I think the movies ruined my life
I think you ruined my life

I think im sick
I think you made me sick in the head when you left

I think im nuclear waste in a biohazard zone
I think my arms are going to fall off

I check for cancer every day in hopes I have it and
I won't have a reason to live or maybe something more along the lines of
an excuse to say I want to die because
I have this stupid body I'm stuck in

and all I've wanted to ever do was see my bones
I used to think I was in love with the female body but now
I know I'm just in love with my own

for the past three years I have been slaving to the whiteness of my bones
I have been trying to **** myself so I can be cut open

I've been looking at my blood like
I'll finally find the poison that is inside of me

I just need a culprit to blame for this disease that floats around in my skull and wakes up all the dreams I never wanted to see
I just need a reason

I talk like poetry and
I move like a mistake most people don’t understand me because
I speak in similes and metaphors

I speak like coffee is dripping out between my teeth
look I'm doing it here and I don’t know how to stop

I question like a demand and
I have no excuses for the way I move

Maybe I'm just ready to blow the twin towers down again
Maybe I'm ready to crash this body like an airplane

"I love you" should not be used as a choke chain
it should not bring you crawling back

You should have no Master

Anyone who says love hurts has been on a leash
I am no different
I too have marks around my neck

If you really want to hurt me do not call me
***** or sadist or selfish

If you really want to hurt me add a razors edge
when you whisper that I am
undeserving and weak

Pour salt on my pillow when you approach my sleeping form
and tell me I am not
mysterious or interesting

And I’ll pretend I was asleep the entire time
Another incident of hate put to rest with my sleepy head

And when I leave in the morning you will put the collar laced with lies around my neck

But love is about appreciation not possession
and you have never loved nor owned me

I’m sorry I drank your bottles of tequila
but you left me by myself the whole summer
with a broken heart and a ****** job and an empty house

you left me rattling in the wind
you left me like bones in a ditch

you left me with a drawer full of drugs
and smoke coming out of my pores

you left me trying to bleach my bones with the sunlight

and when you came home after 4 months of me destroying myself
and you found me in a drugged slumber with a cigarette in my hand

you threw the now empty bottles at the wall
and the shards are still there
cutting themselves in the glare through the window

but what did you expect
I'd been hearing things from people that i don't wanna talk to
like it matters who you're sleeping with now

Yes
The shards of glass are still embedded in the wall
You are still embedded in my heart

And here's me
Smoking a cigarette in your sweatshirt

And there's you
Anywhere but here

Have you ever seen someone in so much pain
something in their face looks like they are on fire?

I am in love with a burning man

Do you feel this in your heart

I cut my veins open so you could stitch yourself into them

And all you got from trying to steal that gargoyle statue
last semester was a cracked spine

I like to kiss the insides of your hip bones

I like to trace my tongue along the surgery scars

And run my fingertips along the space where
your bellybutton should be

You are a burning man
All intensity
Looking in your eyes reveals a fire

You drink liquor like its water
and always have a few pills ready to be crushed

Then again, so do I

I guess that’s why when we were listening to
Morrison in my friends back seat
I took my $2 bill and snorted a line straight to the brain

And she whispered
“you two are a match made in heaven”

And I guess we are
If we believed in all that

Personally, when I die I want to go to hell

Because Hell is where you always seem to be

promise me,
you said,
promise you'll be happy*
and I did,
and I promised to love you
and to breathe without you
and whatever else you needed
to hear
and I kept my promises, I did,
but my god, if missing you
could be measured in tears
I could fill
and refill
every ocean.

I used to… live on the edge of a blade.
Wishing this pathetic, miserable, life of mine would just fade.
Parents divorced.
Love and hate I was forced.
You see, anger and hate in one house, peace but neglect in the other.
I couldn’t understand what I did to my father and mother.
My best friend, an angel, my hero.
She was an image, a mural.
She was strong, courageous, and fierce, fought every obstacle that was thrown at her.
Except, one day… she just, couldn’t take it I’ll always remember.
Walked in the house, floor slowly creaked with each step.
Knocked on her wooden, bedroom door,
Twisted that brass ****, but I lost my breath with what I saw on the floor.
I froze, my heart dropped, broken hearted.
Because she parted.
I was the first to know.
That she willingly took the blade to go.
Dropped to my knees beside her I yelled please.
I closed my eyes, hands to together, started to pray.
Wishing, that I had more time, just one more day.
I slid my hands on the back of her hair,
Lifted her head up, and kissed her on the cheek, searching for a sign of life.
But instead I held her close and stared at the ******, stainless steel knife that took my best friend’s life.
Her hands cold, blood all around her body, I shook, and I shook her, but no use.
I wasn’t giving up, I refused.
I cried and I cried.
Knowing I’m the reason my best friend died.
I would’ve set her free,
I could’ve saved her; she would be alive with me.
But instead,
I left an innocent girl for dead.
I should’ve been there for her, in the end.
I was supposed to be a good friend.
The pain, the guilt, is on my conscience like a stain.
This is a scar that’ll remain.
- Jonathan Cruz

If I stood between two blaring horns. 
I would hear nothing. 
All the noise and worries would cancel out. 
And I would be safe in the realm of interference. 
But why should I isolate myself?
Is it in my best intrest?
Do I care?
Let me be in my destructive atmosphere. 
And let me stay oblivious.

Here’s something.
When a man and a woman love each other very much...
That’s an archaism.
Everybody ***** everybody nowadays.
Girls, boys, girls.
Am I getting left behind because I’m anachronistic?
I just want it to mean something, you know?
Not societal pressure.
Not the standard physical progression of a high school relationship.

I just want a friend, and to build a closer connection.
I want to hold someone and feel the heat of their body, and know that they’re feeling mine.
I want to close my eyes and trust that their eyes are also.

I have this idea (dream?) of *** being transcendent, not terrestrial.
I want to love, and to feel...not to ****.
Am I making sense?
Am I the only person in the world who thinks like this? Probably not.
But I’ve got a sinking feeling that I’ll never find that other person.

I'd want someone, a friend, a best friend, who'd understand the connection I want to make.
They’d understand the closeness and transcendentalism, understand that it isn’t about societal rules,
or regulations,
or ideals.

I want making love to be about making love, not pretenses and cliches and other Earthy concerns.
Maybe I’m an idealist.

I don’t care.

This is what I want.

*** should not be Bait
nor means for leverage;
*** should be expressive
of deeper spiritual tides.

Maybe it's just me
and my romantic philosophy
but I'm sick of this complacent disedification;
all this living for selfish instant gratification.