She could hide a lot of things but
her fingers

they never lie

she smiled
even laughed
but the short
freshly ripped up nails
exposed her

She got employee of the month
yet the sides of her nails were red
bright red
and raw

She showed up
for everyone in her life
but her fingers constantly twitched
every second of the day
they twitched


Her fingers never lied
She couldn’t put makeup on them
She couldn’t put a filter on them
She couldn’t tell them to be ok

The only thing that could heal her fingers

was her
and time

i read this poem that said

when you feel yourself falling in love
to let yourself fall

we don’t experience it often
so embrace it

enjoy it

and from that day I did. when love came to me, i truly let myself fall in love. in every way.

I let my thoughts wander to you daily and you started to lived in them. You became an occupant in my brain. You made my existence feel lighter. you being there was…it was so real, I was there. i felt it.

but

just like that something happened. I don’t know when it did but the days of smiling on my daily car rides, turned drives consisting of only silent tears. when sound sleep turned to one maybe two hours of sleep. but it did. and just when I thought I forgot the pain you caused me, I feel it all over again. i cry at work, in my car, in my bed, in the shower, the river of tears doesn’t have an end. you destroyed me in the softest way and i feel that pain everywhere and all the time.

so the next time someone advises you to experience love, don’t listen.

i took the creamy crayon and swiped my face with it. i took the black wand and made my lashes look longer. i tilted my head back to see if my makeup needed adjusting, it didn’t. i thought i looked like the prettiest girl in the world, and for a second I was.

you invited me out, and i kept checking to make sure i looked good in my driver side mirror. i was so excited to see you, i really was. all i could think about was seeing you and being with you.

when i got there i saw you standing there but you couldn’t be bothered to notice me. i was invisible, but that’s ok i had but just got there. i waited but you never came, but that’s ok i’m not high maintenance i don’t need you around all the time.

i saw that girl i thought you liked a long time ago, it was never confirmed or denied. she was there but i thought she was with a guy who was also there. i’m not sure, but i’m not sure at what point it happened but a knot was starting to form in my stomach.

we decided to go to volleyball courts. me and some girls I just met. i saw you standing next to her and you seemed captivated by her. i understood. she is very beautiful, way more than I was & people love her too.  

i saw her hop in your car and you actually drove her to her car. that was nice. a boy has never done that for me.

you didn’t say goodbye when u left the plans you invited me too. but that’s ok really i understand.

when your a kid
you think your parents can do no wrong

then you grow up and see
that they do the most wrong

i looked up to the stars
hoping they would bring me the peace i earned to have

but it didn’t work

the tears jumped out
against my will

they flowed
for what felt like an eternity
and the empty, ugly felling in my stomach
formed so prominently

i’m never going to know love
i’m not worthy of it

i am not

the girl you fall in love with at first sight

i am  

the girl who you see behind her beautiful friend

i am not

the girl who gets numbers written on the side of her coffee cup from the cute barista

i am

the girl who boys use to get to my pretty friends

i am not

the skinny girl with a big **** and perfect curves

i am

the girl with disproportionately big *****

i am not

a super organized and color coordinated

i am

the girl who has fly always and a messy purse


i am not that girl
and i will never be her
i don’t know what i am
but i know it will never be enough

i slide down the blue plastic chair
in my denim shorts that reached my mid thigh

the bare part of my thighs skidded against the now body temperature chair
as I slide down

I rubbed my eyes-

part out of boredom and part out of tiredness

once the stars from where I just rubbed my eyes disappeared
I leaned forward
and I picked up my yellow number two pencil

filling in the dot carefully
sure not to streak outside of it

I knew that if I did I could get the answer wrong or it wouldn’t process
and that couldn’t happen