I am afraid that everyday I am becoming increasingly better at impersonating myself
the ticks of another hum in my bones
and I am standing on a balcony
watching myself walk by
I hear my laugh coming from other peoples mouths
and I see my sad eyes
when I look into the faces of the crowd
I am afraid that everyone around me will know me too well
or not well enough
the wind will blow my hair on this balcony just as it has
to the people below
I have no idea what I'm doing
neither do they
I wonder if they see themselves in me
I mean whoever I am
we all use each other
to build ourselves
recycling feelings
expressions
combinations of words
until we find something that we can live with

I am afraid that I will find myself if I jump off this balcony
I am afraid that I will lose myself if I jump off this balcony

I am not sure which is worse

I am afraid.

the first thing I want to tell you is:
I was always jealous of those kids who had glow in the dark stars
that they put on their ceiling
they could create their own personal paradise
and I wanted that power
to create something to stare at during the night
and if I can't play with the sky
I'll settle for plastic
and some tape
when you put your hands in the sky
some might call it playing god
but I'd like to think of it as creativity

you talk about God as if he was holding a cigarette
and
I talk about him as if he was holding a sword
but what if we combined them
a man
dragging a sword through new york
leaning against it on street corners
and asking for a light
they would wonder
wouldn't they
who he was
jeans
some armor
but only enough to cover his battle scars

It's becoming a right of passage
to pass out on the floor
someday
I think I'll wake up
under the sky
and when I look to my right
I'll see a man
with a cigarette
and a sword
that's when I know
that I've made it
I may smile to myself
comforted by the fact
it seems we all end up
on our backs facing the sky

God included

I heard this theory once
that we have tiny red threads
coming out of the centers of ourselves
and they connect to other people
they pull us together during life

invisible
but existing

some call it fate
but when I think of fate
I see you
taking your heart out of your chest
just to look at it
set it on the ground in front of you if you must
to study the contractions
cross legged stranger
to yourself
I'll do the same
sitting across from you
I'll set my own heart on the ground
We'll flip a coin to choose which heart goes back in your rib cage
and I'll tell you that you are better off
with mine
and I am better off
with yours
my veins are still connected

invisible
but existing

maybe that is what they mean
when they tell us we are connected by tiny red threads
seeing my hand on your chest
they must think we're crazy
but I'll tell them I know two things:
1) I love you
and
2) there's blood all over the floor

When I was sad
I asked you to hold my water
and as I emptied the glass into your hands
you began to cry
seeing me with the empty glass
the tears falling
into your open hands
you created a lake between the seams of your fingers
nourishing it with your own
and when I finally held my glass out again
when I had the strength to carry it
I asked why you were crying
you told me
"I merely hoped my tears were enough to make you see the glass a little more towards half full"

and that's when I knew I didn't deserve you

today I saw a machine that can make human skin as if it was printing paper
and I thought about covering myself with new skin
just to see if it didn't hurt as bad
if I hid my scars a little better
today I was in so much pain I felt sick
and when you left I felt like crying
a boy died today
and I am speaking out loud
with a voice that sounds like broken glass
whenever I am alone I talk as if I don't have enough air
the voice in my head sounds the same
I talk about drowning a lot
but I don't know how else to describe the feeling of not being able to breathe
while I am taking in air
my body is pulsing because I have too many memories
and no one understands
I am so alone here
maybe that machine can make me better
maybe all I need is new skin
I love my body
but it doesn't seem like it loves me sometimes
it is keeping me alive
but I don't want to be
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a parasite
I am a human
and I deserve to be
but no one ever listens to me anyway
not even myself

my lungs breathe without convincing
so why do I have such a problem getting off the floor
remind me
remind me
remind me to live

more than I want to forget
I want to remember
you are a quiet calm
that I want to detail as you sleep
the tint and shade of your eyelids
as you inhale
exhale
illuminated by a soft glow
I want to remember
your voice was a river
when whispering about love
rushing, returning
in a rhythm
that matched
the slight upturn
of the corners of your lips
as if you just remembered I'm next to you
I want to remember
the small noises of your nature
your body ticks
like  a grandfather clock waiting for the sunrise
you make tiny noises in the bottom of your throat
as you move
you have told me you love me thousands of times
without opening your mouth
I wish to touch you
but I am afraid that if I do I will disturb your surface
as if you were water
ripples running over your skin
more than I want to forget
I want to remember
every piece
of you

the sky looks like cheap wine
mixed with water
that was always my uncles favorite drink
he said he couldn't risk dying
on his two sons
just for a party
and I respected him for that
if I was ever to drink
it would be cheap wine
mixed with water
as a tribute to his solace
he just needed a hint
of what he was missing
he used to drink when he was married
and I'm still not sure what happened behind those closed doors
but he came out divorced
with a liver problem