Taken down, step by step
like an animal infected by a poisoned arrow
one day, an ache in my back, no surprise at that
next day, aches all over, and things are feeling overwhelming
Next day, aches in big joints, and hour by hour, I feel like I can't move
and a heach ache has moved in that won't  leave and I'm confused and
things are so diffcult, and I find it hard to get up
I can't dial the numbers for the sub, must take it slowly
and  somehow I made it to the drugstore about 24 hours ago
and bought stuff I could make purple drop out of
and I'm down, in this other world, thinking skewed nightmares
my cosolation.

For once I see clearly
Grounded, the anxiety haze
that turns shmucks into great guys has lifted
and I see you with all your flaws
I see you because I am connected to the true me
not the scared little girl who wanted her mother's love
so desperately
and it lasted, and lasted
and last night the haze was there
and all I wanted was you with me
but today, how clearly I could see
how awful, how wrong and bad you are
I pray to stay in that space
of reality

Something I'm only learning now
and it's empowering how
what you think stay inside your head
and if it's not said
you can just think what you want
and no one can taunt
because it's private

I can sit in a stultifying meeting
think these people are fools and should be leaving
their jobs to some one else
Because their inept and fascinated only by themselves
and I don't like them much
but I can think that and they can't touch
me at all
and that's power, finally I'm finding this all

So much to be done
eyes hurt, feet hurt
cat hisses at nothing, only frustration
cramming work into minutes making time seem like it's squished
together and blending into itself, one minute overlapping the next
try to keep a clear mind from work to grocery store
to home, to clean to eat to, to,
my verbs, of what must be done, are rising over the top
of what is possible.

because men do that
have a long history of it
my parents lost their fathers because of it
and i lost my husband and dates, too
so what do you do?
its not something you can control
so chasing them won't help at all
soothe the abandoned inner child
because you are no longer her
and you don't need them, so let them go

one of the most difficult things
something that can relieve you of want
is to find a place to just be here
no thoughts to be clung to
they pass by like clouds on a windy day
only the present moment
4:42, rain drops on the porch
refrigerator hums
bring this hereness to your biggest challenges
into the throws of your battles and deepest sorrows
let it ground you like a ship's anchor
to your true self

The guy sitting behind me
opened up a tupperware,
brought his own food
to my favorite cafe
and he smacks his lips as he eats it
crunches the world's loudest salad
and burps as a finale

*I want to **** him