I want to make myself feel
The things I did when I was young
Like the first time I realized the vast world
And didn’t mind that I felt small

Now everything’s racing so fast
Forced to feel like it takes effort to breathe
Forgetting to just look, to just admire
Unable to breathe in the pretty intricacies

Growing up and out is beautiful in its own
But I’m losing the insight into the small
Pushing to pry open my eyes
Trying to see the flowers, the sea, the stars

I was naïve with my mind’s eye for the world
I threw myself into everything with all of myself
Not knowing how hurt I’d come out
Unaware of how it changed me

Unquestioning, I believed those I trusted
I wanted to feel sought after and they provided it
I took what they said as truth in exchange for love
Later, I realized the love was as conditional as the rules they gave

I felt led on with their fake smiles and avoiding answers
The answers trying to convince to their side
Only led me to question further
Why I gave into their insincere smiles

I’m a little more grown, now closing my eyes, experiencing again
How I felt before, how I changed little details of myself
Remembering how I’ve hurt and learned
I still wish I loved like I did when I was sixteen

why am i the one
who offers to carry
your heart in my hand

i promise to keep it
safe in the form
of holding your secrets

i unconsciously let people
in even when it hurts
both of us to open myself again

i carry your heart in my hand for safe keeping
in a little hand-carved box worth millions
and hide that box in my own heart

My eyes are bloodshot
But they aren’t tired just yet
My eyes look like I’ve seen too much smoke
Like they have swum in too much salt water
They are so dark the edges are almost blue
My friends thought they were black for a while
Two bruises that show everything I’ve felt
Show the scars I cut willingly into my skin
He touched me once or twice when I didn’t want it
I didn’t leave though
His fingers exploring my insides in ways no one ever should
I stayed though because that’s what I do, what I did.
I needed to save him from himself because
He hurt himself more than he hurt me
And he bruised my eyes pretty bad.
Another, he showed me what it meant to not want to live
What it took to beat a soul down to the size of nonexistence
What it took to **** him to the tune of Brand New
I always hated Brand New because it reminded me of you
You with your sad, exhausted eyes and sadistic laugh
I could tell that your laugh didn’t always sound like that
That one bad day, just enough people warped your laugh
Like the sun warps wood, so slow you can hear it
Each crack of the wood breaking your faith, breaking your will
And I lied with you that night on that carpet
As the little white pills mixed with that whiskey
And I carried you to the bed and didn’t call 911
Because you knew that’d be too easy.
After I left, you went down to the river and almost left
A month later, you called to say a 3-hour goodbye
You didn’t end up leaving the ground, so I had to leave you instead
Because my heart broke that morning for the final time
Like wood snapping under the pressure of the too-hot sun
My eyes are bloodshot
But they aren’t tired just yet
Because when I left, I left my crucifix
To the vultures because it was either that or me
And I’m tired of being eaten alive by sad souls
Who don’t know what they’re doing.

Our love is like the sun-soaked, blue-green sea
Its fervent waves, so beautiful and strong
We sit at the beach, looking out.  We see
The soft waves, and we hear their rhythmic song.
Our love is this beautiful and steadfast.
You and I can go through the worst and still
All our love collected as one, amassed,
Will be as strong as ocean’s high tide thrill.
Yet, it isn’t as changing and dangerous
As the sea during the dark storm and rain.
It’s not the choppy sea tormenting us
Nor the dark, black storm that brings us pain.
Our love is calm water: great, steady, blue
Of a day with sky of a gentle hue.

I tie my own ropes around my hands
tight, sadness cutting into my wrists
and tired eyes wanting rest
But I have nothing to be tired for
I have nothing to complain about
These binds are self-inflicted
by loneliness surrounded by crowds
My feet are tired and my eyes drooping
but today I feel like there is something
to the world

And I’m thinking about forever
In a philosophy class filled to the brim
And we are talking about what makes something what it is
And all I can think about is what makes me love his soul

What is existence?
Are we souls having bodies?
Or are we bodies having souls?
I never could figure that one out
But I never could think about
All these intricacies without thinking of you

But I did love you with all I had, I do love you
I love you as much as I know how with the pain in me
You loved me with every ounce of your being
That's what broke us, you couldn't leave me be

The world is burning, the muscle in my chest aches
A dull pain, just reminding me of what is lost in you
Only reminding me of what I miss in you
Not what I could stand to lose

Laughing, joking, kissing, loving, learning
All I recollect is the beautiful haze of moments
I've forgotten all the fights, my submissions
Your previous demands have slipped my mind

****, I don't want to remember the bad
I could have you in my arms right now if I wished
I could almost feel the beautiful explosions
Emotions bursting because of soft touches of lips and hands

I want something big and bold
I want to show it to the world
I want people to scream with delight
When I write something new

But then again, I want something secret
I want to write amazing lines just for me
I want my inspiration to be from something
That’s only from me, lines that are only for me

I want to capture what I really feel
Like how the music seizes my soul
And how I fight for it to let go
I want to be a Wordsworth or Neruda

But then again, I want to be unknown
I want to give my words to only a few
For they mean more than the world to me
Because they are the spirit that breathes in me

I want to tear at people’s souls
Like how people rip through mine
I want people to request my poems
Like they request songs on the radio

But then again, I want no one to know of my writings
Because my writings are my secret companions
I want not a soul to cherish them except I
Because my writings are mine

The presence of you in my head
the ghost of what I could have had
He’s not like you and I can’t stand it
He’s angry at me for ******* up everything
His voice rips through my anxious thoughts
like the invisible blade cutting through my heart
And I just want to tell you that it’s not a clean cut
It’s messy and hurts like hell, but I blame myself

I think that time would have stopped for us
If it could forever
I think that the sun would have shined
If it could forever
Or the moon would have slowly glowed
If it could forever

All of them sweetly watching
light smiles across all their faces
Books, thinking, writing
All paused, just for now to let us enjoy life
With each other

No planes, cars or distance
No maps or far off places or missing you
Just sand caught in between skin
Just hidden love caught between words

Sparks are flying upward
Love is dying, my love is dying
How heavy is this, this knowing
Our love like it is was never meant
To hold us together for longer than
We had to completely fall apart,
For longer than was necessary
To completely drain me

She broke his heart but she’s crying too
For the love that was never meant
To hold them together, to live longer than it did

I wake and see the sun on your small face
And body.  I just watch you as the rays
Tangle up around your body and face.
The beauty strikes me and I’m in a daze.
The daylight seems to want you just as much
As I want you.  Its greedy ways hindered
By the shutters cov’ring its path to touch
Your valleys and hills that have me enraptured.
But, unlike the sun’s or summer’s sweet warmth,
Your beauty and lovely contours won’t fade
Into winter that reminds one of death.
In fact, Your face will make darkness afraid.
I’ll crack the shutters open wide to see
The two things that give the most light to me.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for
or what I’m doing.
But there has to be something more.
otherwise we are just losing.

I try and be your friend
but I feel like you’re just
waiting for it to be the end.

As we search on,
I go and pray
and you get your gear on.
But standing in a church
doesnt make me religious
just like standing on sand
can’t make me the ocean

I’m fighting with myself
to believe in Him
like I’m fighting with you
to save a friendship started
on a whim.

And although once in a while,
you swim with me and make me smile.
I’m not because it feels
I am the one fighting, angry at you.

Like the eye from the storm,
you showed me a light.
Like honey to the bees,
you brought me delight.
When i thought I was blind,
you gave me sight.

But then you went away,
before I had the chance to say
Good bye.

And those nights
oh those nights we shared
together,
Those days we had
that we thought would last forever.
Those laughs we had at your expense
because your rants were so light and intense
all at the same time.

But plans changed
and when you rearranged my heart,
you left me to blame
and it would never be the same.
So now where do I start?

Make time for that car ride because it will
Be worth the hours and long-lost time.
Nervous heartbeats and impatience until
The next time we are home in our arms. I’m
Thinking it’s going to go fast even
Though it feels so slow when it’s happening.
Because something in you I believe in
Tells me that in us flowers are growing.
Opening up a petal that reveals
Just one more small thing to love about you,
The touch, the kiss, your everything feels
Like you’re telling me you love me. You do.
And I’m carrying your heart. It’s the most
Precious thing I am holding. Please come close.

I wish I could sing songs or play for you
sweet, beautiful notes hugging loving words.
These words on paper, although loved by you,
never seem enough for me to describe
all that you’ve happily sacrificed so
I could be who I am.  You love my words,
but you forget that you are the reason
I write on this paper and bang on baby
grand keys.  I haven’t made myself this poet
and player alone, without loving help
from a loving father who quietly
gives his support in laughter and sweet tears.
Dad, I love you, and I’m eternally
grateful for being your annoying kid.

The windy winter day came
and blew out the candle
The absence of its heat noticeable
Like the emptiness of a life left

I never said I couldn’t be pushed away
Never claimed to be strong enough for you
I made a mistake in testing your love
My emaciated love pushed to the edge

and died.

When I’m not scared,
I get brave
But I haven’t felt that part of me
In so long but I want it
I want it more than seeing the ocean one more time
I want salt water in my eyes
Blurring my vision but making
me see clearer into myself
I want to feel so much more like
how I feel when pen’s scratching paper

Everything fell in a matter of two seconds
From normalcy to chaos
a flash flood during a calm summer day
and I'm not holding on too tight to reality

She's living in a cloud and everything's really loud
She's living in a fog and everything doesn't matter
Can't feel the warm happiness of laughing
but she can fake it with curved lips

Why is it that the world's falling and no one sees?
Someone's lost in their own consciousness
Fighting to get back to this mixed up place
Because it's more vibrant than the silence in her head

I’ve been warned of your dang’rous fickleness,
That one word could be the one fatal flaw.
I find myself waiting, sett’ling for less,
Watching from afar your beauty in awe.
I see you every once in a while
as you pass my way and ev’ry time I wish
that you would softly look at me and smile.
When will you love me? The time feels sluggish.
But, what can I do to make your sweet love
Come to me faster.  I can’t make the days
short just as I can’t move the sky above.
I can only your form quietly praise.
And I will do just that every day
Until to me your attention will pay.

The days she finds something new
That whispers “wrong” into her heart
Seem to precede the cold nights
The sad longing of her heart for him
Hurts with the realization of their wrongness for each other

This world, this world is

tearing at my insides

making marks like burnt paper

on the beating muscle of my chest