boys are magnifying glasses
they amplify emotions until they're unfamiliar and frightening

I'VE NEVER FELT SO WRETCHED
OR SO PRECIOUS
or so contemptible
or so desirable
or so powerless
or so beautiful
or so constricted
or so empty

as he made me feel.

your soft lips made mine feel soft too
my plain self effloresced under your fingers.

your touch made me quiver
your kiss sent a shiver
down
my spine
signs of fear and confusion
passion was our mistaken conclusion
or maybe that mistake was solely mine.

looking back,
the quickening of my heartbeat was a warning, not an answer
electricity can warm you
but it can burn too
i was prepared for the spark
but not for the consuming flames

i felt the unsavory heat of embarrassment not long after
grappled for an explanation as i flailed into uncertainty

who's to say where i faltered?
only you, but you've gone mute.

maybe i was wrong
maybe you never cared
i saw what i wanted to see
maybe that made you scared.

when i welcomed you in
to complete my hollow self
the void was too cavernous for you
you stuck me back on the shelf

maybe it wasn't fair
to need you in that way
i guess i should've known
you never intended to stay.

sitting on my sofa
your hand over mine
you kept trying to kiss me

i knew what you wanted then.

i acted like the movie i chose was mesmerizing
it wasn't. you were.
all i could think about was how it'd feel to kiss you
like you wanted
like i wanted

our breathing patterns matched up.
my ear was on your heart (that's the closest i'll ever get to it)
you kissed me whisperingly on the forehead
just how i like it.
how did you know?
how could someone who knew me so little know me so well?

when i finally succumbed
it was hungry.
you didn't kiss me delicately, as i was accustomed
i didn't feel like much of a person at all
i felt like a thing
but a desirable thing

HE kissed me like a treasure
like i could shatter at any moment
i don't know why i ever tired of it.

your ravenous lips and hands were at once refreshing and scalding.
you didn't kiss like a good boy ought.
i wanted to reciprocate, to participate.
i convinced myself, yes, this is what i want.
he is what i want.
and he wants me.

you kissed me like you loved me.
or like you could love me.
i didn't need you to love me, i never asked for you to love me.
but you convinced me you could.

now that just wasn't fair.