how come my mind does not work in the way that
it can master science and maths
the subjects of rationality
and the ones that society holds closely
how come i sit here
too emotionally
annoyed that i cannot
tell you instantly
what five times seven is
how come i am friends with those
who could easily
lord their subjects above me
and welcome knowledge into
their rounded brains so
subtly
i prize maths so highly
and the sciences,
physics and biology
and i see myself as someone
who could handle those subjects
but actually i do
sociology
it is familiar and repetitive
yet interesting theory
however i wish i could write poetry
about how the stars work above me
and how cells divide and multiply
all i can say is that
i am sitting here quietly
knowing all the social ills i could know
upset because i cannot solve anything
it’s like education left me behind
when they saw the boys in front of me
do their times tables quicker
when i was crying on my own,
watching society learn and grow
instead of learning the things i needed to
in order to be considered
clever.

you can’t whisper favourite in my ear
and pretend you don’t love me
although i don’t think you are pretending
the truth in my mind is
scribbled and swallowed and affected
by the circumstances and horrors of
my jealousy
i can’t contain it
because you open me up
i want you to open me up
want you to love me more than her
is she gonna be with you forever?
if she is
then i won’t be
i am not even around now
barely in your mind
i’m like fine, red hot, wine
but she was the shot of apple sourz
and your mouth is coated in her
she is tacky why don’t you see that
she is tacky
i bet she smells of cigarettes and benefits
i smell of a levels and a hidden prestige
you like the smell of smoke
you started smoking
she could not spell bourgeoisie
let alone know what it means
i have all these theories in my head
about passiveness and television
and the marxist revolution
about how maths can’t be true
and about the truth and these concepts
and my mind always focuses on you
focusing on her whilst she probably
focuses on you
and i bet her dainty feminine thumbs
type and take pictures of her *******
and every time you open them
you send one back, *****
she is wet
and i am
crying
over another minor tragic flaw
in my personality
my downfall is my delusion
and my jealousy
to believe i am greater than i am
to think that you could love me
i mean
you said i was your favourite
and as you wrapped yourself around me
i thought
this is what it is like to feel warm
it was the late stages of hyperthermia
you put on a picture of you and her
you wouldn’t put one on with me
i don’t think you want to hurt me
but your words scrape along the rusted sides
of a personality i want to forget
but you are so enshrined in me
that your words sound heavenly
but if god existed he knew this
would not be fair
to fill my chest with a heart so big
but a mind full of jealousy and despair.

do not focus on your minor stresses
look toward the sky and find
stress in the stars
look at the unknown and fear it
embrace that fear and love it
find your soul in a constellation
that screams your name,
wipe away the colour of the day
with the silver of the stars
and the blackness of the vast
eat out your own heart while
craving every star
and tell yourself
that it is beautiful to fear a desire.

there is a lily on my eyelashes
weeping with every blink
when the door of my soul shuts completely
the lily will spill out of my
dreaded soul
and cover the grey ground in red
the grass of my body will overtake
each street and
i will decompose like a common carrot
in the midst of winter
where no one will remember my name
the snow will keep falling
burying me sweetly
with a lily on top of my
unmarked grave

where my soul lies is different story
if my consciousness survives then i am alone

at least with a body you can feel
within your own mind
you are all alone.

Oh the stars are a divinity
That could never catch me not
Looking at you
With a face that screams with glowing light
And a heart that burns with lies
That fall deep into a transient state
Where your serene features
Turn into the devils claws and rip the
Skin of my heart into a wide opening casket
Where all my love for you is buried underneath
A pile of shameful dust
Because every time I have ever looked at you
A piece of me rots.

there is an energy
that is bursting out of my heart
with flames that have
entrapped your soul
only you don’t know
that inside my mind
there is an unlocked piece of you
that has drowned itself
into every memory
where the love we have
is so vivid
that colour enshrines from the stars
and a vast array of red locks our hearts
together in a stroke of purple,
pink and violet
and when your brown eyes lust at me,
all i see is gold pouring from the
seams of your affection.

i will find hope in anything
if it means there is a chance
you will love me
i will scrape every bit of hope
from the tunnels of our conversation
in order to sellotape a crack in my heart,
i want to believe in the chance
you will love me more than her,
but it is hard to be someone’s world
when they are looking for a country,
she is a town
and i am the universe
however in your eyes,
she is simply
more
than i could
ever be.