I should write
some positive
poetry.
My life is not
completely
as bad as I sometimes
make it
seem.

Autumn rain.
So depressing
so sad
so oppressing.
I feel danger in the air
I feel cold and alone
I feel a hug from God
I feel despair.

Why am I pulling and clawing
at my clothes and skin?
...Anxiety attack, but why?
I'm being impatient...I don't know
what I'm supposed to be doing
in the meantime.
I'm panting and hyperventilating and trying to push the tears out...nothing's coming...What is the point?
What good will come of it?
But what CAN I do now,
at 11:11 p.m.? What CAN I do now?
I don't even know what I'm thinking, what
causes the ragged breathing to
turn on and off...I don't know what to think,
don't know how to find some small
bit of comfort to hold me off
till sleep comes.
God, this is when my faith is weak.
God, you are in control. You have
a plan for me.
God, give me strength, and let me feel
your presence and that of
those who are trying to reach out to me, God.
Let me feel it.
Let me feel it, in the meantime.

Heart, what frightens you?
Heart, do not squeeze me so,
do not shake me so.
Stop your trembling:
you're making Lungs join in.
Confide in me!Stop this! Let me go! 
Come, there is no danger, see?
What was that about?
Now you will not tell me??
Please, I know you cannot help it,
please try not to do that again.

I am a small bird in an open cage.
Am I imagining this
broken wing,
or is it
real?
How will I know?
I can attempt to
fly and then
feel the pain when
I hit the
pavement.
Or maybe I will. fly.

I won't take the
chance.
I'm so
scared.

My mind is
so muddled.
What am I feeling?
Why do I feel this?
What makes me feel this?
What can I do?
How do I make it go
away?
How long will
this last?
I try to grasp an
answer to every
question.
As soon as I begin
the search
the answers flee
and the fog
rolls in
thick.

"How are you?"
Fine is a lie.
Good
is a lie.
Could you give me
a moment? Or
hundreds?

On my right
hand I have
hope and love...
in Christ.
On my left
hand
I have neither hope
nor love.
I don't feel it.
I must have it.
I don't see it.
I long for it.
I don't deserve it.
I am so unworthy.

I am so unworthy
of God's love, yet
I have it.
Why have I not
worldly love?

Lord, at least tell
me why.
Reveal to me
your plan, your
intent.

My heart is so
heavy, dragged
down by sorrow,
depression, longing, confusion,
worry, anxiety, hopelessness.
I can hardly
hold onto it
anymore.
My heart
is so burdened,
I cannot carry
it.

I hardly feel alive
anymore.
I hardly feel
like a person.
Who cares about
the drama?  About
trivial matters?
Anymore?
I am so tired.
Physically,
emotionally.
I would like to
get off this roller-coaster,
to get out
of this glass box.
The air is getting
stale.
I don't know how
much I can take.

Searching for love
and hope,
I delve into God's
Word.
It is hard sometimes
to grasp that a
relationship exists
between yourself and
the Unseen.

So many things
I need to say.
Never the right time,
never the right
people.
Who will listen?
Who will not scoff?
Who is there that will
help carry the burden?
Who has the time?
Who has the care?