Cacophony of sounds
As I arise from the tunnel
that manages to smell like wet Earth

People everywhere, walk this way and that
Buildings rise up so people can be
stacked atop one another
Something is available for sale
at every step

A "Farmer's Market" where everything is organic
As diesel fumes spew out from passing vehicles
and the dust and toxic filth of cramped quarters
is flung up by each passing car
where everything has been stepped on sat on spat on
at least once
Hard to believe there is land
underneath the concrete and fossile fuels
and hazardous waste mixed in to it all
That this was once just a field
with soil underneath

And people leave the market with their "organic" food protected
and sealed in clear plastic bags
and despite the hybrid vehicles
the zip cars car pools public transportation cable cars
this place is a filthy mess

At home the people dump the organic salad mix
into a bowl and crunch the plastic bag into another one
under the sink and pour over some salad dressing
on the organic leaves
and settle down to eat with a slight zest of plastic coating everything
They sit underneath a roof that conceals asbestos and cockroaches
and I love the city

Your eyes should be on the bottom of the pool
Not a very interesting place
A blue line of tiles interrupted by black ones that cross and then make a T
The sign the you better take a last breath and flip over or your cranium will make serious contact with cement
It is a kind of meditation, watching those little blue tiles glide by
as you flail around doing your swimmer's best on the surface
Like counting breaths, who could be anxious here?
At one point, my imagination flies away with me and I am
arguing in that dreaded meeting and cruel words are being spoken
and there is no stillness, so I grab for the gutter on one end, close my eyes and wait for it to stop
I hope the lifeguard doesn't think I need to be taken out of the water.
It's only panic.  
Then I return, really focusing again on climbing up that blue line

It means you are really next to something
You are near
The conspirators
in Julius Caesar had to be close
to sink in the knife
the old way of killing

It means, you are with another person
who you really like
who you trust
who you allow to be near
and share your vulnerable self: emotional, physical
because you trust
he would never
sink in a knife

But what happens
if that person you trusted
you lived with, you are close to
becomes a conspirator
and sinks in knife after knife
until you are a heap on the floor
crying out tears, not blood
time and again
ruthless, relentless
until you feel like just a blob of emotion
spreading out like a blood stain on the floor

It's the "unkindest cut of all"
from Brutus
except worse
because a man and wife
are even closer than Julius Caesar and Brutus

That fear in me
Will it ever end?
Will I ever want another man
to be close?

The hurtful one, gone
I am closer to finding that one
who is worthy
who is kind and capable
the books I've read, the five hundred years in therapy
pay off a little as I walk away from one
who can't, maybe doesn't know how
who looked at my pictures and liked only the "comer hither" look in some
and saw nothing else and that is all he can see but I am more than that
and he is gone and I am one little tiny step closer to the one who can love me

like my mind is filled with ideas
my material world is boxed in by things
over capacity knowledge stores on paper pads
and journals by the pound
around me they surround
time capsules prepared industriously on the daily by me
notes and books and handouts and work outs, all strewn about
my mind externally, representing fragment thoughts ideas left whole
thoughts pursued and cast aside and fleshed out to live a life of their own
Ordinary mortals see a cluttered desk, books and papers spilling over this
But it's a furnace of the imagination, taking shape, each item a puzzle piece to be
put together, and torn apart and worked on through the night until it's just right.

Last year, you were gracious
We sat attentively listening to your endless commentary
on the making of coffee and watched carefully as you used your two hundred dollar
coffee machine and grinder to munch up cooked beans and
make them into brown slightly oily bean juice
and so long as we were sufficiently impressed, we could partake.

This year, you gossip behind the scenes
approach people about what to do about me
drinking your coffee creamer, which is also special
and you stare at me with a look that seems to want
me to make your world flourish and grow and the sun to shine
on you every day and to renew your life with my heartfelt amazement
at your being
like a mother at her newborn child

And I am only trying to survive, and you have plenty of coffee creamer
so I can't even make it up to you, and I do not share your worry
that someday, you might open up the now crowded fridge and find nothing
I do not understand this kind of devastation
It seems petty and silly to someone like me who has woken up
to the blood and guts and body meat scattered around
her own life and had to scramble and fear and survive somehow

So when confronted, there's nothing I can do
but apologize, and I dissapoint again by not sharing things in common with you
and this angers you and you behave like an ignored child because I'm supposed
to share your world and interest and if not at least fake it because
that's what you need and I have the body of a mother
who is to give to the world who needs and needs
and that is supposed to be my job, my vocation
and my only wish in life

So I make my own bean juice and it's foul and rancid but I don't care
because the truth is, I never cared about your coffee
like a lover who is jaded and has given up, I was only faking it

No, you say
too obvious you must think
She looks confused
You were all up on her a second ago
Her pregnant body
swelling *******
Calculations of a lifetime
How to play them
Those little women
with a wife at home
What can you get before you
steal away to the next
That glance
That stare
How far has it ever gone
A long marriage
Your shrine to it
Perfect family
The lady doth...methinks
How far has it gone?
Have those lingering stares made you
enter darkened rooms
and fumbled in the dark for that fire
Have you ever found it
Does she care?
The little woman at home?
Or is it only, you come home to her
and that's what matters

I could think of many swear words to express my
profound distress at the need to work again
Such a normal thing to have to do and yet
I turn against me
I'd rather be doing other things,
Wouldn't we all?
Your words still wound me and I'm supposed to forget them
What a tough time this is
All my flaws suddenly turn technicolor
They're all I see, all my mother would see
You have taken her place and I want you to love me
What a joke. Really when I can walk on water she will love me.
And so will you.  But those moments that filled me with rapture
I had your positive attention, and I was was floating.
It was an illusion.  I was the one forgiving my flaws
I was the one suddenly appreciating me
I was the one feeling useful and worthy
You were just standing there, giving me a flash
of your time and no more because you are basically stingy
So today, I felt like such a loser but I asked a cute swim coach
about the Master's work-outs and I could join
Me who only swims because of a lifetime of bad knees
But there are men of all ages thrashing about in the pool
Walking out for the world to see in the Speedos
And I look up for a breath of a breastroke and I see what lies underneath the lycra
So, honestly, it would be a social, healthy, motivating kind of thing
If I am worthy of it, if I can forgive my out of shapeness and lack of technique
The men, bare chested, some with hair, some not, all nearly naked
swimming back and forth and then chattering about their man lives
One more piece of motivation

You know it won't help you
But you do it anyway
When the going gets tough
You try to look the other way
You try to ignore that gnawing feeling
You know if you do it it will send you reeling
Maybe you have your little stash
Or maybe it's a phone call away with a little cash
Or maybe you've put it in a far away place
Hoping against hope that it's there you won't race

And time and again, no matter how much you try
You can sit still, you can't cry
You turn to that thing you use
To take away those terrible blues
You want it so bad, your fingers tremble
And when you get it you feel real nimble
But also a sickening sensation inside
Your dissapointment in yourself, you can't hide

After it's all over you resolve again
I'll never, ever to this again
And really, I hope it's true
But if you're like me, when you come up blue
Time and again, you'll end up using
Even though you know it's you who is losing

You must never give up
You must always try
And one fine day
You'll get it right
You'll sail into some dark abyss
And find, you can handle this

The heat of the laptop seeps through the Israeli pillow on my lap
My life on hold for the last few weeks, now about to be completely gone
for this last week
I'm a performing idiot for authorities I cannot see
participating in this hot steaming mess in the company
of little picture icons of other "students"
I didn't have to move yet to take these classes
which is good, since they started before my job ended
but I am living an isolated farce, of pressure coming through my wi fi
is it real?  the quiet, sweaty summer, my plans shelved for now
all fun awaits as I read, read, write in little responses in little boxes and have
take some video, upload to little boxes and
the unimaginable happened yesterday, my wifi was down
so I called and looked and sweated and finally took sleeping pills
hoping tomorrow the laptop on the footstool would come to life
and it did, so the process continues
reading,  sweating
little boxes of information returned to me
How I long to just meet these people, once, in a room

We're working on a job together
Actually, we're building a set
And yes, there's been many other times we've met

You weren't so nice to me, but since this job there's a gentler turn
I see it when you approach me, you show a softer side
And when the others leave, you approach me closer, with a quicker stride

Today I had no doubt, it was easy to read between the lines
You came in quietly, and I'll be honest, you weren't looking fine
As we talked, you seem so fascinated, I felt so watched
This was definitely being taken up a notch

So we arrived at a part of the set and you asked me if I liked the plan
I didn't particularly care for it, but honestly it didn't remind me of a man
You said, it's boxy, sharp corners, a masculine design
"Maybe you'd like it curvy," you say, and I'm looking at your sight line

They say you can tell where someone is looking from a hundred feet away
Well, this was much less feet than that today
I knew exactly where you were looking
I knew what that look meant
And yes, I liked it better curvy
So maybe your advice was heaven sent

Luminol when sprayed on a cleaned wall
that was once stained with the blood of a human being
will light up every splatter, and reveal the crime scene in all it's
chaotic splendor, even after years of careful hiding

Things happen every day in my creamy, dreamy life
moods, like the calm bay that hides the sharks underneath
the blood splatter of the natural cycle is covered in blue indistinct waves
while carnage and drama play themselves out in the silent muted depths

And as the bay gets darker the further you go down
especially in the deep canyon where a fervent Japanese submarine snuck
into California waters, and chased a boat around briefly before dissapearing
forever, just as these depths contain mystery and waste
so my thoughts, once so churned and pained, lie dormant and unseen
with the plastic forks that are stuck in the sand
and the plastic bags that move by in the darkness like ghosts
Because beneath the surface, in that deepest groove
is where all the pain and waste and wreck of civilization has accumulated
and is creating a new order in a once pristine reusable recyclable landscape
But I cannot see my depths, only try to feel them
in a primitive way, like sonar--what is this?
A small submersible floats through the deep cold water down there
through the snow flakes of biological residue that is food for life
and it looks at the garbage and sends back a video signal
that this is a warning, of our ceaseless, accumulating destruction unseen

Deathline, trapped, burdened, crashed, crushed
Locked up for hours muddling thoughts of escape
The sun, the bright freezing sky, dark blue churned up ocean topped with white caps
like moving whipped cream
I dream, from my claustrophobic place
Pressure cooked, mind squished, must I say this again and again
Finish. Burden lifted, fantasy of floating away
must stay, mind locked into treadmill, rolling out producing
breathing stale air, mind in a tunnel, through muddy darkness

A black and white X-ray I couldn't afford
clear and perfect, digitally presented with scientific precision
A tumor.  
Inside your small fuzzy belly
Your skeleton is perfect, little street cat
We met over twelve years ago on a beach in Haifa
You were crying out, abandoned, starving
I took you in and loved you
We've been together, long after my bond with that male human ended
I wish he'd care now to hear of your plight
I don't want you to leave me, please don't go
You were with me through all the trauma and fear of divorce
You were flown across the world to me, to hide under a blanket
In your California home, a new citizen, without papers
I couldn't afford that, either
I can't afford to lose you
I love you and I always will, feline companion

All that is left are silent pictures
I wish I could reach out and touch you
Your ashes, all I have left
of you my friend, gone too soon, why?
Nature is cruel, and final
what I wouldn't do to have you back again

I gave the box of books you gave me
I removed the box of books to ease the pain
I trembled as I carried them downstairs
to your office
you were behind a closed door talking to a false blonde
she listened to your words and nodded

What are they?
Words I listened to as you began to guide me
to work I enjoyed
As a shark circled around me, the one before me, taking me in, finding the right time to attack
So hungry.  
I felt her presence the entire time
Did you know?

You gave me the benefit of your past
Set the bar for me, worried over it
and I came through for you.


Walking through the empty halls
An ominous feeling
Something is amiss
I always know
Why do I always have to have the premonition?

The office door closes, I watch you take your seat
behind your power desk
A big space between you and me
like I'm a threat to you, something to fight off
Attack first, so I don't send you flying
What are you thinking?
You words come out, fresh from the corporate factory of talking points
You're not it, she will take it to the next level
You are not enough for us. You are done.

If I am surprised on the hopeful side of my brain
it's because you dissembled, don't you see?
Now you act like I'm an upstart
Claiming what was never mine
Don't I know my place?
I wasn't hired for this
These words
I sit passively
Feeling the poison set in

My mentor, my guide
I want to drop my keys on the floor
run from the room
drive from this place and never come back

I am tied by a paycheck to the chair
How I dream of running from the room
In my mind, I have escaped from your daggers
In reality, I sit obediently on the chair as you
stop talking realizing no one is talking to you
I can't remember how I left the room

I give you a box full of invisible tears today
I return sadness

Later, you are
Slumped in your vast leather chair
Looking tired

Tomorrow I will see you again
rushing around with the other bosses
breaking heads, crushing spirits
My pain forgotten

Broken into a thousand anxious pieces
stomped upon and disliked
rejected and neglected and humiliated
like a broken dish someones gone crazy on
until the porcelin has turned into the powder it came from
Like sand, or flour, it does not resemble a dish at all, but could
become something else, most likely swept up into a dustpan and dumped
a million microscopic pieces of a former dish, that is me
A mess of powder splatter on the floor
what will I become next?

What kills comes
Not
from the outside
but
From within

There was a dog eating festival in a province in China
and tens of thousands of hapless dogs were brutally killed
and it happens all the time, cats too
why?
I want to turn into a superhero and pick up all the helpless creatures
who suffer at our hands
I want to protect them, but can't
I can't imagine how people can do this
No that's not true, I can

Ain't no love in my life
I don't wanna hear about it
Can't even think about it

Inside me rocks an ocean
Waves push me this way and that
Can't tell what's wrong
When a dude goes bad on me

Just sit there like a sea anenome
Feel the pain and never move away
Let him push me all the way
Think it's love and it's only pain

I don't want no love
Don't know what it is
Can't see it if it's right in my face
Maybe that's a disgrace
But it's the truth I can't erase

I unblocked you on Facebook
and I looked
My temperature rose
Not in a good way
I started to sweat
You make me so nervous
I don't want to see you again

Maybe you got another job
Maybe I'm wrong, and you don't cling there like a barnacle
But who am I kidding

You will be there again
Looking, a stare a bit too long,
Then, when I need you, absent

My goal is not to need you
You are my judge, only
You will decide my fate next year
I wish I liked you, but I don't

I never did, my mind played tricks on me
It always does
Can't go that route again
Thinking of you makes my skin crawl
It's blood being pulled away from the skin
Conserved, so when the Sabre Tooth Tiger strikes
there won't be so much blood
That's physiology, fight, flight, freeze or I don't know

All I know is, I don't want to see you again.

It was an innocent question and he looked at me and I could see
his chest heaving up and down, "no, nothing at all.  That's it."
We were alone in a windowless room and he had the key
He could lock it, this older man, my X boss
He looked stiff as a board and standing like he had his hands up
showing he had no evil intentions and
online I flirted with a man his same age and was amazed
when we finally met, at his ****** frenzy
tearing at my clothes, this man who I'd write off as needing
assistance from modern science, grabbing for my body parts
in desperation and power, yes, masculine energy and all the strength
and desire of testosterone reaching, holding, biting
and I thought of my X boss, and that strange moment
when we were alone together and I realized
looking back, how he wanted to lock that door and demand of me
the same things
Always after that, re-assuring me, when we had to meet that
there would be a female present
like a male OB-GYN doing an exam has a nurse in the room

He's a bit odd, this groovy guy
without cash it seems and young, so young
and strange, new age and runs barefoot every day
and oh, what muscular legs he photographs and one day
he'd done it before, but  one day, a picture of his legs and dropped shorts
surfer shorts, keys on top, at the pinnacle of some hill
Kind of a thrill and he posts his feet running, running
up and up and then a view and I love to think of him
And imagine, and yet I know how silly it is to think of
his strong arms, and such well formed body
working out his core, always the core, everything
is the core, the core
Working it out, with me.

There's one e-mail I always delete and it's yours
and it's not the boring repetitive ones or the ones that have nothing at all
to do with me, I can let those stack up in my mail box
I have a collection, thousands of them
But you and yours, make me ill.  How you brag and have
taken over what was my job last year and is now so clearly yours
and have you ever, ever even said a word to me, even though I was
the one to do the ***** work to get it all started?  No, I am just
so last year to you.  I don't exist.  I see your bragging testimonials
to your greatness followed by pleading ones for money--teddy grams?
Really. And the one time I did see you, you were not nice.  
So I delete your e-mail and really I'd like to delete the whole experience from
my mind.  All those late hours in that cold theater with undisciplined kids
Always thinking, I am doing this to have a job for the future.
This is why.  And then you just waltz in and you were so excited
I sent you my acknowledgement you were given the job and you were
so breathless oh can I tell everyone?  Like you just won the lottery and
now I want to send you an e-mail to tell you, do not contact me about this again
Leave me completely alone if you can't be nice.  
I don't like your play and I don't like you and this was all a bad experience in total.
I want to delete you, not just your mail.  I want to delete you from my mind and my experience
and all the rest of the people involved in this whole sorry affair.

Feeling persecuted, my Achilles heel breaks open
And I'm flooded with emotion
I feel as if I've been sliced open
And healing this will take more than potion

When I was a child, at the hands of my mother
She took the swipes that lead to this feeling
She was the first to persecute
To make the pain lasting
To dig deeper and deeper, jamming like a brute
As I squirmed and begged for mercy
Said I was sorry a million times for nothing

And today when it feels the same
Back comes all that pain
A wellspring
My blood drains out
And I'm in a pool of emotion
and can't get out

"I'll probably be in the bathroom before it, throwing up," says my Union representation
I'm in her office, seeking her advice
And she knows exactly what I'm going through
Except for her it was because of another him, not you
And now it's you.  Now it's both of our plight.

You sent me to her because you're "concerned"
If I don't play my cards right, from you I'll be burned
"If he doesn't know what to do,
if he feels cornered he'll get abusive and attack."
Says another ally who has my back

My union rep feels my pain
Why are we on this sick train?
Bossed by people with no people skills
Do they think they don't need to deal with human beings?

Lies about me, you think are truths.
Can I shake loose?  
Or is this just going to turn ugly

Take the higher ground, she says
Document everything says the other
One way or another
I feel the crowd closing in
Targeted, cases made against me about how I don't fit in
Willfully ignore the rules

To think I once thought we'd be friends
Well, that is at an end.
I don't know if I'll survive
Now I can barely look at you, barely say "hi"

Always at the end,
I gather around women
we help each other
we must defend
against the gathering male onslaught
people who attack without thought
Never a man in sight
The knight is a myth, it's right
The knight is the one with the weapon
And we women must gather together for protection

What horrible emotion will I feel?
Anger--I'm being accused of doing something
I'm not doing, never intended to do.
was trying to do the exact opposite of,
and have been identified as a saboteur...
inspiring students to take hard classes
my students wanted to strive but were
turned back...I had committed a crime
Jealousy, my X boss, now at last
walking with the new English department diva
a woman, as spicy as white bread
as electrifying as a jello mold and they walk
along so contentedly, old friends down a tree lined path
through the quad and the blistering sun
and I've been raged at for making a joke about meetings,
a reference to a "Annie Hall" where Hollywood types have meetings for the sake
of more meetings and there is an end note: he gives good meeting
which is the goal...a mobius strip of meetings...around and around we go
treading the meeting notes like water filled with little packing crate styrofoam
making the noise of important work, the movement of it,
but in the end, creating nothing
and...now it's over and what will life be like without this dread
I feel like I can read five books in a day, run twenty miles and
cook a three course vegan meal for five and it would be less stress than
what I've just emerged from.

How I admire you
true
can't be you, am not you
am never enough for you

went down a different road
took my consequences
no complaints
only always wishing
I could be, me, and be OK in your eyes.

"I saw what it does to people," you said
with a mixture of disdain and disgust like
you were talking about **** addicts before
and after pictures.
"I hate girlfriends," you said to me after you told me
we weren't going out on Valentines Day because your
ex set you up with someone else and you "have to" go
and who is afraid of Berkeley and all those new idee-ers
The vegan restaurants with rice milk whipped cream
The pleasant outdoor cafes with people learning, studying
the only "Ivy League" public University...
All those things there to open your mind and make you
think differently and you may begin to believe in Global Warming
and even though you don't, those thoughts may haunt you
but I know there are scientists working in labs all over the world trying
to figure out what to do about it ...
Socialism, you are afraid of that too
but what is it when Walmart hands out an application
for public healthcare to all their new hires
since they will never be able to afford their own
and Walmart can't share any money on their behalf
In the Netherlands, mink farms have been outlawed
yet you like to dissect them in your class and
carry around the poor dead skinless creature in
a clear plastic bag around the school
and many of those places prefer to pay the fees
and citations of skinning the animals alive rather than
pay to **** them before skinning
why doesn't that bother you?

I quake, can't explain
the pain
her cruel words caused me

Now will I lose my job?
Be taken down by the mob?

It sounds too silly to repeat
but my heart skipped a beat
and it's still hard, not to be afraid.

As we are assaulted
by words or deeds
or lies or misinformation

Fight back, not accepting
the undeserved damnation
of another
no matter how powerful

Fight back
as the naked girl waiting in line
to die in front of the **** gas chamber
was asked by an officer if she was a dancer

So she danced towards him
Perfect movements
Grabbed his gun
And shot him

And in that moment
Before her own quick
death which came from
another ****'s gun
she reclaimed herself

Fight back
For even if we lose
the external battle
We do not lose
the strength that lies inside

Saw it coming five miles away
"Not a good fit" as they say
Thought the place was wacky from the start
Didn't want to take the job, but that's all they got

Now I'm struggling with conflicting feelings
Should feel bad, but my mood has hit the ceiling
Free at last, is on my mind
I'm not in jail forever, can go back in time
and take that other turn down the road
I feel better now, like a firework ready to explode

The Middle East
My parent's friends had left for the year
The silence echoed through the city
I didn't hear it
No one to watch out for me
But I didn't think I needed protection

I wasn' t aware
Like a deer grazing blissfully
in the gunsite of a hunter
Then he struck
it wasn't a clean ****
everyone saw
but no one did anything
there were different rules there
men do these things
wait it out, or leave

Hide the evidence
Just leave, he said
like, walk out the door and
hop on a plane to San Jose
like catching the subway in New York

Or like putting the body in cement boots and dump it in the river
I was stunned
who was this man?
he looked like the man in the wedding pictures,
my husband

The body stayed there for a few months more
To him, evidence
rotting, stinking
being noticed
talking
living
showing off a rotted trail of abuse and scabs
trying to come to terms with its destroyed life
wrapping its mind around how twelve years
could wind up like this
"I'm sorry it had to end this way,"
the American husband said
in his new form, a crude sketch of what
he thought was Israeli
what he thought he could get away with
here

then I was gone
the evidence disappeared
He painted the apartment
like a crime scene made fresh
and blamed me that the landlords
weren't friendly to him

Hours later, with the help of an airplane
I was back in a world
where these things aren't tolerated
Women don't have to cower and
wait it out in a cosmopolitan city
where jets fly overhead so high
you can't see them
Shivering, fearful, trying to hide the trauma
pretend it was just a normal divorce
How could anyone believe what happened?

Brain is jammed
too many neurons firing off at once
mean--nothing but a psychotic, numbing buzz
So many things to do, undone
Which one first, next, last and after
Sweat trails down my back
I feel a drop down my spine
It's all coming to an end I know
Suddenly tired in the midst of all this
Then up again
What will happen?
Cat will die, gave fluids, pills, pain lotion
Fluid pouch drops from his shoulders to his chest poor thing
and he wants to go out and he can barely walk
Script is not finished
Summer comes to an end
But no!  I can finish the script.
Rally once again, so tired.  
Look up my X's old friend on Facebook?
just torchure, rolling in it
My life, need to go, get out of here

I've been here before
So many times
My brain erases the memories
Can't hold this discordant pain
It happens again
This feeling--must record this
Evidence that proves
Not forget, never forget

I am grieving
Something important to me is being lost
It is sad to me, doesn't matter what it is
The line to my family runs dead
Sympathy should exist here
but never did
An echoing space
A roar of nothingness
The sound of a large empty room
where life should be, but isn't
the  mirage of the safety net of love disappears
Like 2pac's hologram--so real but then absolutely gone
I fall into the abyss, a black hole
pulls me forever deeper into the vacume

Curl up in the corner of nothingness with the pain
Soothe the self with the self
Watch life whip by outside
where I was before this hit
Remember the concern of aquaintances
who mimicked a worried friend
because I was in their way
And like my family
they have now vanished

His hand was outstretched, nabbing a pesky windswept hamburger wrapper
near a garbage can alongside the exit to the cafeteria
Bent over, exposed, frozen, pretending the hamburger wrapper
required more effort than normal to dislodge it from the open air just above the ground
Perhaps it was a turnip or a beet, that he had to carefully, surgically remove
and it was only that he saw me coming
if I could have slowed down time, to slow motion
Seeing my boss, the principal of the school, up ended like this
for the sole purpose of not having to look me in the face, I would have
more kids would have had a chance to stare at this strange posture,
and wonder how a hamburger wrapper could have such a difficult
time being removed from the ground and I want to remember this pose
it only gets worse, and as my exit comes nearer, I feel lighter
but he still can't look me in the eye
if he felt secure in his decision, in all his decisions about me
he could, but he doesn't
So he will focus more time than needed to grasp that delicate
wrapper, which contained a stale bun and the remains of a dairy cow
spent and gone before her time on a factory farm in the central valley
and if insecurity can impose such ludicrous postures on a person
I will take this lesson, and remember always to be brave

To watch the brute force
that takes the place of reason and communication
Wars have titles, but they are the worst things on Earth
How is it that violence comes to us over and over
like an alcoholic, thinks, this one last drink
then, I will never have another
This will be the war to end all war
some really thought it

I have lived in the Holy Land
I have felt the sun of history on my face
The sands that so many have sought out have been in my path
And with all that wisdom collected
through the human ages--isn't it there
in a place of such value?

I remember, an Israeli soldier or two
killed, bodies dragged around
brutal ugly deaths celebrated by the mob
and out of the sky came a power that
destroyed the building where the murders took place

And people celebrated, as if this
would end the bloodshed
This power, this explosion would
bring peace

Thousands of bombs later, gallons of blood spilled
even some I saw with my own eyes
body meat on the street and we still
don't know that the most powerful force
we have is our brains and the ability to communicate
and come to the table to talk and fight the battle as a debate
and search for answers in our voices
and why do we give up this power over and over
and return to brutality that is just a mobius strip to more?
If we are really so brave, why can't we come to the table
two opposing forces, and wage a battle of words
to work these things out
Why is this never the priority?

Notice the bad thoughts
and watch them pass away
don't try to push
fighting them makes you
hold on tighter
only notice, gently
and let them float by like a fallen
leaf in a stream
a cloud on a windy day
an abandoned toy in a back yard pool

She says, over and over again
Get here, with me
the frustration--how can I just change my mental state
especially when I'm so upset.
All there is, is this moment.
I breathe, count the breaths
Suffocate myself a little with carbon monoxide just like in Adam 12
My hands are the paper bag
And gradually, I can do it, in the protection of her office
I build the muscles of my mind

A tornado of busyness, preparing to go away
You were a ghost today

I predicted this
Then why is it you I still miss?
Ensconced in your job, you're already gone
Wanting you, but I must move on

Hoping for a connection
Just a little wisp of affection

Warm and fuzziness is the feeling I crave
That feeling that everything is OK, with me, the world,
the sun is shining, I'm out of that dank cave
And there's one way to get it, even though I know even though I've been told
through science I know, there are really two ways

Science isn't poetic, but it explains and you can understand it
Doesn't change much of anything in how you feel as you go along
I feel like I'm living through a ****** Kesha song
and that is sad and just plain wrong

Men.  They can give me, that seratonin high
And there's nothing better, although I've looked well nigh
everywhere and run down train tracks, into seedy bars,
took those pills in plastic bags and ***** jars,
it always comes back to that one elusive feeling
that floating, I am attractive, enough and everything will be just fine
And I'd drink a case of wine
except I know it wouldn't take me there,
just make me sick, and lie around making a rat's nest of my hair

It makes me seem desperate
For the guy who is experiencing me and it
I don't even have to like him
He just has to turn a kind eye and off I go
That's how I entangled with my X I know
I didn't even like him much, but off I went
and ended up married under one of those Jewish tents

So one call and I'm high
And then an hour later it's over and I'm low
There is only one thing I know
I must take the sage advice
that I've paid a high price
for
and that is: this feeling, to myself I can give
and if I learn that I won't feel like this
I can, anyone can, renew from the inside out
I don't have to walk around in helpless doubt

But it's the hardest thing in the world
harder than the butterfly stroke
that I'd never tried to learn
I wish there were drugs in some ancient urn
and I'd walk a thousand miles on my knees
until they were bloodied
to plunge my hand in and consume that thing
or I wish at least I had some book
that could teach me how to get there, or at least how it would look
Just be here, science says, that's all it does.  It's not enough.

Away from pain
climb out of ruts
and into the moonlit night
to see the stars so clear and life so bracing
and wonderful and opportunities still there,
even if they've been shrouded in misery
for too long
you are alive and you must be strong
because dark forces have crushed so many souls before you
and you must fight in this world, for the re-birth of yourself.

I love you like my bed at the end of a tiring day
You have been
a source of joy, entertainment and comfort
I've been amazed, by your energy
your athleticism, beauty
four quick little paws
lithe, capable of impossible leaps
A purr that could catch me
at my worst moments and warm me,
sustain me
Go gently, my little friend
into that good night
I cannot bear for you to suffer

I was furious, completely screaming in the car at the "alcoholics" who dared to have a wine festival
in the park, and blocked off the swimming pool where I intended to seek endorphins, relief
from the painful thoughts that my head was swimming in, the anger, rage at my soon to be X job.  
Today was graduation day, but I was not there to smile with other teachers and administrators I hate
and I couldn't do it, luckily I don't teach seniors
Absolutely enraged at the quietly joyous celebrations around me,
the happy smiles, and blissful walks people were having heading to the festival,
I sought out a lake I had heard of where I could derive some endorphins from a that swim
My phone GPS lead me to a dead end and a dusty trail, beyond which lay a fetid green pond a glimpse of a larger lake, so I set out with my 50 pounds of swim gear, along the dusty path behind a housing development cursing and raging against the world.
And then, a beacon, a parking lot and cars backed up and I was there

I've never swum in a lake before and it was cold, and I couldn't see where I was going
I saw no fish, only green dusty water and some dead looking water plants
but the swim served it's purpose and I wandered back to shore as a water creature
walking to a strange new world
I boldly put my towel underneath the lifeguard tower and lay as the lifeguards
kicked sand onto me, and I read "All Quiet on the Western Front" on my phone
I began to feel as a soldier must feel, that my little comforts, the shade of the life guard tower, the book, my over stuffed bag as a head rest were the supreme comforts of life,
And when I bought a heaping pile of Nachos and the guards kicked sand into them,
I continued to eat and swallow sand, and save them by my head as I read.
In and out of the green depths and I noticed the people around me, mostly not white, mostly Mexican, and one girl, with long black hair who was one of those girls that make me understand
how men can fall in love with us.  She was so beautiful, so perfect, with white skin contrasting with the black of her hair and clothing and if I wasn't straight, I would have been smitten
She was with a rough crowd however, and later I saw her, standing around the back of the bathroom, looking so vulnerable, a priceless flower among tough, although stylish characters
no good will come of this

I became drunk with the sun, and on my way back, I was again imagining a speech I'd give to my oppressors, in my alter ego Southern accent.  
My feet were hideously dusty, but the way back was clear and when I arrived home,
I realized, graduation had come and gone, and I was safe and one step closer
to freedom

Little black dots on the hillside
All fuzzy and free

I come across some, and they look at me
Black eyes questioning, am I a friend or a foe?
So gentle, so simple, never very bold

I know that they will all come to a bitter end
The process has been started and I tend
to notice these things, poor animals, so used
Simply products to us, no one is enthused
about taking better care of them
Most just never think
But watching them now puts me on the brink

They've been branded, ears cut, and even crueler snips
No anesthetic, and when they're gone, they won't be missed

Others will appear in the green grass fields
A never ending supply
Why isn't animal life held dear?

Later at the store, I see them again
Neatly stacked in packages, frozen and then
I know there is no possible way
I cannot be a vegetarian today

It's the way he looks at you a vet said
He's right
Your brother gone, only you are left
cross eyed full blooded Israeli street cat
who, as soon as his eyes were unstuck from infection
gave me that look

A tiny kitten, the size of my hand
He looked into my eyes, past the retina
into what lay beyond, my soul?
Human and animal boundaries blurred
He wanted to know me

Most cats are just cats
Like your brother,
Beautiful eyes, but a cat's stare
A cat's life, intersected momentarily with a **** sapien
a ground ape

But you are different
You are interested in me
You are a cat who studies humans
Who wants to know them, bond with them

He's a great cat, they all said
at the vet
My precious one, please stay a long time

Cleanse me of this pain
Let the tears that stream down my face
wash away the sadness like a mountain stream in Spring
take away the hurt like a tide comes in and takes with it drift wood
and leaves a ****** beach
Wash through me, like a precious garment is cleaned
And leave me fresh again
Wash me off like a car wash slides away dirt
so it won't scratch the surface
refresh me like sitting in stock tank at the top of a mountain
as I pull stickers from my socks
You are necessary
help me

Loosens the screws to your psyche
as the loss, seeps out
What was once there is gone
And your personality caves in
just a little bit

Someone looking to exploit can sense this
Sees the loosened worldview
the unthinkable is happening
and what you believed you could not
withstand is putting you to the test
And you are quavering
The foundations shaking
As in an earthquake
If this could happen
What else that you believe in
can be destroyed?

The Morrocan hashish I would never
have accepted from a married
man on a deserted beach
with one Arab boy sitting on the rocks
nearby just watching the waves

And I lay next to him, the sand
between us at once so fascinating
and my dress feeling so short suddenly
and incapable of covering my body
in broad daylight
as the Arab boy
turned away from the water and stared

We make grooves in our minds, I'm told
Our thoughts, the racing ones, that we go to
are like grooves, the ones we obsess about
and when we clear our minds we make new
connections, literally
new grooves and rivers and inlets and that's why it's so hard to break
a thought pattern and my groove

is a man, always and once I've done with one I am relieved and think
I will never do that again and then the going gets tough and
I am anxious and I suddenly start thinking about a new one
and I don't know him and or I don't like him and it's better
if he has a girlfriend or wife because I can think
oh, they have the perfect life and I am cold and outcast
looking in a perfection, out in the cold and

it's existential really, to ungroove this, to make
a new pathway I need to know, to make a groove that
says, no one is perfect and always happy
it doesn't exist in this world
and you are not the abandoned child looking in at
your parents happiness forever and ever

But it's so hard...my new one I don't even know...only in pictures
a kind of celebrity, of sorts, but I don't like things he's done and he's got
a wife who is on TV and I don't like her either since she's with him and she
knows what he's done, and is doing and she still married him
and they are not always perfectly happy
they are rich, and go to gatherings of the elite
but I've been to those and I hated them, was bored stiff
Couldn't breathe

But I am anxious--
A student next year will I be nearly all the time,
and it has been a long time since anything so freeing has happened to me or
frightening, because I've been used to a kind of hopeless drudgery,
but I will emerge with a new skill and live near the beach
and near one of my favorite places on Earth.
So what is there to be afraid of, really?  Only the grooves
the grooves that take me back to suffering
only in my mind

And so am I
A death sentence I thought
hit me, didn't hear what anyone was saying really
just fluids under the skin and pills crammed into
his throat and memories of other dieing cats I have
done this for, mechanically, distantly, as if someone else is doing it
and I am only watching
and then another blood test and he's normal again and
the pills and the fluids may be reduced and
my kitty, my best beloved cat who taught me that a cat
can be a purr machine and male and a mother to kittens
and sleep on the top of my head and have been rescued on a beach in Haifa
thirteen years ago, and he can be treated and brought back to health
and take me with him, in his large grey and whiteness and yows and
how can I tell you how much I love this cat?