I wanted you to respect me and think she is good at her job
and you didn't, but of course
that didn't stop me from wanting you to look kindly upon me
and seem to look forward to seeing me
but you didn't and more and more
seeing me seemed to be a trial for you and now
my mere presence causes you to practically foam at the mouth and
say I'm projecting, which is not what I'm doing
I'm just sad.  That's all. Just sad that we never connected and it was never natural and it was
what it was just not nice or anything and you never got me or liked me or understood me
no matter how much I showered you with attention and compliments and tried to say nice things and was really going crazy with the process and now it's over

So I guess I can stop trying to make someone who doesn't like me, like me and
keep trying to get myself to like me...which in the end, is all I have.

So many mixed emotions and feelings of...guilt for not feeling worse about
being fired
Like it should be just a devastating mixture of an acid knife cutting through my
stomach, but it is more like, I am lighter like a Monarch butterfly, despite needing to
shed fifty pounds, and more hopeful and optimistic as I
walk around and finish out my tour of duty at this school
that really feels like I'm in a bombing raid with everyone miserable around me all the time
and no one really hopeful and just there and now I get to leave, or must leave
and it is so hard to leave a paycheck that had I not been forced
I might have stayed
And I was so miserable and no amount of wine from the valley would have made it palatable
and I don't mind moving on at all, was really looking forward to it rather as my mind wandered
up and down the miserable stretches of time and spent a good part of down time commiserating
with fellow sufferers of the place
And now I have high blood pressure, to compound it all, and I feel like maybe now
I can maybe, just maybe find something less toxic because this was certainly
not for me
So I do get scared, but am balanced on a knife's edge and I don't feel it,
so perhaps it isn't a knife's edge at all
perhaps I've fallen into a pit of feathers and can relax into them for awhile.

Saw it coming five miles away
"Not a good fit" as they say
Thought the place was wacky from the start
Didn't want to take the job, but that's all they got

Now I'm struggling with conflicting feelings
Should feel bad, but my mood has hit the ceiling
Free at last, is on my mind
I'm not in jail forever, can go back in time
and take that other turn down the road
I feel better now, like a firework ready to explode

What kills comes
Not
from the outside
but
From within

So why do I follow
check my phone a thousand times a day
and wallow
in the pain of rejection
that's really for my own protection
don't like him much
we haven't even touched
If I pursue
it's what I do
Habit and addiction
Looking for that love connection
for that hurt little girl
who wanted to hurl
herself into the sea
because her mother abandoned me

Have you seen _?
She asks early in the morning when I'm tired and upset
have music blasting through my ear drums so I can stand to exist in this place
On our break, she re-appears, to deliver a package, some materials to help you
I am with you, still, we are work aquaintances, and I see you already have a lover here
A former baseball mom who has remodeled herself, at her new job
pretending husband and children don't exist as she seeks you out, hair done perfectly
dressed to accencuate the ******* and behind, sits so close, has promoted you in her department
to the position of soul mate

And when I flirted a little with you about going together to a fundraiser
you resisted, and now I know why, because you already have a date
and now I know why she tried to be assigned to our work group
when she is really in another because you are there, and you are her light
and my former married flame saw this,
and after the meeting, he ran, as if stung by a bee
to his new work flame, by her side
not alone, and I've finally forsaken him
and he may fire me, or not, but the ring on his finger still isn't there
for her to see, and she needs him, for her own career rehabilitation

Just watch, I am told.  Just watch since you are really not my type and
that is what discerning women do, who don't get swept off their feet by
posssessive and abusive men...and I won't go there again even though
I was defenseless then...given my background and insecurities
but stronger now and men near us nibble juicy meat off ribs
and talk about them, as we sit together, ****** tension still a bit there
even though it's fairly casual "It's so tender and moist, so soft, tender, but a good chew"
and I can't help but smile thinking that these heterosexual men are describing what
they most love, and at then end there is only a hard bone left
which should be of interest to me, except that is not enough since
there is little feeling in me to receive its pleasures, and that is just a compromise of nature

And I tell you I adore you, which is a complete tongue in cheek exxageration
but to get through your thick skin it is a plea for you to stop teasing and judging me
and let us just be friends who are nice to each other
and wander away

I can't pretend I don't see
that you're with her...married no less
arching her back, crossing her legs with her foot in a high heeled shoe and sitting so close to you
why is she there every day for those important discussions to be made
and you act like you don't even know me, around them
You invite me on ski trips, day trips and when you see me
around her, I am nothing
nothing to you and I can't do that
it hurts too bad, so it's over before it even started
I see that warning sign.  I'm not blind
Try to talk myself out of it...
Life so stressed, now I'm more of a mess
because of you, never prepared for this
only if it was easy, and not hurting and burning
because I'm already on a knife's edge
so you're number is gone from my phone
my drug, I've thrown away the last bottle
if you want to talk to me, then see, me
there, in front of her, and let her see what you said to me
I'm not a hidden woman, letting you play
Let the cards fall as they may, but hurting this bad, please
let this be the last time
over you.