beauty is the mind,
the subtle tickings
and whirrs,
that make up thoughts.

i am crawling on hand and knee,
hoping to draw attention,
to cause a distraction,
so that you may slip away
                                                        and find safety.

i'm trying to be positive,
but this week has ******* ******,
and it's brought out,
the worst parts of me,
that aren't temporary feelings,
due to hormones,
but instead hidden ideas,
that i'm strong enough to keep from you.

and so i'm scared to talk to you about these issues,
and so i'm being indirect,
and so i'm scared of myself,
and so i'm scared of my capabilities,
and so i'm scared of my knives,
and so i'm scared of my razors,
and so i'm scared of my thoughts,
and so i'm scared of killing myself.

i'm up still and my body aches,
and my chest hurts,
and my bones quake.
~
something inside came out today,
it tore through my skin,
and lead me astray.
~
it made a hole when it left,
and it wont close up,
and i don't know how to fix it,

i'm so ******.

it's been awhile since i've written,
but darling please know i'm
still here and
i'm spitting blood
and it's staining our floorboards,
but i'll always love you
like how i love you now
and how i used to love you,
i don't believe you're dead inside
but others have tried to convince me,
there's too much blood now
i have to go,
you might be fading but i'm
coming to see you,
please open the door.

sometimes i can hear my thoughts,
as if someone were laying next to me,
speaking.

and the things this person says to me,
doesn't let me sleep much,
anymore.