In this day in age, I don't know anyone who doesn't know what it's like to want to die.

I wish the thoughts that have made a home inside my mind walk forward and go a far
I wish they didn't belong to me,
but because they do
I wish you knew them

I wish you knew them as much as
you think you know me
because if you did,
you'd know me quite well.

but I don't think I want to give
you that again
for you've abused it one too many times
and now the only thing that lies between us
is a barrier that you caused, and one I've created

The best news I've heard in days,
even months..sometimes I think in years

my sister, creating a home inside her tummy
for a beautiful baby bean
creating a life..

just as i thought there wasnt a reason,
a meaning to stay
on the edge on contemplation,
of suicide

my heart,  my head
"you've got to be here for this baby"

and I will. and I cannot wait.

Do you ever start thinking, then begin thinking more

and more
and more

and you reach this point where your head is hurting but the thoughts won't go away and as much as you try to make them stop they keep going and going and going

and this part of you just makes you ******* wish you had a



I won't say it,
but this has been the last four years. I think my conscious is trying to **** me.

I'm sorry for the pain we've caused each other.
I'm sorry for my insecurities corrupting the chances of us trying to be okay again.
I'm sorry for putting you through this, for just not letting you go and be happy.
I'm sorry that I love you so much, too much to let you go.
I'm sorry for trying, and then contradicting all of that because of how sad I truly am.
I'm sorry I over think to the point my thoughts don't make any kind of sense.
I'm sorry for everything

My mind is my world and it feel like it's all stopped. It's all stopped and instead of everything coming together and falling into it's place, I feel like everything's collided and I can't make sense of a single thing. I feel I've become numb in the process. That I know I want to cry, but I don't know the reason, I don't know why. I feel pain, but I can't find the root of it and pull it out and rid of it for good. All these smiles around me and I can't seem to give one back without the reasoning being, it's polite to smile back. I can't feel my legs, I can't feel anything but the pain and this time it's consuming me whole. Makes me want to dig myself a hole, 6ft deep and lie there. That's where I believe I'll find peace. Away from everything and everyone. My conscious is ruining me, ruining everything. Ruining the world I've created in my head. I think I've gone crazy. I feel like a bad peach and I'm no good to or for anyone anymore.  My face is long and sad and looks like it's gone through a good run in the mud, or piles of mascara is you want me to be literal. I think I've lost my soul and now I'm just a walking corpse. I don't know what I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel.

I'd like to think every poem I write
is as equal as a love letter for you
perhaps some kind of cry for help

if you were to ever be truly curious of how I felt
read me,
and you will see
the pain and the love i feel

for you more specifically

I don't know another time when I havnt written about you..
for you

One day,
when you read these writings
I hope your eyes widen
as well as your mind

and you all of a sudden see everything and understand, everything

and from there,
both you and I will see together.