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Nik Krutilla May 2013
If a mermaid falls in love...
Where does she get weak,
Is that electric connection dangerous,
And if her breath isn't taken away...
What is?



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.

Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.

Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.  
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.

But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?

In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.

Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.

So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
I can't let myself keep awake about you.
You have absolutely no idea.
None at all, how I lie here and just
Think
And think.
Remembering you and me in darkness,
Music all around us.
Sometimes flashes of this.
Sometimes long detailed thoughts.
Trying to remember every action,
Every word said.

It all gets twisted around.
Distorted the more my mind pushes for a visceral connection to hold onto.
To relive again those moments between you and I.

I feel vulnerable in my thoughts.
I had a notion that I kept my emotions closed up tight.
No one could decipher my state of mind.
But as I always do,
I feel transparent around you.
And it frustrates me to no end.  

Seeing signs, unwillingly, in everyday things.
Reminders of you in some little way.
Unconscious happenings, until the third time's a charm and I take notice.
Is some higher power trying to tell me something or what?
Is it useless to believe divine intervention could have a hand in my life?
Can't I think God is involved in my insignificant place in the world?
How can happenstance be blamed?

It's seems to me that I know you,
Or what I want to assume you are, given the chance to get that close.
And I can't be your distraction.
The phase that occurred between the running away and the falling back to.
I refuse to accept that role.
To be so rootless to your life.
That's not fair to me.
Not at all.
Especially when I have no idea how I came to be here.
In this complex emotional pond.
I just woke up one day and it was.
And I didn't get to prepare.  
And it's not fair.

Let me have my walls back because now I am stuck.
Thanks to you, I'm stuck somewhere across from a breakdown and beside staircase.
Maybe you're a twin mirror of me though.
You might have just been paying more attention to the details.
Been more effected than I was, faster than I realized perhaps?
Whatever the case is, it's thrown me.
And I lay here every night think, thinking.
Somehow paranoid you can feel me conjuring memories of us.
Maybe wishing you could feel it every time you come into my head.
Like a ringing in your ears.
So then I wouldn't have to be alone in all this turmoil.
Not tragic just inconvenient.

It's as if I have a fantastic vision for a painting but no brushes to stoke with.
I'm baffled.
And I don't know where to go from here.
This limbo, half self imposed.
The saddest thing though,
Is that I kind of relish those thoughts.
Because for now they make me feel not so alone.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2013
Maybe the intensity is too much to handle.
It's simple though.
Although for someone who lives with heavy all the time it seems simple.
Between two points is a line.
No matter how far in life you've lived it's always simple.
Just a person with a possibility
Wanting someone to think they're possible too.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
You say my eyes are the prettiest
that you've seen in a while.

They guide you out of the hole
that you've found yourself fallen into.

I hope you might drown in them
for a little while.

You say they fill you with hope
and something wild.

So take them as invitation to my life.

When I smile and your eyes light up
it gets to me like nothing else has before.

The day we met the rain was falling down
not making sense.

You saw something inside me that was hidden.

It came out and blazed into your arms
safe and warm.

You told me of your dreams.

Said your fingers were nimble enough to catch them
but...
not sure your heart was strong enough to keep them.

Just touching you blinds me
with desire for you wholly.

You light up a spark
I thought died out ages ago.

Yeah, you slow me down with your sweet,
sweet smile.

I don't know now what to think,
I don't know what I'm doing
with you in my arms.

But it feels like a home
I've forgotten to return to.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2013
Sometimes, just sometimes
I want to bash my head against the wall
To knock me out of this loop.
Where the hell did it come from and
Why is it digging itself inside.
My heart's already done for.
In my head it's all disguised.
So all that's left to seep out are these
Conflicting words of lust, like, love.
From hands that know too much but not enough.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Aug 2017
There was a time I know
Not many years before,
I sat with heart in hand
On your living room floor.

Your eyes held invitation
Wanting me to understand
Your good, bad and ugly
And see you as a man.

Memories and glimpses,
Visions and dreams.
Roll themselves together
To make sense of everything.

Now when I think of love
Something real and true,
It's for a boy with eyes
A little green and a little blue.

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jul 2013
If I had a penny for every step,
One in front of the other.
I would have a copper trail
The whole sun couldn't cover.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
I anixiously wait
To feel the clawing
Of that body mania.
Reaching up for the burning
Taunt of wanton heat
You pour through my skin.

I want to have it swell
Inside so fiercely,
So unrelentingly
That it will blindingly
Consume my feather triggered nerves.

A wild animal barely contained
Inside this caged body.
Restrained passion sparking far out
As the wick of a firework.

Spin my mind into a tizzy
Tease and then give in,
And my body will melt
Like lava on the brink of
Building an island out of this.



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
Hold onto your convictions.
Even if they want to sway you otherwise.
They will never truly understand where you're coming from.
It's not their fault but all the same.

Be true to your emotions.
They are valid and real.
Worth every tear and smile and daydream.
Hold faith that you need to be patient.
Just see how things unfold.

You know yourself better than anyone.
Remember you are strong and compassionate.
You have survived worse and stand the tallest of tall.
Even if you feel small sometimes.
You have that scorching light illunminating from inside you.

Hold onto to your convictions.
Because the heart is constant in its beats.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
Waiting ever so
Patiently
To remind them.
With deep conviction
In their eyes
Wanting to
Tell them softly,
I did the best I could.

The best I could

Gazing up at them
As they motioned toward
The hallway.
The tension was clinging.

The best I could

Trying to bypass it
With a lazed shrug.
They started to get
Antsy
Picking at their pocket.
They focused
On the worn floor.

The best I could

A cough stifled the air.
Turning attention away
As it was becoming
Unbearable.

The best I could

Taking one last,
Lingering look at them.
Watching,
As they gathered up the bags
Proceeded to walk
Determinedly
Through the door
And...
Out of my life.



*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Oct 2014
Sometimes we feel like we have no idea where we're going.
We question ourselves but can't give the answers.
I think perhaps life cycles around.
In all things.
Whether it's lifestyle or hobbies or love.
Reminders to us of where we were and how we felt while we were there.
Rare times it's to let us know there is some unfinished business we should take hold of.
Gain that inspiration back for things we've neglected.
Things that are a part of our creative being.
Most of the time though,
Those reappearing tokens come to give us closure.
To make us aware when we've seemed to get lost off our paths.
We all get so caught up in small fragments of the here and now.
We forget to breathe and take in the big picture landscape we've created.
We feel lost.
Then something or someone comes back into our view.
But it's never the same as it was when we first endeavored there.
There's a reason for that.
As elusive as the message can be,
We believe we're to pick up where we left off.
It's unsettling and thrilling and we jump head first.
If only we realized we can't hold ghosts.
These things come as only subconscious reminders.
Sometimes we need a push open our eyes to our own selves.
We spend time figuring out how to add these things back into our lives.
The thing is though they were already there.
They never left.
That is the point though.
Every experience stays with us in varying degrees of effect.
We are molded by them and define ourselves in pieces.
We forget while we collect parts of us we always stay whole.
So those come agains are a way to help us recognise that.
We aren't meant to travel down that road again.
We don't need to delve into that routine again.
We need to see that we have grown from all of it.
Every step in that staircase leads to the house of you.
Without those conjoining moments we would be stuck still.
It's all in the process of becoming.
See who you are now and be grateful.
When life cycles back and brings you living memories remember
They are just memories, never duplicated.
They are the starting places of what allowed you to grow.
Keep climbing.
It's easy to want to fall back.
But like a tide shifting you'll only land on sand and miss the natural current.
So only look back to gauge how far you've come.
And keep moving.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
Comfortably lounging on the couch.
The tv on low and plates
of unfinished food by my feet.
Tracing my fingertips
across your forehead.
Then venturing them
into your hair.
While you gently tickle
down my leg and
raise goosebumps on my knee
when you breathe.
That's how our nights should wind down.



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
If my dignity
had a scent,
it would burn of...
sandalwood and honey.
Along with it
my kite line
integrity.
It would swirl
around my porous
relations.
Serving as a lead rope
to the
inner contempt
I banter with
on a
daily basis.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jun 2013
You had this haze
filling up the room.  
I couldn't seem to
trample through the maze
without following your
laughter.
I sat still
and molasses like
as I watched the colors
bounce from floor
to walls
back onto you.

The stiffness
in my smiling cheeks
was a soreness that
helped me enjoy
the realness of those
moments.
The thoughts running
dialogue through
my tethered mind
wanted to pour out
into the reality of then
but they held steady
inside.

Wondering
what if I could just
let loose,
melt enough
to spill on your floor
the ideas of conversation
between us.
I wanted to
loosen control
so...
badly...
to the point that
you would have
a front row seat
to the inner workings
of me.

Always a thinker,
an analyzer,
a day dreamer.

Snapping back into
the now of then
every so often
I was scared.
Scared
to believe that
a situation I have been
embarrassingly replaying
for months in my dreams
had come to
fruition.
Not wrapping my mind
around the truth
in front of me
that I was here
and you were here
and this was.

It's a vulnerable confession
that I had gained
extreme pleasure
in just your company.

In just your single company.

I wish
I could stop
doubting
the perception
you have of me,
but even more so
I wish I could
actually know.
In straight lined
bold words,
I wish I could
read out loud
what it is of me
you see.



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2016
I see something true.
You kissed the girls and made them cry.
It was a nightmare before Christmas with blind intentions, of kith and kin.
Please, we both pray, let your mercy fall on me with snapshots of our brothers and sisters.

That this might have been instead of soon to be, is our fear.
If we ever meet again we shall be shown truth.
You're not sorry, and you shouldn't be.
You have become you because of it and we do have one more chance.
It's your footprints in the snow that will be exposed.
We'll understand that it must have been Love pushing and pulling us to each other.

The one that never was ,like a book, one was fiction because we always were.
There is no fault.
It's just the consequence of miracles in our lives making it seem complicated.
We are ready now and say bring on the wonder, we're both up to speed.
The desire and hope to be loved.

I have filtered everything that's ever been in life and come to the conclusion that all there is only God and Love...
And then there's you.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2014
Today is the birth day of a woman...
Who continued on her journey.
It's been 8 years since she's gone.

But I can still remember the sound of her laugh
And the smell of her hugs.
I live with her in my daughters' name
And see her hands in my own.

I hope she's proud of who she always knew I could be...
I wish i could tell her in person thank you...
For being a part of me.

I love you Gma and happy birthday.....

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
One day you'll realize...
I don't have an answer for everything,
Don't make the sun rise and the stars shine,
Can't always protect you from monsters,
Or make it better with a hug when you cry...

I'm not as brave as I seemed
Or as wise as you thought
Not as strong as you believed
Because I've gotten lost a lot...

We might argue and disagree,
I'll watch you laugh and grow,
It will be bittersweet for me ,
One day you'll change and be on your own...

So I make memories in my days with you,
From your beginning, to my end,
And hope one day when you're older
You'll be able to remember them...

For if a mother is god in the eyes of a child
Then you were my angel from the start,
Your tears and laughter and all that comes after
Is what keeps me going sweeheart...

I'll never stop caring and teaching and leading
Because I found an unconditional love in you,
And if you learn only one thing from me
This one undeniable, ultimate truth...

We're apart of each other
Me and you
So I'll only live with half my heart
Because the other half is you...


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
I had this thought when I was younger,
That I had to know who I was and who I wanted to be,
By a certain time in my life.
That, when a stranger asked me to tell them about myself
I should have a designated answer in the form of linguistic description.
Full disclosure of self.
I'd listed in my mind hobbies, character traits, intellectual preferences.
All things that, when put together,
Would produce a vision of who I was as a person.
I was a complete profile from top to bottom.
Inside and through.
Adding to and refining back qualities of what made me as I went along.
Fine tuning the presentation of me to society.

I thought I had it down.
Picked through with a fine tooth comb.
No boring aspect refurbished, no overbearing flaw unchecked.

Then one day
I was in a place that housed people milling around,
Same as any other day.
And as I sat next to a fountain feeding some birds,
Like I was prone to do on the pleasant weathered days.

A little boy came up an sat down next to me.
I didn't think anything of it and just smiled at him.
He lingered beside me for a few minutes.
And I noticed he seemed to be staring at me
With a quizzical look on his sun bright face.
I continued to dole out pieces of my left over lunch
And he giggled just a slight.
Now I was curious to know why this little guy
With anything at all to do other than sit next to me,
Was laughing.

I finally turned toward him intent on asking what was so funny,
When he stated before I could utter a word

"You're the nicest lady I ever saw"

I was initially a little gobsmacked as to the bold declaration.
It made me snort a bit.
Shaking my head, I pondered to him

"What would make you say that?"

He innocently replied with a grin that...

"You feed the birdies and they don't even say thank you. That makes one a really nice lady! "

Well color me stupefied there.
This little boy, in his little statement, awed me.
He didn't know me or who I was or where I've come from
And in just that one action he witnessed of me
Feeding those little flying creatures,
He determined me a nice person.

And it swelled me more intensely than any praise over an achievement,
Any congratulations of a job well done,
Any compliment of artistic ability.

And as he got up to run off to wherever he came from,
I sat there contemplating...

Of all the things I thought of myself up until this point,
Just being myself with no preconceived notion or projection,
I felt more transparent in that little boys observance,
Than anything else in my whole life.
That led me to wonder why in the world I had bothered
To ever worry about and plan around who I wanted people to see me as.
I began thinking all of my preparing and analyzing,
All of the forethought I put into me as a person.
Kind of went out the window.

Because if a complete stranger could see through me so easily,
With just a mindless action like that,
Then what did people really see beyond my presentation,
Of me?
Not that who I projected myself to be was false, just honed
To show the best parts of me always.
But then, what are the best parts of me which other people rarely see?
Maybe the things about myself I thought of as "works in progress"
Were already fully bloomed and beautiful already.
Maybe I was just so conditioned to think they weren't?

So as I laid on my couch later that night
And aimlessly thought of the events of the day,
I made a plan to have no more plans.
To keep my list of everything about me I had written over the years,
But put it somewhere only to serve as a reminder to me.
I'd try, from here on out, to just be me
Freely.

The only regret I had of that encounter though,
Was that I didn't get to tell that little mind changer

Thank you...


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Mommy...
do you want to play
ponies with me?

Just for a little bit,
maybe,
or all night?

Maybe,
until I get sleepy
then rub my face?

Just until I want you
running fingers
through my hair instead?

I do like when we snuggle,
but maybe,
we can bring my ponies?

Cause they get lonely
sometimes,
like you do.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2016
If we were only
Made of hearts
Seen by the way we beat and sway,

I fear that I will be found out,
The moment
That you
Look my way.
~
I have known
A heart or two
Who have tried to move in sync,

But rhythms never measured up,
And still
My heart
Would seek.
~
If we were only
Made of hearts
Searching for a love sublime,

I can't deny mine starts and stops,
And falls
With yours
In time.
~
If you never
Get the chance
To see my light that shines,

A sunrise hue my heart's adorned
With yours
So very
Close to mine.
~
But we're not only made of hearts,
So this truth
I'll proudly say.

Eternal rhythm
May flow
Through you,

But it's me
That's been
Swept away...


~ *©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2012
I wonder,
If this is all just a waste of time or a lesson in progress.
I can't quite decide how I want to interpret this situation yet.
It seems so fragile to me.
To my heart.
No one else but to me, does it matter.
Maybe that's the thing of it...
It's not suppose to matter to anyone else.
Are we all just destined to really travel this life alone?
In a sense.
Because that just breaks me a little to think we are.
Coming from a heart guarded person.
Doubt, vulnerability,
These things scare me.
But not enough to not try, to overcome them.
Standing tall and strong on an independent pedestal is fine.
It really is.
To enjoy life solo and free is a wonderful experience.
But then sometimes...
You want to share the journey with someone.
Laugh with someone, smile with someone.
Hold someone.
It's just not something we can plan for.
We can't map out exactly when and where and who we'll be drawn toward.
We can't expect the unexpected, when we're not expecting anything to begin with.
And isn't that the thing of it.
I never expected.
Dropped into something when I wasn't looking.
Tricked myself right on through a maze of emotion.
And now the plan, the way I was contently leading on
Has been affected by the unexpected.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Or not do.
See...fragile.
The snow globe that was my life has been shaken,
And all around me falls uncertainty of the heart.
I was fine with waiting until it happened naturally.
Not being alone anymore.
Finding someone who just...
Fits.
But I guess what I had been doing was expecting.
Expecting to not expect anything.
And now there's this place.
This situation that I can't really determine.
If it's a waste of time,
Or a blessing in progress.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2014
The train whistle blares away 2 am...
And with it leftover pieces of meaning.
Eyes still half closed with ethereal haze...
Shadows slink back and forth on the ceiling.
The fan swirls, soothing like cicada rhythm...
Sleepy head tucked where the covers are meeting.
Desperately trying to get back to that lucid place...
Where it was you who I was seeing.
A terribly caged thing my fervent heart is...
When enticed from just an inkling.
Set me free and let it kindle us both here...
Waking tangled would be greater than dreaming.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
Moving again.
Packing and suffocating
just to hoard awhile.
Unleash and prop in the next chapter.
How many more times
will I have to revolve around the clock timer?

Displace my comfort.
Stir up and riffle my stability
just to watch for the final sunset.
Until the explanations to my pebble have to dust
out of my mouth again.

A gypsy life not for three.
So hard to handle for anyone but me.
Practice, practice, reset and stay.
It's a cycle I'm tired of.

Grown accustomed to delay and anxiety.
Longing for roots and more tomorrows.
Fly me away with wings of fire.

To disintegrate left behind memory
that's tying up my feet.
To ignite a blazed landing...

To grow from,
to be content on.

A place to be when my pebble wants to fly.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2014
Sometimes we forget that when we receive love...
It doesn't always come in the package we're expecting.
Love doesn't have just one kind of face.

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Mar 2014
Grace will be
The calming refuge
That follows deep below
The torrential journey.
Keep the sun in your face
And your faith
In the air.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Aug 2017
If this feeling is rope
And we are the knot,
I don't want to know, where I start and you stop.

Tied to an anchor
Tied to a dock,
Or hung on a wall for a ticking clock.

I know who's before me,
I know who's behind,
I know He made your hand to fit with mine.

If we are beaten by storms
Or steady still like rocks,
He shows us together what is
By growing from what's not.

Some call it a blessing,
Some call it the worst.
I just call it love, and give thanks to Him first.

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2014
I catch glimpses of you.
As a pebble on the ground.
Where the breeze pushes you to the side.
When the rains stretch you down.

I catch glimpses of you.
Always looking toward the trees.
I never see your face though.
Dancing wild for the bees.

But I am only a pebble on the ground.
You are more like the trees.
I only catch glimpses of you.
But I'm in love with the parts I see.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
I hold onto this key,
Not worth more than a dime.
Lay down your amour honey,
Here next to mine.

Lay down your head,
Forget for a while.
Bare out your fears,
They've been walking for miles.  

The memories seem to sneak up,
And boldly corner you.
You're seeing them backwards,
They're running you through.

Just whisper to me your frail hopes,
Show me the bones of your desires.
That stalking fog will vanish,
From this doorway of fire.

It'll be simple for us,
In the cool dawn of the morning.
This is not quite the beginning,
Of a never ending story.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2012
It's not time yet...
You both still need to heal.
Need to grow a little more,
Get that closure you deserve,
Be selfish for a while longer.

It will happen...
You'll both get there.
Know being alone is alright,
Make awareness of your worth,
Get lost with just yourselves.

Keep your faith...
You guys are doing right.
Entertain your mind indulgently,
Discover passions you never knew,
Meet the you, you are supposed to be.

Just keep eyes wide...
Your paths will cross.
Get rid of negative notions,
Be ready to embrace the wonderful,
Open up enough for a landing.

When you've been patient,
After you are centered,
When it's time,
And you're both ready...

LOVE


© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Mar 2014
I have struggled alone on many roads under the umbrella of circumstance.
I have kept my laces tied and forged along my path.
While storms of devastation have tried to knock me down.
I have seen not the clouds of suffering but the rays beyond, that will guide me out.
As my journey still continues to test my faith, strength and will.
Through the paradigm of my own making, I will build a world of silk.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jul 2014
I am not a prim and proper wedding cake topper.
Nor am I the quick-time drop her, ***** girl offer.
Varied between.

My mind, blind to the shallows of relationship seas.
My feelings run deep like haunting melodies.
Honestly offered.

Complex in my simplicities and transparently guarded.
Running lava-hot inside these walls hard hearted.
Softly contained.

But like a second read to a book that has been skimmed through before.
Welcoming now a chance for someone to want to explore.



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2012
Trying to push me far
but you roll right on back,
To where you were.
Distance is but a physical thing.
Space.
Only it's the,
Catching eyes when walking by.
Inhaling while standing close.
It's your mind
that has to be censored.
Craving.
Of thoughts and memories.
Creeping around and falling front row.
Inside your head.
You have my voices that drips
Like honey.
Through your quite moments and hurried days.
Notice.
Your mind is rationalizing.
Contemplating.
Wanting.
How could someone with no belief
Of love
Deal with a heart that won't quit?
That wants to be coddled and held.
Potentially.
Like magnets do
They always come back together.
Gravitating toward each other.
Needing to feed
Off the balance of being near.
What if one of those times
You pushed...

I just pulled



*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Feb 2016
Ocean waters were never so blue,
Until I lost the sight of you.
The green that sprouts around my heart,
Taste of spearmint; cool and ****.
The subtext speaks volumes,
That which the voice cannot confirm.
That is why poetry is release for the soul that yearns.

~*NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
It feels as though
You're peeling away layers
Of me.
With just your stare.
It's disconcertingly invigorating.
Having the awareness
Like someone is
Tracing my insides.
Like you're painting me
By numbers.
Erasing tiny fortresses
I've unwittingly constructed
As years went on.

Oh how it makes me want to stretch and scream...

I would parade in front
Of you.
To get a small thrill
From the exposure you don't know
You're causing.
What you must think
When you look
At me.
Your mind turning out
Notions.
Construing ideas
Of what pieces
Of what I am
Fit into what spots.

Am I a puzzle to you?

Do you secretly want to lay
Me on the floor
And find
All my edges first?
Seeing the whole of me
Come together.  
Figuring me out but
Still needing to place that last piece in
To be satisfied
By what you discover.

What a way to waste some hours...

Dissecting a persons' ego.
Knowing someone's dreams
And spirit.
Would I be fascinating
To you?

I would like to hope yes.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.

Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.

You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.

My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,

"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."

I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.

A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.

I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.

Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contained sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.

"Come back mama, come back!"



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
There is nothing
I can do
but watch as I
Lose myself again.
I wish I was
As strong as
Rain.



*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2016
I haven't seen you since March.

It's now May.

And I miss you.*


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Sep 2013
It's so late again.
That time where thoughts won't lie still.
I won't ask you to tell me.
I'm not sure I'd even know the answer myself.
I think though, that I've waited long enough.
For myself.
Being a spontaneous person that's an achievement.
But I like to think it's worth it.
The waiting.
The patience.
Not sure if it's a lesson yet learned.
But the reason why.
That's what haunts me.
Why.
I'd just like to know.
I can't ask you though.
I'm not sure you could answer if you tried.
Maybe it wouldn't be fair to you.
But what's fair to me?
Keeping distance because you don't want inflict pain.
Or fear maybe.
Pretending was never a skill I excelled with.
I think I'd just like to start on the first page is all.
Take that step forward into new.
Am I asking too much?
I promise you what I have to give would be so much more.
Or should I give up?
Let be and walk away.
Take a chance that you'd come find me when you're ready.
I'm just stuck here.
Stuck with thoughts.
Like thoughts of what could be.
But what do I know?
It's not as if I'd ask you.
Cause it's my heart you could break.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Nov 2012
Out of the dark haze I arise the phoenix within me...

Oh, how bright I burn


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Aug 2017
Don't give me roses.
Don't give me rings.
I am not simple and those are just things.

If you do love me,
If it is true,
Then here are the means I would like from you.

Paint me canvas,
Sing me a song,
Write me a letter with words that are strong.

Show me your funny,
Show me your shy,
Share all the dreams you have in your mind.

Hold me when I'm sad,
Hold me when I'm happy,
Hold me either way because I'm a little bit sappy.

Pieces of your heart,
Parts of your mind,
I want to learn you bits at a time.

What I'm trying to convey,
What I hope that you got,
It's you that I love so it's only you that I want.

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Nov 2012
You know,
I knew before I walked down this path...that there were risks...
The risk of being let down,
The risk of confusing myself,
The risk of giving more than I'd get back,
The risk of falling so deep and so hard for you, that I'd for sure lose a little bit of common sense...
And even though I believe that the juice could be worth the squeeze...
I understand.
I get it, where you're coming from.
How you feel you need to be true to your decisions.
I've been there.
Compassion toward that isn't something you can learn,
But I'm glad to give it.
If it means it will help you in a way.
I'll give it.
And even though it seems like a wasted effort to most...
I'll still consider the squeeze.
Because you appeared like a hidden spider web on my path,
And sometimes...unforeseen things...are meant to be.


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
You drink me
As if...
I am your elixir
To stay sane.

You drink me
As if...
I am about to spill.




*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Nov 2014
Love...
It is made second with the hands,
But it is born first in soul.

Just because you are single,
Not yet sharing a home.
Doesn't mean you are available.
Doesn't mean you are alone.

Because your hand doesn't hold
Another's in the day.
Doesn't mean your heart isn't
Full in the night.

Growth happens without someone.
Growth happens with someone.
Love is there all the time.

I know how my heart loves.
Who my heart leans toward.
God knows my truth
And that's enough.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Dec 2014
When you feel yourself trying to stand out,
Stand back.
Let the breeze rise up to meet you.
Don't go rushing to make wind.
People tend to measure inside themselves,
The amounts of perfect that don't exist.
You are the right amount of enough.
Always.
For the one who loves you.
You...are their second look.
You...are their "just five more minutes".
You...are worthy of their appreciation on an everyday scale.
You are it.


*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
A step
Is missing
In your staircase.
Now
You can't
Climb up
To look down
On me



*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla Apr 2013
If I had two hands
Amongst my own.
Would they be strong enough
To make a home.
Would they give me comfort
Where I feel alone.
If I had two hands
Amongst my own.

If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.
Would they see possibility
To help me grow.
Would they show me beauty
Where I see stone.
If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.

If I had a heart
Amongst my own.
Would it recognize mine
To be its clone.
Would it beat in sync
Where my love is shown.
If I had a heart
Amongst my own.



*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Oct 2012
Your smile will be the ending of me...


*© NDHK
Nik Krutilla May 2013
I would like to see,
How easy you can
Walk in my shoes
With the laces missing...
Then come tell me
How much you like
Tying knots.

*©NDHK
Nik Krutilla Jan 2013
These are the moments
in the still night
I dread.
The overwhelming ones
where you have nothing
better to do than
think.
To remember over and over.
Dig into things you've seen.
Things you've heard.
To helplessly wonder and hope.
Try to lead yourself away from
disappointment.
You run scenarios through
your head.
Imagine conversations that will
never happen.
It leaves you feeling silly.
Knowing you're immersed in
a fantasy.
Even if it annoys you,
that you're lonely enough,
To indulge in these
wandering visions.
It gives a temporary idea.
Of what it would
be like.
If the one you want could be
with you.



*© NDHK
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