Al Capone called a hit from some Chicago hideout
and there was a ****** of a bunch of other mobsters
and a reporter came in and said I had more brains on my shoes
than in my head
and isn't that funny?

I took a risk, I know I'm a crazy loon when it comes to guys
some guy I don't even like that much but I turn to him in my
pain trying to get through my days, now
and I try to get him to go out but no there are excuses
and suggestions of him drinking a bunch of beers when one
makes him whoozy
and it was a Thursday, and I was back after two days
trying to plan my new life and everyone there was so nice
so I come back to "that place" to do my sentence, and
I can't find him at his normal spot--he's hiding in a little room
in a bunch of chemicals
and we talk and I ask him about going out after work
and he states flatly I have a date

And it's like I've been hit by an invisible bomb
I don't know what registered on my face
adrenaline rush in my stomach and just trying to fake it kool
like no big deal, I can't get you to come out, but
his ex girlfriend set him up with a woman and he "has to" go
and I translate in my mind, you "want to" go
and it feels sickening things were a
little more hopeful, driving through the fields of Monterey and a friendly
department at Cal State Monterey Bay

And wind, and sand dunes, and a hope for a better future
and now this. So I stammer out a couple of lame things
and he tells me he doesn't like girlfriends and will be single until he's 75
and I don't know what happens then and he's 41 and only been with someone for three
months, tops and I just sit there,

the kids, high school romance all around and hearts and chocolate and balloons
and stuffed animals and they ask me what I'm doing for Valentine's day
and I say, the guy I liked just told me he's going out with someone else

So I come home and mix up some crystal light and ***** like four times
until i'm talking to myself in a Southern Accent and explaining to myself
why this hurts and my cat lies across my face and purrs so all I can hear
is a smooth soothing sound and I cry and cry

And I know, I'm not ready for the dating game.  Because if I was
I'd have someone up my sleeve too and I'd be comparing and contrasting
and all of that
but I don't
I just took a risk on a flirt and I knew I could get hurt

and all the empty desperation of my child self abandoned floods back
in and my friend says you don't want him, really

and it's true and I cry again and nothing makes sense

Is what I feel like today
that in America is supposed to be
a heart's fantasy

I just couldn't reisist
a little flirt, chance at a kiss
and then on that big V-day
come what may
he's out with someone else
and I'm splattered all across the room
i don't know when
I'll ever be
ready
to face love's chance again
but this is not when

I'm not playing the dating game
just trying to escape
just trying to be
just trying to feel me
ok and not retched
not spending my lunch break
over my desk,  tears on the laptop
God, this is over the top

And this is what I thought
if it's easy, I can not
avoid it
but if it's this same old stuff
All the dating, rolling in the rough

I can't handle it
I'm still just a stiff
when it comes to taking a chance
on a little romance

That ends with the object of my desire
the one I'd admire
on a date set up by his ex

and this is just a step
and not his fault or nothing
because we're just atoms
crossing nothing and ramming into each other

and now I am completely lame
and down for the day
finished all the ***** in the house
feeling like a louse

And I'm not having fun
So it's time to stop, the game is done

I shoulda known going out of my league
I thought this would be nice, if only it's easy
but it sure aint' at all and I'm really in the fall
flat on the cement, body parts evident, splattered all over the place
even some in my own face, body meat spray, just like Israel on a day
of a suicide bomb
spent lunch time in a sob
why I am such a dumb one?
Why do I fall for such pond ****
ok, maybe he's a diamond
to someone I can't find um
but my darling he's out with someone else right now
and I'm on the shelf
four vodkas to my name
and it's such a shame
can't keep torturing myself.
should have not fallen at all
but I did, and it's true, this love
ain't gonna do, cuz as soon as I was out of sight
he ran with all his might
into another's arms
and that's really ok
because come what may
only I'm not ready for this
not playing this dating game,
not waiting for a kiss
and that's all there is
just me, vulnerable and amiss
and I thought, he's not like me
he's playing the field
and of course I was right
and now I'm out of my league
lonely
in the night
but that's gotta be the way it is.

cuz that's who I is
right now
just still a kind of pudding
of a loving human being
easily squashed and
the pain is too much
so that's how it goes
just me and the ***** and forgeting
everything that goes

if you want to know what it's like
come to my home town
and you might be scared
but I've never felt more here than when I'm there
there is diversity,
and open homosexuality
and all kinds of weird clothes
and vegan places on little roads
and tattoos and non judgemental stares
and street people strutting their wares
and you may think its crazy
but to me it's amazing
if only I could come back
live here, I'd be on track

I called so he could hear it,
I know he likes it
my home town, and me, and he
talking
how weird
what is going on?  
how am I to know?
he couldn't hear the ocean through the phone
and what will happen, I don't know

it will prove
how smart and lovable I am
not overworked and still sick after
a month of coughing and pain
if he calls, I will be redeemed
not rejected and secure and safe
not nervous and frightened about
what the future holds
if he calls, it will prove nothing
it will be a momentary drug that won't last
because he's have called before
and I feel wretched in this moment,
working on a weekend
still sick
and unable to be at peace with myself.

come heal me
take me up in your arms and you'll see
how perfect I am to you
and we'll bask in each other's warm glow
no one else to know
or show
our love completes us
never leaves us
and you aren't real
with reality, I must deal