Your sheets
Are surprisingly attracted
To my tears

I had the most horrible dream last night
About you
And her

It was your wedding
I was helping set up
Why was I doing that?

It was dark that day
Dreary
It looked like rain

I went home to change and fix my hair
But didn't have enough time
So I came back
Just the same as before

I stood in the back as she walked down the aisle
In a pink dress
Who wears pink to a wedding?

She stood up there at the altar
With you
And you looked

So
Sad

I realized that when the preacher asked
If anyone had objections
That I would have to speak

I couldn't let you end up with her
I couldn't stand to see you be with her
Unhappy
Forever.

So the parson spoke
And then so did I
I didn't care if the whole town in attendance hated me

I would rather have people hate me than see you unhappy
So I spoke
And you know what happened?

She laughed
That lady who I used to go to church with
And then that was that.

He finished and you two were married
But then, you disappeared
And everyone forgot about you

The only attention anyone paid was to you
That is not how a marriage should be
It's two people
Not one.

I made sure she didn't hate me
I didn't speak out because of her
I spoke out because of you
And how I hate seeing you unhappy

But all I could think about was you
And how you were doomed to an unhappy life
For the rest of your days

And then I woke up
Freezing
And not just because the temperature had dropped in our room

Please don't let this be real.

Please let this be you putting up walls

But just the flimsy kind

The ones made with those cardboard bricks from kindergarten

The ones that will fall down with a simple touch.

Please let those actions be a big, fraudy front.

Fake

Please.

I'm begging you.

This is it.
I really ****** up this time.
I can't go back.
We can't go back.

I said the same things I've always been saying.
The words that get me close.
But never too close.
And this time, it wasn't just.
Your voice that broke.

Something inside did too.
The part that loves me.
I finally shattered it like I wanted to.

But I don't want to.
I didn't want to.
I take it back.
I love you.
I'll always love you.

Come back.

Don't walk out your door.
Don't tell me that you trust me to find my way out.
Don't leave.
Don't.

Please?

Don't be the dandelion fluff that blows away in the wind.
As if it were never there at all...

"Then, what is this?"
You asked.

The answer?
Hell if I know

That's a lie.
I do know.

It's everything I can give you right now.
All of me.

Except,
That's a lie too.

It's every part of me,
But a small bit.

That I keep.
To myself.

So I don't get hurt.
And you don't get too close.

So this
Is me protecting myself.

And hurting you.

You've been abused.
*****.
Had your heart torn out and toyed with.
Utterly ruined.
Thoroughly destroyed.
From the inside.
Out.

How dare I compared my pain to yours?
It's not even in the same realm.
We exist in different galaxies.

But not really at all.

It's like comparing lying and ******.
They're both sins.  
God despises the pair.
But only one
Seems worthy of ultimate despair.

So, how dare I compare?
I can't.
Not even close.
I just have to remember.
In each of us, something broke.

To me, hugging is so much more than
A simple embrace
It's a chance for me to connect with you
And share

If you're happy
I'll share in your joy
Let the happiness flit around my being
And soak it it

But not like a sponge,
I don't want to take it
More like a mirror
To let it be a part of me
And the reflect it back again at you
To increase
Always adding to

If you're sad, it's different
This will be a long touch
Me clinging to you, you clinging to me

Now is the time to be a sponge
I soak up all the bad
It's gone
You won't have it anymore
At least not in the same way

And that joy from the other times?
While the hurt flows from you into me
Through my left arm
My right is coursing with
Positivity and bliss
Straight into your soul

So next time we hug
Or even just touch
Know that it wasn't accidental
Or that it didn't mean anything
Because to both of us
It meant so very, very much

For most people
Dying is their biggest fear
And that
Is something I'll never understand.

I don't know why I should be afraid of going to live with my King
When he decides to call me home
Only good, shining happiness awaits for me

Sure, dying now would mean I miss somethings
I would never know marriage
Or children or grandchildren
But you can't miss something you've never had

I could leave right now and be happy
But what would make me the most content
Would be sacrifice

Each person has so much to contribute to the world
And if mine was to save someone's life
So they could change
Everything

I would be ecstatic
And that would make my life complete enough
For me to leave this earth
Fulfilled

It's not like I hate myself
I really don't
But I'll never understand
Why people would waste their breath
Or their time
On me

There are so many more noble things
And people that need more help
I have nothing really wrong with my life
Others should spend their time elsewhere

So save your breath
Conserve your words
Share them with someone else

Because it's not like I hate myself
I just don't need you to care.

There has to be a reason
That I can't let you
I won't allow you to escape
My mind

There has to be a reason
That no matter what I try
I am not able to love
Anyone else

There has to be a reason
That I still trust you
Even though you lied to me
Countless times

There has to be a reason
That I would give you another chance
I would open my heart
For you to break it all over again

When I like someone
I like to picture them
At the end of the aisle
In a tux and bow tie
Smiling at me
Like they will be
For the rest of my life

And so far,
You're the only one who was believable.

I hate you.
I really do.

I just wish
I hated you
More
Than I
Still
Love you

They say small towns stay small for a reason:
Everyone hates them so much that they don't come back.

But that's not true.

Small towns stay small because
They're filled with so many broken hearts that no one can possibly salvage
Those messy, ruined pieces
Into something that works again.

The vent in the room where I work is not working
It's failing
It's not doing its job
Vents are supposed to take all the bad air
And purify it
Different than it used to be
Make it new

But the one in HyVee must be broken
Because it just keeps recycling the same air
The stagnant memories from last summer
My frantic thoughts of what I did wrong
And how to get you back

Those got stuck
They became mold spores up in the cracks
Continuing to grow
Months,
Almost a year later
And they continue to circulate
Around the room
And in my mind

I'll have to talk to management
So we can get a new fan.

You know when I said I didn't think you would be able to function
Without me?
I was wrong.
So wrong.
It's me who couldn't do without you.

I love you so much.
And that's why I string you along.
That's why I have to keep you in love with me.
Because if you're not
You'll leave.

It won't be your fault either.
It will be mine.
For opening up and being stupid.
For doing so and knowing full well what will happen.
Eventually you'll have to stop caring about me
And my problems
And my happiness
And my rants.
You just will.

And then you won't be in love with me anymore
And then our relationship will change

It will gradually turn from the
Constant, steady rock it is to me now
Into crumbles
And then
To dust and
It will blow away in the wind
Before I even know
It broke.

And once again
I'll have opened up for nothing.
But it won't be your fault
I won't be mad
And eternity wouldn't be long enough
For you to wait
When I'll say,
*I don't love you.

Sometimes I wonder
Why?
Why am I so worried people will leave me?
It's because of
Chris
And Tanner
And Hayden

I let them get to me
Under my skin
I trusted them
So I opened up
And it felt good
And right and freeing

But look around me now.
They're not here
They learned all my quirks
And insecurities
What made me happy and sad
Smile and cry
And then they left
With barely a backwards glance

That's why I don't want you to go
Because South Carolina
Will bring you new people
People who are worth leaving me for.

Holding yourself in the shower
Waiting for tears to fall
Just
Isn't
The
Same
As having someone clinging to you
Waiting
To catch them when they fall.

I really wish I could make you stop loving me.

But I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. So don't. Don't stop.

You just joined a very elite group
You were first a member of the
Boys I've Liked Society
Then you moved onto the
Boys I've Kissed Club
But tonight you jumped through the ranks
Straight
To
The Top
By saying that one sentence
Something so small
But so hurtful
You made me cry with one
Simple
Spoken sentence
Only one other person has ever done that
So congratulations, Corporal
You've been promoted.

I thought you were different
And you were
Until you too hurt me
And just walked away.

I went to Rue 21
I wanted to get something new
To feel beautiful and well dressed
I chose things and went to the dressing room
One by one I tried them
I put things on
I tried to feel pretty
Elegant
Loved
But I couldn't do it
So I cried
Right there in the dressing room
Like a two year old who hasn't gotten her way
Because I hadn't
I hadn't' gotten my way
I didn't get to feel pretty anymore
And most importantly
I didn't get you

You're just another.
Another boy amongst the hordes of others
You're no different
No more tactful
No more helpful

You hurt me
And barely care
You didn't know what to do
Or say
So you walked away

You are just another
Who left

I'm trying to fill this page and
This world with words
That mean something.
They make a difference;
An impact.
They change the world
Shape a mind
Save a life.
They lift themselves from this
Small
White sheet and
Fill a room.
Jump into the air
Fill it with color and
Brightness
They're so much more than the
Black and
White text,
Letters and
Paper that contain them.
They're full.
They breathe life into the reader.
Inspire.
Change.
Influence.
Heal.
The letters take this broken reader,
YOU
Your problems.
They wrap you up.
Encase and
Surround you.
Breathing new,
Fresh air and thoughts through you.
May these words forever change you and
Your soul.
Let them enter your mind.
Give THEM the control.
Sure they're outsiders.
They don't know you.
Not yet, but only
Because they haven't gotten the chance.
They can make a difference.
I promise.
They sure did to me.
They freed my mind
And my heart.
I don't hurt so much anymore.
Things make more sense
All because these words became…
My friends.

He doesn't cling to you just because he loves you.

He holds you that close so you can't ever let go.

I talk so things make sense
I try and apply words to situations
I try and make people feel things
Help them understand and comprehend

I babble to fill the emptiness
In the air
In the world
In people's hearts

Words take up space
They're decorative fluff
Syllables I'm constantly filling
Just so no one calls my bluff

I don't know anything
I haven't a clue
Hopefully my talking helps someone, anyone
Know what to do

How could I not know?
Not sense your pain?
Not understand your low?
Why didn't you say?
How did I not notice?
Do you always keep things to yourself in that way?

How can I be so uncaring?
You listen to me
Never complaining, never comparing
You put up with my senseless babble
Words that don't really mean anything
Just stupid, girly, meaningless thoughts
You listen to me, never revealing your internal battle
You know everything about me
I know so little about you
What thoughts of pain fill your mind; what kind of debris

I thought we were friends
The very best kind
We shared ice cream and secrets
But now I realize that bond is all in my self-centered mind
I was so selfish
And it's all my fault
I never knew life for you had been so hellish

I hope you tell me why
I hope you open up
I hope you yell and scream and cry
Tell me what's been eating your guts
Hold nothing back
Explain every one of the deep cuts

What made it happen?
Who could it be?
How could something your joy ever flatten?
What's going on in your brain?
I don't understand
Tell me everything, do not refrain

Tell me, trust me
Just don't slip back into that dark place again
My steadfast loyalty is a guarantee
Just like Jake
I can be here too
That pain can be something I finally shut up and take.

I hate movies.
I hate stories.
Fantasies.
Happy endings.
They lie
They say,
"Don't worry
You'll defy the odds
You'll make it
That stupid
Worthless
Meaningless
Fake
High school relation ship will last.
Jump headfirst into love
You won't get hurt
He'll love you forever
At seventeen you've decided your future
It doesn't matter
This is it
This will work
Just like a fairytale
You're Cinderella
And he's your prince."
Stop.
Stop lying to little girls
Stop telling them,
"It's not that hard
All you have to do it be yourself
You'll find someone.
He'll be everything.
He'll fix you .
He'll help you.
He'll drop everything for you.
You two being together is the only thing that matters.
Love will always win."

Just once I want to see a movie without a happy ending.
The girl falls
Hard.
So does the boy.
But then things get in the way.
Friends.
College.
Life.
And suddenly
Love is no longer available
It's over for the boy.
But not the girl.
She gets her heart ripped out
Shattered.
Her world is turned upside down.
People would cry.
Feel her pain.
The audience would shed tears
Not because they wished they could have a love like hers
But because they hope they never have to feel that
That they never have to experience that.
Because it reminds them of real, difficult life
There would be no floating words saying,
"And they lived happily ever after"
There would be no happy music
Just rain
And pain
And tears.
But at least it would be real
Everyone would finally stop lying.

To the tears escaping:
Stop.
Stay.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Don't go.
Stay inside.  
It's been like
Six months
Why now?
I don't what's going on.
I'm not sure what's happening.
Stay in my eyes.
Keep my irises company.
Don't leave.
That happens enough.

To the thoughts swirling around in my mind:
You too.
Stop.
You're bad and you know it.
You'll hurt me.
You'll break my heart again.
I don't need you.
You're useless.
You're only good for pain.
And loss.
So unlike my tears.
Feel free to see yourself to the door.

To the feelings my heart:
You too can leave.
You're unwelcome.
You're even worse than the thoughts
Because you're real.
You are the ones who hold the real power.
The power to cause so much more.
More pain than thoughts.
More pain than tears.
More pain than a slip on the ice.
A knife cut too deep.
More pain than being burned alive.
Because this is scorching from the inside.

What is happening?
I'm afraid.
I've started crying again
Because I was frustrated
Because of someone else's failed relationship
Because Forrest's moms died
Movies and stupid feelings
They're nothing
Why was I crying?
What's happening to me?
I don't cry.
I cried for two months
All those tears for you
For us
What didn't work
What should have happened
Those were real reasons
A movie is nothing
Being irritated is nothing
Nothing
Nothing is anything compared to how I felt then
After those two months I quit
I quit crying
Forever
Not graduation
Not movies
Not pain
Nothing
Because nothing could hurt as much
As you hurt me
So I stopped crying
Until a month ago
And now I'm scared
I've shed tears
What is wrong?
What's happening to me?

I thought I was strong.

Kissing you seemed like such good idea
Our faces were close
You were holding me
I was holding you back
You said,
"You have no idea how hard it is to control myself right now."
So I thought,
"Don't."
I threw caution to the wind
And I kissed you
There weren't rockets
No explosions
I wasn't even really nervous
That freaked me out
I pulled away and cried
Partly because I wasn't as confused as I should have been
Partly because it confirmed some things
I'm a horrible person for kissing you
And doing it twice at that
I'm going to ruin you
Break your heart
Not on purpose
But I will
And it will hurt me too

I like you.
But only kinda.

You love me.
With all your heart.

That's a problem.

I'm an actress
Everyday
I put on my mask and go out in the world
I act like I don't care
Like I'm fine
Like it doesn't really bother me
Like every single couple doesn't get in my head
Like it doesn't hurt me to say your name
On stage, I'm not as good
My "real" emotions don't come across as well
I can't cover up the mask I wear everyday with another one
A fake one
I'm artificial enough as it it
I'm superficial
I don't let people in
They know as much as I want them to and no more
People will never understand
I'm a world class thespian
But no one knows

There is something about you
There is a deep darkness lurking all too close to the surface
You cut those lines and let it out
Let the blades trace a path for the pain to follow
You let it escape
But the fleeing darkness invites in something worse
Thoughts that say
Deeper
Deeper
It wouldn't be too difficult to end it all
But don't
Don't do it
Know there is brightness waiting for you
Maybe I can be that light
Show Jesus into your life
Just be a friend
A small glimmer of hope in the darkest of nights
I can be that for you
You don't even have to ask

Your truck knows it all
It contains our whole relationship
It knows the beginning, middle and end

I loved seeing those lights
Knowing you were driving to come pick me up
It made me really happy
And sometimes
Even a little nervous
But in a good way

In the summertime
We had the windows rolled down because it was hot
In the winter it was cold
But we'd find a place to park and make it July warm
I almost lost my innocence in that passenger seat

We did so much in that truck
We talked
Laughed
Shared
Kissed
Argued
Cried
Stressed
Freaked out
Held each other
Loved

That truck knows it all
Those camouflage seat covers still hold our passionate sweat
The drooping brownish red ceiling absorbed all our words, feelings and keeps them there
Even today
The plastic in front of the gas gauge doesn't feel as whole without one of my pictures covering it
The center console probably still holds one of my notes
Saying how much I love about you
Who knows, the glovebox still may hold my garter
The lace with a tear on it from prom
When the truck heard you say you didn't care anymore

That truck holds everything
All the feelings and emotions
Maybe not so close to the surface anymore
But it will never forget the stuff you've let yourself unremember
That maroon Chevy still loves me
Even if you don't.

Six months ago was prom
Our anniversary
A year and three months
It certainly hadn't been perfect, but it was perfect for me

Six months ago I was happy
You made me grin from ear to ear
I had a permanent smile
Whenever anyone mentioned your name
My heart would fill with pride

Six months ago I was living a lie
You had quit a while ago
You just drug it out because you weren't sure
You weren't sure about her

Six months ago you moved on
You found someone else
You dumped me in your camouflage seat
And that was that

Six months ago you got over it
Six  months later I'm still hanging on

When we're together
I can pretend
I can act like I don't care
Talk to you like you're nothing
Like you don't affect me
Like it doesn't hurt anymore
I can pretend I'm happy you're working things out with her
But when I look at your face and close my eyes
It all comes back
I can remember the feel of your skin on mine
The shape of your lips
Lovingly enveloping mine
I can feel our hands intertwined
I remember what your hug feels like
How I could squeeze you tight and feel your bones
I still remember the exact feeling of my fingers on your jaw
Just like it was yesterday
It was six months ago today
And I still can't forget
I don't think I ever will

You're sweet
You make me laugh
You have great hands
You're dense as hell
I want you to hold my hand
All the time
Walking into your room was great
I could see how childish and fun you are
But I'm worried
I want you to know what you're doing
I don't want to get hurt because of your lack of experience
I can't see us together
Because I can't see myself opening up like I need to
I can't
I won't
I'm scared.

You look like someone I could fix
We could talk
Share
Be broken together

That's my thing
Fixing people is my specialty
I give advice
Counsel
Help them

If only if it were that easy
For me

I shouldn't have done it
I should have never told you
I opened the door
Things escaped
They ran out and invaded my brain
Again
I shut the door
But couldn't quite put everything back
Where it was before

I like being happy
I like laughing
Smiling
Having tears roll down my cheeks is joy

I like being happy
Having fun
Hanging out
Just being with people I love

I like being happy
I don't like being sad

And that's why I write.

No
Don't text me
I can't do this
We can only be friends
I can't have you as my identity
Commitment is out of the question
I won't be able to love you
I'm too broken
I can't truly care
It won't happen
I won't let it
I don't even know who I am
How am I supposed to know who "we" are
Or would be
It's easier to not care
So I won't
Not now