What kills comes
Not
from the outside
but
From within

So why do I follow
check my phone a thousand times a day
and wallow
in the pain of rejection
that's really for my own protection
don't like him much
we haven't even touched
If I pursue
it's what I do
Habit and addiction
Looking for that love connection
for that hurt little girl
who wanted to hurl
herself into the sea
because her mother abandoned me

Have you seen _?
She asks early in the morning when I'm tired and upset
have music blasting through my ear drums so I can stand to exist in this place
On our break, she re-appears, to deliver a package, some materials to help you
I am with you, still, we are work aquaintances, and I see you already have a lover here
A former baseball mom who has remodeled herself, at her new job
pretending husband and children don't exist as she seeks you out, hair done perfectly
dressed to accencuate the ******* and behind, sits so close, has promoted you in her department
to the position of soul mate

And when I flirted a little with you about going together to a fundraiser
you resisted, and now I know why, because you already have a date
and now I know why she tried to be assigned to our work group
when she is really in another because you are there, and you are her light
and my former married flame saw this,
and after the meeting, he ran, as if stung by a bee
to his new work flame, by her side
not alone, and I've finally forsaken him
and he may fire me, or not, but the ring on his finger still isn't there
for her to see, and she needs him, for her own career rehabilitation

Just watch, I am told.  Just watch since you are really not my type and
that is what discerning women do, who don't get swept off their feet by
posssessive and abusive men...and I won't go there again even though
I was defenseless then...given my background and insecurities
but stronger now and men near us nibble juicy meat off ribs
and talk about them, as we sit together, ****** tension still a bit there
even though it's fairly casual "It's so tender and moist, so soft, tender, but a good chew"
and I can't help but smile thinking that these heterosexual men are describing what
they most love, and at then end there is only a hard bone left
which should be of interest to me, except that is not enough since
there is little feeling in me to receive its pleasures, and that is just a compromise of nature

And I tell you I adore you, which is a complete tongue in cheek exxageration
but to get through your thick skin it is a plea for you to stop teasing and judging me
and let us just be friends who are nice to each other
and wander away

I can't pretend I don't see
that you're with her...married no less
arching her back, crossing her legs with her foot in a high heeled shoe and sitting so close to you
why is she there every day for those important discussions to be made
and you act like you don't even know me, around them
You invite me on ski trips, day trips and when you see me
around her, I am nothing
nothing to you and I can't do that
it hurts too bad, so it's over before it even started
I see that warning sign.  I'm not blind
Try to talk myself out of it...
Life so stressed, now I'm more of a mess
because of you, never prepared for this
only if it was easy, and not hurting and burning
because I'm already on a knife's edge
so you're number is gone from my phone
my drug, I've thrown away the last bottle
if you want to talk to me, then see, me
there, in front of her, and let her see what you said to me
I'm not a hidden woman, letting you play
Let the cards fall as they may, but hurting this bad, please
let this be the last time
over you.

Nothing new here to this community
we are one in our creative unity
You know when you get that creative spark
Like as asteroid in the dark
And its so exciting
You can't wait to start writing
But before your fingers touch the keys
you find yourself ill at ease
Take solace, my friends, you must just push through
You'll find your path and it will be new
That wall of water may be there
But it won't be so bad if you don't care
if that great idea is really so good
because another will come, it's just the way in this 'hood.

Is what I want
I can feel it now a little, had it once
just kind of side by side for awhile
just check each other out, not keep a file
let things unfold in a relaxed normal way
I want you as my friend
first of all
that's the only ways it's ever worked for me
I guess it's not the most gushy and romantic
or the most tantric or spiritual or connected and then rejected
Just a natural kind of thing, that comes easily
to my being

I quake, can't explain
the pain
her cruel words caused me

Now will I lose my job?
Be taken down by the mob?

It sounds too silly to repeat
but my heart skipped a beat
and it's still hard, not to be afraid.

How I admire you
true
can't be you, am not you
am never enough for you

went down a different road
took my consequences
no complaints
only always wishing
I could be, me, and be OK in your eyes.

Trying to get back in the swing
my ears ring
Must do this work to prepare
pain in the air
my throat, my ears
harder to fight the fears
will I ever be myself again?
free to create my minutes
my story
to see it to the end?

A paper on my door saying I hadn't payed my rent and was to be evicted, thrown out
in three days
This morning as I was measuring laundry detergent into a washer at 6:30 AM a lady
stopped and asked if I knew where a certain address was written on a lease on a clip board
and I didn't know, but thought that must be repo-lady, or collection-lady or eviction-lady

Two lovely Chinese older ladies in the office.  Under new management.  Every year it's
"under new management" and why was I so angry?  It was frightful
Another eviction notice posted on my door after they found I actually DID pay my rent
Oh, look, here it is, you don't have to look in your computer
They said, confiding, about the sins of the OTHER
A lot of people don't pay their rent after the Holidays
Moneys gone, they just "forget."

And I thought of all the people on spending sprees I saw during the Holidays with a gleam in their eye sort of like people get in Casinos carrying out huge boxes of things and stuff
and it's all so happy and festive and I wondered where do people get all that money?

Haifa, Israel, a Saturday before the Second Gulf War
The Iraq War, the Shock and Awe War, the war with embedded journalists traveling in
tanks across dusty deserts the smart way with no bulky supply lines following them
And they arrived and it quickly became apparent the supply line was a good invention

The beach is filled with people, enjoying their last few days of peace
People color the beach a kind of brown, moving brown, like ants wandering around a hill the entire beach is their hill right now in that moment a respite of the stress to come
Funny how War could be on some kind of timeline, with everyone waiting for it
like a Super Bowl game, or the second coming or a tornado or flood or nuclear bomb
Breathe this fresh air now, for tomorrow will find you smothered in a bomb shelter
crammed into small spaces with strangers even, or people you don't like, and screaming children

Your plane was due to leave for Florida the next day, but there was no seat for me.
At first that bothered you, that we had no money for me to go anywhere, only you
but now you took any chance you got to leave this place that was our new home
"We're making cookies," a couple said who we ran into down there.  
If there's an air raid, you can stay with us they said to me.  
And I imagined the pleasant aroma of butter
and sweet and nuts filling a windowless room with a Hebrew TV station crackling quickly in a language I still couldn't keep up with while we munched until we were like full balloons
in a land with the bus driver turning up the news updates on the radio every hour really loud so everyone could hear them, day in and day out, because this was part of life here. And most of what I could follow after so many hours of study was that most words at the end of a sentence on the news ended with -eeem.  Usually in threes, -eem, -eeem, -eem, which is maculine plural and sometimes there was MemShalah, which is Prime Minister.

It was your most noble hour, coming shortly after you rampaging up and down the hallways
of our cement apartment building, just a box but a nice one with a view of Haifa Bay saying Saddam does too have a bomb, and you just wait when the scuds start falling. You just wait.
But you weren't waiting.  You were going home.
And no I didn't believe Saddam had a bomb although I've never met anyone who agreed with me since then and that is getting to be a long time ago.  
Even though there were Freedom Fries now and a ban on French wine and I don't particularly like the French in many ways, still I believed them and Mahomood El Baradei
because he was a very smart man except American don't believe there can be smart, effective individuals and people working very hard in places filled with dust and ignorance and lacking
so many comforts and conveniences
And how could you check a whole country anyway?  
With connections, by being an insider and by being very clever and that's what I thought sitting in the living room watching CNN International being piped for free into our living room.
And you were terrified and you left in a sweat and a day or so later the War began

and I watched the War on CNN International in our living room after you were gone, and it was just mass destruction from great heights like someone's ridiculous plan of Urban Renewal from way too high up and I felt sorry for all the
people who would soon be called "collateral damage" and I felt ill at our Generals bragging about this mayhem, this obscene, idiotic pounding of a city without intelligence or sensitivity or perceptions and I felt no shock and awe, but only horror and sadness
and I, by myself, an American living in Israel, who now had dual citizenship of course,
you see, but Americans are never dual, we always leave.  We are only American.

I saw my country as something angry, and violent and dumb and ugly
And you waited in Florida for the WMD, and I watched the story unfold
and there were still no WMD by the time you got back and the Patriot missiles were lowered from their mountain top heights.  And there were still no WMD when paper plans for a bomb were unearthed underneath rose bushes in a scientist's back yard and I felt sorry for the rose bushes
and hoped they were re-planted.
And like my country, you slipped down a notch in my eyes,
Running away from nothing telling me there was danger and leaving me
when it was only you who believed I might die.  Only You.

You have high blood pressure
She says it was easier without you
And she works with you
And you are called into the office to be fired
When you volunteer for work no one
Wants and are ignored
Be comfortable
In the skin that defines your outline
Be present as she says she thinks you are no good
Be here and reach for the pain
And explore it .  To touch it
And just be

And it will be ok.

because it's been quite a day
and then I hope my memories will just slide away
no one likes insults
no one likes low blows
it's like bandages in your nose
so gross
so just leave them there is a pile
in the wreckage I call work
one road was wrong
but I was a coward and so I stayed on
afraid to incur someone's wrath
I took myself to task
Until another order
from a higher plane
made me have to change
and i had to drive through that blast all the same
but offending high, or offending low
I guess it's low or it's no go
and then I went threw those flames
and how she cursed my name
and how I fear what she'll do
i wish I could work with someone new
but I have to let it go
i've done my best and so
I have to leave it there
like a sleeping cat on my favorite chair
there won't be twenty vodkas,
they'd offset my chakras
naw, i can't do that
i can just. let it go. leave it at that.

He wore a onesie with hearts a floating on pajama day
Hearts all over his **** and hearts all up and down the length
of his lean body and in the inseams of the onesie
and right near his package and the girls
were taking pictures with him, these under age girls who could
now see the entire length of his entire lean body and see it is just a stick
with another potential stick pointing out in the middle
and no one said anything, none of the bosses and his friend
had on pajama bottoms too small with hearts right there and
a big looped piece of fabric to hold it on his trim twenty something body
and the old guys, the bosses said nothing as they admired
the length of the hard bodies
and the girls look and I wonder if one day one will reach out and touch.
and i don't remember it being like that in my high school

And in the morning it was one
California clothes just don't cut it
in that shiny frigid Logan sun
and yet daily life goes on in Utah
and maybe that should make me stop and think
I take too good for granted,
I complain: too much work, sore throat, and a dish filled sink
But here, it's 65.
I should take notice of things like this
like this little perk of a California life.
And remember there was a time, about nine years ago
When I yearned to be here, was trapped on the other side of the world, and I just couldn't go

There is this energy to it
all the dramas and he did that and so i did and said
and so did she and then...
it buzzes on and you cannot get any peace
and my parents lived like that and never payed any
attention to me most of the time
and it is a drug
it prevents you from sinking into yourself and your
fears, and it is exhausting
recognize the energy, that drug frenzy energy and know you
must just stop and be here
and breathe and calm your mind until it is a placid, loving lake
peaceful, yet alive and lively, with the reflections of the beauty
of world just here, in the moment, light reflecting off the mirrored surface

I come back and see I have facebook friends I don't even know
and now they're loaded in my phone
and there's way too much information at my fingertips
and I may slip up and find something I don't want know
and what were my dreams trying to warm me about
and how can I find peace between my ears?
i didn't have a good childhood so now I imagine one
back in my home town with the parent I never had and
feeling loved and warm throughout the day, and not
looking out the window and wondering what I did wrong to cause my mother
to leave and realizing, knowing now after 500 years of therapy that it was about
her and not me, and my boss is not my mother and after 500 years of therapy
you'd think I'd know that but it's hard sometimes...
what we have to do is come back to what we know to be true
past all the chatter and shoulds and inner cruelties
you may have to obey someone but you don't have to respect him
inside although you play act at meetings and all
A lot of staying sane seems to be, knowing what you know
when you are really in your true self and being able to hang on
to that, you know, that is hard but not as hard
as all the chatter and self recriminations
so it is worth it, my friend, it is very worth it.

I asked like I was back in school
I had a headache from the outer limits
and aches to boot
and he came over and gave me that little massage
and I felt those masculine fingers
dig into my shoulders and neck
and give elief, and move my clothes, oh, it was a treat
Not soft, yet pliant and warn, not like mine
but different and seemed born
to give pleasure to the likes of me
I'll call you tonight he said and inside I felt glee
but by the time he called I was only half human
memories of his hands were hazy and far
and he said we'd talk when I'm well
and that all right, don't know him that well,
don't want him to see my plight
a flu shot, hand sanitser and still I just fall
sick

Taken down, step by step
like an animal infected by a poisoned arrow
one day, an ache in my back, no surprise at that
next day, aches all over, and things are feeling overwhelming
Next day, aches in big joints, and hour by hour, I feel like I can't move
and a heach ache has moved in that won't  leave and I'm confused and
things are so diffcult, and I find it hard to get up
I can't dial the numbers for the sub, must take it slowly
and  somehow I made it to the drugstore about 24 hours ago
and bought stuff I could make purple drop out of
and I'm down, in this other world, thinking skewed nightmares
my cosolation.

For once I see clearly
Grounded, the anxiety haze
that turns shmucks into great guys has lifted
and I see you with all your flaws
I see you because I am connected to the true me
not the scared little girl who wanted her mother's love
so desperately
and it lasted, and lasted
and last night the haze was there
and all I wanted was you with me
but today, how clearly I could see
how awful, how wrong and bad you are
I pray to stay in that space
of reality

Something I'm only learning now
and it's empowering how
what you think stay inside your head
and if it's not said
you can just think what you want
and no one can taunt
because it's private

I can sit in a stultifying meeting
think these people are fools and should be leaving
their jobs to some one else
Because their inept and fascinated only by themselves
and I don't like them much
but I can think that and they can't touch
me at all
and that's power, finally I'm finding this all

So much to be done
eyes hurt, feet hurt
cat hisses at nothing, only frustration
cramming work into minutes making time seem like it's squished
together and blending into itself, one minute overlapping the next
try to keep a clear mind from work to grocery store
to home, to clean to eat to, to,
my verbs, of what must be done, are rising over the top
of what is possible.

because men do that
have a long history of it
my parents lost their fathers because of it
and i lost my husband and dates, too
so what do you do?
its not something you can control
so chasing them won't help at all
soothe the abandoned inner child
because you are no longer her
and you don't need them, so let them go

one of the most difficult things
something that can relieve you of want
is to find a place to just be here
no thoughts to be clung to
they pass by like clouds on a windy day
only the present moment
4:42, rain drops on the porch
refrigerator hums
bring this hereness to your biggest challenges
into the throws of your battles and deepest sorrows
let it ground you like a ship's anchor
to your true self

The guy sitting behind me
opened up a tupperware,
brought his own food
to my favorite cafe
and he smacks his lips as he eats it
crunches the world's loudest salad
and burps as a finale

*I want to **** him

You know you shouldn't do it
You know it won't solve any of your problems
You try to talk yourself out of it
You can predict all the bad stuff that will befall
You feel safe for a few moments
Then you do it.

1984, my new Macintosh 512K gleamed before me
So modern.  I was on the cutting edge cusp of the techno revolution
I remember the sound it made as you put in the start up disk
That disk was so small, like smaller than a 45 record and stiff like a credit card

We were all so techno.  
Everyone who was anyone in my dorm had ditched their IBM Selectrics for a Mac.
I couldn't type, so this was a total just plain survival
Being able to sleep through the sound of that dot matrix printer pounding out
a paper you'd just finished at 9 AM for a 10 AM class became a dorm life skill

I got an i-phone today.  It's so kool and modern
I am so techno and I look around the
Verizon store and wonder how quaint a picture of this place will look
in 50 years.
What will be new then?
This store will look like the computer that filled a warehouse to send astronauts to the moon.
And it's that technology that gave me the i-phone
What lasts?  
Ideas, meaning, poems, concepts, stories, universal truths...the same things
the ancients could carry with them from camp to camp

The guy I'm obsessing about
I saw his picture and without a doubt
I was horrified at the sight
Dear God, it's taken all my might
To rid myself of this recurring dream
my morbid fantasy
and I could scream
When it comes to men I'm truly crazy!

writing is thinking
teaching is what I do for a living
you're not supposed to say I like teaching for
the vacations, but that's a big perk
Plus, you don't have to sell things
and you get to do something meaningful for money

My thoughts become murky
How do I get my script from A to C?
the B part, it's shrouded in mist
like a grasp for it but there is no spine

I wanted to finish it this vacation
but I always want to vacate, too
Life is too short and we do our best
the worst is to waste your precious energy
worrying because you only have control of so much

Stay in the moment, even if it is painful and not what you want
Even when you are tired at work and it's the last place you
want to be and you think you'll be fired
just be there
it makes it better
be there for all your moments
is all you can do

A restaurant is honest about what they have, more or less
Do you have real brewed Ice Tea?  
May I have that table by the sea?
I've never settled into a restaurant, read the menu and run out
Dating is like being blind, maybe like that dark room at the Oakland "Exploratorium"
that I was always too scared to go in as a child
You hear what he has, and you have only your feelings to guide you
Alas, most are not good: man boy, been there, done that:
Exploded spine, dislocated ankle, internal injuries, crashed car or two or three
A feeling inside: no, I don't like this, but the conversation is only just beginning
and another voice says: poor thing, you must stay and help
And besides, it's rude to run out of a restaurant
This ain't no restaurant: psychology has told me
"This is all about your mother"
Poor thing, I had to stay and help, or she would become wickedly
brutally angry, a white rage to burn me to ashes, and I am blind
feeling my way through feelings that have been messed with, lassoed to the ground
hog tied, and somehow set themselves free, then learned to tie themselves down just to please
It's dark in here.  No one can see if I run away.
I look around, see only blackness and no one can see me, not even she
I untie the ropes and walk away.

I said, to myself.
More than your mother does, or your father
Enough to make you safe
to leave energy for empathy and understanding
Enough to value life,
even through its rough and winding roads
leave cuts and wounds that bleed,
"because you are all I have," I said
My whole life
has been a struggle to not drain out
to stay here and remember I exist

Just little tiny pieces
inside my battered psyche
I'm not writing about wars
or climate "change" even though
I remember when we called it Global Warming
I guess that was too much reality
And it's now an eventuality
today I've backed from the abyss
It's personal, I admit
Nothing that will effect life in the Middle East
or even the next street
But for me the change is huge, that I can pick myself
up from the blues so much faster than before
And if I can do it, so can anyone, that's the score

I awoke, it was 5 AM or some such ridiculous number
and there are definitely at least two types of people in this world
morning people, and people who like to sleep in the morning
but I am trying to forget him
a feeling I have, this isn't even going to be anything
not a passing friendship, I think he decided yesterday
because I am what I am and I'm glad the Netherlands outlawed mink farms
and he likes to dissect them and I can't, I read a book today and it says
you can't be who you aren't just to please someone else and I love
animals and hate those who persecute them and I find myself
on the freeway, in the dark, practically a traffic jam of morning people
and then streets filled with them like they think it's noon
and I arrive at a steaming factory where it looks like people are being
boiled alive there is so much steam and human arms rising out of the water and back again
like they are struggling to the surface, only to be pulled back down and boiled
waving for help and no one helps.
It's 6:05 when I finally get to split a lane with someone I can barely see because
human figures dissapear 25 meters away in what now looks like dense fog and
the coach smiles at me, like he sees I'm crazy too
Rush hour, underwater is clear, but who called this strange meeting of people in water?
A stressed, crowded swim and I'm back to the silent phone with ice toes that might
break off so I take drink and begin to sweat
And I deleted all the numbers last night but there was a text so
I look and there it is, and I only look at the area code because I can't
memorize that number. That is death.  You can't escape then.
And by mid morning I've called again and there is no answer
and by mid afternoon I remember to delete all numbers and I missed one
call from a collector, but he hasn't called back and I've been rejected
by someone I don't even like and somehow it makes it worse
because I had planned to tell him I didn't want to see him
that I wasn't sure about this, day trips, all that when I've never
ever had a conversation with him I've enjoyed.
And I sit at my desk, because by God, I must do work now and
desks make you do more work and I don't want to leave the house
because I'll spend money and there is no money and my big giant
grey and white cat takes up at least half the desk.
And the phone is silent
And I do some work
And look up silly things like how you get a stallion to ******* into a device
and it's actually pretty easy.
And a married Polish composer starts chatting with me on Facebook
and so I get off.

It was out of sight and too far
Now it's off but it's still there
but it won't co-operate and I'm scared
How could I come this far
have so much wisdom a whole bunch of  intuition
and then at the hint of a little romance
I'm naked in that storm, without a chance
Cold wind blows through my tinted hair
Snow flakes melting on my body, here and there
Obsession

Panic ensues, desperate OCD
I know I'm truly crazy
What to do with this **** phone?
The call I want won't come through on its own
I need it, can't destroy it
Right now I'd like to boil it
I need to be away from civilization
I'm not made for normal conversation
I tried to turn it off and it resisted
I had to press real hard, but finally it desisted.  
Peace.

And I'm throwing it off the pier
I want to hear it as it hits the water
see the splash and feel
a drop come back up in my face
the ***** diesel water will cleanse
and maybe then I'll finally be on the mend
I don't even know much about him
Just talked to him a few times, but already
that thing is kicking in and I don't feel fine

Four messages on my phone, his is the last
"You're more difficult to get a hold of than I am, see you at work."
Rejection assumed, blow her off, see her at the copy machine
I call, already feeling like I'm invading his space, since he's said
see you at work and that's a week away
But he answers and it turns out he is injured from mud football
Sitting there, in pain, wondering if he's bleeding internally
An Emergency room down the street.  He'll tough it out.
My X.  Rugby. He scored and exploded a part of his spine in his neck
but we went to three bars that night and he refused to go to the ER
which was just down the street.
I woke up alone, he came back floating on meds, an X-ray in tow, asking for warm things
I found an electric neck wrap, then
he was plastered onto the floor
fast asleep, neck wrap on high, the cord stretched taught across the living room.
Never fully recovered.  His muscular arms, the right one, withered away.
One day I gasped in internal horror as I saw it, smooth, looking more like mine
extending out from the now loose fabric ring of a sleeve of a polo shirt
His left arm now the muscular one, filling out the shirt on the other side
It was sickly, and unattractive, and I lost some faith him that moment, and felt guilty
and his pain, it never fully left him
When we divorced he blamed me for not stopping him
from playing Rugby that day.
We had to divorce, or I was going to end up like his right arm
I tell this new one--go to the ER.
So he decides to.  Why does he need a woman to tell
him to make sure he is not bleeding internally?
"it hurts, it usually doesn't" stating the obvious
"I'll take some magazines" he says, now showing a bit of initiative
Sure, I think,  make sure to take some ****, to pass the time and take away the pain
And that's all there is, no time for conversation
Except when I talk he likes it, but then has to go real quick
How many men have died without a woman to tell them to get help?
Same old...how to just let it go
How to not get wrapped up?
How not to care, but just eye him
as an object d'art, noticing his features
a reporter, taking in his personality
But resisting the urge to dive in
Leave it hazy, just walk away
it's not worth it, at least not yet

Warm and fuzziness is the feeling I crave
That feeling that everything is OK, with me, the world,
the sun is shining, I'm out of that dank cave
And there's one way to get it, even though I know even though I've been told
through science I know, there are really two ways

Science isn't poetic, but it explains and you can understand it
Doesn't change much of anything in how you feel as you go along
I feel like I'm living through a ****** Kesha song
and that is sad and just plain wrong

Men.  They can give me, that seratonin high
And there's nothing better, although I've looked well nigh
everywhere and run down train tracks, into seedy bars,
took those pills in plastic bags and ***** jars,
it always comes back to that one elusive feeling
that floating, I am attractive, enough and everything will be just fine
And I'd drink a case of wine
except I know it wouldn't take me there,
just make me sick, and lie around making a rat's nest of my hair

It makes me seem desperate
For the guy who is experiencing me and it
I don't even have to like him
He just has to turn a kind eye and off I go
That's how I entangled with my X I know
I didn't even like him much, but off I went
and ended up married under one of those Jewish tents

So one call and I'm high
And then an hour later it's over and I'm low
There is only one thing I know
I must take the sage advice
that I've paid a high price
for
and that is: this feeling, to myself I can give
and if I learn that I won't feel like this
I can, anyone can, renew from the inside out
I don't have to walk around in helpless doubt

But it's the hardest thing in the world
harder than the butterfly stroke
that I'd never tried to learn
I wish there were drugs in some ancient urn
and I'd walk a thousand miles on my knees
until they were bloodied
to plunge my hand in and consume that thing
or I wish at least I had some book
that could teach me how to get there, or at least how it would look
Just be here, science says, that's all it does.  It's not enough.

I know we'll have a fabulous time together
Next semester at work will be great
I'll be warm and fuzzy for life
I've never actually been out with him
Never been alone with him
It's just, when it comes to men, I'm ******.

Hopping along in six inch heels, angling toward a mirror
A little Asian woman, must have weighed six ounces, coming near
Followed by a white guy, who held a **** party dress
His eyes were all on her in those shoes, and she spoke little English
I saw her distress, and the power this man seemed to have
And I could only think of one thing, ease her imbalance, make her a little glad
"Comfy?" I asked as she struggled and hopped in front of me
She mumbled and shook her head, but then there was that big "he"
"Looks to me like he likes those shoes more than you,"
The untinted greys in my hair flashing,
I could see she was doing whatever he wanted, afraid, wanting to look attractive
I see girls trying to walk around downtown in shoes eighty miles high
but at least they speak English and they're not potential purchase brides.
"Can you dance in those shoes?" he asked  and she shook and mumbled no
So he backed down, and off did those shoes go
Later I saw him buying her dress and a little bag
While she looked at Hello Kitty watches behind the ***** case of glass
He didn't buy her mile high shoes, and I breathed a sigh of relief
She may be in a precarious situation, but at least she'll have her feet.

Cat, Mouse
Beach, Sand
Cookies, Milk
Coffee Bar, Toilet

For as long as there has been a cerebral cortex, there has been teaching
Humans, even the dumbest among us, for knowledge we are reaching
But somethings happened to the state of our education
And I speak from experience, in the trenches of our education nation
Something is wrong, something must be done, the war cry began
Teachers were fired, and some couldn't get up again.
Schools went their separate ways, like fighting friends
Some took up the new approaches like the latest fashion trends
Skinny jeans now, but bell bottoms were all the rage I remember when
Then there were the school takeovers by the State and army then
School became a grind, of test scores and dead students filling in bubbles
And that's pretty much where we're at, and still, yeah, there's troubles.

I could think of many swear words to express my
profound distress at the need to work again
Such a normal thing to have to do and yet
I turn against me
I'd rather be doing other things,
Wouldn't we all?
Your words still wound me and I'm supposed to forget them
What a tough time this is
All my flaws suddenly turn technicolor
They're all I see, all my mother would see
You have taken her place and I want you to love me
What a joke. Really when I can walk on water she will love me.
And so will you.  But those moments that filled me with rapture
I had your positive attention, and I was was floating.
It was an illusion.  I was the one forgiving my flaws
I was the one suddenly appreciating me
I was the one feeling useful and worthy
You were just standing there, giving me a flash
of your time and no more because you are basically stingy
So today, I felt like such a loser but I asked a cute swim coach
about the Master's work-outs and I could join
Me who only swims because of a lifetime of bad knees
But there are men of all ages thrashing about in the pool
Walking out for the world to see in the Speedos
And I look up for a breath of a breastroke and I see what lies underneath the lycra
So, honestly, it would be a social, healthy, motivating kind of thing
If I am worthy of it, if I can forgive my out of shapeness and lack of technique
The men, bare chested, some with hair, some not, all nearly naked
swimming back and forth and then chattering about their man lives
One more piece of motivation

I want to look at it, pose with it
take pictures as I caress it and aim, wearing very little
Feeling very ****, especially if it wasn't loaded
It would bring me such excitement,
but ultimately, I'd get bored, and there it would lie
amidst all the other junk that once got me high

is supposed to be lonely and scary and empty
but at this stage in my life, being alone
is like building myself up from within
I crave this time, like I've run a marathon
without a drink
and it is so satisfying

Who has power of me
is an illusion
my father bought me a box when I was maybe eight,
that made a hologram
you could reach inside and try to pick up a rainbow
your fingers smashed together, unsatisfied
He is that rainbow, his power is so limited over me
It's me who gives him more
All the he's and even she's I gave myself over to
skin turned inside out, a ****** offering
and I don't have to do that
I can keep my skin on, and be safe, in the space around me.

I was quite content
Amid the struggles around me
the car that nearly ran over me
people so busy to make something
out of nothing
cosmopolitan, am I
you must know, can't be shy
In another land, a non Christian one
Christmas doesn't happen, or Thanksgiving
I lived like that for years ignoring it
forgetting them or looking at them from a distance
like an odd right performed by some other people
who dance around a tree
have made it into an industry
that powers an economy
I forgot our holidays, and now I'm back they come along
I remember that sense of duty and obligation
I had before I lived in other worlds, to make them happen
and do what must be done
and now, I don't care and today I spent doing as I pleased
and I was perfectly happy and the"beginning of the year"
will now come and I know it is only St. Sylvester's day
there are so many options about what to do
and one of them is nothing
You may feel sorry for me, that I am so jaded
and I think I should feel wrong for what I do or don't do
but actually, I am happier now, and more free

A big American auto dealership shining bright
Silver columns glint in the morning light
Displaying brand new cars at different angles and heights
It pops out of the dull landscape like a bright star at night
But it was not so long ago
That we were about to lose this all
And I remember the swan song before the fall
It's amazing it's there now, standing tall
I was living in NYC
Married, my husband and me
and it was all about the SUV
we saw no reason to conserve any energy
The rest of the world was thinking
Our resources are shrinking
Maybe our cars, should, too
And that was really the thing to do
But ask an exec back in Detroit
What to do right now, what is right
And bigger is better like might makes right
Would be the answer, a sorry plight
And then it all crashed and burned
would not work, like an SUV that could not turn
down a narrow street in an older part of town
made before we thought less of me and more of the crowd
And I'm not glad for the greedy execs
but it was really about American workers necks
I'm glad we helped the car industry
Will it happen again? We shall see.

Healing droplets from the sky
ping my bamboo plant, then off they fly
I sit inside cozy and warm
Nightmares in my mind are my thorn
Move toward the monsters I am told
Only then will they crumple, weak and old
Why am I cursed with a mind like this?
that only wants the good things for me to miss
It's still a child's mind trying to cope
without love, without hope

It's a curse to have these ideas flitting around inside your head
Begging to be written down and fleshed out and understood
I start going on it, I try, and then I think this is no good
just stop and I fight through that because the ideas still come
and it's so hard because writing is thinking and it's all a part
of me, damaged me who is insecure and battered and confused
and anxious and filled with ideas and creativity so I return
to my script, my painful birthing process that must finally be done
but it's so hard, and my mind muscles tear and want to run away
So I must be strong, I must stay