Her I sit, just trying to write
Applying to jobs like that’s my life’s plight

To pave right ahead, don’t think till I’m dead

Grows heavy feelings in fingers like lead


What feels not genuine in things I’m sendin them?

I try and be real yet I see I pretend again

Again and again, deceits all I’m lendin them

Breath nice and slow and try an begin again

Again and again, nothings been mended friend


Take what you’ve got and take what you’ve done

Throw all that on paper, compressed into one
Page

One single page

My resume

What does it say of me?

Dry tidbits of years and hours that came from me

Once it was sang from me

Once pulsed and rang from me

Like torrents of heart, blood, and tears

It all drained from me

Left out in the sun, some dry shrinking things

The future will come
Let it bring what it brings

Sickness all around
        Dark tired bags
                Live under glazed over eyes

So we pump chemicals
To combat chemicals
        We arm both sides and don’t know how the war is fought

You can read this
and I can read that

hard to know the truth
        when informed by salesmen

All I know
Is this is big business
        And money is made

My body is growing stronger with care and effort        
        Or so I think

Sometimes I imagine I’ve grown so
        My nose grows high into the air
                And I try to help others, with an air…

But lets get real
Look into the mirror

I’m growing my own little buddies
        That live comfortably, under my glazed over eyes…

I sit on chair, so late at night
My pen has scratched, it fought its fight
     The Sacred Fight, Immortal Plight
     Speaking what it thought was right

I don’t even know what to right

But I want to express my feelings in some way

Its all in my gut

This longing

There’s no other way I can describe it

Like my entire being wants another environment

A whole different set of stimulus

It isn’t always like this

I can appreciate the small things

The simplicities

Of life

Perhaps I just suffer through the appreciation

I’m not sure if effort toward appreciation

Makes any ******* sense

I read countless techniques of

Calculated happiness

Like life is a series of steps

Leading to a

Prescribed harmonious vibration

Its beautiful really

But I’m not sure I swallow

The idea that this path leads to this such reality

And days of such

Effort.

I wish to let my spirit free

With eloquence and fluidity

Vigor and relentless expression

of Self

and Soul

and Spirit

And these equations seem to hold me in chains.

Days when I feel so cold
And empty

The struggle seams selfish
But sustains

At times I need something to rely on
Something to give me hope
A warmth

Coming after winter

I can nearly envelope myself in the thought
If I let go of the moment
And give in

All of this pain and struggle
And lonesome sorrow
Leaving pits
In I

Will be justified
Perhaps Glorified
As necessity

If it prepares me for her
Only where there is pressure
And heat
Will a diamond be formed

I will be her diamond

She will dust of my
Toxic skin

Tough and calloused
From years of fighting
Transient vapors
To form

The diamond inside


I hold that warmth close to my chest
Let her love envelope my soul
And blanket me from the cold

Her smile eternal
And free

Her laugh
From deep inside her belly

A source of symmetric synthesized vibrations
No schism in her soul

My fear is that day will not come
Where I can lavishly pour my soul and energy
Into such a noble source
Of simple love

Perhaps it is not my purpose
To find love

We all manifest
To Fill a niche

But I will not forget the warmth
For Cold days will return

My friend is falling apart
In front of my eyes

Slowly tearing at the delicate seams
Woven by the love and heart and passion
Of his mother

We blew our minds apart together
Treaded waters we’ve never tread
He exposed I
And I he

To the brink

But I was just exploring
Escaping
Perusing

Now I must return to school

Twas no game for him
Sitting on my couch
Explosion of colors and sounds
Tearing apart seams
Of couch
And Reality

Tears
And
Demons of our past
Released

I delved to places I feared
For he poured ****** rivers of darkened ****** water
From sacred synapses
Of Block-ed experience

But I had to return
And he has no place to go

Sweet Satine
Curving through my neglected dreams
With curves that never end it seems
But time hath stole
Her skin
And soul

But time will turn
Just that I know

Stagnancy
Following hesitancy
Which followed brilliancy
Leaving me empty, see?

The finality
Of a propensity
Toward brilliancy
Is the inevitability

Of an Empty Sea

I often wonder why people post on this site
        Myself included

I’m definitely reaching out
        Trying to make bonds
                
Where my energy seeps out
        Tired and withered

                My daily life gives no release

Of this form
                          
And so I really start to think
If I do form bonds

Who the **** are these people?
        Why are they different from those in my life?
                Do I really want to know them?
                        Should anyone see this side of me?

Maybe its Toxic.
And this should not be read.

Looking at lies
Told by these eyes
Leaves no surprise
I live
    A Disguise

Do you ever pause and ask,
        Is this a dream?

When I first asked, I laughed.
Then again I asked, and laughed again.

I asked, laughed, and peered a little closer.
I asked, peered, and dropped a wry smile.
I asked, and stared closely.

I realized I don’t even know what it means to look closely.
I don’t even know what it means to look.

I move through “life” as if a dream.
So focused on such a small portion of reality.
A little encapsulated cloud.
A box. (Sometimes rigid, other times wiggly)

I asked, is this a dream?
I do not know.
But continuing to ask has changed something.
I feel it in my stomach.

I don t know what I will find if I keep asking.
I don’t now know what that feeling is.

Now whenever I ask
I fear I may get an answer.

Fire burned, with no direction

Strictly Up, straight towards Heaven

         All now left, are embers glowing
         Mere shadows of, what I was knowing

From deep within a Dream I’ve woken

From the Whispers she has Spoken


Her fingertips like Lucid shock

Before, my mind, it was like Rock


Her gentle soul
It has awoken

Deep inside
My Passion broken

With gentle care and perfect pace

She smoothes my wrinkles into place


The wisdom of the tree and star

Flows with whispers

Through my heart

Moving past my released fumes
I try to just sit back, resume

The conscious quest of my own heart
The fingertips, they dance. A start.

Look at my skin, my groves of hair
I wonder why my life led here

Potential fills so many paths
That I may take, it gives me wrath

Each subtle step I choose to take
Who knows what future it will make

I want to quell, bring to peace to all
The hatred of which I appall

But growing deep, so deep inside
An evil of which I do hide

My own shortcomings, big and small
Withholding sacred peace for all

Each day, dichotomy doth grow
Between two choices I do know

One choice doth let the joy just grow
For others all around, I know

Yet quite another doth exist
Often this one I resist

The natural choice, no second thought
Though part of me doth fear I’ll rot

If I succumb to carnal choice
Listening to natural voice

Eating filth so quickly bought
Consuming drugs that lead to rot

Ignoring homework, tests, and calls
Living just to have “a ball”


To just let go, and trust the stream
To live as if within a dream

Behave the way of which I’m born
Ignoring social looks of scorn

To flow eternally in peace
Realizing that nothing holds me

Away from the eternal hum
Each worry can be quelled to mum

This final step I cannot take
Til’ I release the bonds I make

To family and friends alike,
Material possessions strike

So deep into my peaceful state
This crucial choice I’ve yet to make

Perhaps this fear and woe, is why
I chose to make eternit-ay

The never ending circle spins
Each moment I feel it begins

The morning after
The chirping of birds seems distant
Coals of anger left in my chest
Easy to stoke

But the rage has passed
As has the pang of heart aching sorrow

The morning after is always odd
After misdirected lines
off a tv stand
Surrounded by complicated relationships
And voracious women
That spark no interest in my soul
Just my head

The morning after can be very odd
After screaming matches with god
So one sided
At the far end of IV
Down on the beach
At two am

Feeling somewhere between an atheist
And a lunatic

The only response the roaring crash of the relentless waves

As I beg to be told why this must be my path
Why I wallow through this unwarranted longing

But I suppose what did I expect
Of God's Language

The roar of the ocean
So cold and inhumane
Eternally wise and forever changing

Now I enjoy my oats and coffee
Waiting for my heart to lead me out once again

Her skin
So smooth

Each curve
A groove

She walks
With mind

I search
She’ll find

Sitting next to her
Hours of homework

With her gentle
Fluid
Words

Such a powerful presence
for her character

I did not know

The burden of such longing
With no means of action
Or fear of using the means

Leaves a hole

Strip me of my future endeavors

    Let me live in this present moment

(and both melt away)

I girl biked by today, in rain
Saw her through the window pane

  My arms were crossed
      Her eyes shone glee
  Our two looks locked
      Enticing me

  Threw out a wave
      So naturally
  She waved back
      So gracefully

  The rain still falls
      Her tracks did fade
  But memories
      Her waves have made

My thoughts of now sharing,
To those who are caring,
Of how I am faring,
These poems so blaring,
Of emotions raring,
It leaves me stuck staring

At a page
     Covered in bleeding ink

A step on snow
A step on moss

I stumble slow
My mind is cross

A bird flies low
A stone is round

She exists

Without a sound

Sitting at my dining room table.
Surrounding by family and compassion.

All bleeding
             All hurting
                          All hopeless

Directed at my father.
The man with a heart
             Too big for his soul

So he poisons his body
             To poison his heart
                          To relieve his soul  

Of so much heart.

How can I judge?
I shut my heart off.
             With numbers
                          And logic
                                       And filth.

He lives with his heart.
Open and bleeding.

Begging for the poison
             To relieve his soul
                          Of too much heart

Trust nothing I say

I yield lips of sweet poison

To part other's lips

Why did I stimulate this state of mind
What was I searching for
What have I found

Nothing but emptiness and questions
And no route for release
But internal reflection
Into a glowing screen
On my cushion
Living room
Alone

large embers cool slowly

Waiting for the faintest breath

to blow them back to life

I am ugly

    I am putrid

                                        I am beautiful
                                          
                                              I am perfect

.
I hear the sound of my footsteps

          and the beating of my heart

My heart reaches its tender fingers

               outward

And the impending silence fills me
.

From time to time, with clearest sight
I feel I see the world right
Harmonious vibrations spread
Syn-chrosity, one step ahead

At other moments darkness comes
Fogs clarity, I lose the hum
My jumbled thoughts, emotions fray
I’m looking far beyond today

When young, the sorrow gripped me tight
Stared life in eye, prepared to fight
Felt separated from the flow
Felt separate from what I know

I am the source of all I see
My souls not trapped inside of me
From bang till final breath, I ride
A wave born from eternal sky

The darkness Grows
My weakness Shows
As evidence of Chaos Glows
This must all be for fun
      He Knows

Will I ever fill this gaping void
That grasps me so tight
I feel I cannot escape

So lonely and longing
With no one to reach out to
All those who care
I care nothing for

Their love is dangerous

Yet I return
Through hopeless message sent through digital routes
To my old form of coping

Knowing the potential of pain
For both her and I

Is it selfish?
I believe so.

Curled up, so tightly writing
Stare at hand, the thing supplying
Rhythm, rhyme, structure divine
Words I speak, in perfect time

My fear that when I love her back, the mist of illusion will fade, and I will be standing with my heart in my outstretched hand, blood dripping to the pavement, just a man.

I breath
In peace

I sit
In peace

Ink stains
In peace