I hope it rains on my wedding day.
That way my hair will become all frizzy like it does,
That way my white dress will drag through muddy puddles,
That way my stilettos will sink into the soft, wet earth.
Because all to often things go the way we want.
And I find beauty in the unplanned happenings,
Beauty in the imperfect.

I write best when I'm sad.
Maybe because I'm being more honest with myself in these moments.
But I think about everything.
About how many seconds it takes for air to consume every inch of my lungs.
About why raindrops fall together but are always seperate drops.
About how the weather can change a person.
About how many colors we have yet to experience.
But I cannot say I hate being sad.
Sometimes it gives me peace.
Because being sad is better than feeling nothing.
And most days I wouldn't flinch at a knife in my lungs.

I always write in pen.
If I were to write in pencil,
My words would be artificial.
Edited and overthought so much that they were no longer my words.
And some things are better left unedited.
Left as the things I did not think,
But felt.

My heart aches because I want all of you, all at once.
I am ready for you.
But your not quite ready for all of me,
Or to give me all of you.
Your mind is a little more indecisive about us.
But I'll wait; I'll stay close.
I'll let my fingers lie in between yours, without grasping tightly;
I'll let our lips touch, without kissing you;
I'll let my heart love, without falling for you, yet.

You kissed me last night.
And never would I have thought that
falling asleep in your arms at 2am
would feel so much like home,
but it did.
Yet you seem distant today.
Maybe it's because you know we're real
but if I'm being honest with myself I know it's because your done with me already.
And that hurts like hell.

There is something different about you,
Something I cannot let go
No matter how many times WE have failed.
There is something different about this time.
Something more genuine,
Something that shows a glimmer of hope.
You have changed,
I have changed,
And maybe we finally have time on our side.
Because you make me sick in the best way possible,
Because the thought of you is frightening and ties my stomach in knots.
Maybe it is a dull ache of knowing it will end the same way.
Or maybe
Just maybe
It's because I know it won't.

I've come to love myself.
If nobody else is willing to,
I'll do it for myself.
Even if it includes being the only one that loves me.
I'm an independent person.
And finally loving myself is great,
But I'm ready to let someone in.
For it was only my own lonely head,
Left to conversate with itself.
I'm ready to finally release all I've been holding onto.
I'm ready to let someone else take the gun from my collapsing hand,
And fight for me.
Because only God knows how close I am to implosion.