it's hard to say exactly
what it is to get your heart broken-
three times, to be exact
by the same person-
difficult to discern why it is
you keep going back
but maybe it's simple:
you love them
you miss the way your life was with them,
so why was it so easy for them to cut and run?
they say "I still love you"
"I wish we could be together"
so why can't we?
long distance *****
but do you know what ***** more?
living without your other half.

I think I think of things
in a way that alters not their reality
but my own true ways of being happy around them.
I think that I think
so much
that the world around me warps into a nightmare
filled with people
the dreaded people
making me interact
talk
have feelings
my thoughts make them monsters
who want either to hurt me
or wish that I would disappear altogether
but mostly
I think my thoughts can be tamed
with a little courage from my cowardly lion soul
I can be
dare I say it
content

so I'm back on it
probably for the best-
hard to know how soon is too soon
not soon enough
the brain is a delicate creature
never was one for chemistry,
but I digress
it's worth a million nights of restlessness
loss of libido
a whole new mind
for the moments of not feeling quite so afraid

I would be woven into your sheets
a necessary fixture in the framework of your box spring
tangled in a mess of us
we would pass our moments sharing a breath
a shudder
the most aggressive acts of tenderness
we use words and lips and hands and ourselves
to perform otherworldly kinds of magic
the kinds that make you laugh and cry and scream with joy
we'll kiss till our mouths become blurred,
impossible to tell whose belong to which half of us
all the same
loving until
the barrier between individuals has been demolished for certain
and certainly, we won't mind
be a relief
caved in, paved in
until one last moment of clarity
and the city of which we had worked so hard to build
has come crashing down in one last passionate upheaval

cool to think
that tomorrow is another day
(if you're lucky)
and then another may follow, God willing,
(or whoever)
and that tomorrow may be wonderful
can be
will be, even if terrible
it's funny
all of it
the awful and the awesome
and tomorrow can be anything;
could be the beginning of a new everything,
the end of it all
always an adventure-
can see each person as the most unique creature on earth,
each leaf as the most beautiful,
trip to the grocery becomes a story worth remembering-
can make life worth it, if you want
and to want such a thing, well
even all would say that can't be but so selfish

life right
it's pretty crazy,
the kind of thing you can't make up even in your deepest of strangest of secret imaginations
it's like you want it to just stop, all slow down
and yet you can't help but feel curious,
wonder what's around the next turn of events,
oops you're unemployed
well guess what your car just broke down,
convenient, in a way
in others just perfect
karma has a funny way of playing little pranks on the innocent,
it's the unsuspecting who need to watch their backs
all the crooks have it figured out
***** the system hard enough in all the right places
never have to spend an unwanted dime a day in your alivlihood
life is like an absurd dark comedy
where just when you think the depressed young old soul has found their way
they are struck with a bus
on their birthday
while getting a phone call from a lost love
life is just beautiful
because in all that it seems to find our flaws and shove them in our faces
it has a way of teaching us
how to become better

so him right?
too perfect for anyone's good
even in his "flaws"
I see more glory than the most tearful of gorgeous moments
could bring the most dreadful of ******* to their knees
including myself-
a heartless *****
I suppose
but not so much with him,
no
with him
I am the most feeble of all human-like things,
honored to be vulnerable before him
and it's a shame
but it isn't
it's a blessing to be even considered a maybe something in his mind
let alone a one and only
and every day since the second that we met
I wake up a little bit better
more of what one should be
because I know that he Is
and knowing that he approves of me
is more important
than any pointless thought, any reluctance
a former me may have ever been silly enough to believe.