It has come to the point
Where it is no longer
The fact that
"It gets better."
But rather I have to
DO BETTER.

You and I need to face how broken our relationship is.
All we've done is lie to
Each other
Everyone else
Ourselves
And that will be the death of us
In the end
I don't want to grow up and live
With the lies we planted
As teenagers.
It is not that I do not wish
To grow old with you, my love.
That will be something I want to have; you, I mean.
The lies have drained me, girlie.
You were right
All of those months ago.
All we do is lie to one another.
And I will do my part for that to change
When they let us reunite.
And hopefully you will too.

These lies have drained me, girlie.
That is one thing that I know.
I keep on wondering if
Ashley was real because she
Was a lie once, so why not again?
I just want the truth
And I want to understand
But
"There is nothing for you to understand."
At least that is what your mom told me.
These lies have drained me, girlie.

I'm distracting myself
From what I am trying to say.

Of course I love you.
I will always love you.
But it's been so long
And my heart is just a little too broken.
So when you come back,
I will be starting over.
Because I was in love with you.
I was, for a long time.
And that was never a lie, my love.
I want to be in love with you again.
I really do.
And I will let you fix my heart
With what ever you have in your
Arsenal.
I'm just too tired to fix it myself
And I keep looking for girls to do the fixing
For you.
But no one has and I see no one will.
I haven't let you go, my angel.

I've just decided that

I can't say I'm in love with you

Anymore until we

Fix our immensely, chaotically,
Horribly, undeniably

Broken relationship.

i saw your green eyes and i knew you
there was no doubt in my mind as to who you were
i saw those days at your fathers house
and i hope im the best memory you have of those walls
there were the moments of hands and unfairness
snapshots of us, of you beside me,
raced through my mind like a movie
and i had you and i knew you
i knew the girl who broke on bathroom floors
and gave me hair bands when my stomach couldn't take it
there you were in all of your glory
the one who loves basketball and her clarinet
i heard your voice and knew it would be okay
but not when you were speaking to her
it was only when you spoke to me
that i knew we would make it past this
your green eyes shone
like the day you asked me for my number
and the night you told me you knew about my scars
you couldn't say you loved me
just like i couldn't say it back to you
but i was shaking far too much to return the look
so i called you girlie because that made sense
i knew you.

Anna,
I knew who you were.
At first glance.
You were the girl who was mine.

I didn't forget you this time.
I think I just forgot my own name.

They're like the sound
Of a monitor toning off
Seconds until a hated loved one dies
But also the sound
Of the clock on her
Walls chiming closer to wishing hour.
And I can't help but wonder why
Her mind is the constant repetition.

Maybe if I
change
Everything about
myself
They will have a little mercy on me.

Here we come to the final steps
"Your middle child is crying
In the kitchen, darling."
1 2 3 4
My heart is pounding.
Fear sleeps with me now
Because I'm afraid you never will
And it keeps me up
Softlyquietlywhiswhispering
"She may be gone tomorrow.
She will be gone tomorrow."
Part of me wants to be a badbadgirl
And scream the town awake with
The thought.
But the truth is,



The love of my life could disappear
Tomorrow.
And she would have forgotten
The feel of my head on her shoulder
Or how we looked in that bathroom
Mirror together.
She would forget all the
Badgirldonewrong looks
She would give me when they found
Us out to be what we are.
Just kissinggirlswithhandstooburnt
To stay away from each other's skin.
But she could be gone tomorrow.


And there is nothing
I can do about it
Even if I did learn to stay in step
With the 1 2 3 4
I'd always skip to 14 in the next
Heart beat.
5 6 7 8.
"Your child is weeping in the kitchen,
Darling."

I'm done.
She said it when I was a girl
And didn't listen to all of his orders
He would beat me as she said it
With words like stupid and worthless
And brat
But those were only the nicest
And she would tell that to me
She was done.
I guess with me.

Later in life,
After that man was out of our house
She still told me that
At night when I'd comfort her crying
And she didn't want me to
In between sobs the words slipped out
She was done.
I guess with life this time and I couldn't
Stop her then.

When the crying stopped,
A new man entered our house
And I started carving
My self hatred on my skin
I remember the second time they found out.
I told her what I was doing
To my body
She forced me to show her my stomach
When I did
All she had to say was
I'm done.
So I was right.
She was done with me.
I wasn't worth the fight anymore.

I'm done.
I'm done.

Like a tired teenage girl who had heard those words uttered too many times.