Mum I grew up
My worries are taller than the mountains
And my fault in life is plenty
My dreams have been stifled
And my heart is heavy
Behind these eyes
I hide my pain
My brain resists the telling of my heart
Of knocking your door at night; and crying.

There are sorrows
That rip me apart in silence.
Ones I can't bring to my lips.
For they would blame me,
Like I had a choice
To feel this way.
I chose you
Not knowing the grief it would bring

Give me a son with your soft heart
Or even your patience.
Give our children your wild curly hair
Or your open hearted smile.
So that even when we are gone, the world will find within them all of the reasons why I loved you.

I wrote a poem about love
I'm too scared to share
Lest the reader gets jealous
And jinxes my lover
I wrote a poem worth stealing
But I'm protective of it
I'll not have your observant gaze
Look beyond the words and into my life
Rather you accuse me of lies
Than to tamper with my truth
I'm possessive
Of my love
He's for my eyes only
.
You
.
Can have this instead

Like the tears of a prisoner at night
I miss you in private
Behind closed doors
And shut eyelids
I miss you like the dreams of the poor
That never go further than the roof of my house
It's been years
And my sounds have been silenced
Like a radio left on
Whilst you sleep
They think I have forgotten you
Like the death of a bird
Or a flower in the snow
But only I know
Of the void between my words
And the coldness of my fingertips

I heaved forward
Without any desire to look back
But I was yet to learn
That sounds could drift across a space
Like fire
And alight all the memories I'd hidden in the darkest corners of my mind
That hearing fireworks
And the cheer of a crowd
Could remind me of the black sky
Covering streets
Which looked like ruptured veins
And that some perfumes
Are like mines planted in our bodies
And a spray could blow up all the essence of people
I'd tried so hard to remember
That it would drag me to a past I wanted to stay in
And make me ache all over again

The temples and mosques are burning
Where are the worshippers?
Jai Shree Ram
Allah Hu Akbar
When they leave in search of a heaven
That can be found in blood stains
Where are the Gods?
So when the faithful lose their way
When the pure turn away
When the innocent give up
Who will buy into the pundits and Imaams
If the heaven of others is through the death of their brothers?

How was I supposed to not pine for what I once had?
I had someone who lifted me up like a prayer
I had everything that other people dreamt of
How was I supposed to live in the present when the past was so much better?
They told me to move on
Because she had
But they don't know that I had known for a while
The way she sang had changed
She started singing like one would at a funeral
Like she was telling someone else's secrets
I knew she'd get out the front door and disappear
But I won't go to find her
I don't believe in losing ones you love
They're always just there
Not lost
Not needing to be found
People just change
And maybe that was worse than losing her

Hell hath no fury
Like the ruthless waters of motherhood
The wrath of a parent
Stands on knife's edge
She will be brutal with her mercy
And impatient with all lies
But never forget
Without her love and compassion
One could never prosper
Or rise
Seek the bearer of your happiness
Live in the blessings of her shade
A day will come where you wish
Towards her you made haste

Let the graves of the unfaithful be full
Let the Earth be heavy with the deceitful
Why should I relieve this burden?

I want you
And I know for now
You are nothing more than a dream
A spirit
An idea
I gift myself the imagination of our future
You are the letters that become this poem
And I throw all the dictionaries in a fire and name you my language

Red was not the colour of the water
But pain was something we were used to
It was the way it was
And we didn't question it
Because that was all we ever knew
The day you died because you wanted to
I found my way to God
Every question that I had was a grave I could not dig
Imagine choosing
To go to the other side
Not knowing what awaited you
Just that it was not here
Resilience itself is such a terrible thing to celebrate
And patience is a fraudulent art to praise
We look past the people who rest in pretense
But die every dawn
Yet they're the ones we mourn
What good is knowing a person's pain
And letting it sift through your fingers
Like soft, precious sand
Instead of sharp stabbing shards
Until there is no more weakness
In unhinging
And picking yourself apart
Could you give yourself away
Without losing a part of you?
And if that person dies
A part of you does too
So perhaps some of you is already on the other side
And when there's more of you over there
Than here
You just want to go too

Once we lay
On the green carpet of the Earth
Looking up at an oil painting
There was not a star in sight
But the clouds look like velvet
There was a stillness in the air
And it felt like we were the only ones out there
The moon appeared
But it did not speak to us
I showed you who I was
Before the world told me who I should be
And I had given you the opportunity
To die in my arms
Or on the pages of my poetry
You chose
And I wrote
I am still writing you away
Perhaps I loved you to miss you
Perhaps it was the relief I'd feel everytime I met someone new
And didn't feel the same way as I did with you

Her words were like teaspoons of ice
Which unhurriedly snuffed out the fire brewing within his chest
He fought back tears of frustration
As the desire for revenge filled his lungs
And painfully ripped through his jaw
The hands lazily ticked by unaware of their importance to deescalate the situation
The night cheered in manipulation
Providing security
Not secrecy
And so the devil hastened
Refusing to open the door to understanding
Pride stood blocking the entrance of dejection
Thoughts scattered in a volcano of hot anger
He erupted in a display
That only ever needs to be seen once
To have a reputation

Sometimes I wonder, if you could
What it take for you to rise with happiness
And together for us to dance on your grave?
What misery ailed you so much
That you swayed to your own demise?
To suffer is a turn in life
But even after you died, did you truly find peace?
Because I didn't

I need to know
Did you break or were you broken?
Did you forget or were you forgotten?
Your eyes show unease
And I see your forehead crease
I need to know
If you stopped then why can't you continue?
If you slept then why can't you wake up?
I see your hesitation
How you evade the conversation
Did you fall or were you tripped?
Did you leave or were you chased away?
I need to know
Were you always like this or were you made?

I spoke a lot before you,
You weren’t my first words.
I wrote a lot before you,
You weren’t my first poems.
I read a lot before you,
You weren’t my first story.
I bled a lot before you,
You weren’t my first wound.
Many were interested before you,
You weren't the first in line.
The difference between you and those who came before you,
Is that I was their death,
And you were mine

Sometimes the thought of you flits across my mind
And I swear I can hear the happiness in my grin
I can feel my heart elevate to pour out of my mouth
Like a song only I could know

I don't want to give this a name
But if anyone asks
We are dancing with fate
If anyone cares enough
We are interacting with faith
And if they want to get personal
Give them a million reasons
But let them guess the truth
I want us to be as pointless for them
As a chocolate teapot
I don't want to give this a name yet
But when we do
No one needs to be told
Every question
Every intention
Every thought
Is you
There's the entire universe
But for me there's only you

Tonight I'm lost
Somewhere in my memories
His face flashes by
Fabricated by nostalgia
And romanticised by my heart
I see coffee meeting cigarette
I feel a different kind of happiness
I see a beautiful creature
With a bright life force
And everything to offer the world
All pure promises
It's not in everyone's capacity
To understand such a complex being
But he's a man not an angel
Could one complain of the thorns
And still enjoy the rose?
The world is all but an accident

It's a sticky, humid August afternoon
And I am like a rag doll thrown over furniture
Over half of the year has gone by already
And I worry
I wanted to make something of myself this year
There's still time I think
Definitely still some time
I need to do something
But if I'm happy in my dreams
Does that still count?
If I lost someone but found myself
Does that mean I still won?
If I learnt how to hide the memories
Could I erase the history that produced them?
I played a dangerous game
When I turned off the alarm clock after it rang this morning
And rested my eyes
There's still time I think
If I wasn't afraid
What would I do?
The year is not over yet

It disturbs the peace of my heart
And the sanity of my mind
So I pray as much as I ache
The night is long
And the Lord is generous
Let me not destroy and betray myself for nothing
I like to obsess intensely
Mercilessly
There's no room to bend
And I don't care for logic
Sometimes my fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself
So I tell myself no heart could ever regret going in search of its dreams
I imagine how strangers can turn into family
And family can turn into strangers
That there will be months that ask questions
And months which will answer
And the hardest moments
Will be unlearning all I've ever known
I too am a daughter of the dust
How could I be more loving towards you
How could I be more kind?
You deserve to live for yourself
And sleep peacefully at night

The greedy dig their own grave with their teeth
Torso and cheek into the mud
Until there's nothing more than blood
And alabaster bone fragments
They don't want anything that can be given or taken
It has to be found
The greedy seek to lay claim
In public
And own in private
The greedy aren't needy
They want
And that's all that matters

She learnt from a young age
How to be a genius of sadness
To allow it to come
And let it take it's course
To not fight
Nor run away
But to brave herself
And meet it head on
For there was a blessing in disguise
Could one learn how to heal
If they've never been hurt?
Healed people
Heal people
She took pain and cushioned it within her chest
Then with it she weathered the storm
Although her eyes knew not how to conceal
Her mouth rose to the occasion
So when sadness seeks her out
She makes no excuses
And keeps all its secrets
Her faith was infinite

The only time he feels alive
Is when his lungs burn
And each breath is a rasping exhale
Then gulped
Fast
Vigorous
Hungry
It hurts
It feels like desperation
At least his body wants to stay
It works
It fights
For what he doesn't know
And in that striking moment of fire coursing through his veins
He is grateful for something
A feeling
A desire
An awareness of not knowing the hereafter
His chest aches from the apparent

At sunset
We hung our heads
And knelt in the field of faith
Watching the dead go free
Our stories changed with the moon
But I was still a girl
Who cried at night
Waiting to sail a vessel into the night skies
Freedom did not always mean happiness

Trace the shadows of where the joy in the journey still thirsts inside you
Taste the red truth in the ribbon of your tongue
I want you to see the cloak over the song of your heart
Isn't it a mercy that the city is unaware of your dreams?
I'd tell you there's freedom in the way your future lingers as it walks the aisle
And it can meet only you
So don't be discouraged
If the night sets
And the dawn comes
Time and time again
Want only the sky
The heavens will open
For they were made for you

Woe unto me
    I was foolish  
              I walked in with my eyes open and thought that would help

I got lost in the traffic of my thoughts
And the silence of a secret

He asks if I've ever been in love
And I say
Every poet is always in love
Everything is a prompt
Every object and person
Every moment
Every feeling
We love it all
So much so
We fantasize about it
Write about it
Imagine it to life
The freedom
The despair
The sky of each day
We're in love with the journey
The creation
The creator
The story
It's overwhelming
To have your mind be in five places at once
All illuminating the other
Transcending from a memory with no language
From reality to fiction
Fiction to reality
And we write
Into an empty space
At a stage so far from where the thought began
With no certainty of how it will end

The sin was in the way I loved you
Too much
Too strong
Too fast
I left no room for anyone else
I mourn not for loving you
But how deep I fell
How badly I craved
And caved
Gave every little part of me away

When you went gently into the dark night
And left me stranded
Could you hear the torment you left me in
You saw the light and followed it
But left me blind
Tell me what did I gain from loving you
All you had to give was hope
And hope is a heartache
I don't want anymore