What if I would have disappeared before I even ****** us up..
You would be happ834
But I didnt..
And I'm sorry.
I'm a burden

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves

I understand that I'm not the lad of your dreams,
The lad you want in a relationship with you,
Or the lad you'll dance with.
And that I'm too hopeful for these things.

But, what I do hope comes true.
That one day, when you're painting. You use a certain hue of blue.
That reminds you of my eyes.
And then you realize.
That I would have traveled the world for you.
And that I loved you, more than anything.

"Find an anchor"
Because anchors hold you down,
And keep you from floating out to sea,
I once thought it was love,
Though that was silly of me,
Because love is pretentious,
And is no longer a part of me.
Love is dead,
And the only thing that anchors me down,
Are the thoughts in my head.

Looking through photographs of me throughout the past,
How I grew,
How I changed into the man I wished to be,
But at a sudden spike,
You look into my eyes,
And they look as hollow as can be.
Ever since that day,
My eyes lack blue and give off grey.
The red, the blue, and all other hues,
Have faded.
The world is black and white.
And the hardest times are at night.
Those are the nights im urged to drink,
So I don't think.
Thoughts of anything but you,
But you're all the my mine think about,
And every hope, is shaded by doubt.
Addiction is not just for substance,
It is also for emotion,
And intoxication,
While intoxicated by the *****,
Nothing is more intoxicating than you.
I glance around the fuzzy room,
And put on a cover,
A costume,
A plastic smile...
A true smile,
Well, that's been dead for awhile.

People use definitions to define others, along with themselves.
such as I?
Well, I am worthless.

I remember hearing the sound of heels,
clicking behind me,
I recall how it made me feel,
I thought when I turned around Id see the most gorgeous lass,
And I was right,
I saw you.

I love who I am, I swear I do,
But on nights like these,
it's hard to believe
That anyone else could love me too.

Today you told me
"Go home"
I told you I was...
You said to me,
"No you're on the street"
You didn't realize my home isn't the house I live in.
Home is with you.

He's a ghost and she looks right through him,
Somedays he wonders if she sees him at all.

He is the sun, and she is the moon.
Somedays he ponders if she ever wishes to meet up with him too.

though is it said,
A human and ghost cannot be together
Nor can the sun and moon meet.

I began my year with wanting to be your New Years kiss,  funny how that's how it's ending too.

When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

"do you hate anyone"
Yes, myself.
And I'm sorry, I know you want me to be happy with who I am.
Because I do no good,
And I'm sorry, I know you deserve better.
No matter how hard I try,
I'm sorry, maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't want to be bad
I'm sorry I lied and said I was good
But I always **** up.
I'm sorry, I'm always sorry
So almost every sentence is followed with "I'm sorry"
Just know, I'm sorry, for everything

He hadn't the slightest clue of who would leave or stay.
So he spent his days pushing them away.
Until he saw those gorgeous eyes, the girl who could break down the towering walls along his heart.
And soon because the muse for all of his art.

I would have taken a thousand beatings,
A bullet,
Death threats,
Redo schooling all again,
Give up acting ability,
Traveled the world...
I would have done anything that you named..
Just to be with you again.

When I saw your smile,
It sparked a light off inside me,
And with the light, flowers sprouted,
And a garden grew...
But now your gone,
And the light dimmed to a flicker,
But the flicker caught a tree,
And set a fire.
The flowers are gone,
and land is surrounded by ash and soot.
And a few ******* words was all it took.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

Everyone has different defitions for each word.
And for mine...
It's you

I haven't broken in months,
and the only thing I want worse than shattered knuckles and a ****** fist,
Is your lips against mine,
Though,
I'll act as if everything is swell,
I'll say everything is fine.
But I know that we can't, that we won't be.
and I know the fact but I can't not dwell.

This world's crazy,
And my thoughts are growing hazy,
Of how your lips felt against mine,
And how our bodies would intertwine.

I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.

I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.

My fingers are raw.
I spend hours with my guitar playing in attempt to clear my mind...
But oh god, she was in every ******* song lyric.
In every song I've learned how to play

People may say that I'm bad,
maybe it's because I yearn to be your habit,

                                             Because,
                                             ****, how I crave that I could be a cigarette,
                                             Packed full of nicotine,

                                             With each inhale with me against your lips,
                                             Your intoxicating lips
                                             You would slowly grow addicted,


If I'm bad,
than then let it be so,
but if I have to be bad,
let me be your bad habit, baby girl.

Maybe later  we will meet again under differerent circumstance,
And maybe then I'll have a chance

Five shots,
And a couple beers,
And you're still not out of my mind.
You're not supposed to ******* be here

The fact that death lurks after me frightens me.
I never noticed how easy it is to halt a pulse, how easy it is for a heart to stop.
Maybe I'm not even scared of death.
Maybe I'm scared of not living a memorable life.

Reserved
/rəˈzərvd/
Adjective.
Definition: Kept for a certain purpose or person.
I have a spot for you, it's reserved.
It's vacant, and it has been since you left..
I wish it otherwise, I wish someone was there, filling that gap
but I want you..
And the matter of current events says it will be left as is.
Empty.

She told him not to kiss her goodbye,
Because kissing goodbye means leaving,
Though now he glances at the photo frame,
And remembers how he never got a goodbye kiss..
He snatches the frame off the desk and looks down.
It holds a picture of her and him,
A picture with a fond stranger.

"What do you want"
I..-
"Anything at all, whatever you wish"
Her happiness.
"What are you willing to sacrifice."
Everything..

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

A part of me wants you to say my name,
Just as innocent as can be,
As in the way to grab my attention.
Just to start a conversation with me.

But a hungry part of me wants to hear you moan my name.
As you did im the past,
Just as it was back during summer,
God those days went by too fast.

People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.

Oh, She changed my world from black and grey, to shades of every hue.
She wrapped her rope around my heart,
I knew it the second I looked in her jade eyes,
She had me hooked from start.

I told you every body left,
I told you every body gave up.
You assured me you wouldn't,
I believed you...
But It turns out I was right.

I promised my grandmother, Id never be in a jail.
Along with another promise, that I would I always be true to myself.
But today I broke her promise.
I stood under the light, trying to gasp for air,
A jail is so uncomfortable, so unfair.
Sitting there, having society make you "correct",
Having society reform you to be who you "should" be,
Telling you how you "should" do.
I sat in misery,
In agony.
I wasn't true to myself tonight,
I'm sorry Mimi
Though I hadnt choice,
I had no voice.
I stood there holding back tears,
Holding back the person I had worked to be all the years
Standing, engulfed by the walls of my cell,
But, the cell was not a room,
I was not enclosed by brick walls,
Or metal bars.
Yet, black fabric, and careful stitches which made up the dress.

She said she loved his long hair,
That's why when he went to the hairdresser he got his hair buzzed.

I went through the entire day,
I was fine, until I saw the date.
The 28th...
*******, why did you walk away?

I lie to myself often,
Like saying you'll come visit me,
Or that you'll want me back...
It makes it easier to get through the day.

Whichever parent told me "sticks and stones will break my bones and words will never hurt me" is ******* misguided.
Because words are one of the most destructive weapons that I've ever faced.
Though do you know why words can be the most painful weapon?
Because words can ease the curiosity that the human mind loves to conjure up.
Words can lift a person up, make them feel ecstatic.
Though on the polar end.
The words a person has one said
Can be the reason an individual wants whiskey in their veins instead of blood cell,
Every **** word,
Can echo in a person head.
Haunting them.
Causing the individual to tear themself apart

I'm a messy eater,
I mix up my words,
I never quite make sense,
I'm loud,
And I often frustrate you..
But just know that I adore you.

"What was so different about her than everyone else?"
We clicked, I didn't have to try hard,
Everything was so natural,
We had our differences, yeah.
Though they didn't define us.
We were happy together.
I'm not saying there weren't problems,
But we faced them, and they usually never bested us,
But,
She was home.

"Isn't hiding your relationship a huge *** burden?"
No, it's not the best circumstance.. But it's worth it.
"How?"
When I can say something sweet, and see that smile.
Hear a sweet name,
Or go hold her,
Or see her for a few minutes after a long time,
Or hear her voice...
It's all worth it

4 A.M last night I long for you to be in my arms,
2 P.M last week on Wednesday I wanted your lips against mine,
It's always the same strain of thought going throughout my mind,
No matter what day or time,
You have a tendency to invade every corner in my mind.

My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.

"I won't break up with him, if we're were i break up, it would because he broke up with me"
Every since that was said... I've had a lump in my throat... Because you said such a similar thing to me...

My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.

The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

Put me on display,
Like I'm a work of Art in a museum.
I want criticism,
I want to know what to be,
so I can be good enough.