All was going to be all right
we were fighting all day but
that was over now
I walked you to work
and we both thought that would be a good new tradition
you even offered to buy me chocolate
but the idea of you buying something on the Lord's day was still a bit too much for me
walking back to your house was my first time in your city alone outside
my skirt swirling in the wind
I had promised to marry you and was trying so hard to make myself believe that was the right step
that wasn't fair but I didn't want to
lose you
I came home to find your door locked
the password of your laptop changed
your best friend randomly came by, and it felt like checking
if I obeyed all your rules
I don't want to write down this story
I want to keep believing
our love was good enough
until the end
So close to the end I made small talk with your roommate
I would convince you later that was okay
You shouldn't have been jealous
We ended up bonding
Sharing African music
talked about the books I read
his strange views on religion
It was the one evening
I didn't feel alone
It was the one evening
I could be myself
I thought I could live with you
in the country you hated
in the house that was falling apart
I thought I could fight your anger
Replace it with my love
If I just had one friend
With your roommate, i didn't have to force myself
to not see almost everything
I could finally be myself again
he wasn't forcing me to change me
I liked my own version better
I still don't know
why you left work
was it to check on me?
or should I believe the petty excuse I don't remember
but you were there
an angry monster
my lover gone
the hate had finally taken over
I wonder what you saw
what is this evening like from your perspective?
Were you just as scared when you started to shout to me?
Do you also still feel the grip of your strong hands around my wrist?
Did you sense then, how close we were to domestic violence?
Do you know, that whenever i remember that moment
I'm really scared of you?
I don't remember what you said
you were done
would take me to the airport
but that was it
I wouldn't leave
my return ticket was booked for months from now
after we were supposed to get married
Was I really that young last year?
You told me, that if I didn't leave
you would
that crazy scheme to leave the country illegally we fighted about so often
was still possible
you'd leave me alone in a country so strange to me
I couldn't even catch a bus
Instantly, I knew for sure
your roommate would keep me safe
and I was way to smart to be completely helpless
but I also knew it wouldn't be fair to ask
or to impose
around 4 am
your anger was cooling down
enough to tell me I could stay
but by then
we were waiting for the first bus to the airport
I was finally smart enough to not go back
I was smart enough to leave you
but three airports later
my head got all confused in the skies
My highest phone bill ever
hour long long distance calls
I couldn't leave you yet
You left yourself
your city and your country
fled (again) from your own life
became nothing but a not-working phone number
and an awful lot of unprocessed memories
february 2015