I wonder....
Is it grand design
was it written in the stars long ago
can my destiny change or is it set in stone
does every question have an answer
because I need to know
does true love exist or is it just false hope

When you kiss me my throat erupts with eternal darkness.
The darkness of passion.
The darkness of death.
The darkness of my own, your own.
Who knew the devil lies behind angel kisses and godly stares.

If I wasn't gay would people care?
Would they actually let me breath the same air?
Could I actually go to school,
without people being so cruel?
Could I live in a world with no hate?
Maybe people would love me if I was straight.
It's not as easy as people think.
I can't just go to a shrink.
I didn't choose to be this way.
You really think I'd want to be gay?
I don't want attention,
I don't want fame.
This isn't some sort of game.
I am who I am and thats okay.
Most people don't see it that way.
I only wish I could be the same.
To have a wedding and it not be shamed.
I want to have kids and not be judged.
I don't want my reputation smudged.
But apparently I'm different now.
Sick in the head somehow.
Therapy and shock treatment for something that can't be fixed.
How did I get put into this mix?
Toxic and tragic,
that's my life.  
It's like I was stabbed in the back with a knife.
I'm gay,
what's wrong with that?
I get treated like some rat.
Using your holy books and your religion.
To fight against something that makes no difference.
I want to be a human not a punching bag.
Always getting called a ***.
Let that word have power and it gets to you.
But that words as good as whatever is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love being this way.
I don't care what you say.

it's getting bad again.

the kind of bad that makes death look attractive.

daddy's little disappointment.

WHAT IF IT NEVER GETS EASIER?

HOW MANY CUTS DOES IT TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU SOMETHING HURTS INSIDE?

HOW DEEP SHOULD THE BLADES SLICE BEFORE YOU SEE IT?

HOW MUCH BLOOD UNTIL I'VE DRAINED IT FROM MY SYSTEM?

Emptiness
A void that my entire self is lost in

Waking up in the middle of night
Cold sweats
Screaming
Pain

Worrying
All I can do is worry

The void in my mind stretches faster and larger every day
There's a gap
What do I fill it with?

More emptiness.
More searching.
No finish.
No ending.
No beginning.