I did something tonight that I absolutely hated, but I know it had to be done and I believe I will be better off because of it. Sun minus clouds.

and I hated myself for it. Fear and Loathing alone on a broken couch in a dark basement.

My best friends we're supportive of me, like a screaming Titanic opposite.

Even when they knew I was wrong and I openly admitted to it.

One in particular said: "Who are we to tell you that you're wrong? You're happiness should not ever be based about what we think."

and

I

replied:

"Who are you? You are my best friends. You care more about me than I do..."

You care about me more than I do.
You care about me more than I do.
You care about me more than I do.
You cre about me mr than I d
Yc at m m th I d
Ym.

Thank you.

I remember every right word and the scars they left.
I remember every bottle that broke on the floor.
I remember how I swore I tried my best.
I remember how you swore I could do more.
I remember how we knew our time was coming.
I remember how our watches would snap at the band.
I remember how the sea gave way to our ship,
But I couldn't bare to leave the sand...

I do believe that believers exist,
but I fear that I'm the last one left.
I took a shot in the dark, I missed.
I hit my heart again instead.

I do not think I'm winning,
I just don't want to be confused.
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
as my bones break and skin starts to bruise.

I know no one can live forever,
but I wish that I could pick and choose.
I swear I'd be the first in line.
I swear you'd be position number two.

I walk a fine line of words I write.
I point my fingers and accuse.
You take the ink away from me.
You scream "this ink ain't being used."

I wrote a million letters.
I wrote a sad story or two.
I wrote too many dots of silence,
I wrote too many "I" and "You's."
I drew too many pictures.
I erased so many things straight from the heart.
I told you one too many times,
"I swear we'll never grow apart..."

I remember every right song and the lines they left.
I remember every teardrop that crashed on the floor.
I remember how I swore it was just a guess.
I remember how you swore I'd never learn.
I remember how we knew our smiles were fading.
I remember how our touches would stop at the hand.
I remember that ground that allowed us to walk on
But I couldn't bare to see us land...

I just want to turn in my journal as evidence I'm psychotic and live the rest of my life in an insane asylum making origami cranes.

This isn't really a poem.

My head is this galaxy of exploding stars and swirling planets, though every glimmering star you see behind my blue eyes that lost their blue color years ago are shooting stars that long died out.

That's why when you wish on me, I can't come through anymore.

I am a walking hollow.

Somewhere between the parking lot where I stood and knew I would never smoke a single cigarette to the roof top of a house where I smoked a whole pack in a night because I thought that's what would make things better.

Somewhere between hanging on every word you say and hanging from a noose made from sketchy rope.

Somewhere between honesty and not being sure if what I'm saying is a lie.

Somewhere between "I ****** up" and "you're ****** up."

Somewhere between those places, I find myself listening to songs I usually don't and drinking chemicals I always said I wouldn't.

I'm looking for something and I put my faith in finding a person, which is unfair to whomever I choose to place it on.

The weight of the world...My world.

I got to the point where I didn't care what happened to it anymore.

I threw it in the air so now it bounces through infinite space. It's unappealing and covered in glass shards, wrinkles and scars.

I can't blame anybody for not wanting to pick it up...

But I'm hoping someone does.

If walls could talk, they would scream vile words in my face as I trace cloud patterns through volatile gray skies.

In the Summer I pray for Winter and in the Winter I pray for Summer.

I wish I could say I'm OK with Fall because it's the best of the worst, but I know when I get there I'm praying for a Spring bloom.

I always want what is furthest away from me.

Can that be my excuse for why I put distance between the people I love most?

Staring at the same spot makes you miss out on 273 degrees of a viewing radius coming to roughly 74% of life that you're currently missing.

If you do stare at something, make sure it's beautiful enough to be a fair trade for 74% visibility.

Your smile is worth it.  You're worth it.

Stare.

I hope one day we can sit in trees and watch the sunset.  I don't understand how you got so far up the branch.  Your Chuck Taylors hang out of the tree, the sharpie colored star swaying above the Earth.  I look at mine in the same position and think we might be made for each other.  Star crossed lovers.

But just for a second or two.

Tick Tock

The Sun goes down and begins to cool the atmosphere.  The Milky Way is still holding an ambiance.

I'll drive you home.

I wish my headlights were brighter.

I hate small talk.

I love the way you say words.

Talk to me.

You tell me you like to sing.  I turn the radio off.

Your voice is off key and out of rhythm.  Beautiful really.

It's soft, I wish you would sing it closer to my ear.  Is that weird to ask?  Yes it is.  Don't do it.

You could end me.  You know you could and you don't want to hurt me.  You're one of the few people that actually cares.  That's also the main reason I like you.

Counter productive on both sides. We're both going nowhere fast.

Bye, text me when you get home.

The car door shuts.  

Reverse.  

I dolly out, watching you walk through your door.

I miss you already.  Neutral.  Drive.

You are the rainbow in the lack of light.

You are my Columbine.

My less than clean locker in school,

My more than adequate collection of words that some people think is poetry.



You are the sun when it's not daytime.

You are my pathetic excuse for doing anything else.

My less than Saturday expedition,

My more than nothing heart break.



You are the open window bringing in a perfect summer air.

You are the Autumn when I am sick of Summer.

My less than drug addiction,

my more than a smile grin.



You are forever everything I've ever wanted, even if I wasn't sure what that was.

You are the solution to any problem I've ever had.

My sweet poetic.

My sour smoke that I inhale willingly into my lungs.



You are the cough that I wish I never had.

You are the lungs that I wish could withstand more.

My downfall.

My upbringing.



You are the song that I hate.

You are my favorite song.

My never ever.

My forever.



I love you forever.