i'll never let you see
what you've done to me
i'll never let you know
where i'm planning to go
except after i'm gone
you'll all be too late.
to say if i could just have wait.
wait for what?
for me to slice another cut?
then you run, tp say what i have done
for you to feel like you have won.
won the battle between me and my life
with you not even involved
but there i go again
slaying against my wrist is the knife
and sitting there
as i tear
tear off the plastic
uncap the lid
discover whats been hid
a capsule of blue
multiple and brand new
taste the bottle on my lips
not even the razor's nips
could substitute what i will soon endure
a pain free path for sure
but the only way to get there?
step in the puddle of blood
there's no lack of it, it's a flood
a flood of my own
nothing i have ever shown
as the ultimate sacrifice, i just want to say,
maybe there would have been one day
when someone would have finally said
"the things inside your head
are driving insane
and its leading you to a world of pain.
take my hand, and follow my lead
someplace to where you will not need
the use or crave for blades & pills
because my love & caring will end your desire to ****."
but that is all a tale
it is all in my head
that someone will have said
"i will save you."
and now its too late
because i will reach for the razors as my evening date
and later lose my innocence deep into the dark as it is late
my innocence taken by the one and only
multiple swallowed capsules
as i say one last time, "if i wasn't so lonely"
then everyone wouldn't say, 'why?"
and i didnt have to write, "goodbye."

they say

relapse

is a part

of

recovery

but

is it really?

what if

its your body

saying

you

can't

do it.

you

can

do

nothing

but

sit

and watch

as you

hal

lu

cin

ate

places

that seem

so

de

so

late.

when really

you are

clearly

there are

people around

you

but all think

what you need

is a good

shrink.

they say

relapse

is just a part

of

recovery.

or maybe

its really

a reminder

that says

you're

a

nobody.

this

reality

gives

me

insanity.

this

society

gives

me

anxiety.

let it go; its too far gone.
what's it like?
to scream til you strain your throat.
to cry till it hurts so bad you cant even sob.
to cut so much you run out of room.
to bleed so often that you are set into a trance by the red liquid.
to full the aches by downing pill after pill and not knowing which one will end up numbing you so much youre on the brink of death.
to starve and starve and starve and starve, but be disrupted by the conflicted counterpart disorder.
to be hated and not accepted until medicine is introduced to change who you are; to someone that is only liked when medicated.
to wear your memories engraved into your skin.
to watch as one in particular tries to save you, and throw on a smile for their peace of mind.
but know that smile can be a frown in a second, when turned upside down.

Gone.
she smiled.
Gone.
she smiled a lot.
Gone.
but now thats all changed.
she doesnt smile with honesty.
she doesnt laugh with pleasure.
her smile is the same as telling a lie.
and her laugh is the same as feeling pain.
all that she is now,
all that she will ever be
all that she can see is,
Gone.

things are being pulled out of the dark.
things are being uncovered.
maybe i should be confused,
too scared on what to do.
but maybe i already know what i want.
maybe i already know what i want to do,
but all i'm missing is you.
things i've heard and learn
are things that are in my concern.
this isnt something i'd just play.
its something i'd want to stay.
at night i don't bother sleeping.
dawn and daylight just go on creeping.
the things i heard,
every single word;
i questioned and guessed.
leaving all my thoughts
torn and messed.
deep down, i know for sure
thats it's me and not her.
deep down, i can tell
that its you for i fell.
its early, and i dont know it all,
but im just waiting for your call.
if you say no,
i wont be sure where to go,
i wont be sure where to turn
when i know your scars match my burns.
so please say something to me.
all i want to clearly see
is if we could have something
wonderful and free.
all i want to see
is you and me.
reality is harsh and cruel
but search for me and I search for you.
we can finally watch what may be true.
this reality is a curse.
and all i want is nothing worse.
so please find me
stuck by the sea.
and i'll let you in
so we can be certain
all of the things we could do,
and all the things we've been through.
i dont want someone who doesnt know.
someone who i dont have to show,
but only explain and say,
'How and where my demons stay'.
its the space that needs to be cut,
open a door that has always been shut.
open a closed door
and hold my hand
while together we explore.
but only if you find me,
sitting stuck by the sea.
you are something that makes me glad,
in a world that makes me sad.
please tell me all that you think,
that you and i should be linked.
please dont let me go
when i still want to know.
know and see
all and everything
we could be.

mother told me not to be reckless with my heart.
my brother told me not to be foolish with my heart.
my sister told me to not fall for those with deceiving words.
i told myself not to fall for someone with eyes like yours.

but look where we are.
i was reckless;
throwing my heart out to you.
i was foolish;
opening up to let you see all of me.
i fell for your words;
deceiving or not, i still listened.

and here i am.
lying next to you,
with eyes so blue.
i was reckless with my heart,
and you caught it with care.
i was foolish with my heart,
but so were you with what you shared.
i heard all of your words,
all of them so genuine and truthful.
but its your eyes that said,
"i love you. remember that, beautiful."

run fast.
run far.
run past.  
run til you crash.
run til there's pain.
run til it rains.
run away.
run to the sunset.
run into the next day.
run in the dark.
run at night.
dont stop
because of fear and fright.
run til you're lost.
run til you're found.
run til forever.
no matter what,
dont stop running.
never.
just run forever.