How do I tell my brain to stop?
I get in these moods when I should be happy.
So much is good right now,
but that one comment keeps sticking.
My dumb brain won’t stop fixating.

Sometimes I do small things,
small enough people don’t notice.
I pinch my wrist,
I pull my hair.
I let piercings close-
only to pierce them again.
I seek out so much pain-
so much hurt-
because it helps me feel again.

Lately I’ve been having trouble breathing.
Everything around me closes in;
it swells up leaving no room.
It gets so tight that no air
could possibly squeeze through.
And then I pass out.
Only it doesn’t stop.
I keep waking,
endlessly struggling for air-
only to pass out in a panic.

I’m surrounded and alone.
These figures try to communicate,
but they never try to come closer.
I can’t understand a word they say.
I see their mouths move,
but that’s all that happens.
Their mouths move,
and they remain stagnant.
I try to communicate with hands,
I try to communicate with action ,
but they turn around and refuse to watch.

How can they hope to communicate
if they won’t meet me halfway?

I miss those moments,
but I would not change our ending.

Sometimes I feel as if you stole a part of me away with you.
You took the very essence of my soul with you when you left.
I didn’t think it was a permanent ending, of course, neither of us ever did.
Each time we parted, it was never the end.
And now it is, and I no longer have air to breathe.
The fire that once sparked us both and lit up our the passionate flames of our souls belongs only to you now.

Be passionate for me, even if it is not with me.

When i am asked who was my first love
I do not name that girl  in 2020
I speak the name of a woman who is just so heavenly.
Five albums have become my whole life scriptures
Her voice fills my ears so full that I feel exactly what she did when she put pen to paper.
A striking look to match her voice, her flowing red hair and vintage gowns.
She has become my escape , my anchor, my companion, when I need help I know with her music I know I'm much safer.
Words sung in celebration of femininity and fairytale, folklore and fantasy.
Fans line the barrier in flower crowns and glitter on their faces ready to give themselves, as human sacrifices to that lady singing and dancing on stage.
Every song feels like a comfort blanket but alse a wave of intense emotion.
She has given me not just music but a wider connection to other people who live for the euphoria.
I know I wouldn't be me without her music, and what it has done for me.
You are truly magical, Florence and the machine ✨️.

I have reached the end.
My skin ripped off, my nerves ready to be eaten, my guts being burned.
I feel empty motionless pain recurring.
Intensely overwhelmed, formidable fatigue, exhaustion, constant hollowness lurking around my soul.
EMPTY.
ALONE.
MISERY HAS TAKEN ME TO DARKER DEPTHS THAT I HAVE NEVER LURKED.
Suicidal again.
Nihilism has not even seen my darkest day.
Fake happiness.
Deception to cover up the sacred scars ridden within.
I am horrified.
Reaped of deadly hallows, nothing but sadness, constant pain.
Tears of blood soak my pillow every night 🌙

Waking up with a fake smile so I never frown.
Exploding in volatile anger and screaming until my lungs pop open.
My emotions are raw, open and ready to be at war.
I am not weak, but I am not happy.
I am guarded, protecting myself at all deadly costs.
Anxious, in panic.
In the lair, in my prison.
Locking myself away.
The devils demons living around me.
HATE.
THATS ALL I FEEL.
ENERGY IS DRAINED.

I ****** HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Cut me with my sharpened knife.
Deeply scarred, damaged 💔

I just don't care anymore.
I want it all to end.
Why be forced to live in this prison?
This earth, living as a human.
I hate humans.
I hate having to escape every ****** ****** day just to prevent myself from thinking what I actually feel because its so ****** true and real.

I'm trapped on this earth and I can't get out.
How did Amy winehouse **** herself?
How did they all do it?
I've tried, many times, yet too scared to feel the pain before death.
I want to die.
My lives have been lived.
I have seen enough.
I want out.
Stop torturing me!!!!!!!
Conversations from others that I hear constantly.
They always talking about me.
I don't want to hear it.
I want to be left alone.
I don't like the people here.
I feel ****** alone and empty.
COMPULSIVE CLEANING AND WORKING TO ESCAPE THE REALITY.
THIS IS MY REALITY, THIS IS MY LIFE.

For my time has ended, my death is overdue