Can't begin to explain what this feels like.
An entirely new frame of mind and state of life.
But there's something very familiar lingering in
The changing colors of the trees,
And autumn offers no relief from this seeping grief
Like nose bleeds flooding lungs and underneath
These sinking teeth lies something rotting with disease-
Its in the wind, Its in the sin,
It's in the spin of Satan's grin when
One day you realize- God isn't real.
And neither is anything else.
It's heaven's hell,
A magic spell cast by innocent little girls
'Til one day you grow up, and realize there is
No gold star in an adult sky for the slaughtered demise of this
"Innocence..."
It slits the soft skin like a silver regret-
Cold like the choke hold of guilt around your neck-
Fills up your head, like
Bad dreams and ***** scenes,
Wearing sleeves in smoldering heat.
Trick or Treat has new meaning
When Halloween offers hollow shelter in masks and costumes-
Hide this monster I've devised, locked deep inside
This ****** up mind.
The world has robbed me blind of my own time.
there's no one there to ask me if I'm fine.

*Am I?

I wish my wrists were slit-
A crimson kiss of vicious bliss
To stitch this twisted rigid ripped up grip
On the anger, violence, aggression within.
My sin is slipping silver in to skin
And digging in to who I am,
Don't think I'll ever understand.
Don't want to find a better plan.
I'll be ****** before I'm dry,
All this blood keeps me alive.
I need to see it on the outside,
Remind me to get out of my mind-
Live my life and use my time
To fight against the grind and strive
For better things and brighter lights.
Darkness has it's own insight
But I've got mine,
And that's just fine.
Organized in pretty lines.

My niece turned 7 today.
I look at her pictures, and she is a beautiful
Little girl,
A child,
Just a kid.
She is innocent, pure, and beaming with light
Glowing with a future of brightness.
And see I look at this picture
Of 7 year old me
And I am corrupt-
Grown up, wasted,
Not a kid anymore.
My innocence was taken from me
And my future was only ever darkness.
See cause I just can't picture my sweet little niece
As not a ******,
I can't imagine her naked child body as anything
But sacred and untouched.
But I remember praying to God
That I wouldn't burn in hell
Cause I was the only little girl in Sunday school
That Jesus didn't want for a sunbeam.
And I remember my naked child body
Raw, and pulsing with pain,
Aching with what I couldn't understand.
I can't imagine her smiling baby teeth
Open up and swallow poison
As a 5 year old suicide attempt
Like I did at that age.
Sometimes the flashbacks sneak out my tearducts
And roll down my face,
And I feel like I'm 7 again.
But I just can't imagine her feeling that way.
And I just want her to be my baby niece forever,
Even though I know I can't protect her.
She wrote a love note to a boy in class
That read, "Do you want to kiss me?
Circle yes or no."
Her mom thought it was cute.
But all I could think of
Was my first French kiss;
Slimy, sloppy kid tongues-
And I just have to stop right there.
I always wished she'd stay 6 forever,
So she never has to grow up like I did.
Cause 7-year-olds should be children,
Not ******.
Not like me.
I can't imagine hickeys on her neck,
Bruises on her thighs,
Or cuts on her wrists.
When I picture her as a young woman
I don't see scars-
But the same bright future,
The same radiant smile (only with big-girl teeth.)
When I picture her as my age,
I hope the skeletons in her closet
Are sneaking out at night and lying in the morning.
I hope she has the innocent kind of fun.
And if anyone tries to take herself from her-
I will *******
****** them.

Today would've been our anniversary-
But I'm spending it with my not-new boyfriend,
And you're probably doing something adventurous
With your new wife.
She would've been me,
If I hadn't left you for our best friend
The friend I gave you.
He taught me to free myself,
And you are more ignorant than I-
Because you think you're so ******* holy
And I hope you drown in your self-richousness.
My boyfriend and I
2 years and 8 months later
Were invited to your birthday party last week.
Of course we didn't go,
But I texted you to say thanks, anyway.
I got your number from my friend
That I gave you.
You replied that it was really only my boyfriend
Who would've been welcome
Cause your new wife doesn't want us to "interact."
What is she so scared of?
Couldn't be your cheating lips.
Your wife-
The one who would've been me,
And I'm so ******* glad that never happened.
Because you're a slave to your God,
The God you left me for,
The God I gave you.
I can't believe I'm writing about you again.
But this will be the last time,
And you and your wife can go get ****** in holy matrimony.

Imagine looking into yourself
So deeply your eyeballs slip
Through the sockets and
Melt in your brain acid...
Ooze out black sludge through
The gaping holes and see
Yourself through the rotting
View of decrepit dreams.
Suicide of a shadow that
Dared touch the light.
Sought something better but
Ate yourself for supper.
No nutrients in negligence,
No eyes in my head.