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jess Dec 2018
i woke up today
with a headache pounding like an unwelcome guest
at the door to my mind
last night i slept restlessly
thrown around like a doll
through clusters of unpleasant dreams
of old friends and strangers
familiar places and abnormal universes
of stories i cannot understand
the line between dreams and reality blurs
what life am i living?
jess Dec 2018
there’s a face in the reflection
i see it every day
in the mirror, the windows, and my computer screen
i don’t know who this person is
but i don’t think i can be friends with them
they don’t like me
and i can’t like them
even if i tried
sometimes i wanna hurt them
or maybe they wanna hurt me
they aren’t me
i don’t want them to be me
they have darkness in their eyes
maybe if i can’t see them, they won’t exist
so i turn the mirror around
when i speak, i hear their voice
so i keep my mouth shut
i know they are still there
they just won’t leave
but if they went away…
what would be left of me?
nothing.
jess Dec 2018
there was a time
when we couldn't use knives
we hid them away
and we would spread butter with spoons
but you would always find loopholes
to shed your blood on the kitchen floor.
there was a time
that i feared hearing screams in the night
the morning would be agony
and i would go to school exhausted.
i rip at my hair and shriek sometimes
and i remember that time
it's your fault i'm like this
or maybe i just want to have a reason
jess Nov 2018
i'm a mile deep down in the mine
fallen in a birdcage
you're a mile high in the clouds
where i cannot see

there are soft voices
speaking words of lives i do not know
the paintings on the wall stare
waiting for something that will never happen

i'm in my place to ponder
in darkness and comfort
where i will think of all the things i could do
but will never find the will to climb to you
jess Oct 2018
leaves shaped like teardrops and hearts
i hear one fall softly to its death,
to the graveyard laden with previous victims
in a never-ending cycle
of springing to life
and falling to death
it repeats every year,
and yet something feels different
from the last time
as if...
between you, and i, and us
there is something here
that wasn't there before
something dark,
like the messy black feather separated from its bird
something empty,
like the abandoned wasp's nest.
something loud,
like the plane flying overhead.
something cold,
like the dead bird on the sidewalk.
something...
unfamiliar.
jess Oct 2018
restless sleep
if i'm not living in a vivid dream
i'm not living at all
my eyes won't close
tossing and turning endlessly in 5 am darkness
the transition between night and day becomes blurry
i don't know what day it is anymore
it's october already
and i forgot to change my calendar again.
yesterday it was may
and i was graduating
thinking maybe i could get it together
jess Sep 2018
i'm spinning around a handful of nails
i found in the backyard
i'm tempted to stab something with them
i hate this body of mine
i wish that i could hurt it
but i just don't have the guts
these nails would probably do the trick
but i sink one into the ground instead
a coward.
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