I lust for the boring consistency of brewing coffee at 7 AM on a Monday
I crave 2 hour commutes home on rainy Friday evenings
And simple Sundays of shameless indulgence
And football
I don't even like football
But I want to watch it all Sunday long
I want the life I swore away with tattoos and one bedroom apartments for the past two years
I want a life so painfully secure my obituary states "boredom" as my primary cause of death

i drank a bottle of wine in bed/that does not make me romantic/i slept for sixteen hours today and i am still so ******* tired/i drove around my neighborhood chain smoking with burning eyes/i stood in my swimming pool and starred at the sky and wondered if i was losing my ******* mind/i am not peacefully sad;there is no such thing/i moved to a city where i thought id finally get to know me/i ran home bandaged and shaking five months later/i keep swearing to myself im gonna get better/i used to believe me/but i dont know how to anymore/my pain is not a ******* trend

I spent so much time trying not to lose my mind
That I didn't even realize
When it finally happened
But here I am
Smoking the filter of a menthol
And crying in the driver's seat,
For a forty minute ride
To no where
Cause I can't sit still anymore

All of the friends who used to
Drink cheap beer
on the floor of my bedroom
Have people who'd cry
If they didn't come home tonight
My coworkers are
there for their children,
I'm just trying to make rent for one
And no one would know if I didn't come home tonight

No one would call if I drove forever
So why do I feel so tied
to this place?

A trash can full
Of fragmented sentences
Held between red margins
And blue lines,
They poured out all over your
Bedroom floor, with torn edges;
You'd say that
No combination of words
Ever conveyed
Your feelings right
On the first try;
So I guess that's why
The first time you said
"I love you"
You took it back three weeks
Later and said
"No I just need you"
And I guess that's why
The first time you said
"No I just need you",
You reminded me how thin the line
Between necessity and desire
Is an hour later
And I guess that's why
The first time you said
"I can't do this"
You did it anyway
Over and over
And over again
And I guess that's why
the first time you called to say
You missed me
You really meant
You were lonely;
You never got it right on the first try
But you were a perfectionist
And you hated to leave things unfinished
So, you took your time
Ripping me into a million
Fragmented sentences
And throwing more of me away
With every passing day
Until I was a pile of bones
Stitched together with nothing
Except your
Bed sheets
And a black V-neck
Sweater;
Hollowed out
And expressionless,
I never looked better;
Once I had nothing left
To throw away
You pinned me up
And left me hanging;
Hanging on
Your words
Like an animal in a cage,
Swallowing bits and pieces
Of your affection as
You'd occasionally
Toss some at my feet;
I've been tongue tied for three years
You've been spitting words down my neck
But I can hardly taste them anymore,
So when I melt
Into your arms
For an other night in a row
Just know
It was never enough

the first night you wrapped your arms around my waist and kissed my forehead, i cried myself to sleep
and the first morning you called just to say "have a good day", i failed a math test
the first afternoon we spent lying in your bed, i screamed with the window down the whole way home
the first time we fought, i smoked a pack of cigarettes in my drive way with my hands shaking violently and my knees pulled up to my chest
and the first time we made up, i spent three days writing poems about the skin on your fingertips and the shadows under your eyes
"i didn't get home until pretty late, so i didn't want to wake you, but if you get this in the morning, i hope you have a good day at school... call me when you get home.. oh, and...
i love you, i love you, i love you.
okay"
i listened to that voice mail every day for the first week that we did not speak.
and re-read text messages for the first month and a half.
i still remember deleting it all. she held my hand and said, "you can't keep torturing yourself." i held my breath and said, "well there, i'm free."
but i felt the walls caving in on me.
and i couldn't understand why i needed the sound of your laugh more than the roof over my head.
and i couldn't understand how my skull fit into the bend of your elbow with more ease than my tempurpedic pillow.
"i'm sorry i haven't gotten in touch with you. i wasn't sure if it'd hurt you to hear from me... but i do miss you a lot and i hope everything is okay."
your name danced across the screen of my phone,
one time at 2:00 A.M. and i felt nauseous all of the following day.

my sister and i
swam in the hotel swimming pool
last weekend when we were away
and the smell of chlorine in my hair
made my stomach turn, because
it reminded me of the summer
we fell asleep on the floor of my living
room, with our bathing suits on
every night for three weeks straight

most days the sense of longing
is so strong that it knocks the wind
from my lungs
and i'm just afraid
that i'll never learn
to breathe easy again