The seething pulsating mass oozes over you
Your chest constricting with the added pressure
So much weight balancing on your throat
Gasping for air as it slides over your mouth

"Is everything okay?"
"Are you alright?"

These questions burn inside your mind
Your eyes widen as if to connect with anybody
As you shake your head violently
The words trapped inside your chest

Is it so insane
To give you a chance for better?
Is it so hard to comprehend
I've only wanted the best for you?

What is so good when it consumes you
Devouring your entire soul
When is it time to close the doors
On the one thing you ever lived for
It gave you life
Just to corrode it away
Giving your all
Succumbing to the darkness
You haven't felt this way for so very long
Feeling so numb to the world
The familiar embrace encloses you
Safety in nothing at all

Head is full of thick fog
Thoughts are so unclear
Fragmented ideas floating inside your brain
Trying to envision some form of future
Existential crisis seeping throughout every pore
Breaking down the very essence of your being
Surveying each and every inch within the form
Lost in some isolated universe aeons away from home
Yearning to uncover some way to contact them
Lacking the recollection of who they are
Assured without doubt that you are all alone on this rock
Imprisioned by your own self
A traitor for feeling so much pain
Betrayed with no attempt of feeble excuse
Could you at least have tried to supply some explination
So little time
So little experience
So very small
And still you are so very worn

Hey zombie
Where have you been
Did you lose your mind
What have you seen

The days counting past
Only seem to weather you more
Each sleepless night you've endured
Drag your eyes deeper inside your skull

Zombie please
Tell me what you have seen
The day is becoming dark
And the grass is no longer green

Why is the air I breathe so very stale
Did you lose your heart
When you sold your soul
Where did your compassion go

Whirling around in your head
Taunting you for being so weak
Faster, faster, faster you spin
Like some sick merry-go-round

You catch glimpses of hollowed eyes
Sunken behind the skull
Their mouths locked into a vicious snarl
Salivating at the thought of you

They launch towards you as you begin to feel sick
Gnawing on your wrists
Tearing skin from your flesh
A faint gasp echoes inside your lips as it begins to burn

Yet somehow all this punishment you send to yourself
Somehow all this pain you endure, day after day
It never reaches into your core
Never to relieve the pressure inside

Tick, tick, tick, tick
You know the day is coming
You know you have failed
Failed to diffuse this bomb inside

Send everyone away
Before I infect you
Like some kind of disease
Before it's too late.

Zombie
Can you see me?
Can you hear me?
Zombie
Mindless shell
Walking through the plains
Can you feel your soul burning?

Don't chase the dragon
He will come to you on his own
Such a majestic being
Why would he bend to the whim of mere mortals
Don't chase the dragon
He will take your ******* head

Deconstructing and reforming
Every little situation
The body and the mind so perfect without the other
Waiting for some order to redirect the will
Billions of a thousand neurons firing in sequence
Feel it pulsating within
Each little action
Pre programed works yet beneficial to some
Yet to be rearranged by some
Everybody has some
So many dead and dying upon the floor
Poisoned by their captors
Let them be free
Open the skull
Visit the universe beyond

An idea creates a spark
My life is the fuel
My ***** ***** life
It catches on quick
Lighting a fire

Filthy and unclean
Soon to be amended

Burning
Burning away the guilt
Incinerating the pain
Ridding myself of every feeling
Cleansing myself for the end

I am clean now

I slowly tie a noose
Testing the rope
It's strong
It's gonna work

I am clean now
Nothing matters to me this time

I've let go of my ties
It was me who burnt them away
I betrayed myself
It is I who must be cleansed

I am clean now
Pure enough to leave

Knotting the rope to the steel pipe
Testing it once more
Pulling a chair up
Place the loop over my head

I am clean now
This is my end

I feel my heart skipping a beat
I am finally here
I raise one foot and kick back with the other
I hang here for hours

I am clean now
I am pure

I am the purest of all

I apologise
For all the hurt I have caused
I am sorry
For all the things I have said
I regret
Thinking that I might come through
I despise myself
For allowing you to believe in me

Forgive me
For how I feel
Forgive me
For pushing you away
I need to protect you
From myself

Nothing more than internal death and destruction
Something so pure would only succumb to my corruption
A poison seeps though my pores
Eroding away that which is closest

Don't touch me
Lest you catch my disease
Don't believe me
A veil of deception clothes my words

As the autumn sun shines
I wilt away
Powerless against the evil
Blinded by darkness' entirety



In the darkness the horrors swarm before my eyes
In the darkness the terror plays on my mind
In the darkness the tendrils weave themselves upon me
In the darkness I scream unheard

In the darkness they remove my flesh
In the darkness they tear out strands of my hair
In the darkness they burn away my soles
In the darkness I betray myself

In the darkness my body tears apart
In the darkness my pain consumes me
In the darkness my trust was broken
In the darkness I will never heal

In the darkness it dissolved my soul
In the darkness it stole my worth
In the darkness it befouled my body
In the darkness I lost myself

Tell me you love me, then tear me down
Say you'll be here, yet leave at dawn
If I only knew then, what I know now
If only I could see the truth, through the lies.

A shining light, through the darkest fog
Leading me safely home.
You are exactly the person my mother warned me about

A guiding hand, towards a better life
Sending me somewhere safe.
She never mentioned I would come to love you

You walked so close to me, or so your voice did sound
Keeping my faith strong.
She didn't tell me you would answer every doubt.

My every move
My every word
My every thought
My shining knight

Overjoyed at the sight of light
I threw my soul to you
Breaking my walls throughout the night
I entwined myself to you
Releasing my fears held so tight
I gave my all to you

My mother said you'd leave me broken
My shining knight

It's like a speck of dust
That floats in on the wind
Settles down in a cavity
Slowly taking root
Every time you come to visit
Tending to it with care
The dust becomes a seed
Growing inside you
It takes time to develop
To grow with strength
Nourish the seed inside
Soon to reach the sky

As I look into the sky
Studying the bright silvery orb
Waiting as though it is filled with answers I've yet to hear
The leaves rustle like paper
As the wind softly carries on
Caressing the blades of grass with care
The cicadas call softly from far away
I wonder, what do they say
I hear the crickets underground
Calling for a mate
How simple life must be
The stars scattered in the sky
Is someone out there watching too?
The moonlight reflecting off the dancing leaves
Adorned in silver freely given by the sun
Life goes on

Its nights like these
That make me wish to fly
Leave my body here in time
And scatter upwards with my mind
Filling the sky with love
Leaving pain somewhere behind
I long to finally soar
Upwards
And no more

I see you
When you've lost control
When the anger takes over
When your eyes are screaming louder than your words
For help
For understanding
For stability
I see you

I know you
When you don't want to feel like this
When you don't want to hurt anyone
When you don't want to be let down
By your family
By your school
By the people there to help you out
I know you

I know you're hurting
I know you're so confused
I know I don't know how to help you

Its easier to take it out on me
I'll never leave you
Its easier to have a place to let go
I'll always have a safe place for you
Its easier to say you're sorry
I'll never ask you to

I know this is not you
I know this is not your fault
I know this is not you

I love you
I will be here for you
Because
I know you
I see you

There was a time I doubted myself
Helped along by your insistance
I cut myself away to pretend for you
I hurt myself just to please you
And to hope that maybe, just maybe
If I tried hard enough I could make it work
If I could just push it enough
I might not have to struggle with this
After all it would be easier if I could be this way
To wear a skirt because "you're a girl"
To paint my face because "its what girls do"
To adorn myself with lace underwear because "you can't deny your womanhood"
I wish I could
I tried so hard to show you I could be that
I tried so hard to show myself I could be that
So desperately I've longed to 'just be' how I am 'meant' to be
But I couldn't
I can't
As bad as things got between us
I will always thank you for showing me this one thing
That I cannot pretend any more
You showed me that I need this
Just as I need oxygen to breathe
Just as I need food to sustain myself
You taught me that I cannot pretend forever
You showed me that this is who I am

I am male.
I am Zane
No one will ever take that from me ever again.
Thank you.

The sensations take over for a time
Not quite enjoyment but a need
Flesh calling out for release
I give in eventually
Begging for this one to be different
Hoping that maybe I can just pretend for a while
Its always in the back of my mind
Exhausted I finally achieve
****** duly owed to instinct

Before the end is reached
Shame washes over me
Disappointment seeps through my entire being
I will never have the parts I desire

Acutely aware of the flesh pushing down on my chest
Accentuating every movement
The tiny nub between my fingers
Will never be big enough for my desire
The twitching hole that will never be closed
That will never supply pleasure

The tears begin to track down the sides of my face
Filled with anger, shame, disappointment and disgust
Brokenness from being entirely the wrong thing

How can I ask anyone to accept my body
When I can't even accept it myself?

Come and fly with me
Through the stars and sea
And maybe together
We could be stronger than me

The rain falls down
As my heart sinks low
My words cannot convey
Just what I am feeling now

A time gone by
Mistakes cant be erased
Things were simpler then
A lifetime away

Just words on a screen they say
Just as they can build you up
They can drag you down again
But I fought for what I threw away

Come fly
To the stars and sea
With me

I'm sorry
I couldn't be there for you
I'm sorry
I couldn't hold you up any more

I'm sorry
I couldn't **** myself for you

Everything stands frozen for an enternity, encapsuled in just a moment of time
Your notice your heart stops beating, the rhythm that has sustained you long before you were aware
Your throat constricts, suddenly unable to draw in the oxygen that feeds your body

Your next breath stagnates inside your lungs, decomposing with each missing heartbeat
Your stomach plummets towards the floor, falling further than the earths crust
Your intestines squirm inside your cavity as they disintegrate into nothingness

As your eyes begin to sting and water, overfilling until they breech the dam
Your heart finally remembers to beat, faster than ever before
And your jaw finally falls, along with the rest of your face to form a silent

"oh"

Once again, I feel it snaking it's way through my emotions
Through some magic door I've yet to discover
Relief floods through me, still wary
As I begin to reassemble the pieces
Who I once was
Who I will be
Sometimes the pieces cannot be repaired
So I fashion myself anew from my learnings
Cycling through assembly, oneness, and broken
I know this may happen again
Maybe, in time, I may be able to prevent this self destruction
But for now, here I am

Sold myself out to suffering for a time
Bringing myself down because I don't deserve it
A place for me
Security for me
A life, for me
Misconception that all I have known
Is all I need to know
This false belief in myself
Ensuring I never step out too far
Finding comfort in the uncomfortable

the ice is melting
thinning with each step
Lost
in time
in space
in mind
in soul
shuffling though each milestone
existence, yet not

I've laid myself down
Completely bare to you
Judge me as you see fit
But be gentle when you do

I know I'm not there
When you think of those who care
But here I stand
Holding your heart again

I know you can't see
Just what you mean to me
Please come back to me
Please hear my plea

And as the waves, Meet the sand
The horizon, See's the setting sun
I know I, Did nothing wrong
Yet here I stand, All alone

Creative mind of the wounded
I wish to hear what you say
Creative mind of the wounded
I need your comfort today

And with my mind of the moment
I'll write you a thousand times
And with my mind of the moment
I'll profess my love to you

Slowly rising, it begins to feel uncomfortable
Violently bubbling, it feels as though a war is raging inside me
Suddenly bursting from my chest, letting go of all that burdened me

I too, shall love once again.

I remember
We talked every day
We shared about our lives
We shared about our families
We shared about our dreams

I remember
We talked every day
We shared our plans for world *******
We shared our plans for our lives
We shared our plans for the school

I remember
We talked every day
We shared our triumphs and failures
We shared our wins and losses
We shared our sicknesses and health

I remember
We talked every day
I wish i could make things easier for you
Everything will be fine
I wish i could buy you a new body

I remember
We didnt talk for a month
I ran out of time to make things easier for you

I remember
We didnt talk for a month
I ran out of time to make everything fine

I remember
We didnt talk for a month
I ran out of time to buy you a new body

I remember
Your throat closed
I remember
Tears sliding down my face
I remember
Nothing from that school day
I remember
I had talked to you only a few hours before
I remember
It took a month to find you were gone
I remember
Your obituary

Softly
Gently
Swaying in the sun
Dancing under the stars

Twirling
Spinning
Blowing through the air
Meandering across the sky

Darling
I feel you
Joy floats through my heart

Darling
I see you
Amazement dawns in my eyes

Never have I seen such beauty before me
Blinded by shame
Hounded by fear
Letting go

I see you

Can you breathe just that
little bit slower
can you speak just that
little bit softer
I need to show you something so important
all else can wait

Can you dream with me
can you fly with me
enter into worlds unknown
with me

Answer questions with me
question answers with me
lose perspective of yourself
with me

Through the lands unknown
where thoughts are more than known
Seek out your purpose little one

Guide your soul back home
A place where you will grow
You will be all you need to be

Just come
just come with me

Pulsing through the air
A heavy sound permeates the air
Floating, you are moved when it hits you
Vibrational energy flowing through your veins
Bouncing within waves as you disintegrate
Allowing the waves to grow, to intensify

Magnify this force
View deeply inside
Allow it to resonate within every soul
It's no longer the voice, the sense
But heavy vibrations feeding the world
Waves are the essence of our being

Continuous motion
Varying tempo
Forcing togetherness and spacial distance
Pulsating through history it cannot be tamed
You are a significant part of this ocean
You have no influence in your role

Vibrate
Resonate
Magnify
Resonate
Vibrate

Dissolve into the energy
Embrace your purpose

Far more than a body
Far less than just substance
A paradox in existence
Absolving the tether with wisdom and clarity

The constant constellations, lead me to revelations.
To disconnect the cortex, and spiral into flight.
Spiral into photosynthesis, forgetting your hypothesis.
Conclusions will decompose your will, to experience the universe.
Stretching far beyond the mortal grasp, consuming your given vision.

Raw soul
Emotion unfiltered
Without protection
Vulnerable to the wolves

Dreaming in symbols
Seeing within perceptions
Speaking without construct
Deciphered by the knowledge

Turn on the lights and the music
The carnival begins!
Wear your most intimidating outfit
Entry is free!
Don't dawdle through the gates
Space is sparse!
Cram as many in as you can
The show is about to begin.

The performers stroll out onto the stage
One by one, their faces are the same
Sword swallowing gone wrong
Acrobatics until fatigue sets in
The crowd jeers as you run from the bear
Lion's already had his share.

Laughter as your skin melts in the flames
False praise as you are torn limb from limb
Encouragement to walk with limbs distorted
Taunts as you fail to catch the trapeze again
While faces are etched in various degrees of pain

Entertaining the demons inside my head
Is never really quite that dull
But please let me know when it'll end
It is my personality that they cull.

My feet are heavy
As I trudge through the sand
Step after step after step
I must go on, I must reach the end

A blanket of dust covers my mishapen form
Blistered
Burnt
Broken
And yet I must not rest

I am weary
I do not know how far I've left to go
Simply that I've come too far to pause
To lose heart and simply give in

This is something much bigger than I will ever be
This is something far more important than me
I do not suffer for me, but for you
I must go on, because I give my all

It is my duty to keep you safe

The world grinds to a halt
Seeing the inevitable destruction of an entire people
Yet powerless to prevent it
These heavy chains and ropes restrict my movements
The grey shades dull my senses
My brain feels no more than a thick sludge

What lead me here?
What contributed to my demise?
Where did I go wrong?
How can I free myself from this *******?

Endless hours of torment and pain
Inflicted upon myself by something I barely understand
Watching the world suffer as I do
Wishing there was a way to numb this pain
Wrists and ankles chafed to the nerves
Heavy locks bind my freedom
And the key is yet to be realised

Somewhere a girl screams for her mother
Lying lifeless on the floor
Not far, a boy sobs for his father
Sent off to some senseless war
Mere children faced with the weight of the world

Yet what can you or I do when bound by our own shackles?
Making noise with our manacles helps none but ourselves
Seeking solutions solves nothing when our minds are but a thick slime
Can the sources of fear truly be destroyed by a coin in the jar?

Watch the world distort
Objects twisted and warped
The colours swirl and twirl
Like a dress dancing the flamingo
Reality melts away all the pain
Impossibility becomes real and joyous
The darkness let lose all its monsters in fear
Now visible in colour, mottled and grey

When is perception reality
When all you can feel
Is up to interpretation
Is the filter on the lens
Or is it deep in membrane
Which is to be cut away?

Let me run away with you
To where the grass is blue
And clouds float us away
Shall we dance upon the stars
Shall we picnic in the face of Mars
Climb upon my carpet of deception
And pretend

Leave your terrors in the rear
There's no place for them here
Let them feed upon themselves
And watch the blood dissipate in the air
Tomorrow they will rise again

Is the filter on the lens
Or is it deep in membrane
Which is to be cut away?

Always so different
Never fitting in
Is there a place for me?
Or is there nothing?

No more than a freak of nature
No more than a speak of dust
Why do you hate me so?
This is something I never asked

Do you know what its like
To live as something you're not
Forever wrestling with yourself
Pushing down your hopes and desires
Knowing its never been right

I've never had the strength to stand alone
But now I know, I have to go on
No one will stand for the freak of nature

Warp the body, to match warped soul
Look out world, here I go
Flesh into flesh, remove away skin
This is not how I should have been

Can you see world?
I am not changing who I am
It's ok world,
I'm merely showing you what's within!

I could sit here and write forever
And tell you of all the things I could think of
But the simple truth is I have no idea
Of what exactly I should write here

A simple poem of how I feel?
Or maybe a song of what's real
Either way I could not find the words
Those slippery things that dance in front of my eyes
But turn to mist as I try to grasp them

It temps me to write lies
Of all the things I see through my days
Yet somehow I cannot bring myself to do such a thing
Maybe it's because I do not wish to ruin the perfect
Although I am doubtful, I believe this is a dream

Yes, perhaps I shall tell you of my dreams
The swirling substance of make-believe that engulfs us while dozing
Long ago I taught myself not to imagine
Falling from the sorrow of trusting once too many
For a while, reality was the safest

I have grown so much stronger since then
Finally longing for what I once stole from myself
Prepared to take on the whole world and beyond
Though all I can do is look through the window you fashioned me
Wishing for a time gone past

Mayhaps I could tell you what I wish for
Sad thing there, because I do not understand
I wish for the trees and the land, the water and the beasts
Its all here, if only you look hard enough
But why must we search for something so sweet and pure?

I will take you outside one night
We shall stare at the stars until sunrise!
The wind should be warm if dares to caress your face
Lush grass pillowing our bodies against the hard ground
Is this what is considered a dream?

I remember a time when despair was my closest friend
Those days are gone now, to never come again
Be banished from me with your foul breath!
You shan't poison me with your lies once more
No, I have not found the truth, but I have found a new beginning

Ah, at last I am back from my journey
Joy rises in me as music slowly drizzles in the air
Come and dance, it whispers sweetly towards me
The music of life I can hear once again
Lifts me up into the sky as I dance upon its tune

So it seems I can write once more
Not only that, but new words are in abundance
Drawing me back into the world of creation
It feels good to be home again
Bringing a gift called Joy to decorate with