It's worse to know
you're imprisoned
and to be aware of the world going on around you-
would rather be ignorant
of others' bliss
than fully conscious
of my self-inflicted unhappiness
and I know that I'm ******
up
out of luck
because if we make our own,
honey I don't have the skill,
can't allow myself freedom
for then
who would stop me?

Swiftly like the night
or some **** like that
he ran
into the dark, like a proverbial Kenyan
he jumped
over trees
and swam
in the dirt
like a beautiful sea creature in murky depths
drank in the worms
all wriggling and fleshy
lunch
to a man by any other name
who wouldn't smell as sweet
he was hideous
like a jack o lantern
thrown off of a roof
of a 50 story ugly-person hotel:
vaccancy if your face has broken a camera lens-
he likes
eating roots and shoots
and tell him otherwise
and he'll chop your limbs off
and his name
I don't know
he's too perfectly abstract for such normalities
we'll just call him
morality

He loves
her hair
finger tips
summer dips
fall skips
missed periods
no love
for that
no love
for unwanted children
parasiting in a belly
unfit for a home
so scared
they were
to tell parents
who would know what they'd say
would they be grounded?
They didn't think
about the child
were selfish
to not tell
were selfish
to keep it
secret
brought it into the world
birthed with silent screams
left for life
maybe
on a door step
no tears
just remorse
and relief
and who could blame
such people
for not wanting
to be responsible?
Not us
for we only want fun
I know I do
want to feel good
to be loved
even if it means
acts of unkindness:
outcomes that mimick
newborn mistakes,
our results are crying infants of moments of selfish pleasure
come to life
only later, the aftermath of a long-since let go desire.

We don't know we're young
which is a shame
because we would take things less seriously
live the lives
that others would want to experience vicariously
we would stop pretending
to have self respect;
we haven't earned it yet,
too busy
trying to impress others
"friends"
when really
they don't care,
just want us
to make the calls
so they don't look out of place-
if we knew we were young
we would embrace every breath
knowing that it is as clear and pure as it will ever be
that it won't get better
our bodies are in their best condition
top knotch
they want to be appreciated by other bodies
and should be
but not when they're too close for comfort
and even then
most of all
learning that we are young
that we are getting old
makes the cringes all the more worthwhile

Well
not so sure I think or feel
but it was a hot day
the kind to make your skin melt
and you want to take it off
so your bones can breathe
but ****** is illegal
in Kalamazoo
so we must be polite
to the locals
eat the bacon fat like good people do
love air like lemonade
bitter and delicious
refreshing in the right circumstances
loving the smoke
so sensual
in and out
controlled and contorted by lips
pillars billowing
cliched
but so **** fine
thick and formless
it disappears
but for a moment
it's yours
theirs
yummy
wrists crack like silly skeletons
jumping around
clowns in the heavens
what are you saying
my dear boy(s)
you think you're in love?
I think you're in
for one hell of a ride
if you're into
cremating your dignity

Mainly
I think it's silly
to walk on the ground
when there's a perfectly good sky
just across the way
and it's floor is softer
thinner
if you fall
you don't collapse
or break
you become
better

hello lovely,
see you
seeing things
trees
air
and what do you think
perceive
what is your analysis
my dear boy
no
you are a man
the type who makes all others ashamed for pretending
to be even an imitation
you limit their ability
by simply being you
and you know
I enjoy it
it's enthralling to know
such a soul
so strong and right
nothing wrong
with being smitten
although it'd be nice
to be smittened on

Muscle groups in the atmosphere
tension
ready for exertion
or maybe a break
snap
ripping cords
would be attatched to rocks
but not now
when all has fallen
but then
all flies
like time
or planes
lies on the air
as it teleports one's body
across the universe
into the conjugal visit that is today
such a catch
this day
so pretty
has a good personality
but is it real?
Nah
can't be
nothing that perfect
is ever natural
but augmented somethings
meant to make all else
quake in its reflection
mirror mirror
why oh why
must the caged bird
breathe?

Don't listen
to any words
that anyone says:
not mine
not theirs
we all lie,
it's a human ailment,
non-truth-telling
and you know what?
We're all diseased
sick with the thing
not wanting to be seen
for what we really are:
afraid
boring
unoriginal
maybe even
down right ugly
so don't listen
my dear
when they say a word
because it's not what you'll hear that matters,
it's inconsequential
it's what you see
what really happens
when lights go out
the curtains close
and the masks come off
it's then
when lines aren't being rehearsed
and the reality of the beast of the heart
seeps through
that you'll know.
You'll know
that I'm unworthy,
that everyone is
that we all ****
and blow
and show off
for no good reason other than selfishness
and I can only hope
that at the end of the day
the performances
when you see all that is
what it really is
you can accept
what I am
and be at peace with a world
that isn't perfect,
not good enough for you
but one that you're patient enough
to continue gracing
with your directions

Lazy
don't want to do a thing
laying around
is too much work
thinking of anything at all-
exhausting.
What to do
when it's so beautiful outside
and so dark inside
and yet
it's so much more rewarding
to attempt to do
nothing at all-
no breathing
no blinking
no existing
no molecules moving
just
nothing

Go away:
I'm trying to ignore you,
be aloof
oh so desirable
and I can't do that
if you see me
seeing you
because who would want
something
so vulnerable?
You would?
Well
in that case
I would rather be
alone
and proud to be in such a state
than to get all worked up
because you may
get silly butterflies
when you are with
another girl.
You know who I am
or at least you think you know
and you like what you think
because it's what you want
and that's me-
not them,
they aren't the same,
they're boring
bad on the outside
good on the inside
but who wants that-
not you
not me
and I don't want you
if you're going to be
so whole
without my approval.

so there
it's all settled
be it and leave it
up to the gods
to decide
the innocent from the guilty
and then
to figure out
what exactly to do
with all that
apathy

believe it
and let it be heard
that all that is here
is not
but a thing in your
bed
take a good look
next time you're out
about
walking down the street
and you see a man
just a man
nothing more
nothing less
and he's standing
nowhere to go
that you know
and he looks
and he is aware
of what you will never be;
he is aware of things
that you can not know
because
they are his things to know
and our things
to not care about
or at least
**** on in our dreams

Where you be
girl
you got sand in your skirt
had a dream that the cat
from that show
slapped me on the back
said "hey girl
I like your style
won't come
and play a while?"
I giggled
it's what I'm good for
what's funny?
All of it
the people
the nothing
the fact that's it's so boring
when there isn't a single thing to do
or person
or place
just nope
but oh well
sing in the sky
like it's 1985
and fall back down
when it's midnight,
curfews are for your own good
like veggies
you like em, you love em, you need em
and then
you leave

Always wanted to
paint the moon
it's lovely
the way it glows
throws shadows
they say so,
its light is beautiful
much better than the sun's
which rules the excitement
the action
and yet
it's much better
to be
under the night light
of stars and silver
who needs gold
when melted breaths
surround you

you want what I want
when I want something you want,
which is me
wanting you-
a little funny paradox
hall of mirrors
with naked bodies
ours
you want
to use me
like a weapon
a tool
to absorb your needs
your problems
and difuse reality
so that for a while
you can feel alright
making me alright
but it's not alright
it's very wrong
and for some reason
I think it's alright

Never complains
do you
you bird of a feather
jesus incarnate
you so sweet and perfect
like a little lamb
chewing on cud
loving life like
a kite in the sky
so high
bit fragile
don't you think,
made of paper
was once a giant oak tree
tall and strong
sturdy
reduced to paste
liquid
put through rollers
dyed
now flimsy
enough to fly
enough to rip
at the very mention
of wind

Ifs and ifs
and I know what I want
but how
to find
it
him
without things
getting weird?

Said he couldn't take advantage
because his BAC wasn't quite as sky high
respectable
a gentleman I presume
assume
he doesn't care today
one way or the other
how things turned out
or didn't
can't blame him;
many people in the world,
each is just one more
holding them back from the others.

well well well
what do we have
there
and around this bend
over-exertion
extending into
what I like to call
reality
of some kind
not so kind
or so mean
but a neutral time and place
intermingling in his face
inside of it
so silly right
to imagine being so complete
you know
like there's no holes
at all
just a whole
but complacent
like a lamb
and I shall be
a solvent in veins
scratching at the door
that lets the brightest of the thinkers
into the dark.

Creamy and warm
your thoughts
like a swirl of make believe beauty
I wonder
do I fit into the equation?
That perfection of neural impulses
your mind
do I meet the requirements
to swim in your stream of consciousness
convulse to your heartbeat
love you
like you were
greater than yet equal to
me?
I wish I could answer for you
say "yes"
with more certainty on my lips
than moments I have spent
thinking, longing
for your reciprocated desire
not merely physical,
though that would be nice too,
but for your desire to know me
like you know of your own existence
and to continue wanting that knowledge
once it has been realized-
every day
every second
more and more
until we get love- filled aneurysms
slow and steady
becoming nothing
together.

well sponoza
what would you make of this?
granted
success is never guaranteed
but I think I deserve
some sort of prize
I tried, after all.
Maybe
trying harder
and relenquishing
everything
will bring about
more desirable results.
So what?
Lose control?
Could be interesting
or detrimental,
both
most likely,
need to indulge
in hedonism
or else
well, ****.

Shroomers
silly goons
why are they around-
sketchy friends to have
these foes
smoking out in public
not a care
he carries switchblades
openly cries
makes all uncomfortable
but he sells the stuff
right?
They're nice
to his face
and he's nice
to all he meets
but deep down
all can tell
this guy is trouble:
either we'll get in jail
or he'll get killed.
Inevitable
poor guy
so sweet,
who's to believe
his stories
been through hell
maybe
or maybe he's an actor
a pastor
wanting followers
ending up
alone
because none want to be associated
with one so
wrong.

Pop it
like a weasel
can it rain in here
it's dark enough
hot enough
energized enough
it could storm
feel it
in the air
like molasses
kissing *****
mine is pretty sweet
thanks for noticing
sorry if you think
I'm a tease
my body and my conscience
want very different things-
which do you think is right?
Oh you don't care
do you
guess it's safer that way
I don't want to care either
I want to never think
just feel
but only if it's good
and only if we never speak again
or else
you must respect the hell out of me
or else
what a hypocrite I'd
am
be.

it's a hard knocked life
for a bus
rolling down the highway
which way
go left go left
stop!
don't know why i'm here
anywhere
and it doesn't matter
really
but it gets you down
when your existence is brought into question
like why?
and more importantly
how
can you make it feel
not so empty?

knights and *** holes-
engineers of our days
they are stupored little trains
can we get a round of applause
for all the little boys and girls
still brushing their teeth and bike chains
licking up snow from dumpsters
getting high on imagination-
that's what they're calling it these days-
my grandma once said
if it burns in the summer
it'll cry in the winter.
maybe she meant me.

Got the shingles
the shakes
the quakes
and not in good ways
just old days
no pay, can't afford
to miss it
must do it all
and fast
before it's gone
I'm gone
nothing but a memory
that all else will forget
but have to be happy
yes
must do it all
jump from every cliff
scream every note
of every song
then make some up
and make some out
and make some love
and paint bodies colors that are too perfect for skin
too analogous
mix them all up
melt them
any way possible
must be quick
run
run until the molecules that make the body
fall apart from exhaustion
dissipate
become a part of the universe;
they will be dispersed
and each atom
each fiber
each silk string of theoretical maybeness
will know what has been done,
can tell an infinite number of stories
and they will each
be moments in time
replayed for the pleasure
of only me.

perpetuated indifference
freedom and fleas
cats in the trees
loving the grass and twigs
between my knees
and toes
and fragments
in my hair
my clothes
and on a day such as forever
I spoke to another
terribly,
not so good at words
with others
who say words back,
pretty little polka dotted
circles and nonsense
like who are you kidding?
Individuality is not a crime
though faking it is,
as if being unique is even unique
but another copy
of another
a thought already thought
shush up
kiss like a real person
not a slobbery
monstrous
adolescent,
but like a man who knows
or at least cares,
but not about the earth crusts on my skin
or the air in my finger nails
it's all me
and if they can't like it
can't love it
in any way
that can be considered love
or positive
in any form or shape or sound or purpose
then forget
to forget
because sometimes
one is ****** up
and enjoys
a little game
of brain bashing insecurity,
until that day when one becomes self-actualized
(oh please)
and then real forget and freedom may happen.
How boring.

So
you're a bad idea
in all ways
and it's true
I play a part
somewhat to blame
but let's just forget about that for a sec
because I want to remain
the good girl
innocent and pure of heart
all intentions correct
and yet
I want to be the bad one
that parents tell their kids
to avoid-
breathing the same air
will result in immediate need
of exercision-
I want your respect,
for you to be a gentleman
but maybe
I just think you're cute.

used to be so sweet
and shy
that one time
but i guess he was misleading
now an aggressive werewolf
wanting what he wants
unfairly
and it's scary
but i like it

Got a problem?
I can make thousands
millions
all up in the ceiling
mosaic tiles
blue and gold
holding down the albums
memories so soft and sweet
buttercream to wisdom teeth
picking out the files with an ax
and you can ask
any fella on the street
what he thinks
he'll say he doesn't,
we're honest by nature
nomenclature
soggy,
**** sapiens forever
loving bones and gorillas
never feel ya
quite the same
as that time in the attic
with the static
in our brains
it was insane
the way we thought our thoughts
touched touches
with more
would have scored
had it not been for the spiders-
frisky little things
squashed em long ago
and that's why they don't have wings,
unnecessary condition
apparitions to trife
made a foxy wolf lick his chops
take Peggy for a wife.

nevertheless
can't help but remember
what happend that day-
not so fun, huh?
not a proud moment in any of those 24 hours,
just nostalgic
destruction
wanting to go anywhere
to not think about there
here
and now and again
I return to those moments
not to reflect per se
but to induce vomitting-
not so fun
being compared to undesirables,
and yet
so fitting
in a way
or five hundred,
it's you.

it's so rainy
drippity drip
drop
like it's time to read a book
all day
in a day
and drink hot chocolate
and bake warm cookies
getting fat and lathargic
because what else is there to do
when everything is so perfect?

Hey-
what gives you the right
to be so comfortable
with the opposite ***?
How come you can be all flirty with all those ******
and make me feel
so insignificant
when it takes so much out of me
just to have a normal conversation
with such a cool guy?
Sir,
you are the worst
and now I can see
where I stand
in your mind
and I'm not even on your mind
nope
I'm just some dumb girl
not even as cute as all the others
not as ******
not as experienced
so I'm left behind
while you go chat it up
all friendly-like with those bimboes
and I'll be here
like always
angry over something
out of my control.

as bob dylan said:
let freedom ring,
ring like a tree in the fall
crisp and burnt
until cold
echoing on sidewalk
call it a morning of sorts,
the kind where everything feels right
with your soul
and it melts into the physical world
much like descartes may have liked
or contested
but also much like I would like
to do at times,
become a part of everything
not just a something
maintain a sense of identity
within the whole scheme
of all that is,
will be hard
but really
freedom is like water,
necessary and occasionally attainable
if looking in the right places
but impossible to capture
in hands-
too physical
for such needs,
water and freedom,
representative
of a concept so simple
yet not fully understood

i have lots to say
just can't say them
with words
out loud-
they remain in my head,
forever and always,
locked away
never to be heard
by ears
or minds
of those who should
know what happens
when I'm breathing

or at least
those I wish
to care

shun the non-believers,
what time is it anyway?
minty fresh
wind of frebreeze
like it in the ****
icy chills
down yo spine
winter in the mountains
frost bite in places
you didn't know you even
had to go there-
inevitable
to say the least,
I think you're pretty great,
at times,
when you treat me like a princess
and I pretend to be
unaware,
uninterested in being a thing of positivity,
not wanting to be any much of your thoughts,
separate
but really
I want to be there
in your mind
because deep down
I'm selfish like that
I want to control you
but to maintain that status
of superior-
lord forbid
the crashing of humanity
that would occur
were I to be another's-
not part of my genetic makeup,
I don't even wear any-
au naturale-
I'm your kind of girl
and in a way
you're my kind
of destruction of ego

none of that
"oh, you'll be fine"
crap,
give me the truth.
how bad is it-
am I?
would I be
the worst human being
in the sense
that I don't function
like a typical person,
but have some redeeming qualities
that render me
somewhat pitiable
if not
worthy of living
an equal life of opportunity;
I'm not a terrible human being
in the sense
that I wish ill will
on any
or cause chaos
or upset feelings
no
I am just terrible
at being a human being
and so
I live like I do
chasing the cats that nobody else
seems to see
and eating my meals
burned, outside
enjoying the company of crickets
more than
the people inside walls

Greatest hits
never had one
but can't feel so innocent
too guilty
for such pleasures-
call it a fault of sorts
of my own-
never known quite what I want
possibly
because it isn't something to know
but to feel
and said things
are frightening,
no new revelation
at all,
but conflicting thoughts,
negligent feelings;
what do they want?
What do I want?
Do I want the affection
attention
admiration
(as if I deserve them)
or would I truly be happier
left alone
almost bitter,
were there a reason to be,
left to be safe in solitude
never to experience discomfort
never to experience life

no matter how
or who
or whenwherewhy
things happen,
almost naturally
as if time is true
and matter interacts with said time
in such a way
that life exists
and then
it doesn't matter
because
all is
and all
is all
there can be expected
to be

it can be fun
to not not rhyme
or make sense
because anyways
oranges are good for sickness
which I of all people
should know
just in case
it gets too sick out there
and then
with nowhere to turn
you stumble upon
a grove of orange trees

Like is a "strong" word
like like like
but really
it isn't-
it's a weak way
to express
even weaker feelings
and you're even weaker
(like me)
to avoid said feelings,
thinking that they're "bad"
or "wrong"
or "evil,"
because you're "afraid"-
of what?
Of hurt?
Of being proven incorrect,
flawed
of having to have someone
to lean on
to show problems
to trust to accept
fully
ev
er
y
thing that's wrong
with you
?
It is a scary notion,
being left out in the ocean
of feelings felt but never spoken
and further ruined
by one who was believed
to be too worthy
to be safe.

I don't want me to like you
and I don't want you to like me:
however the me's and you's fit
I don't want them to.
At all.
We are not a cute puzzle
with two pieces creating a beautiful scene
no,
we're two people
just people
living
and breathing
but that's about it
because separate we are fine
and will be
always
but together
I would hate you
so much
so yeah
I'm a *****;
but guess what?
Just don't go
liking anyone else.

Macro-indulgence
can I help you
you seem lost,
not helpless
no, you're strong
you can make waves of clouds
wear any being out
of time
just want to help you
you know,
just want to make things better
so that my things
won't seem so bad

Who is you
that boy
that thing
what is his thoughts
who are his voices
why is he thinking
not of me
or improperly so
so
what to do
about being too odd
too even
never right
left out
of his mind
I think
therefore, I go insane
just want to know
if the feelings are positive
or at the very least
not related to disgust

Quad-
relatteral
interspatial
species
journey to the center of
the quaking
in my tummy
rumbly
glass faces
melt to goo
milky substances
ethers in space
love this time of the year

you're one of them:
the nonsensical
theorhetical
beauty
if such a concept
should even be entertained in a mind
a soul
if I have one
I want to meet it
shake it's cloudy hand,
take it for tea-
we don't like coffee
but philosophy,
shoot
we get drunk until we're dizzy
falling
in love with notions
powerful potions
love and love and love
leave me alone
I don't need it
from you
just stay where you lay
keep your thoughts neutral
leaving your vicinity
is safer and kinder
than saying no
to your flea-bitten face

two tales
of three cities
identical
expect that
one was made of straw
tall
he has eyes like nothing
nothing at all
not even extraordinary
actually
very ordinary
so unappealing
but really
****

Perhaps
perchance
they think I'm a ******
a ****
a tease
a nerd
too quiet
too annoying
flat-out
intolerable
maybe
they find all others who exist
to be more enjoyable
better fit
to be human
and maybe
it's just nothing
that doesn't matter
but still does
because
it's difficult to think clearly
when the self is self-lonely

Can you say
supercalifragilisticexpealodocious
on one leg
eyes closed
un-clothed
lick your tongue
on the run
from the other
the one and only
demon of the dark
none shall pass
lest it won't last
beats apon feets
wringing out sheets
paper crowns, tin foil gowns
hate this part
the after math
never so simple
when one plus one
equals
nothing at all
but memories
not even good ones
hurts to the pride
take it in stride
those who will won't be bothered
and those who
can't take a punch
are suckers til the end