Seven shots of tequila and one or three cocktails later I lifted my phone.
In my camera I thought about how beautiful you would say I am.
So into that camera I began to spill.
I rambled on. I fumbled words. I laughed. My voiced cracked. Club music played behind me.
I still hit send because I am an idiot.
Days pass and night comes. I am in your bed. My head on your shoulder as my fingers toy with the soft patch of hair on your chest.
Please? you ask as your finger lingers over the button. You had already watched it more than once and wanted to watch it with me.
How was I going to say no?
And, so I watched myself drunk with truth serum tell you my passion, my love, my devotion, my fears, my hopes for us.
I can hear your heart quicken as your  grip on my hip tightens. The moment the video ends you are rolling me to my back. The weight of you makes me wet as you capture my mouth and pour your returned passion. love, fear, and hope into a kiss.
Your mouth and teeth move from breast to ******* over and over as you take long strides into my silky smoothness. I don't know where one ****** ends and another begins  You capture my mouth and we drink from each other in long desperate gulps.
It had been too long since love had been kind.
Since love had been real.
You are hanging on as if I could leave you at any minute. You're in me as deep as you can go and ******* my bottom lip as I moan. My pretty  pink-then candy red ****** then gets your attention and I marvel at your long your lashes are, And, then those lust filled diamond eyes flutter open and I lose my ******* mind.  The heat soaks my porcelain thighs. You don't want to let go. you dont want the moment to end. You hang on bury your face in me and breathe me in. I feel your love and desperation more than I ever thought I would be allowed to witness.
What you need to know and never once doubt is that Tequila was not speaking.
I was.
I want this more than I have wanted anything in a long time.
I want us.
I want you.

I have to keep reminding myself why we don't work.
All my heart wants to remember is how we do.
I have to remember the ways you are not good to me or for me.
Because, my body wants to take you in over and over again.
Logic has to prevail here. I can't go back.
I hope you wouldn't take me back if I tried.
I hope you're thinking of how many times we have been unhappy and not how you felt in my embrace.
Don't think about how I held you or my hands running down your back.
Do not remember how we laughed or how I moaned and bit your sheets.
Remember my frown. Remember that I don't fit with you.
Don't let me back in.
You once called us two storms colliding.
We made a wreck of each other.
It wasn't what I wanted.
You were what I wanted.
But, I guess I didn't really know you at all.
You are so utterly broken.
I'm a little broken, too.

I wanted it so bad.
I wanted you.
I wanted us.
I wanted to love and be loved so desperately that I kept forgiving red flags.
No. Not flags but flashing neon signs. Billboards.
Why if you were not the one did it feel so magical when you put your lips on my neck?
Why if we weren't matched did you feel so right inside?
How do I move on from eyes as blue as yours?
I'm never going to earn that sideways grin again.
Ending it probably saved me.
But, every morning I don't wake up to a message filled with pet names or get a kissy face  mid day...
I almost cant fathom tomorrow morning.
I want to run  to you.
I want to cry and be touched by you.
I love you. I love you so much.
But, I don't like you.

You're sorry.
I am inclined to believe you.
That doesn't mean I can forgive.
You were hurting  but had choices and none of them have been me.
You swear you're not the bad guy I make you out to be and yet you've never been good to me.
Be my girl.  You say as you slide into another.
Let's just be happy.  You say those words  to me a then use the same line for any girl who can read.
But, that was before this time I want you.
I love you.
You just have to trust that.
Trust me even though I don't care if you feel safe.
I don't care if you feel important.
I wont cheat.
I wont let her go either.
But, I wont cheat.
I'm not that guy.
You say these things on repeat.
You're sad.  You need a nap.
You told me you wanted a life partner.
You cant even stick around to for the injuries you caused.
I'm to believe you will be able to support me for life?

I am half way in.
Alarms ringing
I should run
Save myself from you.
My feet stay planted even as I look toward the exit.
I am stuck.
Afraid to step forward.
Too intrigued by the fire to step away.
Stuck in the middle.
Waiting to come to my senses.
Or for you to close the gap?
Stuck.
But, not forever.
I will run.
To you or away.

This is where we say goodbye, again.
It is a familiar place but cuts the same every time.
The last kiss before you go is always the hardest. I give it and the moment our lips part I crash into you again.
I am not ready for the last.
My sorrow is unkind but it is more real than ever.
You pull back and beg for mercy yet cling to me.
Your thumb tracing my jaw as your dewy eyes. admire.
"I'm coming back." you say.
I bite my tongue before I hurt you with my uncertainty.
You repeat the words because you can feel what I didn't say.
I wonder if I will ever be free of you.
I wonder if I will ever let myself love anyone else.
Someone who doesn't leave quite so much.

I was folding a shirt when the familiar sound turned my head downward to the vibrating phone on the table beside me.

You. Why? You're supposed to leave me be.
I don't have to answer. I stare at it as it rings.
He will give up or leave a voicemail telling me why he
would do this to me.

Slide to answer. A swipe of a thumb and I'd be connected to the only man on earth I have loved.
I slide because it's ******* you.
It's you.

Seconds pass but they seem endless.

I speak your name. First with a question mark and then on a sigh as  I can hear your breathing.

You ask to see me.
I can only say your name again.
This time as a plea for mercy.
Release me.

I have to go I say and you say my name now.
Also a plea.

Goodbye.

I stare down at the screen then sit the phone back down where it was and I fold my clothes.

Will you come anyway?
**** me, I miss that face.
****. I want you to come.

But, don't you dare come.