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w May 2020
98
I want life to go back to normal
But was normal life really that great?
  Feb 2020 w
Tom Leveille
ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1
you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends
w Dec 2019
97
what do you do when you miss someone so much and you can't do anything about it?
w Dec 2019
96
we do not owe politeness if we feel unsafe
w Dec 2019
96
The truth is you don't know that the thing that hurt me is the same thing that could make me happy and that is you.. and you saying all the things that i never heard but i always deserved.
w Dec 2019
95
there's an emptiness, a distance from life that I cant seem to fix
w Dec 2019
94
habang naglalakad ako pauwi ng bahay
bitbit ang napakabigat na bag
laman ang mga gamit na kinakailangan
may nakita akong kumikintab na bilog sa dinadaanan
huminto ako, napatigil at tinignan
at nakita ko itong piso
pero imbis na kunin ko ito at ipangbayad sa jeep
tinago ko ito at tinabi sa isa pang piso
dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam na nag-iisa
sa dilim, gulo at ingay

sa sarili **** paang naglalakad sa kalyeng madalas ikaw lang magisa, na minsan iniisip mo na sana may isang taong sumasabay sa agos ng galaw nang iyong mga paa
sa sarili **** kamay na tumatama sa lamig ng simoy ng hangin, iniisip na sana may isang kamay na handang hawakan ito sa lamig at init

sana isang araw, hindi na anino ang kasabay mo pauwi
kundi isang tahanan
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