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Feb 2014 · 658
Emotionaly wrecked.
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Can I give myself back to myself, after months of being lost in this whole other different part of me. Would that be acceptable now?
Approaching normal.
Feb 2014 · 240
Untitled
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Do I drive you mad.?  
You're my enemy I hate to love.
Feels like the day is ending.
You got me looking for another day.
I was already headed for hell; I might as well enjoy the ride.
Feb 2014 · 308
Untitled
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Swallow your pride just to keep your family proud.
Feb 2014 · 1.2k
a bit about this. :p
Jessica Head Feb 2014
I'm a nice person to talk to. I respect everyone and everything. May don't like being in a room with three or more people, makes me feel trapped. Got no enemies, just friends, or I don't know if you can even call them friends, their people I know but don't talk to.

I will try tell you people a bit about me and area. I live in Canada, Saskatchewan. In a reserve called James Smith, this is home in this village. Not much to do here. I got both my parents, but my dad wants to run away from us, he's stuck in a old folks home for the old and disabled, my dad aint that old. He needs one of his daughters with him, I'm the only one that's still young and free, the other two sisters of mine they're struggling for a home for their little families. I  love my dad for who he is, don't get to see him much though. My mum, i ran away from her once or more. I'm mum's babygirl, I dont think I will leave her again cause it hurted the both of us. Theres just something different between my mum and I. She knows I love her though, she's just as bored as I am.

My two sisters, they both live in this village, Genevieve is having a rough time with her boyfriend, at least she won't ever leave her two kids, Dante and Danica. Not much to say about Gen, she is the oldest, she's a good sister. She bites sometimes, nibbles on my nerves. Ha!

Cassandra, my sister she has two sons, Jathan and Nickolas, she's going to school. She's trying to move away from our village and get a life, I might seem funny saying it that way" get a life" but foreal people here don't do anything cause most of them quit school and got no carreer, just cheap jobs that's something though.

My little brother Joey, I try look out for him, only bro I got. There's two ways to say Moostoos, there's Moostoos and mostos. Moostoos is my dad's last name, and mostos stands for cow in Cree. I'm 100% Cree, full blooded First Nations Cree Indian. Being native is like we can live on welfare and get a lot free. I'm only living on welfare cause I'm stuck till I graduate so if I want to get out of here I got to finish school, nother two and a half years till then.

My past bothers me a whole lot, but I am managing it, people thought I lost my mind when I went suicidal a few times. I will be ok. I tell everybody to be ok. My family knows I'm shy, I'm not afraid, I'm just not use to being around loud people. I love to laugh and smile a lot, it hides my sadness, depression and all that. I nearly forgot what its like to laugh hard, I got no one to laugh with and be weird, just my sister Gen, but I rarely see her.

My goal is to be around people more often, made that up as I am thinking of random stuff I like about this place. Pp.s I really really have a big heart for animals. I try my hardest to sound like I care about other people, I must seem very nice.

Got to love art, books, and poetry. Only if I was as good as you's at poetry and stuff. So have yourself a good day or night. Take Care out their. Ta ta!
Feb 2014 · 537
Hurtin'.
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Man I'm so lonesome, lost everything that ever was there! If I wasn't so heartless, maybe everything would be different. I loved and I lost.
Feb 2014 · 546
I have been replaced
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Cried all day, and I'm still crying.
Couldn't eat much, only ate once, hurted when I tried eating.
Had two cups of coffee today,
First cup I didn't drink it till the coffee was getting cold,
Second cup I let it sit in the coffee *** till it was burnt, but warm enough for tha powder to vaporate.
It was a sad day.
Feb 2014 · 658
-Ash-
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Somebody save me from these thoughts of mine.
From the terror of losing my mind.
I can't think of a better way.
Than wanting to hear of what you have to say.
Tell me I'm fine and everything is ok.
To Keep moving forward to that better day.
Feb 2014 · 763
Ash
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Ash
In a state of madness and delusion.
Fearing this life of illusion.
Walking aimlessly with confusion.
Please help me out of this institution.
I'm locked away behind a wall with no door.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm ok I'm fine implore.
But my pleases and promises are there to ignore.
Why am I still here? What for ?
I can't stand this place no more.
Feb 2014 · 289
Untitled
Jessica Head Feb 2014
Trying To Find Warmth For Myself
*Help me
Jan 2014 · 682
A deadly killer.
Jessica Head Jan 2014
How could I just let that *** ruin me,
and make a big impact on my life.
Now he's going to abandon me,
For someone else.
******* ****.
Liking someone doesn't last long.
Yeah I ain't jealous,
I'm just disappointed.
Disappointed cause I couldn't tell him anything what was wrong.
Yes. Could say he tried helping me.
I can't open up to anyone,
Can't talk to anyone,
Can't smile at anyone,
A friend would be just nice,
someone who'd listen to a very ****** up story.
I am dieing on the inside,
I feel no happiness,
No anything,
He killed me.
Jan 2014 · 554
Him
Jessica Head Jan 2014
Him
I am in love
In love with his smile
His dimples when he smiles, so ****
His eyes are the most wonderful I ever layed my eyes on
His laugh, kills me on the inside everytime
All I can do is smile at him
His pure black hair. Wow. I love the way he puts his hair, under his cap, combed back
He's ******* ****
He is a lot
We will never be apart cause we're close in a very different way.
I don't know if it's love or just me putting stuff into my head.
I miss him everyday though.
Jan 2014 · 418
Untitled
Jessica Head Jan 2014
I didn't make a mistake this time.
I just fixed one of my mistakes.
Jan 2014 · 461
It is now 3:05am
Jessica Head Jan 2014
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I love him too **** much.
I wished he knew that.
Very sad night\early morning.
Jan 2014 · 600
The Truth
Jessica Head Jan 2014
Why am I so hurt?
Seeing a therapist didn't change anything.
Getting high isn't even helping.
These happy pills ain't enough either.
Can't even tell the truth to myself!
Lost trust in everyone.
I wish I knew *Why?
Jan 2014 · 869
Untitled
Jessica Head Jan 2014
Almost every night, I cry myself to sleep. I got told to go see the doctor today, he'll give you anti-depression meds. I told her I'll get through this myself. My uncle John came by today, he came to see if I'm alright, guess he knew. Uncle John was the second person I rejected about talking. I've been forced into a closet till I was 18, now its hard to talk about my feelings and all that. But look on the brightside I'm shutting them out. I stay up late at night thinking, its hard to go to sleep when I'm sober, or a bit burnt out. Everyday is a new day I have that written down on a note to remind myself why I'm still alive.
Jan 2014 · 420
Untitled
Jessica Head Jan 2014
I am always scared. I'm always stuck at tha same house. "You know I want to go home too. Right.?" I got addicted to drugs, always hanging around the drugdealers. Getting high, that feeling everytime. Its a bad feeling, but it feels good.

When I go home, sometimes late at night. I am depressed, always have all that time to think. All I Care about is getting high.

I will quit in an nother day.
               *wrote this while i'm high.
Jessica Head Dec 2013
My thoughts became louder.
I can't even hear myself talk.
I must be crazy, insane.
The people around, annoy me.
It kills me to know that I'm still alive.
There's this ball of flames
Ready to explode.
Thoughts of suicidal
I'm tired of feeling this pain.
I'm so hurt.
I am going to end this pain someday.
Unloved,.
Unaccepted back into everyone's lives.
I hate people.
They ruined who I was.
I push people away.
Don't want them to see me.
I feel ashamed.
Guilt
Sorrow.
Alone
Lost
I'm on the verge.
Jessica Head Oct 2013
Overwhelmed with calculations
How much time I've truly wasted
Spend it all anticipating
'til my blackened heart is faded
Now I know how far I'd take it
Now I know how far I'll take it
Won't be lost in conversations,
Headiness or accusations
Now I know
Now I know

It's far away from here
I file it down do anything
Anywhere but here
Burn it down and disappear
Far away from here

I'm not fighting any longer
Nothing left for me to conquer
But my tired soul's on fire
If I don't move I'll surely die here
Now I know
Now I know

It's far away from here
I file it down do anything
Anywhere but here
Just far far away from here
Won't you tell me dear
It's far far away from here
Far away from here
Now I know
The whole world could disappear
Disappear

I'm not looking from approval
Just the strength to finally move on
If I don't move I'm surely doomed
And I'm the only one I'm foolin

It's far away from here
File it down do anything
Anywhere but here
Just far far away from here
Far away from here
Burn it down and disappear
Anywhere but here
Just far far away from here
Far away from here
File it down do anything
Won't you tell me dear
It's far far away from here
It's far away from here
Oct 2013 · 950
Angels - Lindi Ortega
Jessica Head Oct 2013
"Well, I think I'll drink myself right back to sleep
When I awoke no one was missing me
I will be lonely till the day I die
Then all the angels will be by my side

All of the angels, all of the angels
All of the angels by my side
I think I'll be needing one tonight

All of my dear friends have abandoned me
I'm just a stranger in a strange city
How many more days must I live this life
To have the angels standing right by my side?

All of the angels, all of the angels
All of the angels by my side
I think I'll be needing one tonight

I've been robbed of the love I used to have
Well, he stole my heart and never gave it back
So, angel, wrap your wings around me tight
I will have faith and never leave your side

All of the angels, all of the angels
All of the angels by my side
I think I'll be needing one
I think I'll be needing one
I think I'll be needing one tonight"
Oct 2013 · 222
Untitled
Jessica Head Oct 2013
“You may ask, why I did it?
But what choice did you leave me.“
Oct 2013 · 306
Of what?
Jessica Head Oct 2013
Damp thoughts.
Hurt feelings.
I‘m afraid.
Oct 2013 · 215
Untitled
Jessica Head Oct 2013
What is said is said.
I can always disappear.
I brought it upon myself!
Oct 2013 · 443
Untitled
Jessica Head Oct 2013
I'm Crazy.*
Slightly near the edge.
Oct 2013 · 220
Untitled
Jessica Head Oct 2013
I Love Your Wicked Mind!
Oct 2013 · 202
Untitled
Jessica Head Oct 2013
If only suicidal was that easy to get done..
They only care when your gone...
Sep 2013 · 714
Untitled
Jessica Head Sep 2013
Lastnight Wasn't As Worse As Few Years Ago.
When My Mother Was Drunk Nearly Everyday,
She Didn't Care About My Brother And Me.
Now I'm A Little Bit Older And Much More Protective
Over My Brother And Myself.
At Nights When My Mother Was Drunk Out Of Her ******* Mind.
Use To Hear Her Yelling And Going Crazy.
Taking Her Anger Out On Us Like We Were Her Punching Bag.
I Had No Choice To Live With Her And Put Up With Her.
My Biological Father Was Gone,
He Lived Far From Us.
Only People I had To Depend On Was My Sister's Or Granny And Uncle.
During Some Cold, Blizzard Winter Nights I Walked Off.
I Walk To Somewhere Safe.
I'm Sorry I Couldn't Take My Brother With Me
It Was Too Dangerous And Risky.
Putting My Life On The Line
Daring Jumping Out Of A Window And Landing On Snow Or Either Grass.
My Brother Was Always In A Safe Place With My Uncle's Somewhere.
My Mother Kept Me Home, Didn't Let Me Go Anywhere
Or I Had Nowhere To Go.
Glad I Didn't End My Life
Had All Those Chances To
But I Don't Know What Stopped Me.
To This Day I Still Don't Know Where I'm Trying To Go.
I Have Everything, Just Got To Try Figure Where Or What Am I Going To Do.
Happy I got My Granny And Uncle's House To Help Me.
My Mother Is Sometimes A Drunk But Not Worse.
Yeah! She Still Calls Me Down And All That.
I'm Use To Words And Fighting Back.
I Walk Away Cause Its Useless Arguing With A Drunk.
I don't Hide As Much Anymore.
My Attitude Changed After I Realised There Were Worser People In My Community.
I'm Still Happy That's If I Got A Dog Beside's Me Always.
Sep 2013 · 185
Untitled
Jessica Head Sep 2013
Half Of Love Is Just Low
Which Is How I Feel
My Spirit Is Breaking.
Sep 2013 · 482
Addictions
Jessica Head Sep 2013
Only Three Types
Of Drugs I'm Trying
To Stay Away From
****
Alochol
And You.
Sep 2013 · 414
I Have Found The Cure.
Jessica Head Sep 2013
The Cure To All The Darkest Days
Was A Person
I Rarely Spoke To
The Person
The Things I said
I Got To Quit Thinking
I Wresteled With Depression For A Whole Year.
I Did Not Noticed The Person Was There All This Time.
I Finally Found What I Was Looking For
The Cure.
The One And Only Person.
Jessica Head Sep 2013
Trapped.
Hurt.
Locked Up.
Only If I Can Escape My Mind.
And Speak Up.
Thoughts I Can‘t Bare.
Hate My Own Guts.
Guiltiness.
Sorriness.
Day‘s I Wished That Never Happened.
People I Wished That Were Never On This Earth.
I Just Want To Dig A Hole And Never Come Out.
Nothing But Emptiness.
Rusty Mind.
Dull days.
Cold Heart.
Hopeless.
People.
I‘m Going ******* Insane Staying Away.
Try Atleast Look On The Brightside.
Aug 2013 · 749
I'm
Jessica Head Aug 2013
I'm
When I see you.
My whole world feels at ease.
When I'm not with you
I feel lost, alone, scared.
I wish I can tell you how I feel about you.
But I don't know how you feel about me.
I'm confused.
I love you though.
I'm not too sure who you are.
But I love you.
Anxiety attacks occurs when I don't see you.
Was the first, and was the baddest ever. Eventually got better.

— The End —