And I know it's what I must do
Miss you until I'm numb to the bone
Don't run to the phone
Last time I tried this, I had to go off the grid
I went to Yosemite, with no bars, I thought I'd get rid
Of any thoughts of you
So what did I do?
I drove to a pay phone
Broke a ten buying a sticker of a bear and quarters to call "home"
You thought I was calling from Arizona
What a rush to talk to you on that phone
Hating myself, feeling crazy at the same time
Like I was piling dust on a mirror and doing a line
It left me trembling and happy and hating
myself for all the trouble I was taking
It took forever, but somehow I pulled through
And today here I am missing another dude

The internet is a dangerous place
For the likes of me
Man addicts

My fingers quiver, like on a trigger of a gun
to search or not
anxiety tells me the pain will go away
if I know what you are up to
one more time
find out the latest
and then I'll be satisfied

As my grandfather would tell himself
one more drink and he would stop
and all would be well

All the yous, mind you
Because there have been many
Who I loved as much as
I like my mother
which isn't much
and explains the attraction

Mining my imagination
on a storytelling journey
I could so easily slip
as I become tired
or afraid of this task
or feel unworthy of it
one small click and
I could be gone

I don't need to know anymore about the yous
yes, plural, even though we don't have that in English
There is nothing more to know
Only to replace them with something real

Cleanse me of this pain
Let the tears that stream down my face
wash away the sadness like a mountain stream in Spring
take away the hurt like a tide comes in and takes with it drift wood
and leaves a ****** beach
Wash through me, like a precious garment is cleaned
And leave me fresh again
Wash me off like a car wash slides away dirt
so it won't scratch the surface
refresh me like sitting in stock tank at the top of a mountain
as I pull stickers from my socks
You are necessary
help me

and I woke up to hear it and see it because I love the rain
it is cleansing and renewing like a good cry and it changes
the landscape and makes it quiet as nature asserts herself over us
and we need more rain.  we need more tears to wash away the sadness and
stress the envelops the world and my cats are here with me, warm and dry
and afraid of the thunder and little Julietta wants to go out but there is too much
water and I with my sorrows am soothed by the sound of water washing over
my world, sliding off my shelter and running down a little stream.

I can rub off a zit on my cat's chin
it's not even gross, just little black dots
and I get so crazy over men
why can't I just rub this off
of my head or take a pill
or drink a lot of water or
swim in the cold Atlantic
and emerge cured, normal and sane

I miss our conversations
the attention
you who made me tremble
I miss the rushing heart beat
My compulsion
makes no sense
I want you

I cling to the rejection, like my next breath may depend on it
All the little details.  Conspiracy theories. Sudden realizations.
Oh yes, that's it, that's why, then nothing, it's all clouded over again
and yet I am certain, like tripping over a log in a fog, that there is hope

It lies there, like that drift wood log, the ones I know lie out on the dunes of Monterey
and whiten in the sun, and are carved by the waves
It awaits me and is now as solid, as those pieces of dead tree, whose skeletons are so appealing
as they float, or lie still, partially covered in sand, home to an insect or crab,
and then wandering again, a perch for a bird, or for me
and on to their next stop

They will always be there, so long as there are trees and the Monterey Bay,
and it all beckons me.
As I sit in a muck, stuck somehow, if I move, I'm certain to lose a shoe
and yet, move I must, even if I will look silly slipping and sliding around
to that sandy shore, as the other muck dwellers watch me
some ridiculing. Some curious.  Some sit on nice pieces of mud, elevated from the stench
Others, sunk to their knees.  I must leave.  However awkwardly, to hope.

Fear and anxiety
A prickly pain in my skin
As it bursts to the surface
So intense and miserable
A yearning for you
Imagine your happy home
Everything in place
Wife, children, house
Me, alone
Can't earn your attention
Can't wait to see you again
I'm told
this is pathology
Why does it feel so real?

Mother and Father
a perfect unit
until I invaded, destroyed it
They stick together
talk about me in the third person
shut me out
always on the outside
Please include me in your family
No, you don't belong
Stay in your cold, lonely room
You are an invader here
Be happy to be tolerated for a time
This was reality

And that's why, in times of stress, they appear in my life
I'm never picky around this time, whoever smiles first is fine
And as I struggle with my fate, I notice that his calls are late
or maybe they don't come at all
or maybe they are laced with hostility
and then I cultivate a humble humility
for to keep this male in my life, all depends on it, like to cut an apple
you need a knife
no matter what they do, I can't let go
Other women, then we're "just friends" and so,
I wait and hope and try to please
as he give another one a squeeze
And that hurts, but I wasn't patient in my choice
I never gave myself a voice.  
The storm hit, and I just grabbed what was near
and now I cling tight, stuck with it, my fear
of letting go is too strong, even when I know this is wrong
I read in my little black book, from a few years back,
some wisdom I used to know,
and it said, men equal security, so in times of stress,
you'll find one and cling, never rest
And there's been about six since I wrote that
And the latest one, I'd like to throw back
into the river, to swim on and spawn
it's not like he did anything wrong
he never asked to be my security
Why can't I find that in me?

A restaurant is honest about what they have, more or less
Do you have real brewed Ice Tea?  
May I have that table by the sea?
I've never settled into a restaurant, read the menu and run out
Dating is like being blind, maybe like that dark room at the Oakland "Exploratorium"
that I was always too scared to go in as a child
You hear what he has, and you have only your feelings to guide you
Alas, most are not good: man boy, been there, done that:
Exploded spine, dislocated ankle, internal injuries, crashed car or two or three
A feeling inside: no, I don't like this, but the conversation is only just beginning
and another voice says: poor thing, you must stay and help
And besides, it's rude to run out of a restaurant
This ain't no restaurant: psychology has told me
"This is all about your mother"
Poor thing, I had to stay and help, or she would become wickedly
brutally angry, a white rage to burn me to ashes, and I am blind
feeling my way through feelings that have been messed with, lassoed to the ground
hog tied, and somehow set themselves free, then learned to tie themselves down just to please
It's dark in here.  No one can see if I run away.
I look around, see only blackness and no one can see me, not even she
I untie the ropes and walk away.

Is what I want
I can feel it now a little, had it once
just kind of side by side for awhile
just check each other out, not keep a file
let things unfold in a relaxed normal way
I want you as my friend
first of all
that's the only ways it's ever worked for me
I guess it's not the most gushy and romantic
or the most tantric or spiritual or connected and then rejected
Just a natural kind of thing, that comes easily
to my being

Finally earned my Santa Cruz creds
after decades
My first wetsuit
O'Niel in pretty purple and pink
across my ******* and I look like I'm
wearing rubber muscles like actors playing
action heroes but I feel like I am water proof
at last, have come of age finally
A member of the tribe of cold water human fish
as I swim on in the slanted winter light

Your eyes should be on the bottom of the pool
Not a very interesting place
A blue line of tiles interrupted by black ones that cross and then make a T
The sign the you better take a last breath and flip over or your cranium will make serious contact with cement
It is a kind of meditation, watching those little blue tiles glide by
as you flail around doing your swimmer's best on the surface
Like counting breaths, who could be anxious here?
At one point, my imagination flies away with me and I am
arguing in that dreaded meeting and cruel words are being spoken
and there is no stillness, so I grab for the gutter on one end, close my eyes and wait for it to stop
I hope the lifeguard doesn't think I need to be taken out of the water.
It's only panic.  
Then I return, really focusing again on climbing up that blue line

It was only a moment a few days ago
like I want a dog on Sundays
at a dog beach
that I thought
Wouldn't it be so nice to go home
to a warm man in my bed?

How cold I've become,
in this life alone
that this thing I used to think was a necessity
I can totally live without
and there's hardly a time where
I feel even the slightest desire
to open my heart to another

My treasured drink, a bubbly pink
As I wear my most beautifying dress
that clings to my curves
Let the glass tip horizontally
As my perfect smokey eyes
watch the drink be taken
by the force of gravity
and splash on someone's
white **** carpet next to where my
stilettos stab into their floor
and feel a tiny splash of liquid on my
naked summer skin
and watch the pink stain expand and lighten
and be absorbed by some other entity
You are the drink
I must leave your mark
in the carpet
and walk away

And afterwards "we" will probably camp
and so there is no movie after all
and when I asked him to go out he said he had a lot of things
to do so I imagined a big pile of papers or something like I have
but really, he's climbing rocks with "we"
and there was no call and only an e-mail when I asked him to
call but he didn't because it was only to tell me that
he was blowing me off to go climb rocks when
I wanted to go see a movie but "we" will climb rocks and he will be
back when it is too late to see a movie so I've been passed over for rocks
and time with "we" who I don't know who it is, but he e-mailed
me this because he didn't want to call me because he knew I'd be dissapointed
and the truth is, I am, and I hope he falls off a rock and gets bruised at least
or even a broken bone wouldn't bother me at this point
and I hope it really hurts and he has a sunburn on top of it
and gets food poisoning from the food
and I think I should leave off of this because it just isn't working

The farm houses on the cliff's edge
are remodeled into grand and glorious mansions
with bay views and high prices
And the rivulets of water run down the cliff
taking with them tiny pieces of land each winter
And some day the cliff will wash away

I met you, and you meant nothing to me
But somehow I began to care
You became a beautiful painting of love
teasing, tantalizing
But now you are gone
Time passes, second by second, breath to breath
Each piece of time I don't see my painting, the image fades a little
And someday soon it will fade away

In the same day and it is just like I realize
this is really
totally
stone cold
insensitive
to be rooted out like a pathogen
when in reality the entire place is sick
and I'm only an observer

You won, I lost and then again I lost
and it's not so bad, really.
Isn't that funny?  
Because in the end being in a place
where you are just a loser losing over and over
despite all your efforts to please
in the end this is a nasty situation
and I must be happy that it's over and I don't have to
keep trying to please so hard, be respected, be valued
in a place where my values aren't valued and never will be
unless the whole
plan
changes...which will be a long time from now.

abandonment, wired for
panic
how can I explain if but
if you ever wonder why women chase men they don't like
or keep them around when they are hurting them
I explain that
it's the panic of abandonment because to feel nothing
nothing, is worse than pain
any pain of the relationship
because abandonment is more life threatening
to a child,
who is not a child but now an adult with a child inside
and the child panics and the woman
chases the man who hurts her
like an addict chases down a drug

We sat outside the office and I knew this wasn't good and there was a solemn atmosphere around there,  all over, like everyone is looking at a dead woman walking but I'm only fired
and I know this is going to happen when his face appears, anxious, can't look at me but finally making eye contact with me, voluntarily, since the play.  The good play, and then the taking away from me of the whole job and now it's time to take it all away.
And the secretary is preparing a big notepad where she will pretend to write big notes but they mostly she is really there to absorb it all with those big eyes and then walk around the halls and tell everyone she knows because in the restaurant when we walked in, her assistant, yes she has one, gave me that look, of knowing, understanding pain and everyone knows now, and they were all quiet as we walked in, two live people and one dead one
and the only thing is I don't feel dead, actually more alive, but a little scared because it's not clear what comes next although I know what I want

and he glanced and told us to wait and closed the door and called my real boss, who actually knows me, like he wasn't sure if I'd actually showed up and I knew in that one look he gave that this was THE END
So then he went and opened the door and said we'd wait for my boss because it was time to chop off my head and say it's not a good fit and that is what is printed on every single piece of paper that goes out to people like me these days, people who are so disposable
and yet he says "not a good fit" like it really means something and is just the right words for he moment.  really.  '
then he tries to change the tone to one of being upbeat and telling me the wonders of resigning and how great it will make my life and I'm just sitting there thinking
this is the most ridiculous pretentious scene, and I look over at the secretary who is staring at me, looking for tears and drama so it will make a better story "and then she--and she--" and it was just like "oh my God I can't believe she  and he" but I just stare back at her and there are no tears.   And instinct tells me what this is about, although I don't know, but instinct tells me that I am a threat to she who took my job and it is just so much easier to send me on my way

and my boss who will do whatever his boss wants starts to tell me that I have a lot of good things about me and--
he is cut off by a glare from his boss
so he crosses his legs a little tighter and his arms tighter and shuts up

and I admit I think this is the right thing because I am miserable and this is not what you are supposed to say.  
but it is the truth
I am in a sick, unhappy situation and this is finally a way out
and the three men sitting around me look like they don't know what to say or do
and they are vaguely insulted
and there are many more like me but they don't get this option so freely so they
stay and spend hours a day commiserating
and I am free
at last

He's not a wolf, but only a mouse now
the man who yelled at me for crying when
I knew he was nailing my coffin with bad evaluations
and planting the seeds of God knows what and what are
they thinking and what are they going to do next to me and nothing makes sense
but he hurries by like his tail is on fire and he doesn't look so scary anymore
but just kind of strange and I wanted him to like and respect me
and give me this kind of good feeling about myself
but now he's just wearing a black nylon jacket and
looking nervous and small and furtive
and I wonder why he ever made me so frightened

Hurry fingers across the keyboard
deadline, deadline approaching fast
soon an observation
endless lamentation on my mind
why to live like this?
from illness to work and back again
perceptions amiss from pure nervousness
I am squeezed and hurried
worried, ever worried

My cat purrs
Licks salt tears from my eyes
Sandpaper tongue
Soothes

Is what I feel like today
that in America is supposed to be
a heart's fantasy

I just couldn't reisist
a little flirt, chance at a kiss
and then on that big V-day
come what may
he's out with someone else
and I'm splattered all across the room
i don't know when
I'll ever be
ready
to face love's chance again
but this is not when

I'm not playing the dating game
just trying to escape
just trying to be
just trying to feel me
ok and not retched
not spending my lunch break
over my desk,  tears on the laptop
God, this is over the top

And this is what I thought
if it's easy, I can not
avoid it
but if it's this same old stuff
All the dating, rolling in the rough

I can't handle it
I'm still just a stiff
when it comes to taking a chance
on a little romance

That ends with the object of my desire
the one I'd admire
on a date set up by his ex

and this is just a step
and not his fault or nothing
because we're just atoms
crossing nothing and ramming into each other

and now I am completely lame
and down for the day
finished all the ***** in the house
feeling like a louse

And I'm not having fun
So it's time to stop, the game is done

So much to be done
eyes hurt, feet hurt
cat hisses at nothing, only frustration
cramming work into minutes making time seem like it's squished
together and blending into itself, one minute overlapping the next
try to keep a clear mind from work to grocery store
to home, to clean to eat to, to,
my verbs, of what must be done, are rising over the top
of what is possible.

A small two months without your presence
I will miss you,  I am an empty vessel
A garden watering can on a hot day
Metal burning--too hot to touch, dryness and dust

I am not a senseless bucket
waiting to be healed
by love and compassion
like a child unable to understand
the absence of mother's love
sitting in the void of a soundless and empty house
If that silence has a name, it is terror

Outside, a sun drenched day cooled by the ocean's breath
Inside the cave of the house, a profound stillness and foreboding
an emotional vacum without the oxygen of concern
dry, forgotten grass blows softly across the yard
Inside, fear and yearning, like the cold concrete hallway
outside the cell on death row
dead child walking

Away from pain
climb out of ruts
and into the moonlit night
to see the stars so clear and life so bracing
and wonderful and opportunities still there,
even if they've been shrouded in misery
for too long
you are alive and you must be strong
because dark forces have crushed so many souls before you
and you must fight in this world, for the re-birth of yourself.

Are blue and pierce through me, or maybe they are emeralds
and they glow and enchant me, and I look across the table at him
and wait, for him to feel the touch of my look,
to see his eyes turn up to mine, just brown,
and I feel the sting of desire and admire
all the beauty of his masculinity to eternity
it takes me
what is a man
who makes me feel
this good

Like a surge
finger in a light socket
the current dazzles through me again
I pull away breathless and in pain: I miss you

Last week, you were a distant mountain
barely visible through fog and haze
Mixed in with the others, a part of the landscape,
there but blending in, your uniqueness forgotten
Today you are the centerpiece of the landscape

I forgot how hard this is
I know there's no turning back
The trail that lies ahead is
insurmountable, steep and slippery

My thirst for you dries
and I am a hollow shell
Nothing inside but the air that dessicates

You don't think of me anymore
You are consumed by someone else
I can't stand to watch this
I am not longer special
Must move my attention away, shove it aside
as it is not willing

One foot, then another up the steep
winding hill home
Dust billowing up from the path
Coating my body, making me forget
creating a grand, filthy, distraction

I was quite content
Amid the struggles around me
the car that nearly ran over me
people so busy to make something
out of nothing
cosmopolitan, am I
you must know, can't be shy
In another land, a non Christian one
Christmas doesn't happen, or Thanksgiving
I lived like that for years ignoring it
forgetting them or looking at them from a distance
like an odd right performed by some other people
who dance around a tree
have made it into an industry
that powers an economy
I forgot our holidays, and now I'm back they come along
I remember that sense of duty and obligation
I had before I lived in other worlds, to make them happen
and do what must be done
and now, I don't care and today I spent doing as I pleased
and I was perfectly happy and the"beginning of the year"
will now come and I know it is only St. Sylvester's day
there are so many options about what to do
and one of them is nothing
You may feel sorry for me, that I am so jaded
and I think I should feel wrong for what I do or don't do
but actually, I am happier now, and more free

Like a surge
finger in a light socket
the current dazzles through me again
I pull away breathless and in pain: I miss you

Last week, you were a distant mountain
barely visible through fog and haze
Mixed in with the others, a part of the landscape,
there but blending in, your uniqueness forgotten
Today you are the centerpiece of it all

I forgot how hard this is
I know there's no turning back
The trail that lies ahead is
insurmountable, steep and slippery

My thirst for you dries
and I am a hollow shell
Nothing inside but the air that dessicates

You don't think of me anymore
You are consumed by someone else
I can't stand to watch this
I am not longer special
Must move my attention away, shove it aside
as it is not willing

One foot, then another up the steep
winding hill home
Dust billowing up from the path
Coating my body, making me forget
creating a grand, filthy, distraction

I don't want that part
So don't even start
I have to walk away
every dog has its day
and I've had mine
sure it's been some time
but reality can't be denied
and from your actions I can't hide
So I am retiring from this drama
it's bring me too much trauma
so good luck with the new one
and I'll just be gone

Psychology tells us, that most desperate bond
that one you can see with a child and a parent
is the key to everything in love you see, it's so easy,
If everything there was dandy, and we were warm and fuzzy--
the scientific definition for having a good childhood
We shan't have troubles
But...and it starts in infancy...things weren't so warm and fuzzy
and we were anxious and afraid, without words or memories made
A child can't think a parent is bad
She may run from the cave and become lunch for a passer by
So she puts on those rose colored glasses, and then its not them, it's me
She blames it all on herself, that's science, you see
So as an adult, that little infantile feeling is the model for love
Really, I look at couples and love and I think, that's how we used to feel
about our mommies and daddies, sans ***, of course
I still wear my rose colored glasses when the going gets tough
and I see a guy and he's not my type or not even attractive
and I'm like, wow, he's fantastic,
and off I go, and he hurts me you know, and he says things I don't
like, cuz he's really not my type or he does something that hurts me
and it's like I dropped through the bottom of the Universe
Free falling, out of the cave, totally crazed
When in reality, I feel nothing, for this dude
My only thought is, I am with men, truly crazy
and I have to leave those glasses at home
or throw them in the dump
never to be found again
because only then, will I stop being a loon

I am no longer capable of saving you
As I did
A small black kitten
covered in the tar of the Mediterranean
In the sands of Haifa, Israel
A cast off jewel, crying out for help
A small bag of fur and bones

You are leaving me now
Pondering the inner landscape of your pain
I can only help ease your transition
I can only assist, try to keep the worst of it
from your experience

Helpless for the first time
I watch you fade away
from the inside out
Bright eyes, smooth black fur
and cancer

His name is Little Guy
And last Friday his brother died
He's lived with me for eleven years
And when I cry he licks off my tears

He has small crossed eyes and a ****** back
At twenty one pounds, he's too big to put in a pack
He's grey and white and wears it well
As for catnip, he loves the smell

He's raised kittens like a mother
carrying them around and keeping them together
Not bad for the tiny runt of the litter

And now we are closer than ever
With his brother gone, it's only clever
To get closer to this special one
And my heart? That, he has already won.

I'd been hiking for four hours
I was *****, sweaty in need of a shower
But I was relaxed, having a good time
Finally some peace, for less than a dime

I saw him coming up the hill
Walking his bike, his son struggling still
"Lets just walk our bikes" I heard him say
And obediently his son did obey

As we passed he gave me that look
Right with his son, I thought I must have mistook
But that's what its was, it's plain to see
Now my imagination runs wild, mercy me

What if we had been alone?
What if I was frisky to the bone?
Would I have beckoned him to the brush?
Just taken him by the hand and said "hush"

And then we'd pull off our sweaty clothes
And reveal to each other what only God knows
That survival instinct, between male and female
Would pull us together, no time to wait

It was him, inviting me, to be again in his cadre of contacts
Excitement rippled through me, wanting to know all his aspects

I imagined us smoothing everything over
All forgotten, starting anew,
We would meet for coffee, that would do
And since that went well, we'd make other plans
Soon we'd travel together all over the land
And romance and perfection would be in the air
He'd love everything about me, kiss me with his hands in my hair
A happy wedding would follow, just as I like
Finally, everything would be all right

I got updates about his new connections, saw his face
No messages, just that old picture, served up in my e-mail like on a plate
Then my fear started to grow
What if he's up to something, how would I know?
"You know he's just a Facebook **"
Said a friend, who could ask for more?
That means he has way too many "friends"
And two years ago I had to let go, let it end
So now he's doing the same on a different site
So I went in, and I deleted him, which took all my might
And I see that when it comes to men, I'm ******
Need more work on this, just stay steady, let it go

Covered in a coat of silver and black
Trills at me now that I'm back
I run a brush through his thick, glorious coat
So glad I saved him, of this I take note

The afternoon sun is deflected
by the shades on my open windows
and the fan
and my cats become longer and thinner
like small mats smoothed over the floor

Your ringless finger misled me,
but I can't blame you.
Months ago, wondering, flirtations,
gaps of time, trying to forget,
going back to take the drink of you.
Truth should have pushed me off this horse.

What does love feel like?
Inside, the child is still alone,
waiting for her mother.
Watching for a sign of her,
Bereft as wind howls through her empty heart.
What does love taste like?
If I knew, I wouldn't lie like this,
Watching and waiting like a hungry cat hunting for your glance,
Like an ignored dog, wagging it's tail at the slightest sign of attention.

Because I see things and find things and sometimes they remind me
of sad things that lead to thoughts of other sad things and today I found
dusty dried roses from the first play I did last year at the school
and the girl who gave them to me is very sweet and talented
and now she looks away from me, and talks to me in a guarded way
Because she's just a kid and I'm not her drama teacher anymore
I must get over this, so I threw them all away and then I thought
about my engagement ring and how a therapist told me to have the diamond
reset, to preserve the fact that I was loved and I thought, I must get over
this and mostly I thought about how I needed he money so I sold it
for half of what my X claimed it was worth and I regret that.
I found the leashes for my beautiful black cat who died,
I would take him for walks when he was healthy and he had two different styles: flashy silver
and leopard.  And he looked good in both and what I wouldn't give to
have him back with me, all healthy and shiny and purring with his great roar of a purr that people could hear over the telephone with him sitting in my lap.
Things we have are given, and are taken away.
Even life itself, our own and those we love.
And I went back to the garbage, and underneath
coffee grinds and wet paper towels I retrieved a dry red rose
Because I was appreciated once, and I saved it.

It really is in my control
It must take patience to be a shrink
She's told me this more than a few times I think

But I never got it, never could see
that it really is all up to me
I thought it always depended on someone else
they could love me, or put me on a shelf

"You felt good about yourself, that's what is is"
Could it be so simple? Yes it is
"You can do this on your own, you don't need him"
At this next line, my thinking got dim

All my life, you see
I knew I could only depend on me
to survive, at the least
but my emotions? Out of my control, so say the least

"I can't do that," I protest to her
"Yes you can," she doesn't concur
I'm thinking it's like when a teacher challenges you
to things you don't think you can do

You are floored and protest and squirm
But she just eyes you and turns
back to the task at hand
OK, let's go, face up you will land

For the past few days I've tried
To create the glow in my life
I've had a little success
I'm used to being put to the test

So this challenge, I will take
In my life, what a difference it would make
To finally be emotionally independent
That is the dream, and it is splendid

"Berkeley is anti-business" because
the regulations about water pollution and
there is irony there because there is nothing clean
or natural about Berkeley, that irony I can see but imagine
how much worse it would be...
You surf in the ocean and would you like
to also be surfing with more chemicals
and other nasty by products of human beings?
Really, really, I don't get you...

Kitties running around in here
with their tails up, without a care
a morning celebration
of life, of creation

You see me, but won't look at me
Hurry past, important things to do
Return, spend a long time
doing nothing but being very busy about it
beating a circle around me
with your feet

I see the pain
Brow furrowed
Adrenalized jerky motions
of a man over-burdened, behind schedule
carrying a heavy load
making a point to ignore me
Let me help you
You are angry, upset
I will listen
I can heal you

Mother
You are so angry
I am young and need you
I know you've been so hurt
I will help you
Please look at me
Don't leave
Don't walk out the door and drive away
many busy activities, eyes to the road
A list of accomplishments
No time for me
At home, still upset, hurts
from long ago haunt you
Eyes look in my direction
but only see a reflection
of your inner world
Let me heal you
So you can love me

It was a front cover picture of Oliver Stone on some New York magazine
New York has a different magazine for every hour of the day
He was standing there, legs apart, looking a bit heavy,
In front of a cement wall or something dreary (who has time for aesthetics when art is being made)
And he looked off to one side at something much more important than the camera
He wore a black wool New York coat
I thought, if I could be like that, I would be in Nirvana
He was so important, he didn't have to look at the camera and charm
all he had to do was say his great words and the room would fall silent listening to
his wisdom
The power of being so powerful
I was twenty three and at that age, a lot of superficial things can be taken for real
I put on my recently purchased black wool coat and looked off to one side, my eyes
averted back to my bathroom mirror.  
If it were today, I would 've taken a picture of myself with a cell phone

He loved it and it had become a part of the family, nestled among pictures of his family
moved away from the other chachkas, elevated
How you have turned 180 on me.
And there is no doubt now, that I hate you
The lies, to the bitter end, as you gave my job away
to someone else you suggested I give a pile of my hard work
to that person
I saw that little gift, the fetish of a wolf and I couldn't stand it being displayed like that,
behind your little bald head, your cold little body wearing a coat on a sunny day
How you slammed me this year for nothing
Tried to smash me into silence with words
Denied how rules were broken against me
even as it is as clear as day they were
And there was a symbol that someone liked you enough
to give you exactly what you asked for
Isn't that wonderful, to be so well thought of
that a follower would give you your heart's desire
the perfect little gift
So I lied.  
I said I wanted to borrow it and it's so easy to lie, I see.
Kind of intoxicating to lie in order to get someone to do what you want when you have no
intention of doing what you are promising to do.
You became so obedient, proudly handing it to me to "borrow"
But by the afternoon it hadn't returned and I think you were starting to realize
looking at me like a little boy, whose mother has destroyed his favorite toys
as it dawned on you, as it has, so many times before for me, that you had been done *****
If in that small way, you know what it feels like to be tricked, misled
If at that moment, you felt, it hurts
I am happy for it

Brain is jammed
too many neurons firing off at once
mean--nothing but a psychotic, numbing buzz
So many things to do, undone
Which one first, next, last and after
Sweat trails down my back
I feel a drop down my spine
It's all coming to an end I know
Suddenly tired in the midst of all this
Then up again
What will happen?
Cat will die, gave fluids, pills, pain lotion
Fluid pouch drops from his shoulders to his chest poor thing
and he wants to go out and he can barely walk
Script is not finished
Summer comes to an end
But no!  I can finish the script.
Rally once again, so tired.  
Look up my X's old friend on Facebook?
just torchure, rolling in it
My life, need to go, get out of here

Missing you, my day begins
like black coffee
bitter and acidic
without the soothing cream of your presence

But I will forget you
as the footsteps I create
on the beach sands are washed away
by the rising tide, forever cleansing what was

I will forget you
I will learn to enjoy the numbness of solitude
At first it is bracing
as the arctic current
washing over my hot feet
on a cloudless summer day

I will forget you
and learn to crave the solitude
as I begin to seek the coolness and clarity
of the freezing water of my aloneness
being mesmerized by gold glittering sands as they wash back to the bay