That's what it's about
With BPD
The risks you take
And stupidity

The anxiety,
And unwelcome mentality
That's what it's about
With BPD

Three shots of whiskey
And a glass of wine
Throw back a couple pills
I'm sure I'll be fine.

That's what it's about
With BPD
The risks, stupidity,
And anxiety.

I still take a ***
Every now and again
......
More like whenever
I possibly can.

Anxiety is up
Depression in such a down
I am such a joke,
Circling around and around.

Nicotine
You little fiend
You calm me down,
And rot my teeth
I know I regret it,
But every time we meet,
The twitches stop
And my mind stops it's rot

I'll still take a ***
Every now and again
I'll smoke them slow
I'll smoke them fast
Until my body is smoke and ash.

How cute we were,
Elementary.
How innocent we were,
No worries.

Seeing you for the first time
In about a decade.
Your familiar smile,
Your dimples didn't fade.

Childhood friend,
I remember you.
My childhood friend,
Remembers me too.

I am so glad for familiar smiles
And dimples that never fade.

I am
A pessimist.
I never hope
For the best.
My goals are low
As are my dreams
All broken
Before they started
Like the nonexistent
You and me.

When you think celebrity,
You think an athlete,
Or a musician, probably.

I think ******.
Famous serial killers,
And unexpected homicides.

****** will live in infamy.
As will Charles Manson.
They surpass every "celebrity"
No one will be able forget them.

So here's to them,
The devil's children.
May their names live forever,
Unlike their victims.

Dumb *****.
Is what you said.
Dumb *****.
Is what you meant.
This Dumb *****
Gave you head
More brains than you ever had.

Fry your brain some more
Dumb *****
Blacken your lungs some more
Dumb *****
**** a *****
You Dumb ******* *****

You should watch what you say
I'll make you pay.
Not now,
Not soon,
But I will,
When you come crawling back,
That day.

Insignificant worm,
Look at you squirm.
What are you going to do,
Without the pity
Of some teenage girl.
You disgusting germ.
You twist my words,
Just like your body,
You insignificant worm.

I will not mourn
I have nothing to learn
I'll continue to purge
to rid myself
Of emotions
For some insignificant worm.

My boy,
My man,
My guy.

How long it's been since I've seen you,
So playful and alive.
How long it's been since we've been,
So peaceful and not crying.

My boy is back,
And he wants to play.
He wants to bite, and run away.
Like a small child with a crush,
Your cuteness turns me to mush.

My boy.
My sweet and happy boy.
Who thought I could make you
So happy.
Without being your toy.

How empty I've become.
Not happy,
Not sad.
Just blank and deserted.
I am
f
   l
      o
          a
              t
                  i
                      n
                          g
through life.
No meaning,
No thoughts.
A rare goal,
Maybe.

Look how empty I have become.

Is it bad to want to be dependent?
I don't want to be able to stand on my own.
Is it wrong to be socially ignorant?
I would really just rather be alone.

Would I?
No, that can't be.
I want to be alone with you.
And you with me.

To be completely alone,
Scares me.
To be cared for too much,
Petrifies me.

I want to be alone,
Yet scared to be so.
I want to be liked,
Never loved.

I never think I'm good enough,
Yet I am better than her.

What a contradiction,
I must be.

Half empty
Half full
Half dirt
Half blood
Clean shoes
No mud.

Dreaming of your demise
Your pitifully starved body.
You begging for your life,
How funny.

You took mine,
I take yours.
Eye for an eye.
Sores for sores.

How sweet it was,
To be at your feet.
How beautiful it was,
Nothing could compete.

How long I've waited,
To be at your mercy.
Oh, to be your sweet pet.
To be in your arms,
Wrapped in warmth,
Like the very first night we met.

Love, sweet love.
Fruitful and kind.
Love has made me,
Lose my mind.
Why would I even want to find,
My lost and lonely
Troubled mind?

Love has made me so blind,
To the trials and troubles,
Of my life.
So I thank you love.
So sweet and kind,
For chasing away,
My troubled mind.

I remember when I would cry
Thinking of my life.
How I wouldn't make it
To sixteen.
How I'd more than likely
Die.

Now I'm almost there
Only five months
To go.
How have I survived?
How has "god" let
The devil roam?

Maybe I'm just as nonexistent
As he.

What if I was tired?
Too tired to try?
What If I lost my mind?
Too crazy to even find?

Would you love me in my cold sweat state?
Could you love me when I saw something that wasn't there,
Something utterly fake?

How will you react when,
I wake up in the middle of the night,
And ask you to check under the bed spread?
The bed spread covering that mirror.

You will get sick of it.
You will call me a child.
You'll call it *******.

You will get tired.
Too tired to try
Because I've lost my mind,
And I'm too crazy,
To even try to find.

I miss talking to him
I miss asking him how his day was.
I miss him
I miss David.

I wish I would have kept my mouth shut
About the childhood secrets but,
You had to know,
To understand,
That this was not all because,
Of one pig of a man.

I was beaten before.
I was much more broken
All the heart strings
Torn.
My life was,
Nearing its end.

I know I hurt you,
So badly too.
And I wish I could
Fix me.
So I could fix you.
And we can be together,
Just us two.

I miss my David.
David, I miss you

Everyday.
I sit with you
In a never ending sea
Of algebra two.

How I wish we were as simple
As solving these problems.
One question at a time.
With an answer,
Or many answers,
Or no answer at all.

Now that I think about it,
This isn't that simple.
This doesn't always have an answer.
Are we pi?
A never ending, irrational number?

Well, I am definitely irrational,
Being with you.
But maybe you,
Maybe us,
Is the only real
Thing I would really find happiness in.
I know you feel that way too.

I'll be pi with you,
Pi is real.
Pi is something.
Pi exists.

They say you hurt
The ones you love
The most.
I wonder how true
That must be.

I can't even bear to think
Of hurting you.
Yet you give out hurt
Like its a hobby.

With all the pain
You've put me through
You must love me
More than I could ever
Love you.

Something keeps me here.
Something ties me down.
Something allows this.
Something tells me it's okay.

You keep me here.
You tie me down.
You allow this.
You tell me it's okay

They tell me to run.
They tell me to escape.
They tell me to say no.
They tell me it's wrong.

I want to be here.
I want to stay.
I want to say yes.
I want it to be okay.

But it wouldn't hurt,
If it was,
Would it?

I am to blame,
For your shattered, broken heart.
The way I ****** with you,
Must have been an art.

I'm not boasting or bragging,
Though I am quite proud,
That through all of this,
I've not been around.

So disturbed,
So vile,
So disgusting,
And wrong.
But I lured you right in,
With ******* and a thong.

Maybe I don't have feelings,
That I'm imagining all of this.
Maybe I'm already dead,
And this is the hell I am bound in.

If only I could fix,
A broken heart,
With a warm mouth.
I'd be living without all the fault,
All the doubt.

Am I a girl?
A boy?
Am I a lover?
A toy?

What am I?

A *****?
A ****?
A disturbed girl but,
Stitched together with good intentions.

I wanted to love,
I wanted to die.
I wanted to be truthful.
To you, I couldn't lie.
I tried,
Oh I tried,
But I'm still a disturbed girl inside.

Don't ******* touch me.
Don't surprise me.
Don't scare me.
Don't sneak up on me for jokes.

I don't like being touched.
You don't deserve the mercy I'm giving.
You are lucky you're still living.
You are a stranger.
I don't even know your name.

DON'T. *******. TOUCH. ME.

What are you going to do,
When you become the wicked?
The sick.
The twisted.
When you can't manipulate your little girls?
When I get sick of this unrewarding lifestyle,
Living for your word?
What are you going to do,
When you become the wicked?

What are you going to do,
When you lose me?
What girl would still take you?
After all,
All you do is compare her to me.

The wicked,
That's you.
The submissive,
That's me.

I'm all you've looked for,
I'm the kind of *** you need.

Another cigarette gone.
Right down to the filter.
My pain now is strong,
Are you wanting to **** her?

That girl you love,
And said you'd never abandon.
That's what this is.
That's what you've done.
I'm alone.
I'm abandoned.
You've lost my trust
and killed my love.

A carton down,
Am I trying to die?
I'm going to have a smokers cough.
For the rest of my life.
I'm nauseous,
I hate,
I'm abandoned.
And you're to blame.

I miss you
I love you
I want to know you're here.
But you're gone
You've left
And I'm stuck drowning in my tears.

Your feelings are perplexing,
When I'm not *******.

Your affection is amiss,
I'm sure.

Do you know what you've fallen for?
The monster that you're feeding?
I don't want to hear that you love me,
I just want a firm beating.

You've seemed to have strayed from the trail,
My dear.
You've seemed to have lost your way.
No one will hear your wails,
My dear.
No one will find my prey.

That itch in your arm.
That twitch in your hand.
This time I,
Must take a stand.

I will not be controlled by a small blade.
I will not be pushed around by hollowed out shame.
**** that stained steel.
That malicious little fiend.
All he wants is the blood,
But release is what I need.

How comforting it is,
To feel the pain go.
To watch all my worries spill out.
The memories of this,
Etched on my vessel,
I just couldn't live without.

They start to fade,
I feel the need.
To make a brand new friend.
For weeks it will heal,
Months it will fade,
And then the whole process again.

What do I do?

With Beautiful skin,
Broken bones.

The beautiful skin, the lovely mask.
With the broken bones, the structures cracked.

Why can only you make me smile?
I need your love for just a little while.

Baby, please.
I'm breaking down.
I loved you once,
And you let me drown.

I am stuck.
Stuck with loving you.
No one compares.
Everyone is scared.

I love you.

Can't you
Love me too?

Those little orange bottles,
Who drown the bedside table.
A melting *** of colors and shapes,
I obviously am not stable.

Only a few,
Was all mom ever knew,
Before I went to sleep.
She soon found me,
Covered in *****,
Passed out in a bundle of sheets.

Oh, how rude.
I am being so vile.
I really haven't talked about this,
In quite the longest while.

Maybe I need more pills.
More pills to 'help' me survive.
More therapy,
More pity.
Oh, no thank you,
I'll be fine.

Moving on.
I hate the phrase.
You just don't understand,
That my mind is a maze.

I'm alone and I'm scared.
I need someone to be there.
To tell me it will be okay,
After I've dreamt of you.

Do you not yet realize,
How bad it hurts
To have to get out of bed?

I don't have the luxury of wallowing in these sorrows.
I have to spend 7 hours thinking about you,
And normal high school things.
Then go home, just to think of you more.
  
You just don't understand.

What are these scars worth?
These dark purple lines.

Can I show you them,
And be an inspiration?

Can I cover them,
And be a coward?

What if I darken them?
Will that make me insane?

Oh and if I cross bridges,
Instead of going up stream,
That makes me a fake.
A liar.
An attention *****.
An emo.
A weakling.

Well look at you.
You must be very strong.
Very impossibly strong.
Or maybe you just weren't caught in a battle,
Because your blown up head couldn't make it out of the castle.

I don't know what I want,
I don't know what I am,
No wonder I don't care.
I really don't know if this is something I should share.

I lost my mind a long time ago.
Some where along the line.
Forgetting how old I am.
Forgetting what day it is.
Maybe something is wrong with me.

How dare I talk of love,
When I've destroyed the very meaning?
Maybe I really don't have feelings.
I'm not honest.
I'm not trustworthy.
I'm not sweet,
Or kind,
Or nice,
Or loving.
I don't know how you could even stand me.

It's not like I hurt people on purpose,
Though I usually want to.
It's not that I want to be lonely,
But I'd see life much clearer.

What am I even doing?
Wasting my time writing this,
So a few people I know skim it?
I want criticism.
I want critique.
I want to be told I'm an absolute terrible person,
But entirely unique.

I'm so static.

Hair splitting,
Nail chipping,
Anemic and
Hungry for your affection.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why must I be addicted to the agony you inflict?
I just want a cure.
An antidote to your poison.

I've tried to forget you.
The farther I stray, the more unstable I become.
I've tried to replace you.
But my knight in shining armor hasn't come.

I'll write forever of my pain,
Things you will never read,
Things you have never read.
I don't even cross your mind.

Still,
With more and more pain,
I cannot let you go.
I cannot give up.
I'm stuck.

Go ahead and take me,
Knock me down a few notches.
I'm slowly being broken down,
And around everyone watches.
Look at me run back,
Right back into your toxic arms.
Wrapping me in warm caress,
Preparing my heart for new scars.

I just can't stay away.
Your steady breaths,
Musical talent,
Barreling eyes.
What makes me stay?

Though you've changed so slightly,
More swindle, less might, maybe?
Without a secure purpose,
I fly straight towards you.
Wanting to be needed,
Wanting to make you pleased.
Even with my joy from that,
The pain I have won't cease.

You'll never care.
And no one will ever see,
Why even when you ignore,
I fly,
towards you,
with ease.

Me likes to play games,
video and board.
Is okay with small company,
In crowds is sickened more.
More than when she is sitting alone,
pondering on her own thoughts.
In her own toxic zone,
gazing upon scars from battles once fought.

Myself is alone.
And likes it that way.
Stuck in a habit of going astray.
Is surrounded in a bubble of fright,
Keeping it up with all her might.
Without it starts nervous paces.
Lonely things, in lonely places.
Where no one else knows or can find her.

I is vain.
I is perfect...
Until someone else agrees...
Self-absorbed and egotistical,
Sees only what SHE wants to see
Go ahead and challenge her,
She knows you'll come crawling back.
With no mercy at all,
Leaving you among the rats.

Welcome to the life,
Of Me, Myself, and I.
Analyze my words,
See who you have met,
Maybe even grown attached to...
And notice now, what thought of
Me, Myself, and I
Have left in you...

A sickness I can't fight,
A virus that's no bark, just bite.
I'm sad.  
I'm alone.
I'm afraid and feel forgotten.
Is that what I am destined to be without you?
Just a sad girl tripping down the road of her own life?
Being physically ill from depression,
Feeling the new aches travel,
From my soul, to my vessel.
I hurt.
I cry.
I'm afraid and feel forgotten.

What I wish I had said, 
When it would have meant the most.
When we were lying there together.
So raw, so close.

If I would have just let my soul speak true, 
I wouldn't feel so terrible, 
Sleeping alone. 
I wanted to tell you,
The missing words in my mouth.
I fought and I fought,
But they just wouldn't come out.

For richer or for poor,
In sickness and in health.
You are the one.
Never anyone else.

I miss you already,
I want you even more.
These feelings are pressing,
Breaking me down to the core.

I love you. 
Oh, I love you, I do.
The missing I love you,
Way past due.
Passion deep and passion true,
My heart, my soul, 
Will be filled with you.

Amazing,
What we've turned into.
I'm breathless.
It's how you leave me.
In awe, flattered, spoiled, living.
All of this, drawing me closer and closer to you.
Quickening my breath when you're near.
Waiting for you to wrap me in your arms,
That warmth only you can give me.

Having a permanent spot on your bed,
Your chest, where I'll lay my head.
Hot showers together before we see friends.
Walking together, hand in hand.
No one to speak, reprimand.

One day.
One day I won't have to wish. 

For David, For you.
Oh, what I would do.

A chronic sickness,
So sick in the head.
Lost in my hate,
Getting pleasure from dread.
What you have done to me, 
I am so grateful.
Made me cold, disconnected, 
This feeling, so sweet.
Before I was weak, in every eye and heart.
With just a few words I was torn apart.
With what you've done I'm not right in the head,
My feelings are pushed into something else, 
Lust, anger, and numbness instead.
Thank you for making me mad.
So completely insane.
Life seems so much better, 
Without a functioning brain...

This oddity so rare, and unaccustomed to me
My 'family' is one of hate.
Of disrespect and fist fights.
Broken and filled to the brim in grudges. 
When we all have opinions, no one budges.

Such a normality to hear rinsing of knuckles after a fired conversation.
Is this family?
Can growing up with this be childhood?
Maybe this is why I feel much older than I am. 
Feeling much more than my years. 

Raised in a fired household,
A home up in blaze.
No one in this family even seems phased,
....
But I, I am.

I'm afraid. 
Simple as that.
Just irrational fear.
Complex in the cracks.

The dark envelops me.
Blinding me and quickening my heart.
Even though a game, I start to scream.
Trying to rip this closet door apart.
The tears dampening my face.
My breathing changing pace.
My mind plays games just like the others.
I cant even steady my hands.

Then light. 
Sweet, forgiving, white knight in the form of a filament.
I wipe my face, realizing the blood that covered my fingers.
Where was this savior that had been sent?
His smell lingers.

He stood tall. 
Dark.
Faceless.
His hand brushes my face,
My neck,
*****, 
I look up to see a familiar, yet unnamed, face. 
His pernicious smirk haunts me.
Swift air brushes past my face followed by sharp sting.
He leans into me, his lips touching my ear,
His tone is sarcastic and grave.
"Welcome back, slave"

I have just met you, and have already judged myself for you.
Should I be thinner for you? 
I have just met you, and have already become addicted.
Should I give up on you?

I dont feel adequate.
I dont feel worthy.

To tell the truth, I want to be more.
I want to be more than just a common harlot
I want to be important to you. 

I want to have *** with my Lover.
Not my **** buddy. 
I need rough coitus,
And heartwarming cuddles.

I need all that you are.

Foggy windows, 
Breath dense with smoke.
Steamy eyes,
And wanting throats.

Give me your all, show me how you lust.
Bringing me to the edge and watching me bust.
Wet ******* and smirks, for the rest of the night.
Being red in the face for,
What seems, 
Is the rest of my life. 

You take me away and succumb me,
With just the essence of you.
Your whispered word and guided hand,
I still can't believe its true

Even now as I lay lone. 
I squirm at the thought of you.
Your kisses, your words, and every ******* thing you do.
I can barely contain the hunger I have,
As it shows in my eyes.
I'm just a starving lust-stricken animal,
Without it I'm not alive.

I'm a broken
Shattered,
Sharp piece of mirror.
I'm a worthless,
Pointless,
Shell filled with horror.

Without you I'm lost,
Can't find my place.
I have no reason
You cant be replaced.

You are what makes my day bright,
But fill my dreams with fright.
Your eyes order me, and my life
not to mention the breaths you make
The risks you take
The insecurities you break.
You are what has made me, me.

How do you expect me to know what to do,
Without You?

Being yours.
It's being held safely,
While being beaten sternly. 

Being taken apart,
But held together.
Getting to the edge,
But never jumping.

Your looks from across the room,
reminding me of your dominance.
Your gentle touches to my face,
Telling me how much you cherish me.

All of this and more.
The prize and punishment,
The pleasure and pain,
Of being Yours.

All I seem to be able to do
Is sit around and cry about You
I'm not sure why
When You've yet to leave me permanently 
But the voice in my head still screams indefinitely 

I wonder why I am crying, then...
What has left me so empty and unsatisfied?
I assumed a time or two
That it's because I can't think of a time I cherished more, 
Than the time I've spent with You, 

My stomach whirls with early memories of "us" 
Quickly followed by a chronic sickness of You momentarily forgetting me.
I can't stable myself, when Youve left me so lifeless.
When Yours was all I ever wanted and want to be.

You know that feeling..
When your breathing stops,
But your heart still races.
When your eyes are closed,
But you can still see what's going on around you.

That's what it's like being with Him.
When his hands are around your throat,
But kisses you at the same time.
When he turns you away from Him,
But you know exactly what his expression is.

Trying to satisfy a never ending thirst.
Hoping you've done well when He doesn't look at you after.
Thinking you look disgusting but He reminds you otherwise.
Just to degrade you later.

A never-ending cycle of love, and disgust
Disgust, to lust
From lust to loving
Never ending. 
Always repeating and eating at me.
Making tears, laughter, moans, 
And those little kisses you wish you could save.

You know that feeling..

Adieu, my dearest.
From the depths of my heart.
I can't bear to stay, when we're always apart.

Adieu, my darling.
I know it's unfair..
But i just can't get use to having someone who cares.

Adieu, my lover
But I need a dapper fellow, who's a tad bit shallow
But only because He deserves to be.
Who lurks in the hollows,
And makes sure no one follows 
And tries to convince me,
That he is why I cry in the night,
And why in every dream His face provokes fright.

Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu.
It's always been me, 
Its never been you,
But you were too blind to even start to see,
The firery passion building within me.
He's my rock, whom I can't live without.
Even though everyone has their doubts.
On why I feel so strongly for Him,
Why I follow his every whim.
I care, I say.
I just care a lot.
Even though I know Ill never have a shot..
at anything but,
Adieu, 
Adieu, 
Adieu.

Look in the mirror and what do you see?
The same gleaming girl, who anyone could be?
A boy with bruises, everyone fails to see?
Or a '****' who's home life is shrouded in secrecy?

How about a girl, with a painted on smile?
Who's silent cries for help could be heard for miles.
The scars on her wrist are all just a part,
Of healing the gashes all over her heart.

11/11 rolls around, 
All she wishes for is one less pound
Picks at the food she was given for dinner,
Hoping one day she'll finally be thinner.

She cries over that guy she thinks about,
Who'd kiss her in private but never take her out.
She is manipulated day by day.
She knows this part but, of course, she stays.

Everything he says to her, makes her sore,
But somethings he says just make her heart warm
She'll never be good enough for that boy or her peers.
If she isn't good enough for that girl in the mirror.