what a fluzee
excuse me
interject the topic
that most needs discussion
take the lead
your you
yet im still me,
not now or forever.
time might be looked at as wasted,
i look at time
being forever to precious to sit and wait
while i boil with hate.

back again since december of twenty ten
life is splendid more blessed than ever
learning lifes pathes and how they fold
loving it all despite my weird awkwardness
im a big girl now

Sunset and Sunrise
No uncertainty-
Just a simple pure Energy;
Amongst us All, Beaneath the Ether, Over the horizon and throughout the hills-
Here I am comfortably as one
With myself.

crunch and lunge,
sprint and squat
stretch and pace
trying to make it first in the race
head straight eye on the prize
physically
and mentally
preparing for the best me
I can ever come to be

crunch and lunge,
sprint and squat
stretch and pace
trying to make it first in the race
head straight eye on the prize
physically
and mentally
preparing for the best me
I can ever come to be

ive done it this time further than ever before
who  cares -
i am completly alone
in my head and in my soul

so fried and flicked
******* and ticked

trapped in my own head
insanity has captivated my mind

its me
im the one with the problems

or is this just another life lesson
taught down on my journey  of life.

Zen.
Never have I felt it,
Quite as much as I do now;
As the hours pass on,
And the nights pass quicker,
I am positive-
That all the toxic filled problems
that haunted me day after day-
Are finally coming to shore;
To slowly be brushed back into the sea,
Forever and Eternity,
Just as they once were.

Why is being happy such a challenge?
I find myself asking the same question at times.
please don't answer it.

How come forgiveness is not something that can be granted? ESPECIALLY during the Holidays?

Take a look
but beware
not to stare
as its unfair
uncomfortable and moist
luckily theres no hair on the palm
so tragic and calm ---

imagine the flood
replaced with blood
dark and deep
red, hot with heat-
the air so cold
chilly and dark
isolated with questions
silenty ignored ;
just another victim
left with a
a broken heart.

replaced my ignorance with

You are to me;
What honey is to a bee;
The simplicity of the pollinating of nectar,
From flower to flower,
Comes the idea of working together-
Because not having one with out the other,
Is Like counting the sea shells without the shore.

hocus pocus
please, grant me focus
stop my mind from racing
a thousand seconds a minute
slow my thoughts,
calm my fears,
demolish the doubt
give me the strenghth
give me the piece of mind
to overcome
this adhd train of thought;
for i only have till midnight

not that I did or Have.

I can not help that its a problem
actually scratch that-

I can . I Need help -

Getting out is one solution.
Starting over.
Alone.
Is the solution.

i Need too/
Stop being ****** up
Let them go
Like they ALL have left you in the past

Its bearable
its usual

Im alone.
As god intended it to be
forever and more

"I live in a cacoon opposite of cancun"

Its right. I lie
Everything is wrong
Plain and Simple
This is all going to change
give it time
one day at a time.
Do what I can to stay alive
Emotionally
Im shattered and broken
But
All thats broken can be fixed

For ever I wanted,
for all i loved
is all I lost.
No gain other than growing up-
I'd never been so lost
or so scared
but alone i stood;
dreaming of us
dreaming of how i longed just to be home .

I am sure

wanted anyone to hurt for me
to feel what i feel
to love me so much they feel pain
i have never wanted that
to let yourself in
was my fault
i let you in
despite how much i restrained
i gave in
and now you hurt
i never meant too.

Prep,
Plan,
Dream. Achieve-
Go than get-
Nice whip.
Please And Play,
Pray Everyday.
Learn to cook,
Rock A look.
Hit the gym, go for a swim.
Turn Proving them wrong,
Factual.
Believing in the UNbeliavable'
Going the limit,
Taking the lead
This life is so extrordinary

my  heart
my head
throb with confusion
and question my existance

the life im living
the women im becoming
im not quite sure

you would recognize her

the better i get - it is
h
  a
     r
         d
            e
                r
it is to grasp

Ive always promised it was over
Convinced myself every time
Your wrong for me
It wont ever be

Every tear dropped was proof of insanity
I am stronger than the pain
resisting it all
It revolves around me

Look at you now
so much more different
Yet the same old pain
I mask it and put it in the past

Your lies are irresistible
I cant contain myself

Its happened Its here
My Dreaded days of disgust
Feel as if they might just dissapear-
I am so in love with him
Yes, it feels so good to say it
It is you my babyLove
My dear

Everything I have built up
And let out
You were there
You listened-
It was You who chased my pain
All the way to the finish line
I am so In love with you

Drama follows me
Problems that seem so false
Something out of a fiction novel
Just as the bees follow hunny
I like to fear
Just so things
never look boring and clear
Cant you see?
I create such a ruckous
I am so loud
Yet I  hate it
But in the end
Id never ever change it

I hate the drama
You take it away
Its you  
You change my mind
You help me find
The purpose
The reason
The Understanding of why

Im still here season after season.

through the clouds
over my head
beneath my toes
a feeling
opposite of good
but worse than bad

more terrible than the last ex
i lost everything

even the one person
who loved me

for me

all of this
once again
seems to be
another bad begining again


same problems
different location

isolation from the world
fear of the moon
and even the sun light
this is daily

a boyfriend
who isnt even a friend
simply a little boy

who met me in the peak of the turning
but really it was me who gave in
emotionally scared

and forever questioning

how can i let myself be in this same boat
the sharpness
of the same knife
dug so deep;
so slowly
all i feel is pain.
its my fault
im to blame
i need to walk away

Assumed. led to consumed
Consumed led to commited
you found what you assumed
by the drive of drama driven commitement
to the doorway of  undesirable.
now im on the last road home
that seems the most obvious
isnt the road to home at all
it wont be till mid august
maybe by than you will understand
who I am
What I do
Where I go
and with who
may seem scandalous;
however if you analyze it a lot more clear'
the assumptions assumed
will be obvious

Ive got some issues that nobody can see
but all of these emotions are pouring out of me
this is the soundtrack to my life...

dying
is not scary

living every day not knowing how tomorow will be
is much more scary

I hate the unknown
and how much it stings

If i cried
you would be here.

i wish i could have it back

Its only time
thats all we need
time is the essence of what we need
your what i breathe
your all I feel
Everything I see
Is Surrounded By you

Here and now.
Right now
not than
its night
humid
depressing
cloudy not hazy
i love him
im afraid
here i go again
its crazy its insane
i dont know
thats just it
i do

I like the way it hurts
I love the way you think
Thats okay
I love the way you lie.
Love Is crazy
Insane.

I guess its proven to be
just as we exactly wanted it to be
except there isnt us.

another year another tear
a fear of what i feel
and how Im able to live with myself
behind a shadow of guilt
im able to wake up -- everyday and smile
and wonder to myself and think;
how it would be great to hear your voice
and be able to tell you that im sorry
and im sorry for the lies that hurt you-
and im sorry that the reason I lost you,
was to better myself and be this better me; hand in hand next to you.

Fate
its impossible --- so they say
Im a mircle baby
so illl make it happen

just watch me. stand  there eye me up and down, feel free, judge me
try to belittle me and abuse me

a million seasons
could pass
and for the last mass on a very special sunday in the fall
for just a few seconds
if you listen carefully down the halls
the white and black keys press firmly on the grand piano  in the center of us all
as you slowly sip the gin'
you begin to obviously grin
a smirk a smile short about a mile to thiin

i breathe your scent
masked under **** and cigarette buds

your the one my hearts requesting
forwarded with a can i have my turn again

life doesnt care
-
Unfortunettly theres no return policy.

and theres no denying
I hate to feel this way
Im so used to it
Its all real
here I am again
summer after summer
***** and dusty
pale and thick
hot and sticky


withering away
getting bigger with hate
smaller with confidence
these words its all I feel
all I have

It wont amount to you

I could try to be just as bad as you
just as pathetic and worthless

I wont.

so fast
so new
so right
it is not in my control
i follow my heart
listen to my soul
feel of the vibes
it feels so perfect

fragile
violet
purple and grey

listening
aqua
fusia and green

confused
yellow
brown and blue

music
loud
charging and sleeping

guilty
crying
supressed and depressed

I am not this girl
all over again
sprawled passed out
on her bathroom floor

Everything to gain
Nothing to Lose
Im a one man team
Up against a five man pack
In a Cold and Unfair battle

.

Who ever said that family is forever
May god rest his sole

i want it i dream it i see it i believe it
destiny and fate
love and commitment
following your heart
trusting whats right
finding the right guy
is all i need
where is he?
patience is a virtue

what a day,
the first memorial day spent away.
I think and drink-
wonder why Im here again.
lurking in my own dark apartment;
thinking about the place I dream to be,
the city i hated so hard,
yet im yearning for the dirtyness.
the memories
the conversations,
the one who meant the world to me.
Life is certainly not anything it used to be.

what a day,
the first memorial day spent away.
I think and drink-
wonder why Im here again.
lurking in my own dark apartment;
thinking about the place I dream to be,
the city i hated so hard,
yet im yearning for the dirtyness.
the memories
the conversations,
the one who meant the world to me.
Life is certainly not anything it used to be.

to feel what i do
is to count every grain of sand

known to man

to think the way i do
is to count every constallation in the vast dark skY

To respect my different theorys and beliefs, as a person rather than some outsider

makes me content
for
you make me feel as if everything in my worlds alright

most
intelligent
loving
fun female

Money, Honey
makes the world go  round.
Money makes things happen
good and bad

Money clearly isnt worth dying over
But its what we live for
In the long run

Money makes things happen
it fills lives with glam and passion
Money makes life look easy

Money is the face
Behind Material Happiness
Some are just too blind by the Money shine

oh yuh
***** dubstep bumping like an 808
partying like a rockstar

marijuana molly ***** nyquil ativan adarall
baby bash
waka flocka bumping super H E L L - UH loud
the party downstairs

will be raging with under age kids all night -
here we go again

the peeping land lord- and the drunnk guy outside my bathroom
the sketchy anti social other room mate
the 2nd story appt
and the kids downstairs partying like i did when i was 19


wait a minute

i am way to old for this ****

Standby
Fade Away
Dream the Night Away
Seize the Day
Every Second In Every Hour
More and More
Less and Less
Be that Girl
Just a Little Less
Mischivious

A secon chance

The second Act

The flash of the night

Taking over the sun lit sky

Transforming right in front of my eyes

Loosing Control

Needing to GO

Being alone,

time after time again

Realizing It's Ok

For Thats Just who I am

From Smog and Snooty Stairs

To Humid Summer Air

Palm Trees And Sand

To Desolute Miles of Farm Land

Wondering when and If It'd End

To Praying I could be back home again

A new age A new stage

Coming together    

Forming a Reason

Forming a Person

and A self Esteem

You are him
you are the one for me,
I am sorry its been years.
All the tears
of the fears of being hurt by you haunted me -
day in and day out      ;

added with all the drops of rain
from the struggling nights of our pain
questioning us, him, you, me and what we should be ...
mixed together
equals
I know that you and I will make it together
Forver.

This life
This second
Pases by like fraight trains over never ending tracks;
and the endless miles of  big rigs on the interstate

This life
This minute
Dwindles away like the drop of rain off a leaf right after the rain
And the  harsh realization

That this is'nt home- It's not even close
Home was better; Much warmer despite all the negative exposures of the past

every moment every ounce of emotion

burrows within
like the rats in your wall.
and the coldness in your soul.

last night,
i dreamt I called your mom
it was way early in the am
like 4am or I so presume,
She picked up as if i woke her from here slumber ,
(which in obvious I did);
I asked her to speak to you,
our converasation went exactly like this;
"She said he isn't home Kimmy but when I see him,
ill be sure to have him call you. In the meantime, can i take  a message?"
Than I sob and tell her, "Please tell Him that your him who I think about.
day in and day out. I really need him to know that."
as my voice increased quieter than a shout.

Sleep
Its all I want
but never get
I dont deserve the things I want
its self punishment
for being
a discraceful
disgusting

person
who does not deserve a single second of a puff of air
let alone a night of rest.

is quite what it seems.

life is unpredictable,
edgy, rough and rugged
living life behind a picked fence;
in the midst of a revolution
is simply asking for
regret;
so please listen to me when i say,
stop being shy,
come out and play