Passion  hot like fire
Life is the razors edge and the dance to keep it
skin close beyond skin
Into blood and flesh and red inside
rivulets in streams down my face and the curves of my *******
your eyes don't translate
and I scream, I cry
you don't hear me darling
my love my beautiful fantasy made flesh
killer of dreams when your eyes
turn away from me
because I ******* swear a moment ago we were somewhere else
life wasn't ****** over and things shined from the inside
strings cut dead puppets slump and dangle into space and its
the close of my fingers over nothing in the dark
it's the nothing
it's the void
it's the screams and the hatred and the blindness reflected
in your eyes once so green now bruised up from the inside
from the dead side and the rip tide
I want to drown myself at sea
because the waves never stop crashing and they never let me down but to drag me
deep down into the cold that I can feel as vivid as the fire
the fire I felt in you once felt but you don't feel it now
you never ******* did, did you?
was it ever real?
I built a world around me and I let you in, didn't I?
Play a leading role in the cabaret, dance and make the world ok
because everything is fighting with itself and threes nothing I can do
so yes
pretend
toss me in the waves
let the rocks hit me and drown away the screams of the voices in my head with the roar of the titans in the current of the sea
for never can I find what was never going to be
never again can I believe in that dammed spark I saw in you
I saw that spark die and when you looked at me there was nothing but sorrow
and over the vibrant forest I once envisioned in your depths and the sheltering dreams I once cultivated
into canopies and rich jungles
there have grown not just clouds, but death
and the death is grey and it suffocates me through the memory
of seeing it when you stood in the doorway of my room
and I gave you back your things because they made me cry
so as not to let you see me cry I slammed the door.
But my love my darling, my aching heart and soul
would that you could feel
feel me as you once did in the dark of the night when there was trust in between us and nothing else
bare skin on the sheets and Goosebumps in the dark
I knew your every outline
every whisper in the dark
I want to scream
and howl
and cry
and shake with the fury of the fundamental brokenness of the ****** up world
because I let you in
I let you seem my diamonds in the dew drops, my sparkling canopies through verdant leaves and the warm flutter of a heart beating through the night as it runs and its soft and beautiful and hard and terrifying
and yet it became so broken
smash it with a baseball bat
me and you and we stumbled around through the dark
and we said things we didn't mean
and we let the whispers of other people change what we thought to say
those who never went where we were
and I don't know what happened
it was like that one surprisingly quick and painful moment when everything goes to hell in a blink
I open my eyes
and I'm left wondering how it all got ****** so fast
like a car crash
and waking up after in the emergency room
and darling I still do love you
I could say it still from the depths of my lungs
and scrape it out with a spoon like the pumpkins on Halloween and choke it up with the pain
But you can't because you left me
And I broke my promise never to give up on you
I told myself I was a fool
and that ******* someone cant mean that much if you could break me so
My darling;
you broke my world when you said goodbye
and I don't need you, or need you to need me
But I miss the feeling of seeing your smile, and hearing your particular laugh
I catch myself wanting to share things with you
I miss your eyes and perhaps I am a fool
but I could swear I once saw them as an oasis
I miss the way you smell
and they way we had our inside jokes and
most of all
I miss the dreams we never got
and I sit and cry
wracked, red raw, broken and completely illogical
curved spine in the shower face down
and the water plinks off my shoulder blades
fingertips on the still cool tiles
I shake with the sobs I can't drown
I mourn you
But darling it's not your fault for making me cry
it's not your fault
It's my fault
Because I never could forgive you
And I never could trust you to love me
Not after the first time you left
But I loved you anyways and I was so selfish
I would not accept the love you gave me back
so now I am once more alone
and I cry because I failed you
I failed myself
And that is the truth
My darling, my heart, my everything..
my nothing at all anymore.
Without you my skies are less blue.
I'm so sorry.
At least you'll probably never know my pain.

Will some one please
Reach into my chest and
fill the empty space with hands
I'm so tired of feeling the gap
the disconnect on the phone line
the closed door
the bruised body
the gut wrenching sobs and you look away
I'm so tired of the scars that line the insides of my mouth
and crisscross my hands
that stretch when I try to speak
I don't want to want you to suffer like me
but I do
Will someone please catch me
I'm so tired of falling
failing
and I don't want to fight anymore

How can fear be conquered?
I am scared
terrified to dance, sing, write, run, and create
I'm afraid to love
because in the massive shadow of the world I know the colors fade
Tangerine sunsets dry and tasteless when they pay by the hour
gentle hands flinch at the shouts
terror of strangers in the black, of mistakes, of pain and suffering
with such hate
hard hands hate faces lips curled
where does it all come from?
empty rage thirsting to be filled
How can I be in the midst of such insanity?
What if they see me
what if they find my soul while searching my eyes
catch the pools of aquamarine inside
strangle them into nothing but wet paint and a clock on the wall
red rivers down porcelain skin

How can it be a sin to be what you are?

Midnight train through the foggy night
condensation on the windows drips down blue outlines
muted shapes of cities pass by
windowsills, rain gutters, empty churches
the mist as waves on an ocean only we could see
and the tracks sailing over ghostly surf
She was looking out ahead and the radiance from the street lights caressed her cheek
rhythmically
pause, brush of warmth, pause, then again
casting shadows over lips that curved as if to whisper
roses
into eyes that see a dream
which momentarily lit up green
and then shadow
then green
she was walking out the door
feet that barely touch the ground
like a dancer
like nothing I could ever touch
In a black jacket and blue jeans

So I watched the dolphins jumping in the bow wave..
And there was no other way to say at it, they were playing
There is no reason to spend the energy needed to swim faster than our boat, or jump above the waves
But they do it
Creatures of the surf and current, but they must feel the same joy
What else could inspire them so? We're not so different.
Our brains have similar structures
All of us are ghosts in our shells, or are our shells what gave rise to the ghosts?
Are we even that much?
Mechanisms driven by chemical, physical, and electrical reactions
Life as an equation, playing out its course on a vast scale
Cells multiply and divide according to fluid mechanics at the earliest stages in development
They arrange themselves as dictated by protein sequences forming
Bodies which are microcosms, ecosystems within ecosystems
See the tortoise with the world atop its back
We are wind dancers on the beach  
Wave swimmers of the sea
Sun takers of the earth
See the earth as a cell
Alive and pulsing at the fringes and from within
Time unfurls before us as the night sky
And we are driven by the forces around us to exist
to fall, break, feel, let go, run through the rain and... be
Laughter, art, math, music, dance, and everything else are ways of making life more bearable
Ways of playing with the world, arranging shapes and sounds and ideas into interesting new patterns
Dancing in the bow wave
But what are we really playing at, and why?
I think we play at being infinite
and infinity plays at being us

Witness all the little things in life I can't seem to find..
I asked for your story because I wanted to feel your pain
to understand
So I found you, there in your post apocalyptic paradise
As you wrote the words to me slowly shedding light on the nature of your place
Lost between the words whispered from the lips of your so called dream..
Your puzzle to me summed up in the sentence
I'm not her
Its too late to ask you out with a stegosaurus card
My mom wont make you spaghetti
I don't have a soccer team you can guest play on, I cant meet you at a picnic
Compared to what you had I'm a shadow
And thats all you'll ever let me be
And I thought I could hear it, the nature of your inability to care for me...
but now it sits on my shoulder
Sometimes shifting its talons
I cry because you don't see me
And all the things I have done for you seem like nothing when I look at them through your eyes
But they were everything to me
each little offering offering of affection given to make you smile
every endeavor to make you happy
turned back and given to me as thorns
but you don't care
you are very sorry you say, but you just don't care
you can't
and the worst part is I understand now..
I can see how she's better in every way
except for that she left you all alone
So I can't fix you, I can't patch up the pieces she tore out on her way out the door
I can talk to you, I can be there, but
I can't make you see her any other way
I'm just nothing to you.. after all this time
You'll never talk about me like I'm a goddess.. you'll never look at me that way
and it hurts

Why can't you look at me that way..
where the rest of the world just stops
the way where your lips just curve up a bit to see me

Day dream days, nothing seems real or substantial
just haze, cars on the highways
I'll say nothing so as not to string myself along
I'll mean nothing to anyone so as not to matter when I'm gone

Internal torment, brief tornadoes of emotion
fragments of thought and memory
what if I was somewhere else

all I ever wanted was to belong somewhere right
there are no right places for me
no arms that can hold without becoming prisons

No soul I can love without being burned by

Outstretched hand, fingers like broken glass
cut free what I want to keep by holding it closer
and slice then into me instead

Is it too much to ask for, to hope for..
my dreams impossible harbors
they seem so simple
in the space between sleep and waking

At the picnic table
the sunshine makes everything perfectly warm
solar powered lit from within
I just want to be held, and I am
its real in the moment but not when I open my eyes

I'm just cold, and you haven't called. You are never going to show up at my door and ask for me..