seven different alarms to wake you up
Sleep through all
But the one screaming at you
To head to work.

****!!!
Run around the house
trying to get ready
Gunna be late!

RUN!
run to work
jog, fast walk
whatever it takes!

FALL!!!
Trip and fall
Twisting ankle
Not even half way there
Limp painfully all the way to work

Swollen ankle
pain radaiting up the leg
Tears coming down.

Soda explosion
all over the desk
barely missing the keyboard!

Saturday misfortune
Has fallen upon me

****** Saturday work days

Cant freaking stand them

It's been five years today
since you left my life.
To live in the great unknown

My big brother
My best friend
The person who knew
just how to make me laugh
when I was down in the blues

You were so full of life
Your heart so full of love
My memories of you
will never fade.

Running around like Psychos
in the Target store down town
Taking posters and sword fighting
riding on the tricycles.

Sleepovers at my dads
That the grown ups didn't know about
even though they were in the next room

confiding in you secrets
I had never told a soul.
Confiding in me the fear
you never let show.

But then you were ripped away
Taken from me to soon.

Its been five years
and the pain of losing you
has never gone away.

He taught me how to love again.
To Open my heart to someone.
He gives me the respect that I never knew before.
He treats me like I'm his number one priority.

In his arms is where I find my safe place.
I can break down and cry and know it's OK.
He's there for me no matter what.
His love for me is greater then anything.

Whenever I'm around him my heart starts skipping beats.
I can barely control my urges to kiss him.
When I'm with him I can't help but say "I Love You."
But I really want to say "I'm in love with you."

His touch sends shivers of longing down my spine.
When he kisses me I always ache for more.
With him I can let my guard down.
And finally be the real me.

Love use to scare me, But with him I embrace it.
He makes me feel alive.
With him I feel safe, Like nothing can hurt me.
And I know this is only the beginning.

Widow open
With my arms open wide
Whipping wind
weaving in and out of my fingers
and into my tangled hair
Look up at the pale full moon
breathing in the burning fields

and its moments like this

that I'm so happy I'm alive

You were
my own perfect piece
of Paradise


Why
would you think
being just friends
would suffice

Nothing I do is good enough
It feels like I am a punching bag for them
Yell at me, pick on me, critic me
tear me down go ahead
When I fight back to defend myself I get
"You just have to get the last word don't you?"

Well here I am getting the last word
I"M SORRY!!!!!!

I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry I don't do what you like
I'm sorry I'm me and not who you want me to be
I'm sorry I don't fit into you're world perfectly

This is who I am I'm not going to change
Are you going to love me less?
I'm terrified you will....
I'm terrified you'll throw me away
toss me aside and give up on me

Please don't I'm begging you.
I promise I'll be better
I promise I will be a good girl
Just don't give up on me
Please stop yelling at me

You may not care, or think I'm being dramatic
But it hurts me when you do,
Your words and you're yelling
your nit picking and criticising
They tear me down and shred my self conscious

I've got enough stuff to worry about
I don't need you pileling on top of it
I love you Mama But you keep tearing me down,
I don't know what else to do or say

so Here is my last word
**I'M SORRY!!!

He looks up at me with pleading eyes.
I stare down at him with a harsh glint in mine,
a cruel smile spread across
my ruby red lips.

kneeling at my feet
groveling his sorrows
begging his regreat.

I just stare down at him
thoughts swirling around
my sadistic riddled brain.

I unfurl the whip
letting it slowly make its way to the floor
a Sudden sharp cruel snap
rings through the air.
As I slap it against the ground

*I am your mistress Now

Earphone Blasting
Trying to chase away the tears
trying not to pass out

Close my eyes
let my feet travel
this familiar road home

Breathe in

Suddenly get a whiff
of pine needle trees
reminds me of christmas

Breathe in

another Whiff
stronger the scent
smile spreads

I imagine this is what
the North Pole smells like
clean and fresh, full of life

I feel my muscles
unwinds, letting go
unfurling from their tense stance

Breathe in
one more time
open my eyes

Ok I can do this
and I carry on

Traitrous tears leak out
streaming down my face
Chest tighting up
threatinging to choke me
Body shaking violently
its hard to type

They sit across from me
Talking to me
In btween their soft and "postitive" words
is where the ugly harsh truth lies

Failure is upon me
digging its icy claws
into everything I do

Its quite simple  
I'm nothing
but
a
Failure

Through the darkness I see you
In all your shining glory
I see your Heart I see your soul

I see you reach out to me
A silent scream upon your lips
I hear the agony in the words not spoken

I run to you
tripping and falling
Trying to get to your side

The darkness closes
your shining light diming
your heart and soul fading

I reach the spot where you once were
Searching I scream your name
I reach out to hold you

Only Grabbing Air

Episode Three
of......
We still havent come with a name for our show

OHMIBOD
OHMYGOD

the things we do
in the dead of night

SAIL

Tiny hampsters
tiny Burritos

NINJA STALKER KITTY

Youtube
is a great friend

Switching rooms

Together again

Episode four is just begging to be made.

Its just one of those days
When it feels like someone
is taking a jack hammer
to the inside of my skull

The room starts a spinning
and I'm starting to see stars
"oh look there goes Johnny Depp"

My head pounds
Boom Boom Boom
So strong So painful

I can feel all the way down to my stomach
making it feel all squishy
threatening to empty itself
all over my desk YUCK

I
Guess
Its
Just
One
Of
Those
Days

Dante pulls out the lily
its orange petals
glistening in the pale moonlight

Lillian stares at it
its the most beautiful thing
she has ever laid eyes upon

Edging closer to her
nervous she will bolt
He takes her hand

"Lillian I am just a lonely assasin
a monster in the eyes of your society"

He looks at her
fear in his eyes

"but you have dared to love me
you have turned your back agaisnt their ways"

He hold her close
and whispers

"So I must ask you this just once"


*Do you dare love me again?

Eyes of blue
a Broken smile
A shattered soul
put back together

A fire in her heart
that will never burn out
A fighter till the end
A Spirit untamed

She doesnt see
the effect she has on this world
She lights and ignites everything in her path
Bathing it in her wisdom

She sinks to the floor,
Her tears she cant hold back anymore.
Her Grief pours out
Uncensured,Unrestrained
Feel to roam
and rake her brain.

In her hand she held a razor
The familair itch begins
the slow burn
the desire

She lifts her hand
Presses the cold metal
against her fragile skin
Right above her vien

She slices
From wrist
to elbow.
The Pain brings a smile
to her blue white lips.

The sleep hits her
dragging her under,
she lets the razor fall from her hand.

Laying back against the bed.
She closes her eyes
to rest a bit.

And then...........

Stand up
Be Proud
of who you are

You are beautiful
in your own crazy way

Let your Inner freak out
Wave him/her around
Dont hide
**SHINE!

****** Fax Machines
Trilling in my ear
Hurting me
with their peircing screams

Beat down the walls that bind me
Beat down the people who control me
Lash out unrestrained
Pure anger pouring out
The vibrations staggering

A frenzy look
glint in my eyes
Bloodlust pooling

fists clenching
preparing
getting ready to strike

I am normally
so sweet
so peaceful

But **** me off
And Things get deadly

My anger
WILL
be
unleashed

Hope kills everything good inside
Clinging to me like silent death
Latching on and whispering in the back of my mind

Everytime im ready to move on
It drags up all the sweet memories
Pointing out the connection we had
Reminding me that the love was real

With its whipsers and illusions
I think to myself
Maybe theres another way
We were to strong to just disappear
We'll get throughr this we'll pull through

But days turn into weeks
Weeks drag on to months
Our four year anniversary passes by me dead  
And I am suddenly brought back to reality
You're never coming back to me

And just like that I am heartbroken again
The pain as fresh as that first day
And everything good I built up inside
Withers and dies under hopes mocking laugh

Please please take away this hope
Because its killing me
And everything good inside

Even in the face of hardships
I will stay strong and smile.

Laid off at work
Right before the holidays
Cant pay the bills
Let my brother down

Relaying on others
To pay my way
Waiting for unemployment
To honor me with a phone call

Electricity shut off
Freeze for the night
Got no money
Tears run down my face

I will give myself ten minutes
To wallow in self pity
To hate myself
And be blue

1...2...3..
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

Ok enough is enough
I will drag myself up off the floor
Dry my tears square my shoulders
Keep my head held high

Keep my smile and sparkles in my eye
I wont let this beat me down

Because

In the face of hardships
I will stay strong
And
Smile

Brothers and sister i love you guys.
And i love you more then this life i live.
You are why
i hold my head up high.
I need to be a roll model.
For you youngsters.

Summer i love you so much.
We need to stick together
against Ur twin brother Jeremy.
When i visit in Maine i love to hang out with you.
Just the two of us girls.
Given each other make overs.
And Getting mom mad by doing so.

Jeremy i love you so much.
You are always fun to hang out with.
You make up great games
to play when we are stuck outside.
I love how you know what to
do when we are in a jam.
And how you always make me laugh.

Zakary i love you so much.
I pretty much tell you that every single day.
But i cant say it enough.
You share my love for wrestling.
We can sit for hours talking about it.
And we get Kellie [your mom my step mom]
mad in the process.

I don't know what i would do
without all of you.
I would not trade any of you for anything.
I love Summer Jeremy and Zakary.

Nine years ago I met you
You were in rough shape,
Strung out on *******,
A merc for Hire.

I was 12
you were 15.
Living your life in the shadows
hiding from the world.
The blazing sun could not reach you.

You were a monster
A deadly creature
Not to be messed with.

Living your life
On the wrong side of the Law.
A question that always plagues me
how the hell were you never caught?

I strode up to you
A fire in my hands
Reached out to you
And let the fire spread.

You are so much more
then you realize.
You mean so much
to so many people.

Me
Twittle
Kaityln
Arianna
Sophia!

and thats not all

Angel
Pop
Java
and
Mags!


We all love you!
in all your
"****** up" glory.

You may have been a bad person then
But now you are such a good man.
The way you raise those girls
the way you look at your beautiful wife.
The way you are always there for me.

You had a ****** 23 years of life
I wont argue that
I know whats in your past.

but Guess what?
its a new year
A fresh start.

Lets make 24 and on
Be filled with light
chase away those shadows.

Shadow man
Shadow Man
Come out and play
In the warm sun light.

Her Will is my own
I stand by her side
I will protect her from the world
from the evil that tries to harm her

Her life comes before my own
Let my sword defend her
Let my body be her shield

If I shall Fail
Let my own sword
run me through
Let me be
no more

this is my solemn vow
this is my sacred oath
let my words seal my fate

Let the gods
and goddess
hear me clear

from this day forward
I am forever hers

I hate what We've become!
The type of couple who never speaks
Growing so distant
That place in my heart where you reside
is growing so cold

I hate what We've Become!
The type of couple living completly different lives
Do you even know me anymore?
Do I know you?

I hate what We've become!
The type of couple where love hurts
I love you Whole Heart soul and being
But its starting to hurt my heart

Next valantines day will mark three years
But for two of them we've been living in two different states
eight hours away
and so many miles between us

I'm so afraid
I dont want to lose you
But its hurting my heart to stay

****
how did we let this happen
How did we end up this way?
What have We become?

I've got my very own Puck and Ash
I am their Meghan chase

Jose
Puck
A trickster
that takes
nothing too
seriously
a smirk
every present
a joke
always being told


But behind that smile
behind that joke
there is just a boy
wanting to love his princess
but never able to

Matt
Ash
Silent and brooding
as cold as ice
hide behind your walls
a dark knight
in a world so bright
Bound by Honor
and ever
the gentleman

But behind the walls
behind the darkness
there is just boy
Loving a princess
Who loves him back

Nicole
Meghan
Stuck in her mortal world
best friend
who will always be in her heart
who loves him
But not the way he wants
who danced with darkness
with no fear
and fell head over heels


Whose best friend
and love of her life
hate each other
with feirce passion
her dark Knight vowing
to end the others  life

Uneasy Truce
Draw up between them
The dark prince
and the Trickster
Just to keep their
princess happy.

Dont love
me for
being perfect

Love me
for all
my flaws
and imperfections

Love Me
For Me

thats all I ask of you

That moment when panic strikes,
those voices creeping in,
from the shadows of your brain.
Weaving their ribbons of doubt,
whispering to you their deadly sins.

Make the cut
Tighten the rope
Take the dive.

Just close your eyes
block 'em out
Breath in
You can do this
You're stronger then them.

Push them away
Make 'em run
with their tails between their legs.

When Panic sets in
It's easy to cave.
To listen to the voices
sweet like candy.

But it's just candy coated doom.
Hold onto your will
You can do it I believe in you
You'll come out of this
A Winner.

My heart had turned to stone
I had become the bitter broken girl
Wasnt looking for anything new
Still trying to pick up pieces of a shattered heart


I thought I would never be loved again
I thought that was the end for me
my life started going down hill
I was just done with everything


I wanted to give it all up.
I was losing people left and right
I was so done
I was so tired.


I was going to end it all
Give it up
who would miss me?
No one.


Then he comes crashing in
and cracks fracture like spider webs
Feelings I thought I lost
start waking up and peakign around


He saved me
my blue haired knight
Without even realizing it
I was stuck.


He now has my heart
recently healed from deep cutting wounds.
Please dont break it
It cant handle anymore


I'm trusting you
like I rarely trust anyone
my heart is in your hands
*Please dont break me

Deep within
is a whole other side of me.
I hardly ever let it out.
Its dangerous and hungry for a fight.

When its out you better hide.
My blood begins to boil.
My anger rising.
I'm about to strike.

My eyes turn black.
My fists turn deadly.
My strength builds.
This is only the beginning.

My other side is wicked.
Its cruel and unforgiving.
It wont take a sorry or a plead for forgiveness.
its on the prowl.

My other side is dormant at the moment.
But its always lurking near the surface.
If i get mad its hard to control.
My other side is a fighter.

Dear Josh,
You were my first love,
you made me realize that Love wasnt so scary
It was beautiful and true.

But even before we loved you were my best friend.

You were my Joey
The guy who was there when I needed someone to turn to
making my laugh with your silly MURSNARKing
The guy who walked three miles in 90 degree weather
just so he could go lazer tag with me.

My Joey
the one who stood in and came to a family pig roast
Because my ******* boyfriend refused to go
and he wondered why I left him for you

I miss you
I miss my Joey
We use to talk 24/7
day and night
no matter what

Yes we dated for two years
we went through hell and back
We fell apart and broke away
left off on such horrid terms

I just want you to know
I dont hate you I never could
You're still dear to me
and stuck in my heart

I don't miss us as a couple.
I miss us as friends
I miss my Joey
My best friend

From
Nicy

Take center stage
in this play called life.
where the script is
lost to you

The main act
is your self destruction.
For all the world to see

Your dagger held close
scars spanning every inch of skin.

Should I end it? Should I stay?
The ****** of this life's play

Bring it down to your wrist
the pulse rising as your delima grows

the world holds its breath
everything slows down

The turning point

throw down the dagger
it clanks to the wooden floor
Stand on this stage
look life in the eye

*I quit it with the suicidal recital

Sometimes Letting go
Hurts less then the burns
you get from Holding on.


But what if the burns
never heal?
What if the pain
Never fades?


Then wouldnt the letting go
Hurt more in the long run?
Why risk that pain
when False hope is so Comforting


False hope
tells you everything you want to hear
False hope
Gives you everything your heart desires


But when it shatters.
The letting go.
It hurts like hell
it hurts more then the false hope
of holding on

What do you do
When everyone around you is hurting
And you are powerless to help them?


You have nothing to offer
But meaningless stupidity
And childish intellect

You cant give them advise
You cant hold them and tell them its ok
Because you dont know what to do or say


You just sit there and stare
Wishing you could just take away all their pain
Wishing you could put a smile on their face if only for a moment

But you cant
Because you are
*Useless.

There is nothing like
almost colliding
with a moose
on your way home
from work
................
..Stupid Maine nightlife

My Dreams go up in Flames
as the Ashes dance around in the breeze
Crimson runs down my face
as I cry out for all the things I'll never do.

Gone are the hopes Of Grander things to come
Scattering into the breeze mixing in with the Ash
to make a dull grizzly Paint that cakes onto my heart

Red with rust the ideas I use to Have
add it into the mix
My heart bleeds with what i have lost.

An Empty shell is what I have become

I've been away
or I guess not really
But I've been thinking
About who I am lately.

I've had the time to think me through
Go over every vessel
over every nerve cell
Everything that makes up me

I dug around in my brain
To figure out how I ticked
How I worked

Nothing I did
could have prepared me
For what was in store

I saw myself
truly saw myself
I started to cry.

I'm not the person I always thought I was
yes I'm annoying and childish
immature and "rude"
But there is so much more to me.

I have power held up inside me
With the tip of my pen
paper and below it
I have the power to help.

Not just with my jokes
and stupid scenarios  
But with my words of poetry

Someone Once told me
that I changed her life
with just 2 verses
that because of me
She's still here

So I will take off my court jester hat
and take up my pen
grab a fresh white sheet of paper
I will put myself to work

This is my revelation
This is the real me

I wont hold back anymore.
**I will let my words flow free

I'll never change
I'll always be this way
I'm to childish
I'm to young to understand

I've grown up more then you will comprehend
I understand more then you realize
I've grown up right in front of your eyes.
You're just blind
to what you're little girl has grown up to be.

I will admit in some ways you are right
I don't have that much responsibility right now
and no real bills to speak of.
But that will all change soon

Got a job 40 hours a week
And don't forget the overtime.
200 dollars a month straight to the electric bill
115 to my old collage loans.
Studying in the dead of night
to go get that learners permit.
saving up the cash for a licence and car.

No more relying on the dear sweet fiance
I'll save up my OWN money to get my little place
These steps may be small and baby
But they're steps in the right direction.

*You say that I'll never change
But what the **** do you know?

The cold waters hit my feet
As I stare out at the nothingness
That is the sea

The water laps at my ankles
stealing away all the warmth
in my body

a horrid chill seeps in
dragging up the misery
that was locked away in my heart

A crushing weight presses
down on my chest
threatening to suffocate me

The water hits my legs
I stare down at the
criss crossing scars

The scars
where cold metal
Met fragile flesh

The Metal sliced as the
Flesh snagged and gave
letting blood flow

The water laps at my knees
Obscuring the Scars
Hiding my past once more

The Pressure on my chest
Gets heavier, threatening
to cut off my oxygen

Final thoughts
start crashing in
Like the menicing waves before me

The water tugs at my waist
growing impatient
wanting me for itself

The water bites me
with its icy jaws
slowly pulling me under

My life flashes before me
As I realize how pitiful
and sad it had been

The water closes over my eyes
drowning away my life
Then.....

..........There Was Nothing

This internal battle
rages on within me
Sapping my strength
Leaving this bitter cold.

Left alone
in a house
that was never my own.
The Halls once filled
with the warmth of family,
Now deserted
blowing a wind
of bitter cold.

The suns fire
warms up the day outside
Birds chirping
bees floating lazily.
But inside me
the sun can not reach.
Inside me
This Bitter cold
is here to stay.

His eyes
blue green
mist pools

Look straight
into my
very soul

Awakens something
deep down
inside me

Something Ancient
something pure
something Magical

Hey baby Where were you today? I needed you so much but you werent there {Deleted, to afraid to send}

So we havent talked all day. Why? {Deleted, to afraid to send}

Again we havent talked all day, And whats scary is, I'm starting to be ok with that {Deleted, afraid to send}

Why don't we skype anymore? I have my Ipod now. We could skype everynight! {Deleted, afraid to send}

Baby please tell me this feeling is all in my head, But I fear we are growing apart {Deleted, terrified to send}

Baby, whats happening to us? *{Deleted, afraid to send}

I love pain
I crave it
it sends desire
coursing through my viens

Drag your nails
down my back
make it bleed
leave marks on my flesh

take your hands
wrap them round my neck
and squeeze
Oh the glory of the pain

take the whip
the dragons tongue.
give me 50 lashes
and then some.

Take that shiny blade
and drag it down my back
its unforgiving pain
courses through me.

take me
rough and swift
Pound your love into me
make me moan
and beg for more

Claim me
as your
own

With her eyes cast down
she pulls away
from his warm embrace.

The lust the desire
its all clearly there.
But with a strength she didnt know she had
she keeps him at a distance.

Nothing more
never again,
can she let her gaurd down.

She sets her goals
she will not break

Never more will she know
the feeling of his comforting embrace.

I've been living in a fantisy world
and it's crumbling around me.
I need to know you will be there
for me when it finally shatters

Just when I think I can to this
that I will make it through
this crushing weight descends
crashing into me leaving me breathless
tears build behind my eyes and I cant catch my breath
double over gasping thinking this will never end.


My heart has shattered
rebuilt
and shattered again
I don't know how many times
each time more painful then the last


How am I suppose to do this without you?
people tell me to focus on the good times to not think about you
well that is highly difficult when all my good times....
...were with you.
Don't think about the past this about the future
That is too painful when I built my future....
....around us.


People tell me to keep my chin up
that this pain will pass.
I don't want to keep my chin up
I want to curl up in a ball and cry my sorrows
I want to scream till my throat is raw
I want you to feel the pain you gave caused.


But most of all.......


*I just want you back....

I stare at your words,
until my eye blur with tears.

Do you know how badly you hurt me?
Do you even have any Inkling as to how deep it goes?

You told me you didnt want to be
my big brother anymore.
You didnt want me in your life.

You might as well have shot me
The bullet wounds are bleeding
They are raw with pain
My tears are warm against my face.

With every word you spoke
A knife was cutting me up inside.
Ripping out my heart
Ripping my feelings to shreds.

You want me out of your life?
Is that really true?
Is that really real?

I know you
I know how you work
and operate.
there is something you're not telling me
there is something not right!

Why are you doing this to me?
Why now?
why do this to me AGAIN!!!!

You want me out of your life?
FINE!

I will slam that door shut
I will lock it up tight

Just know that once its locked
It may NEVER open up again.

I hope you know
what you are doing.