A dull ache
A familiar pull
Twisting guts

How many hours spent
With my head in a toilet
Straining till my eyes stream
My heart racing

This is the last time I say
Never again
Racked with guilt
Tears covering my swollen cheeks

Bulimia you say
"The one where you throw up"
Yeah it's just that ... Nothing else

No racing anxiety
Failing mind
Scared to see a reflection

Not caring if that
Little beating ***** continues
Praying for a helping hand

Why
Why
Why

Consumed by thoughts of food
Never allowed to rest
Keep moving
Never stop it says

Nothing is ever
EVER good enough
It tortures your every waking moment

Fat fat fat
It says
Everywhere
Greedy - ugly

Bulimia
"The one where you throw up"
If only that was just it ....

The day you discover

Your greatest fear
Was just a fear
And
Not  a reality...

A hole in the Pitt of my stomach
A churning whirl of Anxiety
A constant need to DO
Do something
To fill that  hole

An overbearing drive
To conform to the norm
My mind a haze of fluttering fear

The wish upon wish
Of being able to rest
Able to lay my tired bones

Scared I will never BE
The person that I never was
The normal balanced pretty soul

Please someone piece me together
All the shattered pieces of my being
A lonely pile of broken thoughts

Will I ever be a whole
Or just a broken mass of cells?

The familiar buzz
Of chatter
The back and forth of stories and life
Comparisons
Knowledge
Experience

Where do I fit
Where is my place on earth
My inner purpose

Question and answers
Constantly analysing the drama
Reflecting on the what ifs

Do we have a slot made for us
Does life give us a ticket

The constant buzz
Where do I fit

I wish
Want
Need
Pray that...

I were brave as my friends
As fearless as my therapist

Have the power on my Consultant
The looks of Helena

A voice within me
Tells me to speak
The hurt that runs  through me
Shuts me up

I pray for intelligence
So so bad
The mind of a airhead
Damaged beyond death

I wish for acceptance
Just run of the mill
Nothing outrageous
Just one of would sure do

Accept who you are
You're not changing for sure
How ever much you try
You'll never prove more

You're in a field
Bursting with yellow
A caressing breeze
A heart so light

You were taken so soon
Our hearts just break

I know you're safe now
Among the yellow

The world has lost you
Yet heaven has gained
A buttercup so precious and unique

Brace yourself
This will be intense
The ride of your life
The biggest of events

Your heart will be broken
Your mind a mess
The rat race will break you
The media are the best

There're drugs to treat this
Legal or not
Grab a handful
Chase with a Gin

Enjoy the best bits
They'll be far and thin
The journey of life
Starts from within...