I know I am not really lying on the beach
Eyes facing up towards the sky
Where I really am is in Vienna
In a small classroom filled with fourth graders
Sitting in a circle in a room
That was decorated in glow in the dark stars
And a fake camp fire next to a cardboard cutout of a wolf
I remember learning about the Oregon Trail
And how cowboys would campout underneath stars
Guns close by so other dangerous creators wouldn’t be
And looking at the fake stars in that room
I was in another world, a realer world
Where the cosmos didn’t make stars
Bullets did
Silver bullets meant to hit werewolves
Who were so compelled to howl at the moon
They forwent the odds of being gunned down
And so easily they could be when the moon
Lit perfectly their silhouette  
Naked in plain view
All the stars were silver bullets
One that never met their target and flew
Past the wolfs and up into the black sky
Where they pierced the world’s barrio
The bullet holes became not stars
But un-mendable scars
From men who wanting to mutilate
The sky’s beauty with weapons
There to remind me
When the lights turned on in that classroom
The glowing little stars melted into the white popcorn ceiling
And as we, the fourth graders, disconnected our circle on the floor
The reality of the origin of stars I had just come to know
Never left me and the stars I see at night now
Are not as real as the ones I saw that day.

We're caught somewhere between
falling in love with ourselves
and wishing we were someone else

3/2/13 my greatest love

I loved the way, you looked at me,
Telling me things, I didn’t want to hear.
I fell apart, a shattered heart now surrounds my feet.
Every step hurts, but I’ve got to move forward.
I’ve got ta take a stand.
I’ve got to turn the page, to the next chapter.
So, I read alone these recent nights,
My sleeping habits have changed and this bed feels emptier
No matter how many times I change the sheets, I still smell you.
I still smell the scent of your entire body, from top to bottom.
And I try to remember what it’s like to breath, because the sheets that once held us together, now suffocate me.
You made me forget everything I don’t want to remember.
In this bed, where we made violins cry.
We made wine glasses disappear,
We left the do not disturb sign hang on my door for way too long because, we forgot to remove it.
The imprint of you is something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to remove.
Or I don’t want to.
Or I want to want to remember what it’s like to be held in the arms of a lover
In the mind of tambourine,
We shook the core until our symbols connected.
On more than one level we loved our demons
And threw our god to the casket.
Let our devil devour us.
Let the lust take over and lose ourselves to the night.
To the next day,
To the mornings where we woke up and we never left my bed.
To feel the touch, of your body,
I still smell you.
I smell the nights when we would laugh in silence,
Remembering the first time we made out.
Having your lips pull at mine,
Turning the key to my car,
So I can get you back, as quickly as possible, to the bed
Where I don’t have to take painful steps,
And I can fall apart, right back into your arms.

As I sit in my old overstuffed armchair
          and watch the fire
                                       flames rising
                glowing
                         sparks flying
                                              throughout the room
                around me
enclosing me in a circle of diamonds
         light shining off them
                      as if they were fairies
knowing I was in need
                            of  encouragement
            feeling my problem
                     despair
and lifting me on their flight
               carrying me to more exultant plains
     protecting me
               talking to me
                         giving me their strength
before returning to the fire
           wings beating
                    flames moving
and I realise why
          flames dance and sway
                     and are never still
it is the magic of the fairies

No matter how many times I picture you lying there
      Motionless,
                  Lifeless
I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that you are gone,
That in just a couple hours
The ones that follow bed and morning,
you left
And I found your body somewhere without you

But in the small moments that I do,
I am completely
Lost
Angry
Confused
Afraid
Alone
And slowly dying, myself

How could I lose you?
My daddy...

**No.