Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

                                    Twent­y Three But Not Me

I am told I have 26 new kin
How sad that I will never get to meet them
23andMe has tossed me into the bin
Access has been blocked through someone’s whim:

My information is open for hackers to see
But it’s certainly not open for me!

Just had a result from the
DNA test and guess what?

I'm related to Adolf ******!

I requested a double check
and guess what?

I am also related to the Queen
of England!

Does that mean Liz and Adolf
are cousins?

Is it a Catch 22AndMe situation,
I being the odd one out!!

The Bad The Ugly And The Good!

If you marry a person
from your own country
you will speak alike

If you marry a person
from your own county
you will sound alike

If you marry a person
from your own city
you will seem alike

If you marry a person
from your own community
you will spit alike.

I did the test, got an answer
back, a close link from my
mothers side, to Franklin,
being Benjamin, who did
stop off at Cork Harbour
en route to Paris in 1786.

What is odd, I have two
patents and a string of
inventions, but never did
come to equate time with
money.

On my fathers side, it
appears that I am a diluted
royal.

What is odd, I had a bakery
in New Zealand which I
called " Well, Bread. "

especially bombardment of online scare tactics
courtesy fiendish insidious loathsome sinister oafs
rubbing their hands at aggrieved party;
punch drunk cyber thieves ecstatic
acquiring by hook and/or crook
sought after precious, priceless, and proverbial data
after loosed ransomware forces capitulation.

yours truly naïveté found him aghast
when some fly by night virtual ruffians cost
him a pretty penny, more so total cents
minus sensibility stole pride without prejudice
(to the tune of $598.99) embossed
upon his psychological state
such temerity ye possibly evinced,
he recently poetically glossed.

the sonsabitches running amuck across
webbed wide world
obviously regard innocent victims as dross
acquiring cachet among fellow den of thieves
at expense of those miscreants
inflicting unnecessary suffering,
their unscrupulous, nefarious, and gregarious
predatory ways and means gross
negligence of inadequate punishment
regarding criminal behavior
of course impossible mission
to trace internet route
hacked out by faceless, nameless, xyz
brazen foo fighting interlopers
physical location nets absolute zero
results, where well their guarded identity
kept under wraps.

even being ever so mindful to steer clear
(by at least a bajillion miles)
of websites designated unsecure my worst fear
as pertains to getting snagged
by self taught sophisticated mutineers interfere
with enjoying plethora of resources
available at the mere touch of keystroke
or two, or three, or four...
forced into a horrible nightmare scenario
where rival hooligans
best macabre creation of Stephen King
namely high flying plane story
featuring more'n one beastie boy langolier;

they rank as medium-sized globular creatures
consisting almost entirely
of a huge sharp-toothed maw
described as "time keepers" and inhabit
a temporal realm
usually unreachable by human senses,
to which non-living matter drifts
into as linear timeline
advances from present to future.

above fictional creation
share similar destructive trait
with said actual accursed
demonic evil incarnate
species of inhuman nasty brutes
purveyors of malware to the highest bidders
indiscriminately kindle linkedin
dudes and "dudette" or "dudess,"
the female reference
for bro out of parlance
friend finder applications to overhear
albeit telepathically establish racketeer.

even if unilingual wordsmith
writer of this reasonable rhyme
possessed wherewithal to infiltrate
countless electronic hubs
constituting the realm
of cosmic consciousness
(peopled with gamut
of pinteresting opportunistic folks
some similar to one garden variety
hybridized **** sapien,
whose genealogical lineage
actually considerably expanded

when eldest sister of mine
in conjunction with first cousin
thru paternal branch
enlisted collective information
accessible thru 23andMe
allowing, enabling, and providing
insight into our family tree),
he would feel disinclined
to wreak havoc
plunging headlong into accounts
clouding domain of other's binary province.

when held spellbound courtesy grifter

Flim-flam man left lasting emotional whiplash
his derelict perfected artifice
to hijack every last cent
smarted me with indelible smash;
living daylight delivered I kidney you not
envious affliction affecting
last named member and founder of the Byrds
with crosby, stills, young and nash
entire corporeal being turned to hash
condemned state yours truly relegated,
cuz cremation unaffordable, though pulverized
and transformed into powdery ash;

Impossible mission to conceptualize
transmutation into cremains, the brain
lodged within me noggin
ill equipped to envision mine gray matter
even after asking mister Google to explain
that cremation takes place
in a specially designed furnace,
referred to as a cremation chamber or retort,
and exposed to extreme temperatures –
up to 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit–
leaving behind only ashes.

Following the procedure,
a cooling period required
before the remains can be handled.

Yours truly can best attest,
when succumbing as victim to virtual heist
I most likely flip flopped
into one percent atavistic Neanderthal state;
a surprising revelation
23andme genotyping results
yielded said presence of proto human
after analyzing DNA
courtesy saliva sample from eldest sister.

No other logical satisfactory explanation doth chime
lapsed consciousness, hence reasonable rhyme
whereat one twenty first century mortal man
virtually travelled in time
cast into nasty, shortish brute
obliging deft inducement
outsourcing valuable dough.

Though aforementioned far-fetched notion
smacks of high skepticism,
yet no more ridiculous than
hominids over bajillion years springing forth
from flotsam and jetsam in the ocean
I may as well broach another theory of creation
(just came to my mind),
that divine omnipotent wizard
sprinkled magic potion
across primordial sea
after watching an advertisement promotion
claiming said product
contained the seeds of life and white lily.

Convinced that snake oil salesman
wrought deleterious influence
triggering a debacle that rocked
the financial market,
(albeit constituting one singular naked ape),
an attorney general based in Philadelphia
believes I presented a convincing case,
which hopefully witnesses
recouping all or most of my funds.

As origin of **** Sapien species surged ahead,
harboring nascent predominance
asper said primate reproductively bred,
(albeit via incremental fits and starts)
evolutionary forebears didst dread
Tom Tom Club former members
an American new wave band founded in 1981
by husband-and-wife team Chris Frantz
and Tina Weymouth
as a side project from Talking Heads,
rocketing them to super stardom
similar to heights of fame and fortune,
where band zeppelin led
exemplifying, fortifying, and glorifying QED
quod erat demonstrandum
meaning "that which was to be demonstrated,"

whence, (since time immemorial) nasty, short
brutish, loutish, and vampish anthropological,
genealogical, and millennial
report card found forebears
precariously perched, pitched, and positioned quart
toured pièce de résistance  purport
head supremacy devastatingly,
heavily, and literally bruited nearly did abort

tentative tenacious status
being supreme species oft times
challenged minuscule leading edge
proto humans rendered
stronghold atop ACME perch
(on evolutionary leading cusp) fund hedge
ching hypothetical bets said simians
nearly toppled off figurative ledge
against being easily uprooted
akin to one weeding out unwanted sedge
imposing fledgling breakfast of champions
clinging to niched wedge

while serial incessant challenges nearly wrote
snuffed out clinched placed viz *** him tote
often at fateful loggerheads,
where survival of the fittest smote
cream of the crop sacrificed for Ares
poised to strike dawn of dusky mankind
viz apish creatures almost got rote
off while chance dominance, eminence grise
pitted, spitted, and got vetted sans un quote
able primal screaming expletives
pitted Neanderthal progenitors note
worthy kickstarter scrum held dim promise,
whether weathered brood
which smattering population comprised
a scattered handful of rudimentary
destined to become a GOAT

contemporary competitive lass or dude,
whence latent talent to net fame and fortune
voluntarily sharing wealth as altruistic,
deterministic, humanistic, and idealistic
amidst looming global warming
legacy of industrial revolutions,
which pointedly wreaked havoc
radioactive Superfund sites still exude
toxins, where dangerous fallout glommed,

rained, and frankly zapped the tocsin
muted, muffled, muddied waters
where pollution never
confronted Wilma or Fred Flintstone
generic Geico caveman/woman respectively,
and aside from external
threatening ecological depredations
violent crime comprises tribal (family) feud
where might versus right,

the deterministic factor aye include
at undoubtedly animalistic behavior
defied being categorized as lewd
since each monkey's uncle
similarly frolicked, gallivanted, and hocked
like a CRO-MAGNON
European early modern humans,
when he flirted in done ****
videre licet dangling modifier
attested courtesy punctuated equilibrium

(the hypothesis evolutionary development
marked by isolated episodes
of rapid speciation
between long periods
of little or no change)
courtesy Stephen Jay Gould
fate didst not occlude
also absence of consciousness rued

until...fast forward to the present day,
when carnal, feral,
and integral leanings attempted
to rope hormonal, gonadal,
and banal found
more recent ancestors (discovered
visa vis like Ancestry.com and/or 23andme)
rolled in the hay
under the natural predilection to lay naked,
especially frisky comb early
May procreative force
engendered the writer of this poem,
when his parents coaxed foreplay
unbeknownst, that their singular heir,
would be afflicted with countless
obsessive compulsive mailer to slay
ritualistic controlling psychic threnody
dominated favored holistic paradigm oy vey
dystopia prevails every which way
Gaia will be declared winner yay!