They told me that I was difficult to love
I need someone to say "you have suffered enough" to me
Tell me to turn myself around
Tell me that life has been terrible to me and that I have a choice and a right to make things better
The suffering I've endured is surreal
Simply because at every prior moment to suffering
I thought it couldn't  get any worse
but it does get worse
and it eats away at me
mentally and physically
I am suffering
my head feels like its been pounded against a concrete wall
my eyes can't focus on a single object
my stomach turns because I'm starving and too stressed to eat
I wake up and all I see is fog because my glasses can't be found and my mind's too tired
I become lost in my suffering
lost in my life
scathing acquaintances and hating authority
blaming every ounce of pain on unfortunate circumstances
self victimization
it's disgusting
pain is relative but this is too much
still I step through the darkness
and tipie-toe my way into anything lit
there's nothing there for me
When I say "someone"
it used to mean him
now it means anyone
tell me to turn myself around  because I need to rise up above the morning fog
they told me that I was difficult to love
prove them wrong, someone
anyone

What I'm feeling, will remain unrequited
My feelings still run through my veins and arteries
But this love has not been reciprocated
I don't get what I give, even though I deserve to
This feeling is empty, this feeling is a glass half empty...
a glass half full...
The hope still exists, but to a certain extent, it's hopeless
I will continue to feel the way I do
I don't like being alone in this messy room
I rather be in the comfort of his presence
So when the comfort disappears, my sanity does as well
And that causes this clarity, this sadness, this plethora of thoughts
How can this love be unrequited,
If I feel this genuine state of togetherness, how is it possible that he doesn't as well
One way streets and windy roads meet eventually
Do I hold on to the notion of "eventually"?
Or do I let go of what I want the most?

Can I borrow?
May I have?
Do you have?
Can you...?
STOP
TAKING
WITHOUT
GIVING
We are not friends, nor do we communicate, so leave me alone...

I'm all alone. And it's not because I've pushed people away, because I have made it a goal to bring people closer. But my sister and mother will drive away and not invite me to be with them because I am too mean. I'm too selfish and delusional, and psychotic to participate in normal human interaction...or at least that's what they've told me. "Go complain to your therapist." "You're stupid." "You're ungrateful." I've heard it all. And this low is so ******* low, that I don't know if I'll ever go back up. My mom told me to lock the door behind me. I didn't. I didn't lock it because I don't care if a ****** or murderer walks in. Let them hurt me, it's hard to believe that I could be in more pain than I'm in right now. But that's stupid, because each day that I live proves that further pain does exist. No one want me. No one wants to be with me. I want to escape into bottles of alcohol and **** and pills, but I can't, because my ***** of a mother drug tests me. I can't begin to explain how ****** up I am. I can't begin to explain the everlasting agony that burn in my heart. My family, they're gone. I'm nothing to them. And I thought that there was one person worth living for, because I'm in complete and total love. But the love is unrequited, unreciprocated, and empty. So what more is there? How much harder can I try? I can't.

Your standards of morality are so rigid and so orthodox that they're immoral
Because in the end, nothing matters
No one is being hurt
Right and wrong don't matter at the point where they have no impact
I need to live and breathe rather than think profusely and be condemned for my every action
Because everything I do is flawed in your mind
And I don't know what to do anymore
Because we'll never see eye to eye
And my rationale is "wrong" in your mind
And your views are obscene and impossible
Let me live a life where I can act like a child without being imprisoned
Because I am imprisoned by my thoughts
The thoughts that are seen as ridiculous
And you can continue to think of be
as an irrational
self consumed
psychotic
suicidal
thoughtless
cold
human being who cares about nothing but myself

Once my hopes were shattered,
my expectations disappeared...

I can't be patient for any longer because I've been waiting for too long
Everything I've ever done feels worthless and like a disaster
I don't know who will love me when things get bad
Because things are bad
And the people that I need the most are too far away or too consumed to notice
To notice that I'm drowning in a sea of misery and paranoia
My breaths have become shorter and my pupils are dilated
I gaze into other people's eyes and I see nothing
A long time ago, I made a conscious decision to see nothing
And now I'm blind
But with blindness comes increase sensitivity of my other senses
So now my tears fall down my face and they feel like acid on my skin
Every whisper falls into...
This isn't living
This isn't life
Because life happens and this is something else
This is bigger than me
This is something that will still hover over my head when I wake up
And it will haunt me till I go to sleep
The worst part is that I don't know how to effectively cope
With everything life has bestowed upon me
So I'm left on the curb
Staring at a finish line
And I'm paralyzed
I'm alone with the thoughts and the voices that brought me to this state of recklessness
This state of unrevealed truth and blanketed wounds
My feelings aren't gone because I chose to share them
Shared they were, but only two people recognized the cry for help
I was transparent and found
But we're all too lost
And I'm too broken to win another battle
Weight is on my chest and I'm bitter over someone
I have been in a dark place for so long, that I've forgotten what light looks like
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and never stop crying
I don't think I'll ever stop crying
These droplets will forever fall from my grayish irises onto pavement and rocks and nothingness
Pain doesn't go away
Pain becomes me
I am tired and I cannot sleep and I'm afraid of what the future holds
Because at moments like this
I question the existence of a future
"I drank coffee, and read old books, and waited for the year to end"
But I've been doing that for 6 years, and I'm tired
So I need to be held and helped by someone or something
I need to remember what sweetness tastes like
And I need to piece together this puzzle called life
There are no leaves on the trees
Don't mistake it for fall
Because the leaves were never there
I need to be closer to love than I am right now
To love that is requited
The love that I've felt before
The love that is sweaty palms and mumbled giggles
Rhapsodies of savior
Someone,save me
Help me save myself

you're a raging ****
who takes my ****
not only my physical stuff,
like clothing and books
...oh wait, you don't read
but you take my friends
and my partner
and my identify
I found myself a long time ago
I made a name for myself,
well before anyone knew who you were
That music that you're blasting right now,
was literally extracted from my computer with your USB
...buy your own clothing
...find your own music
....find yourself, because this is identity theft
And then, you paint your room
the same color as mine
this may seem trivial,
but it's sick if you think about it
don't tell me to take my meds when you're mad at me
don't claim I'm a ***** without a warrant
leave me alone
just...stop

Looking at you is like looking at a marvelous building
a skyscraper, glassy windows and no clue as to what's inside
your words cut me sharper than any knife I've ever seen
you get angry and take it out on me,
say things like
don't ever talk to me again
you're a stupid *****
...yet I'm still here
the words hurt because they have value
I believe what you say because you're my escape
so when I hear the meanness...
it feels like my every insecurity is being reinforced
being around you doesn't make me nervous
- it makes me alert
- present
- emotional
- emotionless
I never know what I'll feel because you're so unpredictable in your ways
your entry into my life changed me
it changed my perceptions of people and culture and the future
and you nailed your thoughts in so deep
that even when you're not here
your opinions are
knowing that you've suffered only makes me suffer
it makes me weaker and it makes my sympathize with silly nothing when I should be focusing on my own problematic existence
you make my days revolve around 96th street, figuratively, that is...or not
you're motivation and anticipation and hope
you're every adjective in my vocabulary and that's disgusting because now I look like one of "those" people
dreaming of you leaves me restless rather than rested
and everything we have in common
sparks either a "*******" or "love you"
never "love"
I'm afraid someone may take my place because I regard you highly
and you know that
I don't know the same
you're too old to be the way you are
and we're both too old to do this again
"this" being "us" or...
you hurt me, all the time
be my friend if you cant love me because I need to be unfolded and wrapped up
I've done all the warming and holding and now I'm lost
so help me find myself
you've done it without knowing it before...
so be with me again
so that I can be strong and in your room
where we can talk about the future
forever...

More time spent on you
precious time with my best friend
$PENT on YOU
You horribly perfect being
What am I saying?
I love you more than I ever thought someone could love another human being
I want to stargaze with you and eat donuts late at night
I want to be in your bed and cuddle for days
BECAUSE WE CAN
You've controlled me for so long now
Does your power over me make you love me less?
Has my unconditional affection somehow deterred you?

Please
Tell me what I can do

People tell me that together we're ridiculous and that it's sick
But we both know sick
and this isn't sick

This is right

__________________­_________

I dont know how to put my love for you any other way besides this poem
because right now you're probably ******* to pictures of her as I sit here wondering if I'll ever touch you again

Please see me
recognize me
love me








LOVE ME

I know that its hard for you because you've been through so much
but right now you seem to be the solution to all of my problems
and the remedy to my distress
dont love me less than you love her because I AM HERE for you
and I am RIGHT

LOVE ME

Love me half as much as I love you

I see the suffering in your eyes
the happiness in your smile

Im confused beyond confusion and the only thing blurring my thoughts is you

Send me a message
-verbal
-physical

ANYTHING

any form of "I want to be with you" will do
because I WANT TO BE WITH YOU
despite the inconveniences and unpleasantries you may cause me

Love me

He asked me if I looked at him differently
If our being together had transformed my image of him
I couldn't respond
Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know the answer
Had hazy nights fogged memories prior to "us"
Even if those nights fogged memories of us, I wouldn't want to remember
He asked me if I looked at him differently
Before he was another head in the hallway
Another peek in the door creak
Another this or that
It isn't about him being different
It's me
Noticing all of the imperfections and perfections that he always had
As I hear the wind rush, I feel pathetic for thinking of him rather than myself
There are periods of darkness when it's me alone with my thoughts
But my thoughts
Are consistent of him
I don't look at him differently, I see him differently
I see the black holes in his pupils, kaleidoscopic thoughts and sentences and ideas
I see greatness in his walk, as if it's down a busy street
I see his face, soft, the kind of soft that makes you want to crawl into yourself forever
I see the pain in his eyes
Before it was mere darkness and yes, I look at him differently
Because the darkness has meaning
It means that words perceived as malicious were merely words reflective of
"I don't care"s and "You'l never understand"s
And I don't
He asked me if I look at him differently
How could I not?
Now I know what's beneath everything he wears
The smirk on his face, the raising of his eyebrows, his shirt...
I do look at him differently because he is no longer "someone"
He is HIM
He is my thoughts and my ideas and excuse the melodrama, but he is everything
And on days when I don't see him
There are no ideas
There are no thoughts
If I weren't to look at him differently
I wouldn't know what late night drives along the ocean would mean
I wouldn't know what feeling wholesome felt like
I wouldn't know what I want
He asked me if I looked at him differently
And today he asked again
Except today it was teasing and condescending
I'll always look at him differently

Knowing that I'm not the only one
hurts more than a gun shot wound
seeing you hug her
only reminds me of all the times
you didn't hug me

I see her face
and it makes me sick to my stomach
I see her and I have to walk out and drive away
because it's impossible for me to believe that
the memories you're building with her
are greater than the memories you have of me

can you remember all the times we glared into each other's eyes?
how about the prolonged kisses?
the late night conversations?
anything?

Or do you have all of that with her too?

If you do
I'm heartbroken and livid and confused

Because wholistically speaking
I'm far greater than her

For I have a brain
tangible thoughts
the ability to speak to your family

I put effort into you
in hope that one day it would pay off

but right now

I'm just an idiot

Feeling like an estranged wife
watching the other woman and her husband together
at a party of a friend that we once shared while together

Want me back
get me back
earn me back

because

I want you
I need you
I love you

There's a girl who's in denial
She doesn't know the truth
And doesn't seek to
There's a girl who dreams of cobblestone driveways
And freshly cut sunflowers in a cylindrical vase
She sees not love but reason to love
There's a girl who wants to share her existence with something bigger than herself
She lives by literature and swears by music
And wants the world in her palms, but only upon her own doing
There's a girl who dreams of someone
She can't identify him or his existence
Yet craves him every day
There's a girl who gave herself away
She regrets it everyday
But knows that he formed her
There's a girl who's broken hearted
A girl who deserves the world
Rather than shards of glass and tombstones
But this girl knows
That life is consistent of glass and tombstones
But cobblestone and sunflowers and love too

I thought I could forget
But I can't
You're engrained into my every thought
My every motion
I thought I could forget our silly beginning and our abrupt ending
But all I can think about is what we could have been
To think that I spent time thinking about someone else
While you wanted nothing more than me
Is to validate my stupidity
There's nothing like us
There are no two people who understand each other without words
I need you
I think I love you
And I hope it's not too late

Exactly 53 weeks ago
There was a new spark in my life
Representative of growing up and feeling something
And for so long
I stressed about him and me
What we could possibly mean
So for all that time
There was something
And I thought it was keeping me going
Because I though I needed someone to be happy
In retrospect, he's still the person I saw
But now I see the flaws
And I've recognized my delusion
He acted as a distraction from my life
But then my life encompassed him
It hurts to read my prior poems and know it was all him
I don't need a distraction anymore
And he never needed me
It feels like the end of an era
An era I thought would never end
However, somehow I'm content with this ending
Maybe it's not final
It would be better if it wasn't
If I've learned anything
I've learned what to do
And I've learned what not to do
So the next time someone comes around
I won't make the same mistakes
And I will have the ability to have a sense of control
Before today, I needed to be controlled
There was so much wrong with everything about us
I thought it was right because my fear of being alone was greater than you
So now I sit alone
Wondering what will come next
And I hope it's wonderful
Because being with him
Taught me that I am wonderful
And I deserve wonderful
It hurts to know that I thought of him as something greater than what he really was
Now I know
I know that I can be wanted and I can be free
And if I follow my plan
I will be
It's the end of an era
An era that was bittersweet
Listening to folk music and reading reminds me that there are greater things in life
And it's time to channel my ability into something great
I don't know if this era will have a comeback
Maybe not
If this era has taught me anything
It has taught me that
I will be ok

I thought guilt was the most unsettling emotion
Saturated in all of my wrongdoings
Crying because there was no way to mitigate my mistakes

But I was wrong in every sense of the word

A clear conscious and 100 enemies is worse than being guilty
Because right now, I know that I did nothing wrong
I am the victim of malice and injustice

Not even fighting the cruelty bestowed upon me

I came forward because they tell me truth outweighs everything
They were wrong
I'm alone with my thoughts
Independent of my best friend and other friend

All because I made an effort to preserve one's life that I couldn't give a **** about

She hurt me
She made false allegations and nasty rumors
She was the one who deserves to be punished by the world

All I did was tell a higher authority that she was insane
And with an investigation comes evidence
So I provided the evidence that I'm morally obligated to give
And it ****** me over

Because the evidence was contingent on a friendship
The evidence was about two of us
Not one

I don't care how many times they tell me I was right
Because it feels wrong
I'm all alone
And I did nothing wrong

Stop it with the temper tantrums and "poor me"s
Stop victimizing yourself because you are the one hurting yourself
Mistakes are understandable and two-time mistakes are fine
But Jesus ******* Christ
You do this all the time
It's stupid and irrational and self destructive
It hurts me to see you in pain but I have pains of my own
Pains that aren't controllable
I.e. A parent with cancer
Yet your pain stems from the continual decision to smoke **** and get too high
You say you're embarrassed and you should be
You can't control the sad environment around you
But  you can control how you respond to it
So stop responding this way because we're all fed up with the *******
You need help -- Literally
You need a therapist and a psychiatrist
Hell! If I had a prescription pad, I'd put you on a high dose of prozac
And sort out those daddy issues of yours
You are a genuinely good, kind person
But your life is going nowhere because you're too caught up in your cruel past
I hate to say this, but get over it
Because things will not fall into place unless you make an effort to fix your disposition

I've always said that I don't need perfection
I need affection
Someone needs to invalidate my insecurities
They sting me and I hide them deep beneath skin
So deep that no one can seek them or sense them or touch them
I often ask myself why I don't have an official companion
A person who can love me and give me affection and make me happy
It sounds stupid because a lover doesn't make one happy
But I feel like I've crossed out every other thing on the list
Introspection?
They tell me I need to understand what and why and how
However the mere fact that I have thousands of words depicting my every emotion
Should mitigate this false sense of intelligence that a therapist has
I don't need someone to bring me flowers
Or chocolates or stuffed animals
I don't need to be given the world because I can get that on my own
But I do need someone to hug me and kiss me the way you do...when we're alone
And then I need that same person to be able to effectively communicate with me
I need them to understand the notion and the implications of a relationship
And I need them to be fully committed to making me a better person
And me making them a better person
Because once all of that happens, all I'll need is for them to love me
Love me
The real me
The person who is blunt and blatantly obvious
The person who can capture a room with intelligence
The person who hates the evils in the world
The person who doesn't believe in god
The person who cares about other people but has trouble showing it
The person who works for everything
The person who has suffered enough
The person who wants to be loved by you
And in some sense
It's been established that you can't love me
Simply because you don't
And that's fine even though it pains me deeply
But if it can't be you
And you not caring for me is true
Someone needs to sweep me away and love me for me
Because I believe in human nature and I also believe in Darwinism
But when it comes to me
Human nature and Darwinism are contradictory
Because human nature would be the act of two people loving each other for the sake of loving each other and wanting to be together
But Darwinism says that my genes are too weak to compete in the gene pool
Therefore it is difficult for one to seek my affection
Because it subliminally implies that we're seeking "a mate"
And I wouldn't be a good mate
A) because I have a chronic illness
B) I'm batshit crazy
So I don't even know what to do at this point
Maybe I was designed as a solo
Rather than a duet
That happens
It's a possibility
A horrible one
But the most hurtful thing right now
Is the idea that you may not love me
And you never will

You deserve better
Don't do it, you'll regret it
He's not good for you
He tears you apart
Every time he hurts you you're a wreck

TURN

I think he really likes you
I see him staring at you while you read in class
You're the only one for him, and he's the only one for you
You're both ****** up, but you're two halves of a whole
The two of you have a future

TURN

He doesn't actually "love" you
He's using you
He gets what he wants and then he leaves
You're too good for him
He isn't the "right" person

TURN

It's been a year
We all know that something more is going to happen between the two of you
Do you consider yourselves to be an object?
Would you ever "be" with him
I think you should do it

TURN

What if I'm not ready?
What if the negative people are right and the positives are wrong?
What if I do something stupid and never recover?
Is he another illness?
Is he my savior?
Will I ever know?
If I am ready, what do I do?
Will someone please help me?

RESPONSE

We've helped you
It's all up to the two of you

------------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­--------------

I still don't know what keeps me going
I still don't know what's holding me back
I'm all alone
But there's a distinct possibility that I don't have to be alone

Disappointment comes with being a human
I can understand the notion of not always getting what I want
Because I'm reasonable and that's life
But time and time again, I find myself begging my parents for things I'll never have
I fall to pieces and they have to glue me back together every five minutes
But they aren't enough
Their comfort isn't enough
The only temporary comfort I can find is a boy who treats me terribly
He uses me and I'm practically an object
But temporary affection is enough to satisfy my everlasting sadness
He's like a pill
An ******
Because I go through withdrawal
And oh my god
When I am disappointed, it feels like withdrawal
Night sweats and vommiting and the chills
I ache terribly and the disappointment keeps hitting me, again and again and again
And when I'm knocked down, I'm too injured to get back on my feet safely
I fall to pieces
I seek irrational, wrong, abusive affection
I write poems that only strangers will read and maybe you'll respond
And if you don't, I might be disappointed, but it wont be anything new

How many times do I have to hear
"You're going through a rough time right now"
Because I can understand a "rough time"
How long can this rough time possibly last
I spoke to my mother last night
and she told me that things are bad right now but eventually it'll go away
So I asked her
"How long has it been?"
And all she could do was bury her face in her palms
It's been four years
Is four years a rough patch...
When I'm not even 18 years old
Four years isn't a rough patch
It's a rough life

Ambition drove me to hell
Where I stood in the torrential downpour
Waiting for a hero of some sort

Maybe it would be him
Maybe it would be the sight of his license plate
Or the whiff of his cologne
Hopefully two abrupt hands covering my eyes

But no, I was alone in the rain
My laptop in my bag
Only to get wet, along with my copy of "The Sun Also Rises"

I had nowhere to go
No one to see
Or no one who wanted to see me

My family was away
My friends had all dispersed into cars full of life and spirit

And then I saw a friend
no
less than a friend
...someone I know?

I was stupid enough to go with her to a house rampant with drugs
Powder perfectly lined up
Broken up ****
Old prescription bottles
******* and marijuana and oxy and everything that feels like heaven but tastes like hell
FALSE
tastes like heaven but leads you to hell

**** my stupidity
So depressed that I couldn't make a simple decision
a decision so simple, all I had to say was "no"
Because stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right?
Same result
Stupid because my actions are counterproductive to everything I work for
Endless hours of typing and reading and underlining words that were already highlighted
Stupid because I was selfish
selfish enough to only want to get high
and not think about the people around me
So stupid
it's laughable
FALSE
it's painful and terrible and everything I dont want YOU to feel

And I consumed the substance  
that altered my mind into a kaleidoscopic whirlwind
Of blackness and white dots
one minute I was there...
the next I was home
and then a coffee shop
and then my house

My eyes were as glazed as a krispy kreme donut
excuse that deliciously disgusting simile
POuNDs of led were on my eyelids
and nothing mattered


until it did
until my HIgh became a lOW
until my mother walked into the room - - unexpected - - danger
until my mother said "you're gone"
until my mother cried because her brother was addicted to coke and her dad would shoot up on painkillers
until I was a reminder  

it matters
I think it matters

I am the downpour
they say "When it rains, it pours"
and ****...
it's been raining  a lot

everyday theres another thunderstorm
literally and figuratively

just imagine
REALITY
who can riddle the thought of reality
not me
not me at all...

Aside from myself
Time is my devious enemy
Tricking me into
Believing that things will happen
At 2:20
I thought it would happen
But oh no
Time couldn't reason
With the thought of my happiness
Time punches me in the face
I fall to the ground
And
THUMP
Five more punches
Before I've even had the TIME
To stand up
After the initial punch
And as my knees are bending
My legs thrusting
My body upward into stance
Time stabs me
And I bleed
I bleed every blood cell
Each cell
Is a secret
But time wounded me
And made everything pour out
Time drained my body
And replaced it with blood that wasn't mine
So time
Once again
Has changed me

I'd like to settle
On fecund land
Grow tomatoes
Write about my life
The life I've hardly lived
But still
Can't there just be a house
With a coffee machine
Some books
Fields of lavender
Plains of grain
I never want to leave
That nonexistent land
I want to lay
In a fecund field
With one person
With you
Talk about us
And ignore everything else
Although it's unrealistic
I'd like it
Forever

You all treat me poorly
I'm so broken inside
I don't think there's any cure
I've run and practiced yoga
Read and written
Medicated
What else can I do?
You all keep shutting me down
At every word
Every syllable
Every groan
It hurts me to know that I'll look back on my childhood
And resent every cell in your body
If I do move forward
Which I'm not sure I will
I'll never look back at the faces
That said
I was...
...egocentric
...ungrateful
...stupid
...ignorant
...ugly
­...self consumed
I've made a list
Of all the cutting words you've spoken
I'll never look back at your faces
I don't want to see anything that resembles you
Not my extended family
Nor my sister
I don't know if I'll have children
To think of putting a person on Earth
Who could potentially be
As ****** up as me
Would be cruel and unkind and wrong
That poor nonexistent child
They'll have my genes
My parents' genes
Cancerous and dangerous and terrible
It's so wrong
They could be an addict
Like my grandfather and uncle and me
They could be mentally ill
Depression is a mental illness
Right?
I refuse
As I write this
I only see more reasons to never do
What my parents have done to me
The pain that I feel every day
Is the type of pain
That no other human being deserves to feel
Let alone my hypothetical child
Maybe one day I'll find a cure
To this persistent unhappiness
But until life proves
That things can be made ok
Ugh
////////////////
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
UGH


THIS ANGER

I D O N T
K/N/O/W
W/H/A/T
TO DO
A N Y M O R E

I've hit a hall


A concrete wall

When I saw your face
I was astonished by your presence
Surprised and confused and angry
I devoted a year of my life
Thinking about the possibility of "us"
You showed me that the possibility of us
Simply didn't exist
So I went on to someone else
Someone who has filled my life with passion
Someone whose presence encourages me to put on makeup in the morning
Someone who I have liked for so long
And tonight
You and him were face to face
It was the battle
That had always existed but never begun
You hugged me
To make him feel jealous
So thank you
Because five minutes later
He grabbed me
We embarked on a walk
Once again he said
"Why are you always so sad?"
Then he grabbed my face
Kissed it gently
Then more passionately
Suddenly we were on the ground
You get the gist
Long story short
Had it not been for you
I would have never loved him
I never thought I would say  this
But thank you
Because I am so in love with thought of a different "us"

You're my father
I want you to come to my room
And insist on talking to me until I stop crying
Because I need someone to physically be with me
Screens won't cut it anymore
I'm in distress
I'm hurt
And I want your presence

How does the world expect me
To be entirely put together
When I'm so broken
I'm not a pristine mirror
I don't reflect the beauty of the world
I'm shards of glass
That tear human flesh
I reflect only pieces of the world
And the pieces I reflect
Are uneven and sharp and dangerous
I wear a perfectly tailored suit
But my mind looks like an untamed jungle
My heart feels like torn tissue
My heart looks like an emboldened question mark
So why am I viewed as the girl
Who knows everything
Who has it all figured out
I know what I want
I don't know how to get there

How could I say something
So stupid
Without reasoning the implications
I don't know if it was a subconscious cry for help
Or a way of explaining the way something can affect me
But right now
I know
That you are in tremendous pain
And that I am ungrateful and selfish
This isn't about you
It's about me
And that's the problem
I'm sorry
That I threatened my life
When you've lost so much already
The pain persists
And hopefully my love for you will too
Because knowing that you love me
May be
The only thing that's keeping me alive

Reinforcement
Defined my Merriam Webster as
"the act of strengthening or encouraging something"
In psychology, there is negative reinforcement
And there is positive reinforcement
Each act committed is intended to produce a certain result
Give a dog a bone
If they sit when you say "sit"
It's simple
But here I have a problem
My positive acts are reinforced with negative results
Straight A's--> Mental Breakdown
Straight A's and kindness toward my sister--> unacknowledged
Straight A's and a sweet disposition and kindness
Was supposed to result
In me getting
What I have been working for
For over a year
But once again
Life has smacked me in the face
Reinforced my positive acts
With negative results
Further producing
A girl cry
Profusely
A sea of tears
Bricks on my back
Needles in my feet
Hell

I lay here in my bed
In the house that I've lived in
For my entire life
Yet I'm not at home

My sister and parents reside here with me
But I may as well be living with a dog and a cat
No...
Living with a dog and a cat sounds far more appealingn

I've only visited one place
That has felt like a home to me
Where people who I lived with
Understood the pain, the happiness, the mentality

We were a perfect community
None of us had ever had a safe haven
We were all lost and suddenly felt found
And there were nights when we wanted to be in our beds

But as I lay here
I cannot believe the stupidity of the notion of my house
Because here, things aren't good
I'm too high
I'm too low
There is no inbetween

My music is considered to be strange where I live
Where at home we all sang the songs that burned in our hearts
The melodies that depicted all the emotions we couldn't express
Because we understood each other

Here my work is laughed at
No one knows how I express myself
At home, we would read each other stories of our childhood
Or letters written to our dead family members
Or fictional tales that we wished to be true
And we thought nothing of it, because, we were home

And it's been nearly a month
Since I've seen my real siblings
Since we've sung and read and laughed and cried
I dont know how I'm going to survive at my house
I want to be home
I NEED to be home

be not what you want to be perceived as
but what you want to accomplish

don't ask for someone to hold your hand
because you have two
so, hold your own

listen to music that elates your soul

go to places that are extraordinary
meet people who open your eyes
and thank them

eat citrus
constantly

do what makes you happy
surround yourself with things that are conducive to your happiness

and if you have a bad past
dont bother looking back

and if this meant nothing to you
dont listen to a word I say

o
my
god

i hate you

so rude

i can't

i think ive only seen
one other face
that looks as tired as mine

her eyes reflected black holes
and the bags underneath them
were as dark as rain clouds

and her beautiful face
cant begin to explain
the ugliness of her past

when she told me
that her brother had died
i didnt know how to respond

all i could think
was
how can someone possibly be sadder than me?

I promise not to put you on the pedestal
that my parents put me on

I promise to love you unconditionally and accept whoever you are
as my parents didn't

I promise to exceed your expectations and **** myself to make you happy
as my parents don't

I promise to set a reasonable precedent, one that's equal to what we're capable of
as my parents didn't

I promise that you exist because I thought the world would be a better place with you
as my parents selfishly conceived me out of sorrow

I promise to celebrate every birthday with you and bring you breakfast in bed
as my parents left me waiting at school

I promise that I had you tested in the womb to ensure that you're healthy
as my parents didn't, because I'm sick in the head and in the body

I promise to expose you to every continent
as I am confined to this city

I promise to send you to private school only
as my parents sent me to terrible schools

I promise to make sure that you never write a list like this

I promise that I will never break these promises

I promise that your existence means something
as my meaning remains unknown

I promise that you will never feel the daggers I feel, as a result of my parents' negligence

I promise that if you ever feel alone or depressed or left behind or suicidal
I will empathize

Because this pain
is unbearable

And I promise
to NEVER inflict the life I've had
upon an innocent human being

I think
And I think like you
And I think I like you
You're so wrong but so right
Excuse the cliche
****
******* for being
So right
About everything
You know what you're doing
At least it looks like it
So when I watch you walk by
All I see is ambition and drive
Everything I could possibly want
And then I have strangers
Telling me
That I mean nothing to you
I don't need to be your everything
But I need to be something
So to think
That I'm nothing
Cuts
Like a razor blade
Against
Clean flesh

Goals I've set
have been met
in order to get what I want
And as soon as I can have it
It dies
Literally
Poetry, "literally"
As soon as it's at my fingertips
It goes away
As if it hadn't been waiting
For an entire year

what's my pen name you ask
really?
if I wanted to say something out loud
nothing would stop me
I do-- say whatever I want out loud
but what I put on paper
is none of your business
because you couldn't possibly understand

I feel closer to the world that lays beneath my fingertips
than I do to the world outside my door
because here I can say
whatever it is that's on my mind
and I know there will always be someone
by my side
even if we're miles apart

I thought that I could shake the feelings
The feeling of love
Torture
That you bring upon me
I thought that someone else's kiss could somehow neutralize every time you've ever kissed me
It didn't
Every since we kissed
Every other kiss has seemed so...
Passionless, boring, pointless
And I try to shake my love for you
But when I see you around children
You speak to them and smile
I speak to them and smile
And biology takes over
Suddenly, I think of you as a father
As if the children you were watching over were our own
Oh, you
You mean so much
Too much
I can't ever lose you
Despite the pain you bring me
And every time
I try to shake my feelings for you
I'm only reminded
Our passion is incomparable
To any other kiss in the world
And when we make that eye contact
You know what eye contact I'm talking about
I feel electricity through by bones
Warmth in my muscles
Oh, you
You terrible, wonderful person
I can't believe how long it's been
I can't believe how much I've grown to love you

i always told you that manners matter
i condemned you when you wouldn't hold the door open for me
i've realized that while i was parked in a spot that was already taken
i was driving over you
from then on your heart was broken
i was confused
then we did what we always do
kiss, love, whatever
god, i hate you
god, i love you
today, you held the door open for me
and that made all the difference in the world

just another day
that i'll marinate in the pain
that brings me all this heartache
and no matter what
i'm still a **** up
i'm still another disaster
so i'll marinate
in the savory tears
that won't stop rolling down my face
so i'll marinate in your voice
your horrible words
your careless face
so i'll marinate in the smell
of my mother's food
that I wont eat
because i dont want to be nourished
and I question if i want to live
i'll marinate in the grievances that i've listed time and time again
i'll continue to live this life
that i hate so much
that i question every day
and sometimes
the only thing that keeps me holding on
are the words of a singer who doesnt know that i exist
sometimes the only thing that keeps me holding on is him
but he's farther away every day
and i've loosened my grip
because it feels like someone is punching me from inside out
and the pain in my brain hurts so much
that i want to stab myself with an edge so sharp that this punching feeling
wont feel like anything
I hate myself
i hate everything that i am
i dont want to be here anymore
in this sea of fakeness
i want to be with people who understand
i want to rewind three months
but that's not possible so what's the point
**** my life
there are people who love me
and i wish
that i could love myself as much as they do
but no one understands that my lack of a mask is masking
my anger and despair and angst
that kills me more and more every day
that makes me want to take 50 pills instead
of the 1 that i'm prescribed
someone take me away
to a place where the broken souls go
everything I am is too shattered
there's no putting me back together
these shards of glass
have fallen so hard
that they can never be pieced together again

ever since you saw me in that light
i know the sight of me has been unbearable
and although we've tried to talk it through
and reconcile and forget
we still can't get over the fact that what happened happened
and i'm sorry for disappointing you
because all i've ever wanted is your approval
but now that i've grown up
and formed my own opinions
our minds clash and we can't agree
and every argument ends in threats and words of hate
i will not change who i am
you will not condition me to not be me

I know that I love you
more than anything in the world
I dont know if you feel this way too
but if you do
please let me know
because my heart aches at the sight of your face
and i cherish every moment that i spend with you
I also know
that you've been cruel
to my soul
and I know there's something
you know
that I dont
and as you hug
my best friends in the world
i only think
that we're that much more perfect for each other
every night
I lay in bed
hoping
that one night
you'll call my name
and save me
from the agony of your absence

we say
no strings attached
we say
feelings won't get in the way
we say
it's meaningless
but two people
that have engaged
in this type of behavior knows
that feelings do get in the way
that emotions are stirred
and hearts are broken
and love is present
I find myself dumbfounded
when thinking
that I could have ever thought
that I wouldn't love you one day
and now
I just look into your eyes
I say a word or two
we're both confused
it's painful
and stupid
yet
it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

Like evaporation

I go high up

Into the clouds

Then pour down

Onto the ground

because all I see is IGNORANCE
minds that are satisfied
with being uniformed
where has the world gone
where is the CURIOSITY
where are the children
pledging to make the world a better place
because all I see
are PRETENTIOUS photographs
and empty thoughts
where are the questions
why is it acceptable to know nothing
society
i hate the thought of
a culture
a culture that is OBSCENE
a society that should be
ASHAMED of its wrongdoings
a society that should present
WORLD HUNGER as an actual problem
a society that should take ACTION
rather than sit by
as if people aren't dying as the minutes pass
and every grain in the hourglass
represents a STORY
stories that aren't told
all because society
is too IGNORANT
to care

you made it a point to speak my name
to utter the 4 syllables
you were thinking of me
in your drunken state
flattery is all i feel
because to know that your unfiltered thoughts are inclusive of me
is to know that i am not alone
and that i mean something
so thank you
for sipping so much
that your mind couldn't function
it was functioning all along