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161 · Apr 2018
ENTROPY
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Tracing the concrete-cracks in the overgrown lot
You'd think it is a perfect metaphor
A strong foundation, forgotten and worn
Left to the weeds and the tender-violent care of time
A body turned inside-out and unravaled
A slow, gentle unbecoming
The ever-eventual death of a world

h.f.m.
161 · Apr 2018
I'M COPING
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
It's funny how
most nights
I can't sleep
unless I first
spend a moment,
a mile a minute,
drawing out words
from my mind
and putting them
on a page.

I lend shape
to my thoughts
and put them
away
so sleep
can come
and numb
my mind.

Be it poetry,
or a novel,
or discordant ramblings
akin to a blaring *****
between my ears
and behind my eyes,
I must first
empty myself
of myself.

The night is my enemy
that feeds off of my
overactive
mind
that I must
empty
in order to
sleep.

But I'm coping,
I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Five hours is still
better than four,
right?

h.f.m.
157 · Aug 2020
dream boy
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
i.
there is a boy who visits my dreams sometimes, colt-like and all of seven years old. his eyes, pale blue as shadowed snow-fall, are unsettlingly, peacefully unfocused and half-lidded, peering through long lashes of ink that brush his baby cheeks with each slow blink. pale pink and gold flowers, five-petaled and sweet, are woven through his dark, ever-dripping hair like pin-point stars of gentle flame. his edges are blurred, softened, and he silently guides me through the pitfalls and the white-water’s undertow in my sleeping mind.

ii.
the human is a thousand half-truths framed as gospel. an example: the dead all smile, grinning at the setting sun as the wind whistles through their ribs in a mimicry of breath. the dead smile and smile, and are alive as our memories of them, as alive as they are in our dreams. (and oh, in that sleep of death, what dreams may come?)

iii.
do you want truth from me? look who you’re asking. were you expecting me to tell you anything you don’t already know? i am just as real as you, just as human as you, just as much of a fallacy. sometime, somewhere, an old, lonely god dreamed us up for company. dreamed us up and watched us grow and learn and stumble and fail and pick ourselves back up with band-aid wrapped hands and scratched knees and feral grins as we start climbing the same hill will fell down with renewed determination. we want to know what’s on the other side, can only imagine it, and so we try again. (our angel cousins watch with a thousand eyes and shield us with a thousand wings and a thousand rings of fire from the infinity we are not yet enlightened enough to understand).

iv.
he has never been alive, this snow-soft not-ghost, this ink-stained child, this dreamed-up boy of mine. never breathed, never spoken, never slept. (do dreams sleep?) but he is as real as anyone i have ever imagined, or remembered, or thought of. the world is in the mind, we all know this. and the mind, truly, is and can only ever be, a place of dreams.

h.f.m.
157 · May 2018
TRAUMA
Hannah Marr May 2018
Paranoia pondered the cruelty of war
Stalked by haunting visages of bullets flying past
Clutched at the last stray memories of the happiest times
When saint and sinner walked side by side
Paranoia pleaded with the skeletons of wartime
Sensitive to the tyranny in the streets
To trade pain for peace
And trials for trust
But the speech went unheeded
Breath gone to waste
The carnivorous dogs of war feasted on hate and fear and lies
They're in the cities and the countryside, wreaking havoc  
A threat of human design we dare not confront
We riot in the streets over small things
And are too ashamed to speak for the victims of our own making

h.f.m.
156 · Apr 2018
HOLLOW/HALLOWED/HALO
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Life is an awesome/awful/awe-inspiring gift
Given freely, without conditions
A pulse is translated as spinning stars/singing starlings/stilling stardust
Blood of a universe under thin skin
Floating/Falling/Flying, we rise
To the constellations from whence we came
Freed from mortal shell/ringing bell/living hell
We are home

h.f.m.
154 · May 2018
DREAM-THINGS
Hannah Marr May 2018
Am I a dream-thing?
(Common Characteristics of Dreams:
INTENSE EMOTIONS
FreqUently diSorgANized and IllogiCal
Difficult... to... remember...
Content Is Accepted Without Question)


Is my life a dream-thing?
(Common Themes in Dreams:
------Being chased
P a r a l y s i s
Someone dead, alive
Someone alive, dead

Falling

Falling

Falling)


Is reality, really, a dream-thing?
(Common Misconceptions About Dream-Things:
Perceived as True [what is this 'Truth?']
Remembered as Absolute [your mind really rewrites, and rewrites]
Is tangible [by our own laws, we know nothing actually touches]
Is ALIVE ['breathing' does not equate 'life'])


If the above are dream-things, than in whose dream are they?

h.f.m.
153 · Jun 2018
THE ANARCHY OF POETRY
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
(dedicated to the poet, critic, and anarchist, Sir Herbert Read)

inherently poetry is a unique form of satire
a pathway paved by individuals towards soft rebellion
a revolt intended to spur the populace towards original thought
similar to how a dandelion,
considered a ****,
grows through concrete anyway,
a slow, deliberate strength
that can only be possessed by life
and of course poetry is this life,
the measure of one's soul
laid bare to convict and encourage
humanity without its mask is the individual
who, while supported by others,
is independent in themselves
and can thrive off of their own art
while leading and following others through theirs

h.f.m.
"The great modern heresy in poetry is to confuse the use we make of words in a poem with modalities of speech...For true poetry is never speech but always a song."

"Revolt, it will be said, implies violence; but this is an outmoded, an incompetent conception of revolt. The most effective form of revolt in this violent world we live in is non-violence."

"The farther a society progresses, the more clearly the individual becomes the antithesis of the group."

"The modern work of art, as I have said, is a symbol."

"That is why I believe that art is so much more significant than either economics or philosophy. It is the direct measure of man's spiritual vision."

"The worth of a civilization or a culture is not valued in the terms of its material wealth or military power, but by the quality and achievements of its representative individuals - its philosophers, its poets and its artists."

"Art is pattern informed by sensibility."

"I know of no better name than Anarchism."

"The point I am making is that in the more primitive forms of society the individual is merely a unit; in more developed forms of society he is an independent personality."

-quotes by Sir Herbert Edward Read
152 · Apr 2018
LAST
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
I've picked my last fight, it seems
Broken face
Shattered ribs
Splintered bones
Loosing blood, warmth, life
Pain is my constant companion, my lover, my being
We're both fading, fading, fading fast
The best things come in threes, don't they?
Mother, father, child
Waking, sleeping, dreaming
Birth, life, death
Now comes the darkness, the emptiness, the cold
Didn't the weatherman predict a storm today?
But isn't that the sun come out?
It's really beautiful today, isn't it?

h.f.m.
151 · May 2018
LOST
Hannah Marr May 2018
Disconnected, floating
My mind is miles away
And I don't know how to return to myself
I am trapped in dreamland

h.f.m.
151 · Apr 2018
DARK AND UNRESTRAINED
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
To be born powerful...
It is a terrible thing
An awful gift, to destroy with mere words
A tragic skill, to subtly undermine
(and smile)
To wear away at a foundation
With the structure still intact
And then remove the cornerstone
(Watch it crumble before your eyes, all at once)
You have done none of this
But to know that you can...
You are terrified of yourself
And there is no controlling you

h.f.m.
149 · May 2018
SAME DIFFERENCE
Hannah Marr May 2018
All different, but all the same
Same voice, different name
Loving any of us is a death sentence, isn't it?

h.f.m.
149 · Jun 2018
SOCIETAL SOCIOPATHY
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
society takes Icarus
and warns you not to fly too high.
cut your losses, accept your lot.
warns us all—
stick out your neck and you'll lose your head.

"sever yourself from empathy
and cauterize the wound.
you can't help anyway,
so why should you care?"
right, society?
that's what you mean?

"if you fall from the top of the ladder
you won't get off the ground again.
midway is safer,
and the landing is softer.
your ambition is misplaced."

because of society
should i be content with mediocrity?

(i think not)

h.f.m.
149 · May 2018
MEA VITA (I)
Hannah Marr May 2018

This is the story of a girl who
Picked apart her small-town childhood
Surrounded by mountains and solitude
To settle in a summer-city on a lake
To make her family happy


But before I tell you
You need to know
That she didn't do it
For herself at all

Before I tell you
You need to know
Her roots in those mountains?
They weren't very deep

Before I can tell you this story
You absolutely must know
That she never felt at home in her hometown
Or familiar with her family's friends

She's always been a loner
It's been easy for her to leave
Again and again and again
For her family's sake

And she hasn't gotten attached enough
To the people in this new place
That she wouldn't uproot again
If she was asked to

h.f.m.
147 · Jun 2018
RUNNING
Hannah Marr Jun 2018

                                        The air tastes of running
                                               kicked up dust and
                                                             ­           bleeding lungs.
                   You left your blond hair in a gas station bathroom.
                             You left more than that farther back.
                                                           Family.
                   Integrity.
                                                      ­                                      Freedom.
                  ­                  Oh, pariah, fugitive.
                                                       Your feet are never still.
                        Where are you going?
     Where are you running from?
                                      What are you becoming?

                                                      ­     h.f.m.
146 · Apr 2018
FEAR
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
I am no longer afraid of death
And so I am not afraid for my own sake
I don't care if I'm in pain
Or if I die
Anymore

At least as far as I am concerned
I am more afraid of hurting people
Emotionally
Mentally
Physically
That is my only fear

I don't want people to
Cry because of me
I don't want people to
Die because of me

It would be better, I think
If they were ignorant of my issues
Or merely indifferent
Instead of caring about me
Which will only cause them grief

I am not the kind of person
Who will live a long and happy life
I am not the kind of person
Who will grow old

And since I am scared of hurting people
I'm terrified of being a burden to them
Sometimes I think it would be better
If I wasn't here
Anywhere but here
Or if I didn't exist at all

I feel like a part of me is missing

h.f.m.
146 · Apr 2018
TO THINK
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
it is odd to think that
                                   time isn't real
but it is more odd to believe
                    that it is

          if time was real                                                             ­ 
it would be a walk in the park to                
turn back the clock to                        
fix a little mistake and          
put things in place to  
your satisfaction

---

                              it is odd to think that
          life has an end destination
but it is more odd to believe    
that it doesn't

          if life didn't have a end destination                      
     there would be no point to                        
going to school to                            
      prepare for a journey and            
         for a satisfying life in order to  
leave an impact        

---

                           it is odd to think that
                    people can change
but it is more odd to believe that                  
people can't

if people couldn't change                              
it would be difficult to                        
find the will to                            
put effort into friends and
        a future partner one day to
    spend your life with

---

it is odd to think that
written words can leave a mark
but it is more odd to believe
that they can't

if written words couldn't leave a mark
what would be the point of this poem?

h.f.m.
146 · May 2018
SKILL OR CURSE?
Hannah Marr May 2018
I cast a glance,
a once-over evaluation,
comparing to a list I keep in my back pocket.
Could I live with this person for the rest of my life?
Do they fit my (impossibly high) standards?
Uncertainty of any kind leads directly to 'no.'
I seal my heart.

In this way, I haven't had so much as a crush
since grade three.
Is something wrong with me,
that I can discard affection so dispassionately?
That I can disregard attraction so callously?
Is this a cultivated skill I should be grateful for?
Or a curse that will render me forever-alone?

h.f.m.
145 · Jun 2018
HIRAETH
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
noun

1. it's funny how you miss a place that you never really felt like you lived in. a decade in a snowy mountain town can pass on to the next on a valley-lake. neither is home. you don't know what the word means.

2. you thought it was the house and town of your childhood that you longed for, but on the long weekend you went to visit and realized you hadn't any roots there from the start. no places you want to see again, except for that lake that is a mirror of all lakes. no friends you missed, at least not from this sky-community of music and charm. you realize you miss friends you've never made. there is an untouchable sorrow in that.

3. so if this homesickness does not stem from places you know, are you wishing for a home not on this plane of existence? is there somewhere else that you long to be, that you cannot hope to return to while you walk on the surface of this world? but how can you leave when bound here?

4. this world has weight, gravity pulling at your bones. the ground threatens to swallow you up, and you wonder what it is like to be buried in the bowels of the earth. if there is a gate beneath the crust to your true home, the home of your spirit, would it be found there?

h.f.m.
142 · Jun 2018
SPIRIT SONG
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
Break an empty bottle against the edge of the bar
This is your mind, jagged and—
—sharp
A loud, desperate fight me written
(Almost carelessly)
Across your snarling lips in red

Break your ribs, these hollow bones
Mend them with glue and—
—hot nails
So maybe each breath you take will be as tenuous
(As burning)
As the grip you have on your own soul

Careful, your knees are buckling
Lock them against the weight bending
Your spine, straining
Your shoulders

Paint your collar bones with stars
In honor of a sun's bright
Scorching
Core in your heaving chest

Paint rivers over your veins
In honor of the slow
Inevitable
Power pulsing just under your skin

Scrawl the thought that will never leave your tongue
On the walls of every gas station bathroom
On this endless road trip to—
The end of the world, to—
Nowhere and nothing.
Write it all, everywhere, so everyone will
Know, but
Not know you

Still your shaking hands
Clench them into fists
(You are not done here yet)

Furious soul
Fragile
Painter and canvas

Truth or dare?
(You are not merely honest, you are the Truth)
Heads or tails?
(You are not merely bold, you are the Dare)
The coin, not heads or tails.

Clear liquid in a clear bottle
Lava down your throat, in your lungs
Behind your eyes, fireworks
Burning —the edges of your mind, broken glass
Brittle —an ancient map of thought, tearing and flaking

Find the end, meet the end
Truth or Dare, a coin
Broken bottles, broken bones

Tell me, sister
Have you ever wanted scarred knees and dirt under your nails?

Tell me, brother
Have you ever wanted to kiss the moon?

h.f.m.
141 · Apr 2018
HONESTLY I OUGHT TO BE
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Honestly
I'm more exhausted than I think I ought to be

I've lived not even eighteen years
But my soul says it's been eighty

Relaxation is foreign to me
Sleep? 'tis but a memory
I zone out constantly
Can't even eat properly

But hey, I have a shot to be
A decent poetry prodigy
At least, technically
If I can think coherently

But honestly
I'm more faulty than I think I ought to be

In reality
I'm nothing but a fallacy

You proud of me?

h.f.m.
139 · May 2018
UNSPOKEN
Hannah Marr May 2018
i don't know how i can put this
but i hope you understand
(who am i kidding,
you probably know better than i do)

these words, on this page
it's the best i can come up with
but they don't quite hold my intent
don't convey what i mean
(you know what I'm saying, right?
you've been here before)

poetry is supposed to be
thoughts on paper
thoughts given voice
but these words aren't saying
what they ought to
(you feel me?)

it's always the hardest thoughts
that are the hardest to portray
the ones that hurt the most
and mean the most
and affect the most
all these secrets that
I don't know
how to
share
(you know what i mean?)

english is such a coarse tongue
a language of stolen words
and inadequate grammar
how can anyone
communicate with it
if even i, a native speaker
cannot make myself
properly understood?
how can i make anyone understand?
(if you have secrets to speech and comprehension
please bestow me with such power)

h.f.m.
138 · May 2018
NEED SOMEONE
Hannah Marr May 2018
I need someone to hold me
When I wake up in a cold sweat
From the nightmares
I need someone to be my warmth  
In a cold world
And my silence in the chaos
I need someone to hold me down when I lose control  

h.f.m.
136 · Apr 2018
TEMPORARY
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Without exception, everything on this physical plane...
It's temporary.

Beauty is fleeting, love is a lie,
You Only Live Once, and everyone dies.
Youth is a memory within a few years.
Don't get attached, save a few tears.

What's a friend, but someone who'll leave?
I can't see how you're all so naive.
Let your hopes rise, they'll come crashing down.
If you try to swim you'll only drown.

Really, in the end,  we're all gonna die.
Trying to live will only make you wanna cry.
It's much better just to feel nothing at all.
If you try to fly your just gonna fall.

My heart in your hands, my life between your jaws.
Tear out my jugular, rake me with your claws.
Prove my every doubt right, the cynic I am.
Trust only renders you a sacrificial lamb.

h.f.m.
133 · May 2018
RECIPE FOR A POET
Hannah Marr May 2018
Ingredients:
- one (1) human shell
- one (1) sad or disastrous childhood memory
- one or more (1+) fear(s) and/or anxiety(s)
- one or more (1+) instances of contact with illness in loved ones
- one (1) empathetic heart [note: must still be beating]
- one (1) list of reasons to hate [but loving anyway]
- two or more (2+) supporters [even if only friends]
- several (1-3+) seeds of creativity
- infinite (∞) reasons to write

Steps:
1. Take the human shell, and open its mind. Place inside the sad memory, and mix with fear and ill loved ones. Let sit for 13-18 years.

2. Open the human's chest and place in the heart, pulsing steadily. Once the heart is embedded, engrave the list of reason to hate, but remember to saturate with uncaring attachment and devotion.

3. Connect this human to at least two others who will uphold them unconditionally, but don't make them perfect. Nobody is. Your human may not take heed of their support, but this is a necessary step.

4. Place the seeds of creativity in the well-cultivated, sorrowful mind and water liberally with reasons to write. Allow the ideas to ferment.

5. Release your completed poet into an ink rich environment and supply with plenty of paper, internet, and books. Remember to feed at least once a day and set a curfew if your poet tends to sleep less than three hours a night. Warning: these creatures are delicate, but immensely powerful. Handle with care and caution. They're your problem now.

h.f.m.
132 · Apr 2018
NATIVE THOUGHT
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
my native language is thought
and so spoken/written/signed language
frustrates me to no end

words do no justice
to what is in my head
like a photograph of a sunrise
taken with the first camera
or a drawing
of the northern lights
by a toddler

i am a novice when it
comes to voice/expression/communication
my thoughts become disjointed when
they leave my head
through my mouth/pen/hands

i cannot make myself understood
i cannot understand myself

hey, to whatever higher power is listening,
developing telepathic abilities would be nice about now

h.f.m.
132 · Aug 2020
when i speak
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
i.
when I speak sometimes I wish I could catch the words in the air and hold their fluttering-stabbing-twisting in my cupped hands and reshape them into what I meant to say, into something that would brush the shell of your ear softly instead of slip through your fourth and fifth ribs.

ii.
I hope it isn’t too forward of me to say that I don’t think that things can be broken. that is to say, that I don’t think broken things cannot be their own whole. everything is pieces of other things, fitting together like a child first learning how to put a puzzle together and forcing the pieces to go where they want and be whatever they choose.

I don’t know if that metaphor makes any sense to you, but I hope you can understand what I’m getting at anyway.

hurt doesn’t define you. your past isn’t a rope around your neck. my love is not conditional upon some arbitrary state of “wholeness.”

there is such a thing as wellness, yes, and I want that for you, for us, but that does not always mean returning to the state of self you inhabited before your pain. the human being is an ephemeral, ever-changing creature, and I will not love you less if I have to meet you again.

if I have to rediscover you as you heal, then I will. if I have to show you how I have refused my splintered pieces into a new shape myself, then I will.

I will love you gladly, unconditionally, vulnerably.

iii.
do you understand me? I have a scar on the inside of my thigh, but I don’t remember where it’s from. I have tiny, scattered patches along the underside of my jaw from when I’d pick at uneven skin. I have accumulated all sorts of scratch-thin, white lines across the backs of my hands and my forearms. stretch marks dash in lightning patterns under my clothes. do you think less of me for them?

iv.
I can be harsh like a blunt-force weapon when my attention slips, my shoulders a bastion of defensive tension, all sharp lines and a diamond-hard glint in storm-grey eyes. do you think this makes me ungentle? do you think I cannot form myself into a shelter if I so desired?

despite my rough-hewn edges and whip-like tongue, I’d like to think I can provide some sort of comfort, some level of reliability.

you don’t have to be soft, my love, but I find that sometimes it pays to be kind.

v.
once I saw you sitting in the park, fingers buried so deep in the tangled grass it looked like you were trying to take root.

it takes a certain kind of perspective, I think, to listen to things like trees. individual pillars, yes, but connected at the roots. isn’t that like what we are supposed to be? bound at the core with enough self-governance to reach for the sky, the wind and sunlight tangled within our reach.

vi.
you don’t need to worry about being enough for me. you will always be enough.

h.f.m.
131 · May 2018
FORBIDDEN WORDS
Hannah Marr May 2018
If I put these forbidden words down
Here

If I illustrate those forbidden thoughts over
There

If I convey that forbidden idea from
Then

On this page
Will it impact more than
if it was preached to the masses, or
will it be over looked
as simply a poet's boorish eccentricity?

h.f.m.
130 · Apr 2018
NO EXIT
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Turn the corner—                                                          ­      
Dead end
                             Backtrack
New path—
Brick wall                                                      
Retrace

(Round and round and round and)

Twisting maze
                                                  Pacing
YOU­ WILL NEVER ESCAPE                                                      
                                        Forever gone, mind numb, lost lost lost...
         THIS PLACE IS NOT A PLACE TO LEAVE                  
There's the front door, here's the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom...
                                      TRAPPED YOU ARE TRAPPED  

I will live the rest of my days in this not-home
                                     In my head

h.f.m.
130 · May 2018
MY TRUTH
Hannah Marr May 2018
tell me
what is your truth?
what is the truest thing about you,
boiled down, concentrated
into one sentence?

mine:
i am not here.

most of my thoughts
are in another place,
another world of my own creation
or from a story i once knew.

i stare off into space,
head in the clouds,
not really present.

there is a lingering sense
that i don't belong,
that i'm not meant to be here,
that i am supposed to be
somewhere else,
that i need to be
somewhere else.

my truth?
i am not here.
you are speaking with a shell.
a shadow, a husk,
a liminal form that doesn't matter very much.

i am not here.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr May 2018
I'm fine, really.
You may not believe me.
I write out my woes and they seem insurmountable,
but that's because sadness is so much easier to write.
So yes, I'm fine.
Really.
Ignore my depressing stanzas and tear-filled rhymes.
They don't mean as much as they look like they do.
I'm fine,
trust me.
There isn't as much pain here as there appears to be.
I have good grades and a loving family.
I'm fine,
it's just me.
I'm the only demon in my head,
this voice comes naturally.
I'm fine,
I admit it freely.
It has nothing to do with the shadows
when I say these poems come easily.

To those who may be concerned,
I'm fine. I am. Really.
It's just sometimes...
No, I'm being silly.
I'm fine.
I'm really just fine.

h.f.m.
129 · May 2018
TOXIC PARADOX IS
Hannah Marr May 2018
this toxic paradox is
me
running with the wild crowd, just leave me
be
brutally binding myself and wishing to be
free
i am burning, burning can't you
see?
struggling to live but dying in order to
flee
bury me like roots, i'll sprout into a
tree
cut me down and sacrifice me to the
sea
listen to my words, acknowledge my
plea
entomb me, avalanche, cover me in
scree
help me, save me, have you the
key?
father, spirit, son, the holy
three
forgive me my inevitable killing
spree
this toxic paradox is
me

h.f.m.
129 · May 2018
TIPS TO FALL ASLEEP
Hannah Marr May 2018
Counting sheep
(cliche, i know, but sometimes it works. it bores you to tears first, but eventually you can drift off)

Write a mental list of things you are thankful for
(some nights this is harder than others, but it helps build pathways of positive thinking. at least, according to psychology)

Think of all the things that made you smile today
(there will be days that this doesn't work, but it might just earn you one more smile on the better days, and whatever sleep you get'll be more restful)

Turn off screens, and keep electronics out of your room
(you're probably thinking oh now she's just being bossy or yeah, i've heard enough about this from the scientists but it works most of the time. try it)

Meditation
(people usually connect this to come religion or superstition but really it just relaxes your mind and body, slowing your heart rate and calming your thoughts)

h.f.m.
I'll add to this as I think of more. Feel free to add to it in the comments or message me and I'll add it to my list.
128 · May 2018
WRITTEN IN GREY ASH
Hannah Marr May 2018
Grey days and ash on my tongue.
Is this what depression tastes like?
I thought it would be more sad,
but I guess that's the apathy talking.
Hey, I'm not about to self-diagnose.
It's probably nothing clinical, right?
What do I know?
I'm not a doctor, or psychologist, or psychiatrist.
It's probably perfectly normal to feel like
the colors of the world are muted and
everything tastes burnt and
nothing is fulfilling anymore and
there's only emptiness five years from now.
Because it can't be my mental health, right?
No history of mental illness in the family,
no environmental stress,
and those are the two main elements, yeah?
It's probably just teen angst,
wild hormones,
fluxing identity crises one after another.
To say this numbness,
this supreme lack of motivation,
is an illness that needs help is just
seeking attention, yearning for direction,
but hey, everything's just fine, right?
I'm fine.
Perfectly fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Just need to get out more.
What does it matter that everything is grey and all I can taste is ash?

h.f.m.
126 · Jun 2018
SINNING IN MY BLOOD
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
Blood of Cain,
but I wish I could claim
Abel as my forefather.
How could I trace
this dubious liniage
that far, you ask?
All the evidence
is in my genetics.
Though the blood on my hands
doesn't belong to anyone else.

Blood of Cain
or blood of Abel
it doesn't change the fact
that I'm of the line
that tasted the forbidden fruit.
It's idiotic, really
that it is portrayed as an apple,
since it was never classified as so in the text.
But that's beside the point,
I'm being pedantic
to avoid the bitter truth
that I'd rather not face.
I come from a family of sinners.
Maybe I'm doomed to the same fate.

h.f.m.
122 · Apr 2018
TINDER SUMMER
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Is there a greater manifestation of summer than
laughing and singing late into the night to fall asleep
under the stars with dust and leaves
tangled in your hair and the memory of
soft lips on your collar bones and the crook of
your neck because if there is
I would need undoubteable irrefutable proof.

He was young and wild and beautiful,
a match that would burn itself out to ignite the world.

He was a pretty boy,
but with scratched knees and ****** knuckles,
a testament to the truth that beauty is pain.

He is a warrior without a war,
a rebel without a cause,
a king without a crown,
and an angel without wings.

He is flickering, fading.

Paradox.

Enigma.

"Do no harm," he says. "No more harm."
But his hands are balled into fists
And the world is burning, burning, burning
As I try to capture human nature
With merely a pen and paper

h.f.m.
122 · May 2018
HOLLOW THING
Hannah Marr May 2018
i've realized i'm not such a hollow thing
after all

in my gut, where i thought there was merely a hole
there is in fact a crow, with beating wings and piercing beak
that up to a point has remained asleep

in my chest, where i thought there was just an icy stone
there is in fact a clawing monster curled under my breastbone
that is no longer docile and rips into my lungs

in my hands, where i thought there was hardly numb tingling
there is in fact a inexplicably stuttering pulse
that has recently been so faint as to be imperceptible

in my head, where i thought there were only my own thoughts
there is in fact a choir of voices murmuring a lament
that even now rises as a tempest in my mind

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Aug 2020
i.
heavy-layered blankets when i wake up as something sharp trying to remember how to breathe, and the darkness of the night to hide how i’m not a safe thing anymore, and how the stars watching me through the window anchors me more to my humanity than anything else i can remember in this lifetime

ii.
burnt-gold rust-stained leaves crackling beneath my boots like a campfire, like warmth in darkness among blurred faces and laughter settling around my shoulders like an embrace even in the crisp cold miles and years away from memories that still serve to comfort in the absence of company

iii.
stories of wild animals searching out humans for help as if we are some sort of fae willing to assist only as it amuses us or as whim guides us (but in the end only serving to remind us that we are no better than beasts looking up to the universe in hope that there is an equal equivalent somewhere, the timid-quivering desperate belief that we aren’t alone)

iv.
milkshakes at five am held high to toast the rising sun as we sit on your iced-over roof in our t-shirts with barbed-wire words misting in the air before us as a cacophony of dissent rising with the morning fog from between our teeth

v.
this burning terror in my chest akin to the winter sunset consuming the western sky because it tells me i’m afraid but that means i’m alive

h.f.m.
120 · Jun 2018
IN MY HEAD
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
i must continue on                                                                          ­           
i must                                                                                         ­                 
                                               ­                                                   why is that?
                                                           ­                                    must i really?
it was a promise                                                          ­                                
i don't break promises                                                         ­                       
                                                                ­                                            right
             ­                                                                 ­             of course i don't
shut up                                                               ­                                           
                     ­                                                                 ­       because really,
                                                         ­                            i've only used them
                                                            ­                                      as excuses
                                                       ­                                     because of how
                                                                ­                                 afraid i am
shut up                                                              ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­               make me
please stop fighting
                                                        ­                                  what's it so you?
this is my head
it's mine too                                                              ­                                    
                                                                ­                                       and mine
just be quiet
for one night
please
okay                                                ­                                                      okay
      ­                                                                 ­                don't think i won't
                                                           ­                                  finish this later
shut                                                      ­                                                       
up
                                                             ­                                                  
please

h.f.­m.
119 · Jun 2018
SICK
Hannah Marr Jun 2018
i feel sick,
but not in a way that can be

easily understood

i don't necessarily feel nauseous
but i can taste bile
in the back of my mouth

i don't have a headache, per se
but my head feels so heavy, and light

it's dizzying

disorienting

and sometimes i feel more alseep
than awake

and words lodge themselves
in my throat
as if to suffocate

and i cannot

hope

to

string them
together
for

the life

of
me

i feel sick,
but i'm not
am i?

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
BIRDSONG
like a half-formed thought
like a
half-heard word
at the edge
of awareness
like a voice that called your
name but no one was
there
a mocking ghost of sound

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
MY EYES
unfocused
will not focus
blurred edges
vision, dark
vision, wandering
vision, gone
uncooperative
i will not cry
i can't

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
SUNSHINE
Warmth hitting your back
Heating your skin
But there is ice in your chest
Untouched by dawn

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
MY GUT
hollow
hungry
no, not hungry
but something close

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
105 · Apr 2018
WANDERLUST
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
This place is constricting
My world is too small
A handful of towns, tied together with a few roads
A highway or two, lifelines
Beyond my borders the world still isn't big enough
There aren't enough destinations on the map to sate my curiosity
I feel like a dog on a leash, straining to be free
To run by untamed waters, to traverse great fields
Reined in by my handler
Preventing me from losing myself to the unknown
I supposed I can understand the sentiment
If I ever left to explore, I don't know if I'd come back
But my confinement chaffes like a noose

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
SUNSET
the day
is over?
the day
had begun?

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
104 · May 2018
LOVING EASILY
Hannah Marr May 2018
I have been in love every day of my **** life
I have fallen in love with every **** person I've ever met
in my **** life

I know what love is, I just don't understand how
you can concentrate it all into
one person, exclusively dedicating
this corrosive passion to
a singular individual.

How can you call this
elusive, all-encompassing sensation
holy?
How can you love only one
above all others?

I have fallen in love with humanity
and cannot hope to keep my head above these waves.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
MY HEAD
stuffed with cotton
stuffed with useless facts
'thought' is wading through
a rotting marsh
as my mind
falls apart

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
MY ROOM
i feel like a stranger
sitting on my own bed
an intruder
an unwelcome guest
my gaze alights uneasily
and flickers away
why am I here?
i do not belong

h.f.m.
maybe it's not any of these that are wrong
maybe it's just me
100 · Apr 2018
ONE LIFE
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
One step at a time, down this lonely road.
One word at a time, that's how the story goes.
One song, one go. Put on a show.
One cry, final breath, sinking slowly down to death.

h.f.m.
Hannah Marr Apr 2018
Some are tethered by pride
A few are roped by fear
Others are collared by lies
But each and every noose
No matter the hand that tied the knot
Is bound to the killing ground

Marked by faith and murdered in hate
Herded like sheep then butchered like cattle
In the end almost nothing is left
Just silence and the consequences of silence

And when saviors finally turn their steps to the mass graves
The legions refuse to lose, refuse to let their captives live free
Death quickens and the doomed have not even the chance to fight
Before they succumb

"We are human!"
They're scared we won't hear them.
They scream louder.
"We are not more or less than anyone else!"
Their words are a Maginot line, a futile defense
They stare their end in the face
Why had no one come to save them?
Before it was too late?
Too late... too late... too late...

h.f.m.
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