has it already been two years,
since a rebirth from the darkness of
thinking that all this pain was my fault?
no, it has been longer,
from those small moments where i'd read
under the covers with a flashlight
or moving my hands so fast i could fly,
the poison of self-hatred was cured with the antidote,
of radical, unapologetic love.

thoughts flow,
on a fast icy path they
race through a d minor sigh.
and as the soft throbbing of
the hearts of pine and birch trees,
lay a background for this dance to play out,
the thoughts move faster and faster
a blizzard of memories mixing into each other
i do not know where they begin,
whether these are mine,
or only my turn to keep them.
or if this whirlwind of emotions
is nothing but an illusion
from a wintry concerto,
that toys with my mind.

wait for me,
as you slowly disappear,
into that unknown land and travel,
where I cannot reach you.
give me one last kiss on my forehead,
one more smile,
dad.

again and again and
again
steady beating of footsteps
and the rustling of soft breaths.
noisy silence piercing
no corner is free from it
and again and again and again
the cycle starts
no sound closing in
and breaking out
and again and again
knives cut through an auditory cloth
lost memories spilling out,
again and again and again
eight hundred and forty times
until utter collapse.

When you said you could not tell,
If there was anything "wrong with me",
Because I was so eloquent and social,
Empathetic.
I wished to get up,
And tell you absolutely everything.
About how it is hard for me to make friends,
About how I was put down again and again,
For my curiosity and "weird" interests.
Yes, I am social,
I have learned, I have seen others,
And their kindness is warmth.
Yes, I create stories with my words,
Bringing forth what I think, what I know.
Your biggest mistake was thinking there was something wrong with me,
There is not.
There is difference.
And if you sincerely believe that difference is wrong,
Needs to be fixed,
I am sorry,
For maybe what needs fixing,
Is your view of what I am.

When I had written "I love you",
On that little margin of your homework,
Barely visible.
I wished to say,
That your smile brings a kind of warmth,
Filled with pure kindness and empathy,
And that melodious laughter,
When we sat together looking at memes,
It brought even more joy.
I relish the moments,
When we accidentally touch hands,
A spark of connection,
Ephemeral.
When you listen to what I am excited about,
Even though you might not understand,
I stumble over words,
And cannot collect my thoughts,
For there is a pleasant overwhelm of emotion.
So I scribbled in pen,
Right on the margin of your homework,
"I love you"

My voice,
My power,
Cannot be taken away
By you.