I come here not to fight,
but rather to lay down my weapons.
I come here not to prove
to you
or to anyone
my worth as a woman.
After many years of picking fights with myself,
I now know my worth
like the back of my
hand.
Instead I come here
to make a public apology
an apology to me.

Dear woman, I am sorry
that I ever believed the lie
that you are not ‘equal’
not just to a man
but to anyone else on this level ground
I am sorry that I have sold you short
to a system that has tried
to silence you
I am sorry that I have second guessed your better judgement
Your innate intuition
Your profound ability to
FEEL the world around you
I am sorry that I have fought too hard
to lay aside your femininity
that is your strength
in order to appear “equal”
Equality is not found in
position or right.
Dear woman. You ARE equal.
I’m sorry I have not believed in you enough
So that you ever thought for one moment
that strength is in position
or weight
or muscle
I am sorry for being ashamed
of your ******* and your curves
or for selling your body to a belief
that your worth is contained inside your hips
and your lips
I am sorry for bending your spine
to be swayed by
the words of another
I am sorry for making you say “submission” like a bad taste in your mouth
without understanding its place, and its power
I’m sorry for allowing you to interpret the world
through your womanly insecurities.

I choose today not to blame,
not to point these fingers
at anyone, to say “you did this to me”,
I choose today to help myself stand
comfortably in my skin.
I choose today to love myself,
feed myself,
clothe myself
and wash myself
in the belief that
I can,
and I will.
I don’t need any mans or any ones permission
I don’t need the right
I don’t need an approving stamp.
I am a woman
and that is enough.

©2014ZoeRayTuckey

Have the *****

the SPIRIT

the SPINAL BONES stacked strong and straight

Have the GUMPTION

the STRENGTH

Have the JAW to take a knock for honesty

Have the FREEDOM

for goodness sake

Don’t tell me what you should

tell me something REAL

Say what I know you’re thinking,

Say it LOUD

Be proud of your thought

think for yourself

Throw a curveball of integrity

into the conversation

leading to apathy

Say it with your EYES

as well as your lips

Don’t just mouth the words

like some mechanical clone

People need to push up against your SOUND

Rub lies up the wrong way

stop saying what is safe

Try to match untruth

WORD for WORD

with the straight, black, hard line

that runs right through people’s shifting eyes

Be UNCOMFORTABLE

UNCOMPROMISING

Speak your words like a gift to heads starved

for RIGHT

Speak up man

Speak up to the man

Let your speech slam against the grain

don’t be a fool swimming with the tide

give people the PEARLS of your mind

Don’t ever  be blinded

for the sake of a world

without a spine

Say the words

that have been buried deep

under a pile of correctness

and say them

NOW.




© 2012 Zoe Tuckey

Let’s catch for us some puppets

Let them get caught between our rubbing hands

Let us collect them at their

lowest point

attach some strings

at their weakest joints

let us show them we care

Let them think that we love

Then let us rain

some money over their heads

and put them under burning lights

then let us fight

over the weakest

the most pliable

the ones with the least sense of worth

the ones with the most dirt in their past

Then let us surgically remove their backbones

and their minds

let us disguise their strengths

and clothe them in some new attire

then finally when they’re ready

let us escort them

into our fire





© 2011 Zoe Ray Johnson

That’s what I need.

Something soft and white, no colour at all, to lie on,

Something hot to slide down my throat.

A fluffy pillow

A breeze through my window.

A tree to look at outside, slowly swaying.

A hug that lasts for hours,

and hours,

and hours.

Sometimes I’d like to buy a box
a metal one
and put myself in it
Air tight and self sufficient
with a tiny peep-hole on the side
Sometimes I’d like to close my eyes
Pretend like I’m floating on the outside
of life
Pretend that no one can see my eyes
and interpret my uncertain smile

Sometimes I wish I could curl up tight
in the quiet of my mind
and wrap up all the loose ends
on the outside
turn off the messy
the cautious
the lies

Sometimes I wish I could get inside
one of the books I read at night
turn off the questions
and turn off the light
sometimes I am the wall
I hide behind

Sometimes I want to shut you out
for fear I will hurt you
or hurt myself
But most of all
I wish we’d just know
that we’re fine
that we’re loved
that we’re not letting go


© 2011 Zoe Ray Johnson

is the small girl

with puffy eyes

hiding under my ribs

and inside the layers of my mind

After thoughts and tears and sun have stained my past
After all that has been said lies across the tepid water
After mist and smog have done their duty
and truth settles and lies part
I know nothing
But I know love

After hurt tears into my veins
and pain rushes to my vital organs,
when I can’t breathe or see for the watery pool
that has become my sight
When I’m lost beyond finding,
cursed beyond blessing
When I’m treacherously failing
in every area of my life
I know nothing,
But I know love

When friendships become the sour lemons that I eat
When my stomach burns and turns with loss
When I can’t retrieve what I have thrown,
When I can’t salvage what I have lustily spent
When I can not forgive or be forgiven enough
I know nothing
But I know love

After evil word and evil deed
have spread their net and caught up my heart
After I sink beneath the waves of self pity
and get dashed on rocks of anger,
When I finally loosen the chords that so easily entangle
and set my gaze above
I know nothing
But I know
Love

© 2010 Zoe Ray Johnson

Resolve is      plastered    
underneath   my skin

coated    with
lay  ers


to keep it in


Sha llow
thoughts fizzzzle
like     nerve     ends


never
reaching
conclusion


Live wires
inside my        mind


faintly touch      the tip of my
tongue


then    snap    back
    without                  result


without
       explanation


without
          resolution


This waiting game
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
l.eaves me
.
a..nswer                 less
.
t.h.ought      less
.
m.ind                less
..

I don’t know if I can ever love you enough
Because my love is tainted
layered and smothered
by the eyes
the heart and mind
the soil
of a land that I love
more than myself
I am a creation
of her
I am a puppet
of her
I am a preacher
of her
The words on my tongue
are the alphabet of her
the only language I have known
The sore in my back
is the hurt of her
The pain in my eyes
is the sight of her
So deeply engraved is my heart
in her land
that I would give you up
I would settle it once and for all
I would lay down my rights
to your comfort
your friendship
I would cover the void
that you leave if I leave you
with the tears of her children
the dirt of her ground
the songs of her heart
I would cover the nameless
faceless whiteness of the void
with India

(c) Zoe Johnson 2010

Bow down right where you are
on your knees
Oh I’ve gotten to the bottom of you
and it’s a cold hard place
but your lies are old
and I’ve learned them
old ugly dog
old tricks


No longer will I fall
into your eager clutches
and no longer will I be stolen from
I’ll twist your wrists like you’ve twisted mine
Where you’ve tried to steal the Truth,
I will steal your empty eyes


Thief
Spluttering whispers you have spoken
just when Truth is on my tongue
Just when I find my voice again
You’ve taken the fragments of my imagination
and stolen my worth
You’ve put your pointed fingers
into my questions
and mangled the answers
before they’re birthed


But no longer will you steal
what is rightfully mine
My child
put in my womb
the birth of my dreams
the birth of my desires
Look at me Thief,
if you dare look into my eyes
See this child Thief?
This child
Is mine




©Zoe Johnson 2011

I’m covered in the brink of tears
the link to a memory long passed
I’m covered in an inky mass of words
words that don’t last
I’m covered in the thought to act
the thought of change
that never comes
I’m covered in a promising past
a waiting present
an uncertain future
I’m covered in the misty belief
that one day my time will come
I’m covered in the sawdust of whittled mindsets
that leave me exposed
I’m covered in the brown and blue
of the heavy world that I put on my shoulders
I’m covered in the dusty thoughts
that I was so sure of but am no longer
I’m covered in decisions and lines
puzzles and equations
I’m covered in a flicker of light
sparking one eyelash at a time
until it reaches my dull brown eyes
I’m covered in a soul that has been scraped new
still raw from the peeling
but smooth and ripe
and ready to be covered in
love


© Zoe Johnson 2011

I can relate to the girl in the tears
she’s 16 and in love
I can relate to the swearer
and the rebel
I can relate to the slow cooker
and the microwave oven
I can relate to the wrinkle
in the corner of an eye
and on the sides of a well used smile
I can relate to the wheels
on that 4×4 Jeep
and the tar on the road
I can relate to that fake laugh
that falls anxiously short every time
I can relate to the butterflies
inside that stomach
on that stage
I can relate to the fire
and the frost
and the luke warm water
I can relate to that tilted frame
trying to hold that pretty picture
I can relate to the river
always moving
I can relate to that split second
where those eyes flashed sad
and that mouth said otherwise
I can relate to that stupid ******* T.V
that said the wrong thing at the wrong time
I can relate to the shadow inside that heart
where someone did someone wrong
and it stays there to remind them
daily
I can relate to the paint
and the white wall
I can relate to the lady
with the cats
and the man who walks and talks
to himself
I can relate to the one that never wants to be
alone
or forgotten
and I can relate to the one
who sits inside
curled up tight
So I will try
to never point my finger
crookedly towards your face
because
I can relate.


© 2011 Zoe Ray

Call everyone you know
to sit on this bench of love
Though you put all your weight upon it
though you let out your anger on it
with a hammer
Scratch it
Cover it
Paint it black
it WILL NOT break
Though you engrave your worst thoughts
on its surface
and sprinkle it with lies
Though you spit on it
give your body, soul and spirit to another lover on it
It will not even
    creak or
         move

Though you may try to test it out on many people
take it to a place as dark as night
and let snakes and scorpions crawl around it
and though you question it
until you’re blue in the face
It WILL NOT
BREAK

Call all your friends
to sit on this bench of love
and let them be calm
and let them stop fighting
let them know the Truth
etched deeply in its wood
Let them stop trying to prove it weak
and worthless
and fake
because it
WILL
NOT
BREAK

©2011 Zoe Ray