Can she have another coffee please?
And fill it to the top
She doesn’t have much milk you see
Yes, up to there, now stop

Can he have that breakfast there?
But change the egg for beans
And swap the bacon for tomato
Are you getting what he means?

He’ll have a sandwich, hold the butter
He’s not allowed much fat
But then he asks for chips
And mayonnaise to go with that

All six of them want carrot cake
But don’t all want to pay
Can I cut a piece in half for them?
If not then they won’t stay

Can she have a salad?
No wait a Cornish pasty
No, hang on, now she wants a cake
And still I don’t get nasty

If it’s not there on the menu
Why do they always ask?
It’s as if just being awkward
Is for them a daily task

I could easily say no each time
Not go that extra mile
But that not how it works here
It’s always service with a smile

The customer is always right
Even when they’re wrong
We keep our smile in place because
They’re never here for long

And so we keep the rictus grin
The smile will never slip
Because without service with a smile
We’d never get a tip.

I have a little secret
It’s about the place I work
I’m supposed to be a teacher
But a school’s not where I lurk
I spend my weekdays cooking
Serving people tea
I’m not a chef though, in a classroom’s
Where I’m meant to be.

I think if I fry one more egg
Fill one more sugar ***
Spend one more minute worrying
If the ****** teapot’s hot
I might just lose the will to serve
At least the will to fry
I’m so tired of the ‘thanks so much’
The ‘have a good day’ lie

But please do not misunderstand
I’m not ungrateful for my job
It’s just not what I trained for
Being ******* to a hob
I expected to be in a class
Full of eager faces
Whose imaginations I could take
To so many different places

Instead I’m filling stomachs
Watching people eat and drink
I cook and serve, a faceless drone
So they don’t have to think
I know it’s not forever
This job I’ve grown to hate
One day I’ll take this apron off
Leave the café to its fate

The café will survive I’m sure
In fact I have no doubt
That’s why I don’t feel guilty
That I can’t wait to get out
The café will go on and on
Still serving up its tea
But next time that I see the place
What stranger will serve me?

Will I feel that they are in my place?
That their eggs are not quite right
That their service could be quicker
Their smile a bit more bright
Will I feel that I should tell them
How I once stood in their shoes?
How I thought if I fried one more egg
My sanity I’d lose

I think I’ll save those comments
Until she brings my tea
I won’t want to discourage her
While she’s still serving me
Besides she may enjoy her job
Who am I to wreck it?
Just because I missed the world
Of Austen, Keats and Beckett

She knows just where her future lays
I thought I knew the same
So why do I still keep a secret
Like it’s a source of shame?
I shouldn’t moan about my job
The wolf’s not at the door
It’s only bad days when I think
Just what did I train for?

There’s a man that works next door
We all find him such a bore
He’s ignorant beyond compare
For business he thinks he’s got flair

His ego’s always self-inflated
He has no idea how much he’s hated
He’s a diver, he’s a ducker
He’s a full time big star-******

To see his name in print
Would please him beyond measure
But I think he’s a prat
So I won’t give him the pleasure

Every day the people do it
We can always see straight through it
Every day they ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’
‘Where are we going’ and ‘how far?’
Walking right through our arcade
Playing out the same charade
Are they coming in to buy?
Or look at every price and sigh?
‘Candlestick sir, antique broach?’
‘Sorry must get to the coach’

Occasionally while one man browses
They will look at the price of houses
But we know that they’ll never buy
Because the prices are too high
‘Salami, cheeses, tongue in jelly?’
But they just walk past the deli
From their course they never budge
Unless of course they want some fudge
‘Perhaps a painting or knick knack
A china tea ***, letter rack?’

The gallery’s packed full of art
But from their cash they still won’t part
The café almost tempts them in
The smell of bacon tends to win
But then they look upon the clock
And wallets full still, off they flock
In short this daily stream of life
That travels through our little fief
Just amounts to so much teasing
Rather than shop keeper pleasing

There is a reason none the less
For their single-mindedness
Despite how varied our approach
We cannot hope to beat the coach

It’s nearly Christmas in the café; I just got my first card
So please Saint Nic just tell me why, enthusiasm’s hard?
I should be full of Christmas cheer, jingle bells all ringing
Baubles bouncing, tinsel shining, wondering what Santa’s bringing
I’ve not put up my Christmas tree, not hung my decorations
There’s not a single fairly light to hint at celebrations

The talk inside the café is evenly divided
Some can’t wait for Christmas while others have decided
That Christmas cheer has passed them by, can’t wait till it’s all done
They wonder why we bother when the cheer is so hard won
Worrying about the presents, have you got the bird?
Putting up the Christmas tree, the pressure is absurd

Whichever camp that we are in, humbug or Christmas cheer
We know just what will happen, because it happens every year
On Christmas Eve you’ll find us, running round just like a ******
Because you can’t have Christmas pudding without ****** brandy butter
The turkey won’t fit in the oven because it’s so **** big
And Grandad will be drunk by three and snoring like a pig

The kids will all be running round high on Quality Street
And you’ll be close to screaming as they get under your feet
At half past five it starts again with sandwiches and tea
With endless arguments over what’s on the TV
And all you wanted was to watch the new Wallace and Grommit
But you can’t because the quality street have reappeared as *****

When finally you get some peace and the kids are all in bed
You settle down on the sofa to watch Emmerdale instead
You remember that tomorrow, Uncle Jim and Auntie Brend
And all their various filthy offspring are due to descend
You haven’t got the joint out yet, the veg are all unpeeled
And if you're honest last year’s mental scars have not yet healed

So valiantly on you tread, even though inside you feel
You’ll end up in an asylum if another sprout you peel
What is it that keeps you going through this annual affair?
What makes you peel eighty more sprouts, what makes you want to care?
What makes you put up with more stress at this time of year?
What stops you killing Jim and Brend and drugging Grandad’s beer?

No Saint Nic I’m not sure either. Isn’t that quite weird?
It cannot be because of Jesus, the cool bloke with the beard.
I don’t think he would worry about the sprouts so much
Or think that turkey’s so important; perhaps we’re out of touch
Perhaps Christmas makes us crazy in a very special way
Just to make us more grateful for every other normal day

So whilst I’m not entirely sure that Christmas is a boon
I’m fairly sure I’ll be infused with Christmas spirit soon
I’ll hang up all my tinsel, get my ***** coordinated
By the time I have my tree up humbug will be eliminated
It’s a little bit like childbirth, this irrational Christmas fear
But that’s ok because once it’s gone I’ll forget it till next year.

I can see the apple pie looking at me from the fridge
I’m really trying to pass it by, not notice its sweet pastry ridge
I don’t want to taste its appley bits, so fruity and delicious
My inner voice is just the pits, it’s acting quite suspicious
‘cause while I’m being very strong and showing great resolve
My inner voice is forcing me to watch the pie revolve
I know that I should just stand fast and keep the pie a dream
But all that I can picture is apple pie and ice cream
Wait, what’s that you say, you’d like some apple pie?
Someone has eaten up my dream; I think I’m going to cry
Why did I prevaricate, my conscience didn’t budge
And now I want it, it’s too late. I’ll just have chocolate fudge.

Animals of the arcade, Farthing Wood we ain’t
Admissions must be made, not one of us is a saint

A motley crew are we, I suppose it takes allsorts
We share coffee, we share tea and we always share our thoughts

Such different species we all are yet side by side we stand
For even when we’re below par, we are a merry band

The chicken in her chilly room, she feels she’s lost her way
But we all know sunshine or gloom, she delivers every day

The pony keeps us all amused, trotting through the mob
But actually we are quite confused, what exactly is her job?

The wise owl often reads a book to pass the endless hours
She sits and shivers in her nook despite her selling powers

The elegantly pretty deer makes everything seem easy
No matter how she feels when here, she’s always bright and breezy

The deer has an assistant, a sleepy little mouse
Who can be quite persistent as she sells things for the house


And then there is the blackbird feeding everybody’s chicks
Variation is her key word as a future spouse she picks

Last and certainly not the most, the weasley little man
Who acts like he’s the perfect host but cons you if he can

And so each day we all display this animal behaviour
Six happy souls and one convinced he’s our sodding saviour!

Teaspoons *****
Cups rattle
Water gushes
Cans pop
Steam shrieks
Laughter tinkles
Voices rise
Over the top
Fridges buzz
Bacon sizzles
Coffee drips
As gossip spreads
Tea brews
Cakes devoured
Oranges juiced
Knives shred
Papers rustle
Scones rise
Eyebrows lift
Voices fall
Toast crisps
Eggs bubble
Soup warms
One and all

The surface noise
Always concerned
With etiquette
And propriety
But underneath
Can be found
The sounds of
Café society

I need to be enriched on a Tuesday afternoon
I may begin to lose my grip if it doesn’t happen soon
The drama club was my first choice, little actresses and actors
But clearly I was overlooking certain other factors
They all think they’re DeNiro, Kiera Knightly, Judy Dench
But they’re so bad that all they do is make my buttocks clench
They constantly repeat themselves digging ever deeper
It’s a shame they have the acting talent of a railway sleeper
There is so much over acting, extra cheese with all the ham
But they like all the attention so no one gives a ****
The play’s a melodrama, a very moving tome
But I’m only moved to tears because I’m desperate to go home
I just have to tolerate it for a few more painful weeks
Despite the fact it grates on me each time one of them speaks
A soon as they perform I’ll be free of these woodentops
I’m actually counting down the minutes til this torture stops
I am so bored of hearing about Maria Marten dying
At least when she takes her last breath, I can finally stop the lying
Yes you heard me, all this time; I’ve lied just like a pro
I’ve told each and every child in here they’re vital to the show
I’ve told them their performances will make their parents proud
Despite knowing that their only talent is in being loud
There’s no way I could tell the truth, I won’t crush all their dreams
I know they’ll all learn soon enough that life isn’t what it seems
What sort of teacher would I be to tell them that they’re crap
To say their acting talent won’t ever put them on the map
To tell them that they have more chance of flying to the moon
Than of picking up a golden Oscar statue sometime soon
So I shall grit my teeth and paste the smile back on my face
And pretend that I’m in rapture at their lack of skill and grace
I shall say congratulations every night that they perform
And I’ll stand and clap for each of them until my hands are warm
I’ll do this all but don’t be fooled I really won’t enjoy it
I’ll be seething all resentfully as through each show I sit
I will forbear for two more weeks, just fourteen days of pain
And then I’m never coming near this drama club again
Next time I’ll pick more wisely, think more clearly before choosing
Or I suspect it’s more than sanity that I’ll be loosing
My grip on that is tenuous to say the very least
And working with these divas has woken up my inner beast
I think I’ll try a nice relaxing book or homework club
Or perhaps I’ll save us all the stress and just go down the pub
Yes… that’s what I’ll do

It’s ten forty-five, he’s still alive
The bus picks her up yet again
Wears a permanent smile and yet all the while
Behind it is years’ worth of pain

In her face once was beauty, there now seems just duty
But really she does it for love
They were always a pair and she’s still always there
Just awaiting the call from above

She goes faithfully, bathing him, giving tea
Reminding him he’s still her man
She hides all her fears despite twenty hard years
Doesn’t think of before it began

Rain or shine she goes to him; his bright light is now dim
She is steadfast, devoted and true
Each day gets the bus with no hint of a fuss
Well, she loves him; it’s what she must do

It’s been more than a day, since she passed our way
An unheard of change in routine
There must be something wrong for an absence so long
But deep down we know what it must mean

It’s ten forty-five, he’s no longer alive
Her grief weighs her down like a stone
He’s always been there, now there’s only despair
And the knowledge that she’s all alone

It’s ten forty-five, she seems barely alive
The bus stops and takes her away
Still devoted and true, what else can she do
As she visits his grave every day

Hands down on the side you say
And stick that bottom out
I know you’re reaching for the cane
Bite my lip to stop the shout

I know it’s going to hurt me
That torturous instrument
I remember each and every pain
Every bygone punishment

I feel you move across the room
A slow motion fantasy
Then the exquisite point of contact
That tears a groan from me

The mark you leave upon me
Isn’t just there on my skin
The real mark of ownership
Is the one that is within



I know I can’t deny you
It’s not about permission
You understand the need to seek
New heights of submission

Each time you mark my pale white flesh
The bond between us shows
Each time you gift me one more stripe
My devotion to you grows

No one has ever seen me
In quite the way you do
You looked in to my eyes one day
And instantly I knew

I knew that I would kneel for you
That I’d beg for my correction
I knew I’d bow to your command
For that moment of connection

And in return you show me
Just how much I mean to you
With each one of my dozen strokes
You share your point of view

You show me that you love me
That I am yours and yours alone
No other hand can mark me
No other touch will you condone

I will repay that devotion
I’ll gladly bend and take the pain
I’ll earn my stripes most willingly
And surrender to the cane

Hands down on the side you say
And stick your bottom out
My heart is won, I am undone
My stripes remove all doubt

If he tells me how to do that yet again
I might just **** him

If he talks to me like I’m a child again
I might just **** him

If he mentions that famous friend on more time
I think I’ll **** him

If he pretends to listen then walks away again
I’ll have to **** him

If he makes my daily life a constant hell
Can I **** him?

If it saved the sanity of all who work around him
Should I **** him?

Is he really so important that he’s worth the effort?
The effort of killing him

Should I starve him of the attention that he craves?
That would **** him


Should I be the better person and rise above the torment?
Would that **** me?

No.

I can’t deny I feel compelled, to write this ode to you
You’ve opened up my eyes this week, I’m seeing things anew
I never thought I’d find a man who’d help me feel this way
You looked in to my eyes and knew just what you had to say
You taught me my first lesson,that *** was in the head
And it’s true that you seduced me before we ever reached the bed
You whispered words in to my ears, you looked and knew you’d won
You saw your words set me aflame and now I am undone
You said I didn’t tell you that I liked the pain so much
But perhaps I didn’t truly know until I felt your touch
So now I’m yours to discipline laid out for correction
Every second a torturous wait for that moment of correction
The moment that makes me cry out, that makes me understand
That I must pay with punishment, the sweet sting of your hand
I wonder sometimes what is wrong.  Why do I need the pain?
Why is it that I feel the need to surrender to the cane?
But I won’t question anymore, get ideas above my station
I know now that your word is law and I’ll take my flagellation.

An endless stream of grey
Meandering like smoke past my door
Swallowed by the gaping maw
Constantly this ravenous creature demands more bodies to devour
As un-protesting they all go to their doom

Is that a sign of struggle?
A momentary fluttering of rebellion in their eyes
The futility of their journey
Rebellion quashed, the creature roars
Stuffed with life, it staggers on its way to gardens unknown
And in its wake
An endless stream of grey