an Ode to Eppie

I once had what I thought was a brilliant idea
My friends listened dutifully without the eye roll the less loyal would have thrown in
Before announcing that I am not allowed to name any children I end up having
So I sure as **** better find a husband with an idea of what a name is

I wanted a daughter named Epic
Because I couldn’t imagine a bigger adventure than parenting
And there was no way I was dealing with the torture of pregnancy
To produce a child that was anything less than epic
I wanted a daughter with the world laid out for her
There would be no painful heart wrenching breakups for her
No gangly awkward phase
She would be the physical representation of the bond her father and I shared
She would be love incarnated
And I can’t imagine anything more epic than that
I wanted a daughter named Epic
Nicknamed Eppie
Bambi told me that nickname was even worse than hers
And I named her after a cartoon deer with a dead mother
I guess they might have a point in this who name thing

I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Because if I am ever (crazy) lucky enough to bring a girl into this world
With my genes and the cruel ways of boys stacked against her
I will sure as hell had some major epiphany
If I am ever (stupid) blessed enough to have a daughter
I want every moment with her to be a grand realization of my life
This is who I am
This moment is what I was made for
Whether it’s picking her up after a scraped knee
Advising her that Alphie only hit her because he likes her
Or telling her that no, leggings are not pants
She would be the reason I went through all of this
The reason I got my heart broken by the world over and over again
So that it could complete me
I wanted a daughter named Epiphany
Nicknamed Eppie
“Like an EpiPen?” Fluffy (Patrick before I went about nicknaming) questioned
“No, not like an Epinephrine auto injector at all.”
Maybe naming isn't my forte

I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Because a name is more than a word
A name is a decision
I would make it clear that she was loved
She would be the embodiment of every hope dream and wish I ever had
Just by breathing each day
I wanted my whole life to be leading up to the day I met her
If I was ever going to give a new life
She would be everything
The epitome of my entire life
I wanted a daughter named Epitome
Nicknamed Eppie
Laci (aka Frida) whose nickname could be interchangable with that of a stripper
Laughed
And decided that 'Emily' would be just fine for any daughter of mine

When I was two and we ran out of hand soap in the bathroom
My sister poured in some water
And it was like magic
Suddenly there was more soap just like that
My mom got annoyed and replaced the watered down soap the next day
But I couldn’t understand why
My sister had just done something so wonderfully amazing
From something as mundane as water
She had brought forth twice the amount of soap

When I was seven that was my philosophy to a t
When we ran low on soap, I added more water and shook the bottle
Magic at my finger tips
I’m not seven anymore, but I kept that philosophy
Kept adding water to my soap
But I don’t have a mother to come replace all the watered down soap in my life anymore
And I just keep pouring in more water
It’s stopped working
I must have killed the magic somehow, because all I have left now
Is water

Running and Hiding
We spent the night in the darkened playground
The silent burial ground of our childhood recollections
Filled with happy ghosts of the past
We played hide and seek with our memories
As we ran from the ticking hour
Trying to escape time

We spent the night
All running from something
All hiding from our own demons
Trying so hard to disappear from the pain chasing us
We almost forget the others
Running just as fast beside us
From their own personal hell as well

Hiding our faces in the dizziness
Induced by the dreaded tire swing
And running headlong into challenges
Of balance and strength
Of anything less personal than the conversation
That follows, “hey, you ok?”
Just to forget for a bit

Then lying in the darkness and smiling
Laughing, talking about anything but the truth
Hoping maybe it won’t find us here
But time doesn’t stand still
And the sheltering blackness of the night
Shatters under the weight of the oppressive curfews

Into the car
Into the fear
Return to the place you hid from
Return from the running
And wait for dawn
So you can run again

You like bubbles in me
Laughter
Like all the smiles I’ve been missing
Sunshine
To thaw my frozen hands in yours
Music
Everywhere and in every moment
With you
God, how I missed you

I know being with you will break me
But you will break me so beautifully
Smash me into a million tiny sparkling pieces
And scatter them like diamonds on wind
I know your love will shatter me
If I ever decide to let you get that close
But I know being with you
Would be wondrously beautiful
Even as it tears at my soul
It would make the loveliest collage
Of my shredded heart
Being with you would be like being the stars
Every pieces of me separate
And spread too far apart
But glowing
You make me want to be beautifully broken
So that I can glow in your arms
And fill in the gaps in your smile
With my shining fragments
So go ahead
Explode my world
Into a thousand glittering colours of love
And leave me with them when you’re gone
I’ll be beautifully broken for you