There was a soft kiss
Playing on my lips
It was as real as
A streaming river dam
It was as real as
Soft pink cotton clouds.
It was nothing if not loving.

There was no way out
Of your loving embrace
Except the way that hurt you the most.
I loved you too much to let you in.
You cried and asked if it was true
I smirked and said "tell no one".

But you knew each wound
On my wretched body
And the meaning of each moan
That escaped me lips
When you put your hands on me.
You knew all my sorrows
And understood me
Like no one else.

Complex PTSD has no mercy
Not even for you my love.
I forgot and you knew.
I blew a kiss and forgot you were alive.
I told you I had a boyfriend
Even though my body still had your scent on it.
And you understood like no one else.

You grunted "stop smoking"
And I snorted at you.
You swore loyalty to a brain
That vowed to forget you.
You were the only thing
I held on to while I accepted
The torment directed on my body and soul.

And I still can't recall your name
But I remember your softness
And diligence.
The effort you put in to me.
Like you were the only one
Who could save me.
And save me you did.
Like no one else could.

There's a surge of anger
Rising from my gut
Grunting to my brain
"Name Him"
And golden heart shaped locked
Drespassing in my mind
Like the kind that seperated lovers
Gift each other with.
But Complex PTSD has no mercy.
Not even for you my love.

We sat on the floor
You and me
I still feel like a young girl
And you still act like a young man
We sat on the floor
You and me
You said you forget the bad
And only hold on to the good.
We smiled and I saw myself
Within you.
There are lines forming around our eyes.
Nearing 30, you and me...

"Do you know what happens, when you ignore all the bad?"

He said he didn't know

you drift apart slowly, until there's nothing left to remember except the bad

But we didn't know that
When we were younger.
We didn't know.

The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly,
Had melted away
The world was full and empty at the same time.
Everything was solid yet up in the air
It felt like anything could happen.

There was nothing here aside
From a clean slate.
You know the kind, you never wanted.
A smile of contentment for things left behind
And a sting of sorrow for the things
You weren't ready to lose.

Suddenly the world was full of everything
You had always neglected about yourself.
There was air, the cold kind, that hurts your lungs
Empty of a warm promise yet full
Of a truth, kindly smiling at you.

You smile back, in realization
Life so bleak, suddenly looks
Like clouds are lifting
Warm air heading your way
Touching skin sadly neglected

The road stretching beyond reach
Leaving the truth far behind
Like yesterday's past
The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly
Now fades into a distant memory.

It was great for a time
*** and wine
Wine and ***
Then commitment and open and shut curtains.
Special delivery of child made the bond complete
Six months down the line
Breast feeding was action watched from a distance
Intimacy was a tired look
The neighbours cat looked hot
Killed the lonely nights
Killed the commitment outright
Got to know the lawyer through rapid bank withdrawals
Weekly child visit watched over by Brutus
Bar visits watched over by the world's condemned
Special occasion became a twice yearly treat
Birthday and Christmas, bit of hate thrown sideways.
Then the new man.
Felt good for her.
Maybe some pressure off.
Maybe missed that lobotomy bar lecture.
Years dragged the hate forward.
Time moved on.
One day I wrote her a letter expressing my anger.
She wrote back in triplicate.
I wrote back in double triplicate.
She sent a thesis on men and *****.
Suddenly without thinking, we had dialogue.
After a while, we moved on from the anger.
We became human again.
I actually liked writing her letters and receiving them.
We never got back together.
But the letters kept us close.
Sometimes there would be a kiss at the end.
The little bit of love I probably never deserved.
I would mention it to her in my next letter.
Even an *** deserves a solitary kiss now and again.
The bar room lawyers would probably agree.

It was day time in a seedy little bar...

"You go talk to him!"

"No you go..."

"She should go" she said
With a firm voice
Like her mind was made up.
So I went

He sat at the bar
Dark hair in a pony tail
He was the coolest guy
There was a man by his side
Who spoke to him
With admiration in his voice.

He pretended he didn't notice me
I went closer, my knees weak
And my hands sweating
He saw me, snorted
Like I wasn't good enough.
With my voice trembling
I said to him...

"Daddy when are you coming home?"

"Dude you have to go home!" Said the man beside him.

Daddy did come home eventually
With a black eye
From the guy at the bar;
Convinced mum
She was the crazy one.

But I liked that other guy better...
Because when a child tells you to go home...
You go home.

She had that "impress me" vibe over her.
If only she could be impressed by anything I knew about.
If only she cared of my dazzeling good looks.
And my smooth lines.

If only I could make her head turn.
But she never looked.
I could never say anything
That stirred her heart.
She was that conquest we all wanted
But could never have
So we never admitted to really wanting her.

she's not that easy, she's too smart

And boy was she ever smart.
Nothing I could do, surprised her.
She was one step ahead.
So I took her down, like a good sportsman
Or hunter who takes down a gazelle.
But she never quivered.
She never admitted that anything I had done
Really impacted her.

She smiled like statues smile
She looked right through us
Like an x-ray scanner
And we felt small
Insignificant.
And we took distance
She was the only thing
I could never figure out completely.
She was the hero
Who never showed her face
And Villain who never told anyone
She had a beautiful heart aside a beautiful face.

The illusion of a woman was embodied within her.

She walked in and stood by the door.
The question how are you
Had released a verbal waterfall
Of anger and insults in to the air.
Suddenly, mid-rant her eyes froze.
She burst in to tears
As her heart burst in her chest
Of reasons she did not want to tell me.

I held her close and whispered to her.
She cried her tears of sorrow
And slowly we reconstructed
Her future in to something more solid.
Then came the second sister.
She didn't want to talk about it.

She had a depth in her sigh
Of a mother who had lost her will
Who had lost hope
And lay curled up in a corner.
There's isn't much to be done now.
But hope for better days.
There were three broken hearts
Sitting in my orderly livingroom.

So we changed scenes
I walked in to the city
To meet people I've never met.
There was an infinite stair case
To what turned out to be paradise.
There were field flowers and greens
More candle holders
Than I've ever seen...

There were two boys
Who seemed to have it all
In their cluddered pach of heaven.
And that is where we found ourselves.
I welcomed myself
In to my own heart
And decided it was time for a change.
For good this time.